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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it ever ok for inlaws to let my niece sit in on ds bath time

121 replies

ChocoNutter · 30/06/2013 03:03

My DCs stayed the night at inlaws as they have done so on countless occasions. When we arrived to pick them up I was told by my FIL my ds(8) was still in the bath and to go and say hello. The bathroom door was open wide and my MIL was looking in. I thought she was keeping an eye on him. When I looked in the bathroom I saw my niece(19) sat on the toilet laughing and pointing and ds lying on his back (no longer in the bath) with his legs up and apart, spreading himself apart and showing her everything! (sorry TMI)

AIBU to feel very uncomfortable and upset about this? Why didn't MIL tell him to stop or her to get out? she just stood there and watched.

Please don't judge, I'm after ideas on how to gently address this with her as I think it's inappropriate to allow my niece in the bathroom in the first place, she didn't need to be there.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 30/06/2013 10:13

Being raised in a family very comfortable with being naked and seeing each other naked is a good thing. However, I think children should learn that there's a difference between close family and everyone else. This is what I mean by fine line. For me, there's a difference between new borns and 11 year old cousins and the same age gap eight years later.

swallowedAfly · 30/06/2013 10:14

he sleeps in their house, has baths in front of them and is left 100% in their care re: they ARE close family surely by anyone's definition vivacia?

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 30/06/2013 10:14

If I was the niece I'd be devastated

Vivacia · 30/06/2013 10:15

Swallowed
"i wasn't being offensive i was genuinely mystified in what you meant and asking you WHY so that you could clarify it. so would you like to clarify it? why especially if they're different genders? why is it especially worrying to you that the cousin sitting on the loo was a girl?"

Saying I have a "weird head on" me is not asking me to clarify. And I have already explained my reasoning. I'm not sure why you think I've made a point about the toilet though, because I haven't.

cece · 30/06/2013 10:16

I have no idea why you are upset by this. She is his cousin. He is only 8. They were laughing and having fun. But we are pretty relaxed about nudity in our house so wouldn't make a big deal of this. We never lock the bathroom door and often have conversations with one of us in the bath and the other sat on the toilet seat.

However, if you do want to address then I think you should just have a quiet word with your niece. She is 19 and should be dealt with as an adult.

SoftlySoftly · 30/06/2013 10:17

I think yanbu.

Though I don't see an issue with your neice being in thebathroom and I don't think they are abusers at 8 he is old enough to know laying and spreading your legs isn't appropriate behaviour.

I'd be asking them to pull him up on it not giggle along as that's odd!

Vivacia · 30/06/2013 10:18

The female cousin shouldn't be made to feel devastated. I've explained that I think she should be asked to support her auntie in educating her son about privacy and not being silly.

OP, I will reiterate, I don't think you should be second guessing your instincts here. I think you have responded proportionately and sensibly.

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 30/06/2013 10:19

Be prepared for her not to take it well though, what exactly is the problem with it?

5madthings · 30/06/2013 10:19

Some have admotted as such stunt and thats :( my response would be the same for either gender. It wouldnt bother me. The behaviour from the boy would merit a 'oii xxxx stop being so silly not everyone wants to see your bum now hurry up and get your pjs on so we have time for a story'

So letting them know not to be silly but also its not a big deal and i wouldnt want to make it so.

SoftlySoftly · 30/06/2013 10:20

This wasn't nudity though? I don't see any issue with an 8 year old bolting around nude.

Spreading and waggling privates is very different and for his own sake he needs to understand that he needs to reserve some privacy.

FrameyMcFrame · 30/06/2013 10:21

Erm I think you should be led by your children in issues of privacy. Adults telling you hen and where you should feel embarrassed or self conscious is entirely unhelpful and totally counterproductive

Floralnomad · 30/06/2013 10:25

I think if it bothers you then you should speak to your son and tell him that it was inappropriate . Personally I wouldn't be that bothered but in our house we are always wandering around naked and the onus is on the person who wants to be private to cover up and lock doors . Whatever way you approach it it may come across to your niece that you are insinuating something ,is that what you want ?

FannyFifer · 30/06/2013 10:29

My DS is 8, he still leaves the door open when having a bath, gets in with his 3 year old sister for a play.

He also loves his aunts & uncles, or his grandparents popping in for a wee chat while in there.

I wouldn't encourage him to be waving his willy around but he is not embarrassed about being naked at all yet.

AgentZigzag · 30/06/2013 10:30

I'm not sure why anyone would be saddened by the OP saying what she has, it's very sensible to keep your eye on who's around your children and look at whether their behaviour is appropriate.

I think she'd be naive not to.

Posts going a bit OTT about it might put others off looking at a genuinely dodgy situation as anything other than completely fine.

