daughter and step kids

[heavenmum28]

Hi I need some advice. I have 2 girls 10 and the other 6 months. I also have a step son who is 9 n half and a step daughter who is 7.
My daughter is sharing a room with my step daughter and my step son has his own room. Our baby is in with us still as we have no room for her in the girls room.
My step daughter has started peeing in her sleep and I dnt mean just in the bed. She also gets out of bed and does it on the carpet. The smell in there is horrible. She also hides dirty underwear when she has peed or pooed her self :-(. My step son also has toilet issues. He poos himself alot and always hides it in his room or cupboards. Again the smell is unbearable. I think it is very unfair for my daughter who has never had issues with this to have sleepin her room and put up with the smell. Shes a very tidy n clean girl and is always tidying up after her step ssister and has now actually started wearing rubber gloves n a mask when shes cleaning the room. I have told her I will clean the room as its not fare on her to do it all the time but she insists on doing it as she always has. Am I being unreasonable to ask my partner if his son and daughter can share a room and my daughter goes in the small room and eventually have our baby in with her. I must also add my daughter goes to stay at her grandparents most weekends and 1 maybe 2 nights in the week just so she can lay in bed and enjoy breathing with out smelling a toilet basically. I want her home with me some weekends but she hates being in the room. How canI bring this up with my partner with out it sounding like im picking on his kids. He knows the toilet problems they have and has tried dealing with it. Please help
Nikki

So i assume they live with you full time? I don't think changing rooms is the answer i'm afraid though it will be nicer for your daughter. You need to address the toilet issue and why they are hiding it from you. My mum is a foster carer and has come across this a lot. Firstly there must be an underlying cause that they are doing it. But with the hiding - you need to make it clear that they don't have to worry and in fact show them how to wash their pants etc - mum kept detergent in the bathroom with a bucket so they could go in there and wash/soak etc if they didn't want to go to her everytime.

Forget the issue of the room and sort out the actual problem.

Does their mother get involved? You and your dh need to tackle this together and maybe need to get the children outside agency help.

They sound traumatised.

That poor little girl... and i dont mean your daughter. your sd clearly has some kind of problem, what have you and your dp done about it? If the room is being cleaned properly itshouldnt smelll to that extent but then you are allowing a child to clear it up.

I would be really worried about the toileting issue.
Something is not right, especially as this is a new issue.

Please don't be angry with them when they have accidents. They need lots of love, reassurance and understanding from you. Show them how to clean up after themselves.

They need to see a GP as the first port of call. Please take action now.

Agree that the real issue needs tackling and the step C need some help. Nottalotta's idea of detergent in the bathroom for them is a good, practical idea too.

However, in the meantime, I really don't think it would be unreasonable for you to switch the sleeping arrangements so your DD can have her own, clean space.

Then, in the long term, you need to think about where to put baby, as 10 years is a big age gap. Also, at some point, DSS and DSD would need to be in different rooms.

Hope you can get some help for your DSC.

Oh, and could you afford to pull up the carpet and put in laminate?

Deal with why the children are soiling and not the bedroom issue.

Give both rooms a clean, remove any souce of smell and any soiled underwear found. Talk to the children and see if they will open up to you about what is upsetting them. Buy a lidded bucket and keep it in the loo. Show the children where it is and tell them if they have any accidents just put their pants in there. Make sure they know you want be mad at them and you want to help them get over the problem.

Stop your daughter cleaning the room and do it yourself everyday. I am sure the sight of your daughter in rubber gloves and facial mask wont be helping your sd either.

There dad has punished them in past. Not for the accident but for hiding it. Iv tried explaining to them that they should not be embarrased and if it happens to bring the dirty clothing to me straight away so i can clean them. There dad has explained that hes only angry when they hide it and he understands kids have accidents. They are both very happy children always playing and smiling and messing about with each other. They all like to teach each other new things. They all love getting involved with anything me and my partner do wether its baking or working on a car.They have

been in my partners care for 5 years and visit there
mum at weekends. They was very happy when me and my partner got together because they was all friends at school. And they absolutely adore there new baby sister. If they are having a problem at school its always dealt with by me straight away. They talk to me about anything and everything. And with there dad. We are a very close loveing family.
And the reason to the smell still being there has nothing to do with how my daughter cleans its because we never realised my step daughter was peeing on the carpet in her sleep untill she had done it so much that it soaked through carpet and through to the underlay. We are getting a new carpet etc soon. But money is tight at the moment. I do clean all the rooms at the weekends throughly. Not that my daughter doesnt do a great a job. I just like 2 clean the windows and polish etc so do all over. And strip all beds etc so when all the kids are back home on monday they have a nice room waiting for them.

On a practical note, don't put new carpet down until the toilet issue has been resolved. Put down laminate and a cheap rug that can be put in the washing machine if necessary.

Have you spoken to the GP about the toilet issues of both children? At 9 and 7 they could be referred to the enuresis clinic.

I understand your concern for your dd, but your op shows not one ounce of sympathy for your DSC. Their behaviour is indicative of some previous trauma that should be investigated. I advise talking to the gp and asking for a referral to a behavioural psychologist. If it turns out that there is nothing wrong psychologically, then great, but if there is some PTSD or something else then they need support. Just because your dh has had them for 5 years doesn't mean that they will not remember/be affected by things that may have occurred prior to that.

