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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it ever ok for inlaws to let my niece sit in on ds bath time

121 replies

ChocoNutter · 30/06/2013 03:03

My DCs stayed the night at inlaws as they have done so on countless occasions. When we arrived to pick them up I was told by my FIL my ds(8) was still in the bath and to go and say hello. The bathroom door was open wide and my MIL was looking in. I thought she was keeping an eye on him. When I looked in the bathroom I saw my niece(19) sat on the toilet laughing and pointing and ds lying on his back (no longer in the bath) with his legs up and apart, spreading himself apart and showing her everything! (sorry TMI)

AIBU to feel very uncomfortable and upset about this? Why didn't MIL tell him to stop or her to get out? she just stood there and watched.

Please don't judge, I'm after ideas on how to gently address this with her as I think it's inappropriate to allow my niece in the bathroom in the first place, she didn't need to be there.

OP posts:

HepsibarCrinkletoes · 30/06/2013 17:07

Can see the problem. How odd that it is an issue at all.

FryOneFatManic · 30/06/2013 17:17

It must depend on the child. DS is 9 but now prefers his privacy when in the bathroom, so if I need to go in I knock on the door before entering so he has time to get sorted.

However, in other people's homes, he might be a little shy in asking for the privacy we give him at home.

Gonnabmummy · 30/06/2013 17:36

I don't see the problem here either and if GP weren't there I don't think you would of either? If she was supervising him in the bath I think you wouldn't have had a problem as she was in charge so to speak. But because GP was there she had no place? I am preg with a ds and when he's here I will have no problems with his cousins bathing him or supervising him once his older male or female

WorrySighWorrySigh · 30/06/2013 17:52

I think the suggestion of mismatch in bathroom etiquette may be relevant. IMO all the comments about 'cant see the problem' arent really relevant or helpful. Not everyone is happy or comfortable with children being naked amongst extended family.

Encouraging (and laughing is encouraging) an 8 year old to be flapping around stark naked isnt appropriate. GM should have been calling a halt to this as soon as it started.

Gonnabmummy · 30/06/2013 17:52

What if the little boy was just in a silly mood and ran downstairs and flashed his bum in the sitting room? He would be just messing around then I feel sorry for your niece as she is being put out because your son made her laugh. My cousins ran into living room at my GPs and flashed their bum I never felt judged by 'looking' at them

Original poster

ChocoNutter · 30/06/2013 18:19

Thank you to all the people who actually read my post and offered me the advice I was asking for. Your suggestions have been very helpful and I now know how to deal with it.

For those of you who 'don't see a problem with it' I'm sorry to say, your comments were irrelevant as I DO see a problem with it. I can't help the way I feel. I learnt at a very young age that just because family is family they arent always good people, and over the years I've learnt to rely on my instincts on what's appropriate and not... they are usually right.

I am NOT, I repeat, NOT insinuating that anything untoward was happening in the bathroom between my son and my niece just that I found her presence there unessecary and odd. We are NOT a close family and the kids have not grown up together as many of you wrongly concluded... They only see each other when at my in-laws which may be 7-8 times a year. I also never suggested I was going to talk to my niece, it was my mil I wanted to address as I don't think it was necessary to feed my sons inappropriate behaviour and showing off by laughing at him.

I did say 'please don't judge me' thank you to those who didn't.

OP posts:

formicadinosaur · 30/06/2013 19:44

I think DN sees him as a small child still. He probably fell into the role too.

formicadinosaur · 30/06/2013 19:47

They all probably thought they needs to watch him so he doesn't drown. Maybe they don't realise he can bath on his own? Or maybe they were just having a good chat.

claraschu · 30/06/2013 19:51

YABU

Nudity is not anything to be ashamed of. You are being silly.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 30/06/2013 20:07

OP said he was out of the bath so he wasnt being supervised he was being encouraged to wave his bum about.

Another time I would be pressing upon MiL that he doesnt need supervision in the bath and that he needs to come out of the bathroom dressed/pj'd/dressing-gowned (make sure he takes one with him).

If MiL says 'oh he's just a baby' then my reply would be 'no, he's 8'. Said firmly.

You dont need to mention what happened before. My focus would be on what happens next.

From your latest post I can well understand that you are not keen for your DS to be encouraged to waggle his bum at relative strangers. Bottoms are rude or naughty but there is an age where they become private.

Original poster

ChocoNutter · 30/06/2013 20:08

claraschu did u read the original post? I didn't say nudity was anything to be ashamed of... I said I needed suggestions on how to gently address this issue with my MIL.... This has now been resolved

OP posts:

WorrySighWorrySigh · 30/06/2013 20:09

Bottoms are not rude or naughty (I am losing the not)

Summerblaze · 30/06/2013 20:19

You asked if you were BU and then decided that you would totally disregard those who said yes. If you were asking a question purely for advice, maybe Chat would have been a better place for it.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 30/06/2013 20:26

I think a few people haven't read your OP carefully enough. I can see that
Experience has lead you to question, and i think that even in AIBU, feeling should not be dismissed.

FWIW, whilst i doubt anything sinister was happening, and it's OK for your niece to have been in the room, IF your DS was happy with it, I would expect adults not to encourage him in what he was doing. So I agree with some of the others one here.

MrsCampbellBlack · 30/06/2013 20:29

I've got an 8 year old son. If I walked in on him doing what the OP's sone was doing, I'd have told him off. He was showing off or being silly and I wouldn't be happy about that.

For me, at that age, their genitals are private and not to be displayed to everyone. I realise some people will think I'm uptight but that's how I feel. Running round naked fine but spreading legs - not fine.

And I also agree with everyone whose said the reaction would have been very different if it was an 8 year old girl and her male cousin.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 30/06/2013 20:30

Summerblaze

She was asking for advice. She made it quite clear. Aibu and CJat shouldn't be any different in terms of how people address problems people bring. Imo

Original poster

ChocoNutter · 30/06/2013 20:31

Ok summerblaze i probably have posted in the wrong place but since I received such great advice and support within the first couple of pages of this thread I feel I can resolve this with minimum stress to all. I'm feeling better and more confident about it in myself as I also have the support and backing of my dh who thinks I'm NBU and will help me broach the subject with inlaws... Happy days!

I've also spoken to ds and gently reminded him to please not show off etc.

OP posts:

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 30/06/2013 20:34

Good

Summerblaze · 30/06/2013 22:15

But she didn't want to know if she was BU as she thought she definitely wasn't. She wanted advice on how to handle her feelings and what to do. I think Chat and AIBU are different otherwise they wouldn't have both .

Inertia · 30/06/2013 22:36

I think I'd be tempted to take the approach with MIL that you appreciate that nothing untoward happened and that children should not be ashamed of their bodies. However, you are aware that your son is reaching the age where puberty is approaching, and it's generally considered appropriate for children of that age to understand that some parts of their bodies should remain private. You don't want to encourage your son to think that exposing himself is a trick that other people will find funny, because if he does it again to other people in the hope of getting a laugh it could cause upset for both them and him.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 30/06/2013 22:51

I think that is a good point Inertia.

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