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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it ever ok for inlaws to let my niece sit in on ds bath time

121 replies

ChocoNutter · 30/06/2013 03:03

My DCs stayed the night at inlaws as they have done so on countless occasions. When we arrived to pick them up I was told by my FIL my ds(8) was still in the bath and to go and say hello. The bathroom door was open wide and my MIL was looking in. I thought she was keeping an eye on him. When I looked in the bathroom I saw my niece(19) sat on the toilet laughing and pointing and ds lying on his back (no longer in the bath) with his legs up and apart, spreading himself apart and showing her everything! (sorry TMI)

AIBU to feel very uncomfortable and upset about this? Why didn't MIL tell him to stop or her to get out? she just stood there and watched.

Please don't judge, I'm after ideas on how to gently address this with her as I think it's inappropriate to allow my niece in the bathroom in the first place, she didn't need to be there.

OP posts:
5madthings · 30/06/2013 09:09

I am really saddemed my the fact people would be very uncomfortable with it the other way round.

Lots of little girls have older brothers or older male cousins and them helpung/observing or just larking about at bath time is normal or am i to start banning ds1 from dds bathtime?!! Am sure once she wants to she will say when she wants privacy. Some children want it sooner than others but this child sounds like they were messing about and being silly... Not wanting privacy.

MrsMook · 30/06/2013 09:10

I don't see the problem as he looked comfortable with the situation. It would have been clear if he found it awkward. It was open and not secretive. It sounds healthy and innocent to me.

At that age I'd still bath with my cousins of a similar age- it was just a fun play time. We did it for a few more years until puberty and bath tub capacity naturally stopped it. As my oldest cousin grew up, she was still my cousin and a fun figure, not an "adult" although legally that's what she was.

Have a gentle word with him so he knows it's OK to ask for privacy, but anything beyond that is likely to do much more harm than good.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 30/06/2013 09:11

Actually, I can understand why you were uncomfortable with this. At the age of 19 I wouldnt have been comfortable being around a young boy who was showing off the way your DS was. Therefore I do find it strange when other people are (this is my thing not theirs IYSWIM).

IME GPs can to be slow to recognise that children are growing up so keep going with babying things long after they should be abandoned.

Perhaps a gentle way to handle this is next time your DCs are staying with PiL to say that you are trying to encourage your DS to be a little more independent so he shouldnt need supervision in the bathroom.

TroublesomeEx · 30/06/2013 09:12

You seem quite fixed on the idea that she was 'watching' him. If she was 11 when he was born then she's been used to seeing him naked for the past 8 years.

She's doing nothing different to she always has - having a laugh with her cousin.

If/when your son is uncomfortable with it he will say something, or his behaviour will show that.

Sounds like they were just having a laugh and messing around like they always have.

Tinpin · 30/06/2013 09:15

She was 11 when he was born so I guess they have been brought up together. She just thinks of him as her little cousin and was in the bathroom because they are comfortable in each others company. He was having a lovely time showing off. Normal healthy family fun.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 30/06/2013 09:23

So am I, 5madthings. I am the mother of 2 sons. I am really disturbed to realise that I feel that way. I would be devastated if someone could feel like that about my sons.

Not that there is even an actual 19 yr old man in this story Hmm but even so!

I guess I'm not as immune to society's messages as I have thought. It's certainly given me something to think about, I need to look at myself!

WorrySighWorrySigh · 30/06/2013 09:24

Does it depend on how closely they have been brought up?

I couldnt pick many of my cousins out of a line-up as I have never met any of them more than a handful of times.

Tinpin · 30/06/2013 09:28

I actually don't understand this at all . Are you insinuating something about your niece?

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 30/06/2013 09:33

My much younger brother used to walk around the house naked at that age and used to pull his bum apart to shock us, I can assure you I did NOT want to see it! Kids show off

AnnaFiveTowns · 30/06/2013 09:35

I feel sorry for your neice. She would be truly upset if she knew what you were implying. I think this is entirely innocent and you should think very, very carefully before you say something to anyone in your family.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 30/06/2013 09:42

In the situation described by OP I would have wanted MiL to have told DS to get up and get dressed. However, IME GPs infantalise their GCs and find this sort of thing hilarious even though it makes my skin crawl.

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 30/06/2013 09:43

Why?

Smartiepants79 · 30/06/2013 09:53

Can't really see the issue here. He is 8 not 18. She is family, whom i assume you trust.
If he needs privacy then he should be able say so.
I'm fairly sure I still shared baths with my cousins and sister at that age.

Vivacia · 30/06/2013 10:02

I don't think you are being unreasonable and I would also feel uncomfortable about this. I also agree with you that there doesn't seem to be anything sinister going on.

From your description it sounds as though he was being giddy and showing off a bit. However, I think she should have known better. I would be uncomfortable with a 19 year old who didn't stop their 8 year old cousin from being so silly, especially if he/she was of a different gender.

I think that there's excellent advice above about asking your family for support in giving him some privacy. Who sees what is something he needs to learn for his own safety. For example, we talk about parts of our body covered by underwear and who should touch and see them.

swallowedAfly · 30/06/2013 10:03

no problem here for me either.

she's 19, they've spent time together staying in the same house growing up, she's probably changed his nappies in the past and they're like siblings.

i have similar in that my neice and nephews are 15 and ds is 6 and they all spend time at their GPs. when one of my nephews is there he's the one ds will demand bathes him and i have never thought anything of it and nor would i in a few years time. nor if it was my neice. also if i'd been concerned i'd have said something there and then like stop being silly ds and oi dn stop encouraging him, i think you guys are getting a bit old for this. you know?

i'm presuming you have deeper issues going on with these people that are coming into play here because a) i can't see much to be concerned about and b) despite being concerned you said nothing and came on here instead.

Vivacia · 30/06/2013 10:03

Smartiepants, you shared a bath with a nineteen year old man at the age of 8?

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 30/06/2013 10:04

The niece wasn't IN the bath with him!

swallowedAfly · 30/06/2013 10:04

WHY especially if he/she was a different gender? WHY????

blimey people have weird heads on them.

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 30/06/2013 10:08

It's pretty scary Swallowed

Vivacia · 30/06/2013 10:10

1Hungry I was responding to Smartiepants who was making the point it would be ok if they had shared a bath.

Swallowed I appreciate that there's a fine line between hysteria and sensibly educating children and we may disagree where that line is drawn. I'm sorry that you have to be offensive in disagreeing with me.

LittleBearPad · 30/06/2013 10:11

I don't understand why you're so upset. She's his cousin.

swallowedAfly · 30/06/2013 10:11

it actually is hungrycaterpillar Sad i'm all for nailing and harshly dealing with people who are real concerns but to tarnish the whole world with their sickness is heartbreaking.

this is family. unless your family has issues to make you concerned (in which case don't let spend the night there full stop let alone worry about whose in the bathroom when) why would it alarm you that they feel comfortable together and don't read anything sexual or weird into nudity and normal childish antics?

ShoeWhore · 30/06/2013 10:11

This sounds like a very innocent family moment to me. He is only 8.

swallowedAfly · 30/06/2013 10:12

i wasn't being offensive i was genuinely mystified in what you meant and asking you WHY so that you could clarify it. so would you like to clarify it? why especially if they're different genders? why is it especially worrying to you that the cousin sitting on the loo was a girl?

StuntGirl · 30/06/2013 10:13

This would definitely have had a different response if it was a 19 year old nephew with an 8 year old daughter.