daughter and step kids

[heavenmum28]

Hi I need some advice. I have 2 girls 10 and the other 6 months. I also have a step son who is 9 n half and a step daughter who is 7.
My daughter is sharing a room with my step daughter and my step son has his own room. Our baby is in with us still as we have no room for her in the girls room.
My step daughter has started peeing in her sleep and I dnt mean just in the bed. She also gets out of bed and does it on the carpet. The smell in there is horrible. She also hides dirty underwear when she has peed or pooed her self :-(. My step son also has toilet issues. He poos himself alot and always hides it in his room or cupboards. Again the smell is unbearable. I think it is very unfair for my daughter who has never had issues with this to have sleepin her room and put up with the smell. Shes a very tidy n clean girl and is always tidying up after her step ssister and has now actually started wearing rubber gloves n a mask when shes cleaning the room. I have told her I will clean the room as its not fare on her to do it all the time but she insists on doing it as she always has. Am I being unreasonable to ask my partner if his son and daughter can share a room and my daughter goes in the small room and eventually have our baby in with her. I must also add my daughter goes to stay at her grandparents most weekends and 1 maybe 2 nights in the week just so she can lay in bed and enjoy breathing with out smelling a toilet basically. I want her home with me some weekends but she hates being in the room. How canI bring this up with my partner with out it sounding like im picking on his kids. He knows the toilet problems they have and has tried dealing with it. Please help
Nikki

I wouldn't be taking 'can't be bothered' as the reality of it all. I would be looking for other reasons that a child can't articulate, and also second others on this thread who've suggested ways of helping them clear it up/ cope.

Children can seem perfectly happy and sorted on the outside and it be very different on the inside...

I agree that this sounds like trauma related.

I wouldn't get a new carpet! Go for Lino or laminate instead, both can be very cheap (carpet Britain are great). You can get new kids mattresses delivered for about £30 from eBay too and get rid of any lingering smell.

I would ask your dsd if she would like to share with her brother or your dd. as much as I understand wanting your dd to have a nice environment, I think it's very important that dsd is supported and nothing else happens to upset her at the moment.

I'd take them to the GP. CAMHS referral perhaps? Willing to soil themselves is not normal behaviour in children of that age. Whatever is causing it can then be addressed properly. As a short term solution, pull-ups at night.

I think it's very important that dsd is supported and nothing else happens to upset her at the moment.

I cannot believe that anyone would suggest that it's better for one child to be made to sleep in an unsanitary environment so as not to upset another, it must be awful for OP's DD.

Both DSd and DSs need to be referred; there is probably an underlying cause and it needs to be dealt with, counselling may well be the way to go if the problem is emotional. However, I'm sure that you're trying to helps your DSC and your OP was about your DD.

How is your DD reacting to what is happening? Has the constant urinating caused any issues between her and her step sis? If so, then switching the rooms may well be the best option in the short term to minimise any damage to your family. I am concerned that if your DD feels that going to her DGP's is the only way to have a comfortable space, then she is going to start feeling pushed out/less valued.

I'm not an expert at all but my DN had/has similar issues and he is now nearly 16. My DB and SiL split due to DB's affair when DN was nearly 2. It started then, he went back into nappies. Needless to say despite best attempts to keep it civil infront of DC the atmosphere, upheaval, house moves, two homes, split lives etc resulted in trauma that even the most articulate and academically minded child can't express.

Its deep but... There is not much in life that children have any control over except their bladders and bowels. I don't recall all the explanation but there is a spiral of consequential problems psychological and physical including fear of loss, shame, lowered self esteem and compaction, leaking, weakened muscles, etc. It's so deep the body is reacting even if the head is trying to stop. They cannot help it and hate it and the spiral continues to make them sadder and sadder.

I could suggest all kinds of possible triggers from your post but I'm not trained and I don't want to put thoughts into your head other than you need to get some help and I would also think about this in terms of family therapy as all four of your children are affected. It's just that two of them are currently manifesting physical symptoms and they need help with this aspect urgently. Your Gp or health visitor (as you have a little one) will be a good person to ask.

I will suggest you stop your DD cleaning this though no matter how much satisfaction she gets from helping. No 10 year old can or should be managing cleaning to the level required and I can't imagine it is doing the relationship between the two girls any good. The mask and gloves ... Well I'm going to stop as I'm straying into areas for which I have no qualification but I would take that task on yourself with compassion and love for all the children involved. If she wants to help she can do the light dusting and polishing after you've done the rest.

