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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it ever ok for inlaws to let my niece sit in on ds bath time

121 replies

ChocoNutter · 30/06/2013 03:03

My DCs stayed the night at inlaws as they have done so on countless occasions. When we arrived to pick them up I was told by my FIL my ds(8) was still in the bath and to go and say hello. The bathroom door was open wide and my MIL was looking in. I thought she was keeping an eye on him. When I looked in the bathroom I saw my niece(19) sat on the toilet laughing and pointing and ds lying on his back (no longer in the bath) with his legs up and apart, spreading himself apart and showing her everything! (sorry TMI)

AIBU to feel very uncomfortable and upset about this? Why didn't MIL tell him to stop or her to get out? she just stood there and watched.

Please don't judge, I'm after ideas on how to gently address this with her as I think it's inappropriate to allow my niece in the bathroom in the first place, she didn't need to be there.

OP posts:

HotCrossPun · 30/06/2013 11:21

I think you would be getting an overwhelming YANBU if the genders were reversed.

As it is, I think that speaking to your niece just to say not to encourage/laugh at him when he is being silly would be your best bet.

He is obviously comfortable around your family, which is great, but if he were in a different situation, - school swimming for example, then he needs to know that doing that kind of thing is inappropriate.

Mintberry · 30/06/2013 11:28

When I was that age I was baby sitting for/helping with family/friends' kids all the time (which involved bathing)... I don't see the problem at all.

I think you need to speak to your son about modesty if it bothers you so much, because I think it is very unreasonable to complain to your niece about it, because no matter how you try to frame it, it will no doubt translate to her as "get away from my little boy's willy, you paedo", and there is no need for that, she would be mortified. It sounds like she was just trying to be helpful/entertaining by sitting in on him. Some 8 year old's still do want sitting in on in the bath, so how was she to know it would be a big problem for you?

ImperialBlether · 30/06/2013 11:31

I can't believe people's reactions to this!

Yes, of course, it's fine if everyone goes skinny dipping.

It's fine if the niece goes into the bathroom for something while he's in the bath, as long as she's checked beforehand with him that he doesn't mind.

That isn't what happened here. He was on the floor exposing his genitals to her and she was pointing and laughing. That is a completely different scenario and it's not one I'd be happy with.

Vivacia · 30/06/2013 11:32

There is a difference between being in the room whilst he's in the bath and watching and laughing at him laying on the floor naked and spread eagled. The laughing at him isn't very pleasant.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee · 30/06/2013 11:37

Your DS was showing off, not covering up. The door was open... Presumably she's seen him naked a million times in the past. I don't see what the problem is. I'd laugh the first time, then after that tell them enough's enough and I've seen more than enough of their bum thanks! Perhaphs she didn't feel able to tell him to stop being silly as she was worried he'd feel told off and it wasn't her place - or maybe she does just find it funny - either way, it wouldn't worry me.

Has anything else happened that gives you cause to worry over a perfectly normal situation?

5madthings · 30/06/2013 11:40

It may well be that she was laughing because she was a bit embarrassed?
Or they could have been sharing a joke. My reaction would have been as i said to tell the boy to stop being silly as not everyone wants to.see his bottom. And then move on ie get your pjs on so we have time for a story (if it was bedtime).

It sounds like he was just getting carried away, she shouldnt have encouraged him.but assuming.mil was in charge? She should have told him to stop messing and a quick 'dont encourage him' to the neice. Its just high jinx but not untoward or unusual.

5madthings · 30/06/2013 11:41

And what chipping just said!

PurpleRayne · 30/06/2013 11:52

It was inappropriate.

Floggingmolly · 30/06/2013 11:59

You say your niece was laughing and pointing.
At what? Do you think she was making fun of your ds in some way?

LastTangoInDevonshire · 30/06/2013 12:16

You walked in on a split-second snapshot - you have NO idea what had been said/done just before you walked in, do you?

babybythesea · 30/06/2013 12:27

I am 16 years older than my (male) cousin.
I adored him from the second he was born and spent as much time with him as I could.
I could have been that young adult sitting laughing and pointing at a little boy playing about. I might have said something like "Very attractive, put it away!" but I wouldn't have 'stopped him' in the sense of hauling him to his feet or forcing clothes onto him. I would have called time when I got bored! He bathed with me, and neither of us thought anything of it (except that I liked to wallow in long hot baths and having a small child in with me wasn't always conducive to r&r!) He would certainly have still been doing the sort of thing described in the OP at 8 - I would have been 24 and still watching.

He's now 20 and we are still very close - we don't live near each other now but we still speak on the phone often. However, he has grown out of lying on the floor waving his willy at me - it came to a natural end as he wanted more privacy. He is now the older one who adores a younger cousin - he hangs out with my DD when he stays (she's 4) and I dont worry about him around her any more than I thought me spending time with him was odd. I have no intention of stopping him watching her in the bath - I assume it will come to an end in the same way me watching him did.