As an interim try putting both kids is night time pull ups, they go.up to.age 10. We have similar issues with my 7 yo dsd. In her case some of it is for attention but some of it is being too bone idyll to stop playing and go to the loo as she wets in day.

I agree that there is more to.it with it being both and in the night, is it worse immediately before and.after they visit mum?

Hi,

I'm a foster carer, and toilet issues are usually a result of trauma in the past. I've dealt with them a few times. One foster child I had was a lovely kid, very happy and friendly but had poo all over his underwear because he 'didn't like' wiping his bum after he went to the toilet.

There were two reasons for this we discovered in the end - abuse and not being taught proper self-care when he was a small child. Teaching them when they're older takes longer and is more difficult.

Nobody is saying that you're not a good stepmother. What people are saying is that if it is trauma related it needs a completely different approach. There are lots of resources for helping children with this online.

Also, are you sure they're being well treated at weekends when they're with their mother? If there is emotional abuse or neglect that could seep over into their time with you and be causing the issue.

Hiding the soiled clothes is a sign of shame, a recognition that they know this shouldn't be happening. Shouting at them just reinforces this sense of shame and isn't productive.

Best of luck.

I agree that this wouldn't be happening without reason. Perhaps you should discuss what could be causing it with their father rather than trying to change sleeping arrangements. Would putting a potty in the room help? Is your dsd doing this in her sleep? I agree with the posters who suggest taking them to the GP and trying to get some real help.

I agree that there is a reason for the accidents, and given that they are both doing it seems unlikely it will be medical although of course you should check this out anyway. Regardless of how happy they appear to be, something is causing the soiling AND the hiding of it. I would recommend you get some professional help with how to deal with it for the good of your step children.

I would lino the rooms for now, with washable rugs. Get the school nurse to help you. They will give you better advice and practicle help that we could not give you.

They dont do alot with there mum. She basically lets them do what they want so she doesnt have to deal with them. They are always tired whenvthey come back because of the late nights. I have taken my ss to gp as I was concerned it could be a health problem. He just says when hes playing with his friends he doesnt want to miss out on anything. And my sd is saying she wakes up to go but cant be bothered to go to the bathroom so just pees where she is. I have never shouted at them for this. But I have explained how wrong it is and its better to be clean.
It may sound like im more concerned for my daughter and her having her own room. But that is not the case at all. I have delt wi my ss problem before and it did work but has just staryed happening again now that the weather is better and hes going out more with friends. They have talked to me about things troubling them and I always deal with it wether its at home or school. And they know they can always talk to me or there dad about anything. And they do.

I do help her. But she has just always loved doing it on her own. She appreciates it when I do it but she loves the feeling she gets of doing it herself. I have never made her tidy her own room. I love cleaning and tidying for my family. Its just how she is. Like me I suppose. She likes things done in a certain way. And it bugs her if its not done in her way.

Oh and the toilet issues have been happening with ss longer than I have been with his dad and my sd has only been a month. And she has said its because she cant be bothered to go toilet.

Heaven, you sound like really loving family and it's good that your DSC can talk to you. It is possible that there are emotional issues that they are not consciously aware of that result in the toilet problems. Even if it's not trauma, but neglect that has lead to no self-care being taught I think you still would benefit from talking to a health care professional for advice.

I have loads of experience with this behaviour from kids in care and it is usually indicative of trauma that needs to be addressed.

The hiding is part of it I'm afraid so being cross won't help. Harm minimisation is the way to go to start with, I suggest nappy buckets in wardrobes that you have an agreed date to clean.
Sticker charts with rewards will also be useful.

Small steps can make a big difference in the behaviour but if the root cause is not addressed it will turn into another unwanted behaviour down the line.

My first thoughts are that they could be on the ASD spectrum because of the hiding of the soiled clothes. Then again it could be because of their unsettled life due to parental break up. Ask your gp to send you for a proper referral. Do they display any other unusual behaviour? Keep a record of how many times a week etc.

In the mean time, get rid of the carpet & put down a washable floor. Buy water proof mattress protectors (Argos, John Lewis etc) & water proof quilt & pillow protectors. Buy water proof bed mats that you can slip in between the bed sheet & the mattress.

Google nocturnal eurenesis (spelling?) and the name of a charity should come up. Contact them and see whey advise & naybe the national autistic society www.autism.org

I hope that you get this sorted out soon.

Could your sd be saying she can't be bothered to go to the toilet becuase she has hear her db say it? DD1 used to be awake enough to know she needed to toilet at night but not awake enough to know where it was (linen basket / window sill/ wardrobe... ) every time we heard he we ran upstairs and guided her to the toilet.

Daytime soiling is different and like others have said may be an indication of trauma. Altenatiovely it can also indicate constipation etc with over flow ( also a problem for dd1 !) eric has a huge range of resources for soiling and wetting problems if you've not seen it before. (We got refered to the continence team by the school nurse (Gp saw no problem) and still use a very small dose of laxatives now to keep her sorted.)

heavenmum28 Sat 29-Jun-13 20:58:51
"Oh and the toilet issues have been happening with ss longer than I have been with his dad and my sd has only been a month. And she has said its because she cant be bothered to go toilet."

Well, she has to say something, doesn't she? If it is happening due to some trauma in the past, how would you expect a 7yo to realise that or be able to vocalise it? ("sorry stepmum, these issues are all due to a traumatic incident that happened to me early in 2009"- hardly likely, is it?). No doubt she has no idea why it is happening so grabs at an explanation.