The three older children are now siblings linked by a common half sister and if the family functions well will have a relationship for the next 70/80 years of their lives. Help now will ensure this is positive, supportive and enriching for them all.

The whole family approach has really helped my DN he's still got some physical/ medical side effects which is why at 16 he's still affected btw. So don't feel overwhelmed its a positive step forward to get outside help.

I'm finding some of this difficult to understand. Your husband punishes the children for hiding soiled underwear? Does it not occur to him to handle that level of shame with compassion and expert advice?

Also, allowing a 10 year old to clean up wee and poo? There's a difference between tidying and having to use bleach and gloves and in my opinion the latter is not appropriate for a child of that age.

And why plan to replace a sodden stinking carpet with another carpet??

Just a quick thought - is she scared to use the bathroom at night? If this is something new, perhaps something has happened recently and she is trying to find the simplest explanation, rather than saying "I get scared/something happened to me"?

Good luck with it all. It must be hard to try to foster a good response to these problems if it's not consistently applied, eg when they are at their mother's house at the weekends. Could you talk to her at all?

why are her mother and father not taking her to the GP? surely you do not have PR and therefore not allowed to deal with this stuff with professionals on behalf of your DSD

Jesus, those kids are troubled. Deal with that. Not the room.

And your daughter shouldn't be cleaning up. And why is your husband punishing the kids? What is wrong with the pair of you?

Heaven: Some of these replies are very harsh, but there is also some very good advice too.

Stop your DD cleaning up the mess - could you ask her to mind the baby whilst you do it?

Get rid of the carpet.
Replace it with lino and rugs.
Get help the SC asap.

Best wishes to you all.

I don't see any reason that both issues can't be addressed simultaneously actually. It isn't acceptable that your DD is being driven from her home on weekends to escape the situation. I would move the rooms around and then you are free to focus with the problem at hand without worrying about the effects on DD.

Focus being the operative word really. In addition to professional help and advise these children need to be focused on positively.
Whatever the root cause of the issues, what they are begging for via these behaviours is to be centre of focus for however short a time. Children who have suffered damage of some sort don't tend to differentiate between positive and negative attention, from their perspective, when dad is punishing them he is focused entirely on them. Not busy with work, or the baby, or family life in general. Just them. For a moment or two.

Please try and empathise for a minute OP, with exactly how troubled and inwardly distressed these children must be to crave even punishment to make them feel secure.

Do not punish or chastise them when these incidents happen. Quietly and without fuss clean it up, don't ask them why they have done it or why they didn't tell you. They do not have the answers to those questions!

Whenever they do use the toilet correctly, or even when they come and tell you about an accident instead of hiding it, make a fuss! Tell them how pleased with them you are that they have been honest or been to the loo. Teach them that they will get positive focus for doing the right things!

Do they do these things at their mothers? Have you any idea how she deals with it if so? Consistency between homes is always a good idea where possible.

Do go back to the GP, ask school of they have similar issues there.

These kids are metaphorically screaming "LOOK AT MEEEEE".

Agree with flank

I would certainly ask them if they would prefwer to share a room.Are you sure the little 7 year old isn't being bullied by your DD? It is very odd she insists on donning all the bio hazard gear so she can make a big thing of cleaning up the little one's accidents, when you have told her you will do it?

I agree with andro .

It's not fair that sc all ways seemed to get their needs put before all other children. They should all be equal.

Move your dd and get help for sc immediately.

Sounds like my brothers child , 14 with a long history of toilet problems from since a child. Drawing with pooh on wall, wetting during secondary school and now hiding pooh in her wardrobe. They also went through a phase of cutting them self and being very violent towards their mother.

The school got involved and CAHMS but nothing ever come of it. Their mother never pushed it to find root of problem

Agree with what everyone else says.

This isn't normal behaviour. You need to get them referred by GP to see if there is a physical cause but I would bet it is much much more likely that they are very upset by something.

I just don't believe any child of those ages 'can't be bothered' to go to the toilet. That is probably the only thing she could think to say.

they need help.