I honestly don't think there's anything in it - it shows a close relationship and if they are lucky, they can go on to have the same sort of relationship my cousin and I do despite the age difference.

swallowedAfly · 30/06/2013 12:32

that was lovely to read babybythesea. i'm really hoping my son and neice and nephews will remain close as he's an only child and they've all been so good with him since he was born despite a 9 year age difference.

i think the OP said this was IL's which may explain some of this if her family has a very different culture around 'family', kids and such than her own does.

incidentally my 'sad' comments were more at the attitudes of various posters on here towards teenage boys rather than directed at the OP herself.

babybythesea · 30/06/2013 12:34

"The laughing at him isn't very pleasant."

From a previous post. But doesn't it depend on the laugh (sounds a daft way of putting it but I can't think how else to say it)? I'd have laughed at my young cousin doing this, but not in a mocking way. More because he was messing around and playing for laughs. I'd have laughed the same way if he'd jumped off the sofa and done a clowning around style falling over. He'd chosen to be in that position so presumably he was comfortable with it. And comfortable with his cousin being there. He was out to get a laugh. He got it. I really can't see an issue.
And I very much doubt an 8 year old would do the same thing at school, even at swimming - they can distinguish between doing something that makes a family member laugh and whether it's ok to do it at school.

5madthings · 30/06/2013 12:37

That's lovely babybythesea and like swallowed my 'sad' comments were related to the fact that posters have said it wouldn't be OK if the genders were the other way round.

My ds1 will bath dd, in four years time he will be 18 and she will be 7/8 I imagine he may well still bath her if she doesn't mind and I don't see anything wrong with that.

mummytolucas411 · 30/06/2013 12:54

No I see nothing wrong with this. I have a 3 year old and when he is getting changed he will sometimes run off naked and laugh and say "willy" etc, I will laugh too as I think he is being cute, it is not strange and there is nothing "odd" about it.

ImperialBlether · 30/06/2013 12:59

8 is different to 3, though.

ThirdTimesABrokenFanjo · 30/06/2013 13:35

it wouldnt bother me at all.

bryt tbh sex reversed it would very much.so guess yanbu

5madthings · 30/06/2013 13:45

But why would it fanjo do you not see how wrong that is?

I have four boys, one of whom is eight and this is the kind of silly behavior you get sometimes, as chipping said my reaction would be to say 'OK stop being silly not everyone wants to see your bottom' etc.

And if my daughter behaved in the same way she would get the same response.

Children can mess around and be silly, also the op saw a snapshot, we have no idea what was happening a minute before, they could have shared a joke, hence the laughter. Its not a situation that would have bothered me, I would have just said stop messing and it wouldn't bother me if the genders were reversed.

cheeks123 · 30/06/2013 14:08

I agree with swallowedAfly - it sounds as if YOU are the one who has the issue around young children being naked. She is your niece and his is 8 yrs old, its not as if they were in the bath with him or doing anything inappropriate. It seems as if you are imagining she is looking at him in a sexual way, she was just having some fun and laughing.

cheeks123 · 30/06/2013 14:12

If I am busy or downstairs my DD will shout for help with hair rinsing... depending who is upstairs it is either me, DH or my DS1 who is 22 rinses the hair in the bath with the shower attachment for my DD who is 11 as she has such long hair and cant manage it. she always leaves the door a bit open when in the bath. It would never even cross my mind this was wrong. My DD will know when she doesnt want anyone in the bathroom with her and until then its nice to know she is still comfortable around her family.

Vivacia · 30/06/2013 15:05

I Feel that the OP is being misinterpreted. It's not that her 18 year old niece was in the bathroom whilst her son was in the bath that appears to be a problem for her (or indeed some of us).

5madthings · 30/06/2013 15:19

The op says she thinks its inappropriate that the niece was in the bathroom!! Bottom line of the op.

I dont think it is inappropriate if the child doesn't mind.

Him messing around/her laughing at that messing around should have been addressed at the time with a quick 'stop being silly and please don't encourage it' but its a bit late now.

MoominsYonisAreScary · 30/06/2013 15:25

Yes it is, she states in the op that she thinks it's inappropriate for her niece to be in the bathroom

MoominsYonisAreScary · 30/06/2013 15:27

And I agree with 5mad, a quick stop being silly and stop encouraging him

swallowedAfly · 30/06/2013 15:56

exactly. and the fact the OP didn't do that speaks volumes and combines with her finding it innapropriate for niece to be in the bathroom to suggest she is maybe a little... uptight? and, as i said earlier, that she has deeper issues and mismatches with the ILs than just their bathroom etiquette maybe due to a very different upbringing to that of her DP.

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