If the answer computes as innocent, great, but it would be too much of a risk for me not to question even close family.

It's not tarring the whole of the world because of some freaks, it's looking out for your child at a time when they/their boundaries are changing.

RevoltingPeasant · 30/06/2013 10:39

OP I think any way you address this with your niece, you risk her feeling like she is being accused of something. Bear in mind, 19 years old can be very mature, or can still be a big kid, uncertain and socially awkward. Many 19yos are still quite sensitive, socially.

You risk a situation where she feels like she doesn't want to babysit for DS or be around him much, or where she thinks you don't trust her.

If I were you, I'd leave it now, as anything you say now will be connected to this incident. And I doubt they didn't pick up on your disapproval.

I'd wait and next time he is due to go over/ go swimming with them/ whatever, call DN and GPs aside and saying something like,

'DS is starting school swimming soon' OR 'We are having trouble with DS wandering around naked in the living room' OR similar excuse, 'so we are trying to teach him about boundaries and encourage him to bathe on his own, keep his clothes on etc. Do you mind helping us out with this by doing X and Y? Really appreciate it.'

That way you get them onside, rather than leave them feeling accused.

RevoltingPeasant · 30/06/2013 10:43

Agent, I think that's the difference for some people on this thread: I can't imagine scrutinising close family, my mum and sisters, for evidence of dodgy behaviour. I know them. I would trust them with my life and with any amount of money. I would trust them not to hurt my children, absolutely.

So I wouldn't be keeping an eye on them, no. Sister's new boyfriend, yes. But my own flesh and blood, who I've lived with for decades, seen naked a thousand times, fought with, supported, cried with? No. We trust each other. They don't need watching.

swallowedAfly · 30/06/2013 10:46

yes revolting - and if you didn't trust them you wouldn't be leaving your child in their sole care.

AgentZigzag · 30/06/2013 10:54

Is that when real issues can come up, Revolting?

That if you've got a funny feeling about it which could go either way because you genuinely don't know, that unconditionally trusting someone just because you're related to them/think you know them, isn't a very good way of assessing a situation.

Nobody wants to think these things about anyone (and I don't think the OP suggested anything sinister) but it happens, regularly.

AgentZigzag · 30/06/2013 10:55

'Isn't that when...' it was supposed to say.

RevoltingPeasant · 30/06/2013 10:55

Quite. Personally, I think the 0.0001% chance that one of my dearly loved sisters or mum would harm my child is far, far outweighed by the 100% chance of damaging my relationship with them if I had to regard them with suspicious vigilance.

However, the OP feels how she feels, and unless she's a great actress, the ILs and cousin will have picked up on it. So she does need to say something, but in the right way.

forevergreek · 30/06/2013 11:00

( only read op)
I Wouldn't be overly concerned. Ours are still toddlers but friends/ family with older children seems to let them run naked still at 8 years.

A recent trip to Barcelona had pretty much all children age 0-10 in the sea naked on a spur of the moment beach trip. 7 and 9 year old siblings were the first to strip off and get in the sea.

I think it's just when anyone doesn't want others seeing them its a problem, but before that it's fine.

AgentZigzag · 30/06/2013 11:02

Thankfully I don't know personally, but I would say if you had suspicions about someone so close, there would probably be more than a one off situation (which reads as innocent, like this does) to build the picture.

You wouldn't think that about your sisters/mum because they've never given you cause for concern, but if other things had happened, it wouldn't be right to mark it down as fine just because they're family members.

forevergreek · 30/06/2013 11:02

Also I think children only really get embarrassed if adults around them do or a big issue is made.

I'm not saying everyone needs to jump around starkers, but adults in our house would think nothing of showering with te door open and our children walking in and out, or waking from bathroom to bedroom without anything on.

FlankShaftMcWap · 30/06/2013 11:08

If my DS had spread himself and waggled his bits at me I would have responded with a "no thank you, not everyone finds your bumhole as hilarious as you do". My other DC, probably would have giggled because they are children and bums and willy's are funny to kids.

I would be disappointed if another adult had responded by pointing and laughing. I don't get all the sadness at the OP feeling this way. She hasn't accused her niece of anything untoward, she simply finds it odd that an adult would have encouraged this behaviour by laughing. As I do!

It is possible to lightheartedly remind a child of that age that spreading their bottoms and bits isn't the most polite thing to do without making them feel ashamed or damaging them for life...

Satnightdropout · 30/06/2013 11:17

Yeah, as others have said, sometimes kids grow up so quickly you forget that they're at an age where they might want privacy. However, your son doesn't seem that bothered by it, and niece is now 19, past that stage of "experimenting".

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