I agree. Some of these comments have been very harsh. May I point out I DO NOT let my 10 year old daughter clean up pee n poo. She tidys her room by picking toys up, clothes and books etc. She wears the gloves because she does not want smell of pee on her hands. As for the mask a bit extreme. She got it in a face mask making kit and thinks its cool 2 wear. But does say as shes tidying the smell does annoy her so chooses 2 wear mask. I do NOT let her use bleach or anything like that. Everything has a home in her room and she likes it dun that way. Yes it has caused problems with her ss but she would never bully her because of it. She has even told her ss if shes scared about going to the loo in the light the she can always wake her up and she will take her or to call her dad or myself and we will take her. As for the punishment I hope you dont think my partner beats them for this. Its been a case of throwing away so many pairs of pants or finding so many hidden that after saying soooo many times you must tell us if you have had an accident that I think grounding them for the night he was hopeing this would work. I dont think my sd has a health problem or is traumatised by any thing. Because it finally clicked due to the hot weather we was letting them take a bottle of water to bed with them but sd was drinking hers all with in minutes. I have for now stopped the drink uo stairs to see if that could of been the problem and so far she has been dry since. But still the issue with ss and his dad has taken him gp to get some help.
I would like to thank some of you for the very helpful advice and understanding. And to the others with the harsh words....well....I wont say what you can do with your comments. But u know who you are.
And just another thing to make it perfectly clear. I may not of given birth to them 2. But I love them with all my heart and very much equally to my daughters. They didnot grow in my belly but they are my kids and I love all 4 them equally.

I do not allow my daughter to pick up pee or poo. She wears the rubber gloves as she is tidying her room like picking her toys up or books or picking uo clothes to put in the wash she doesnt want the smell of pee on her hands. She has never been nasty to her step sis about the accidents. And she has never pointed out the fact she is wearing gloves because of the pee. And I said get a new a carpet because I can get a discount on carpets.And also ttruthfully didnt think of lino and thought laminate could be to expensive.

How you have let it get to the stage where your daughter wears rubber gloves in her bedroom is a question only you can answer. Bollocks to the discount on carpets stuff. this has been going on a while, you say your dss has always had toileting issues. I can only think you are not on top of your own household.

You and your dp have clearly not managed either your dss' ongoing issues for the past few years, nor your dsds' emerging issues, nor your daughter's reaction to it.

Your dp and his ex need to tackle this together. You can support. But clearly none of the adults here have had the heart, will or nous to deal with troubled children.

If you love children you do not let them suffer years of problems without dealing with it.

Time to wake up and smell the coffee.

Actually, ignore my posts. No need to feed this nonsense.

Oh my god how dare you. I am a young mum. Iv never had to deal with other peoples children before I met my partner. I do not neglect my children at all. I have spent the last 2 years looking after these children. Makeing sure there washed with clean clothes and fed every single day. I have been to the doctors several times about this problem and things stop for a couple of months n start again. Yes I may be a bit selfish in wanting my daughter to feel happy in her own home and wanting to give her her own room so she can happy. But how dare you say I neglect my kids. I do no such thing. I was hopeing to get some helpful advice off people who may be going through the same. Luckily for me I found it on another site where I dnt get accused of being a bad mum from ppl who dnt even know me.
And as for the whole bloody carpet thing. I was mearly replying to sum1s rude comment saying basically I wasa twat for putting another carpet down. Tell u wot MADAMEDEFARGE you come to my house and then tell me I neglect my children. Im sure I I neglected them then the school would see by now. Or ppl on the out side would see it. But as for u. U av no bloody right in saying that. And rigjt now I dont give a fuck if I get removed from this site for saying all this. Cuz u have no bloody idea hiw u av made me feel now. I took on 2 extra kids at the age of 22. I have loved them and cared for them as my own. Yes my daughter loves to keep clean and keep the envenvironment around her clean, its how I have brought her up and how I was brought upand hiw my sister was brought up and mum and my nan. I have been very lucky cuz I have never had ti deal with toilet accidents. Not during the day or at night. Never. So I have no idea hiw to handle this. I am doing my god damn best. I talk to him try and find out if something is upsetting him or troubling him. The school has offered some sort of counciling to help me out. My partner does all he can. We take him doctors. So im sorry my kids arent bloody operfect like yours no doubt but they are NOT neglected.

fine.don't post in AIBU then. To allow a chlid to continue to have incontinence problems for the amount of time your dss has, and then to say you did not notice the urine smell in your daughter's and stepdaughter's bedroom to the point your daughter is now wearing rubber gloves to pick up her toys is just bleeding weird.

take it or leave it. Don't post in AIBU if you want support and help because there are some of us who think what you are describing is neglect. and the fact you do not respond to questions about their DM and their Father.

If you have brought your daughter up to embrace rubber gloves to clean her room without you noticing the state of her bedroom you do indeed have a lot to answer for.