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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Man in Sainsbury's cafe-was I out of order?

347 replies

Beatrixpotty · 29/06/2013 13:30

Took 3 DCs (2,3 & baby) on my own to Sainsburys,3 year old was hungry after swimming so decided to go to cafe first.
Was getting the lunch when 3yr old DS went to man in queue with a croissant on his tray and pointed to it & toched it saying "I want one of those."Big fuss,man said don't want that,boy touched it etc,lady on till sympathetic and said of course,no problem,I'll get another one etc.

Meanwhile I was furious with DS,he knows not to touch in cafes & shops,and I td him off,made him come and stand with me,hold my hand(which he hates) and wait quietly.I also made him go and apologise to the man,which he did.
The man did not even acknowledge him though and said loudly to me "Just control your children!"
I was very offended.I was upset he had not accepted the apology from DS.He was none the worse off as he had a new croissant.
The cashier said to me "Sorry about that rude man" afterwards and I said "Don't worry,I'm going to say something."
So once my DCs were nicely sitting down I went over and said "Excuse me,no need to be so rude,my son apologised,he's only 3 and I had already told him off." He then said "Well it's not very nice for someone to touch your breakfast."
I then said something about don't criticise me and I think you were unnecessarily rude" and walked off.
We then continued eating ours co,the DCs were well behaved,that was the end.
I know I was angry and maybe acted impulsively confronting him and an now wondering if I was out of order?I'm prepared to be told I was,I'm not expecting everyone to agree with me as I can see it from both sides but after what the cashier said I felt maybe he was unnecessarily rude to me?

OP posts:
SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 29/06/2013 17:31

He was rude, but then you were ruder so unfortunately you lost the moral high ground.

I've seen 3 year olds with their fingers up their noses, messing round on the floor, shoving their hands down their underpants, etc. There's no way of knowing if the 3 year old that's just fondled your breakfast had washed their hands moments before, or been firking round in something truly disgusting. I play it safe myself! Wouldn't be rude about it though. An apology would more than suffice and as long as the offending breakfast item was replaced, there would be no problem.

Tailtwister · 29/06/2013 17:31

Well OP, sometimes these things happen. Any reasonable person would understand that. You had 3 children under 4 and I'm guessing 2 hands at the most (not 3!). No doubt you were doing your best and I would challenge any parent to say that at one time or another they haven't dropped the ball. I hate the phrase 'control your children'. They are people (albeit young ones) and not animals! Yes, your son shouldn't have touched the man's croissant and he was within his rights to ask for another one. Unfortunately, he chose to be rude and ungracious when he ignored your son's apology and decided to continue (and worsen) the situation by using that ridiculous phrase.

If it had been me, I would have offered to swop the croissant with your son and accepted his apology.

Yes, you were unreasonable to confront him further but you did so as you were (understandably) furious. I would have struggled to leave it too.

Original poster
Beatrixpotty · 29/06/2013 17:38

Thanks for all the replies.
I totally accept that it is wrong to touch food,understood why he was upset,apologised to him,told off my son and apologised too and did all I could to rectify the situation.
But he chose to ignore our apologies and all I got was a loud insult in return.Which provoked me.
I totally agree though that I should have left it there and fumed silently.

It has been interesting reading all your comments,thank you,especially for the sympathetic ones!

OP posts:
ZZZenagain · 29/06/2013 17:39

it is really hard when people are horrible to your dc, we all know how that is but sometimes rather than have your dc hear more of the same, it is best to leave it IME. I've certainly had some unpleasant experiences and I am sure most of us have

fluffyraggies · 29/06/2013 17:41

''man said don't want that,boy touched it etc,lady on till sympathetic and said of course,no problem,I'll get another one''

OP made son appologise.

''The man did not even acknowledge him though and said loudly to me "Just control your children!"

This sounds like someone unable to control their temper??? Really??? I'd have told you loudly to control your kids as well if one of them poked my food!

I think it is unwise to make a child this young appologise to a stranger. i feel it's meaningless and risks a snub to the child. Which is exactly what happened. Better to appologise to the man yourself and go reprimand your child and explain the boy what he had done wrong in privacy. I'm no fan of seeing very young children told off and forced to appologise. It was your responsibility, OP, to smooth the waters.

Then you went over to the guy and started it all off again! Unbelievable!

themaltesecat · 29/06/2013 17:41

Yes, you were unreasonable to confront him further but you did so as you were (understandably) furious. I would have struggled to leave it too.

The irony is that the man has been accused on this thread of being "unable to control his temper" (though while he was waspish, there is no evidence of him losing it at any stage)- the man should control himself! He has also been called a twat for asking the OP to control her children- a parent should not have to control her children like dogs!

The only person who lost control here was the OP. Self-control is an excellent trait and yes, you should control your children until they are old enough to behave properly.

Please don't let your children grow up thinking it's OK to abuse strangers when they don't accept your apology gracefully enough for your liking, when they have been harmed or put out by YOUR behaviour.

fluffyraggies · 29/06/2013 17:42

Xpost with your last post OP. Silent fuming would have been better, yes :)

ImNotBloody14 · 29/06/2013 17:43

You over reacted- yes he was rude but you dont get to demand other people are mannerly and polite. I find it very funny that you think you had a right to reprimand and adult about their attitude.

You should have just spoken to your ds about how the man spoke rudely and that it wasnt ok to do that. And that sometime he will come across rude people but not to get annoyed by it because its their problem not any reflection on you. So dont take in board their negativity.

broccolirocks · 29/06/2013 17:50

I wonder how he should have reacted? I know it's good manners to accept an apology graciously but what if the 'hurt' person is still unhappy. Should he have said 'that's ok' or 'never mind' even if he was thinking the opposite? His reply was along the lines of 'don't do it again' but to the mum rather than the child. Not a polite reply but not nasty or aggressive and at least it was honest.

Elquota · 29/06/2013 18:04

How about "control your stuffy and ridiculous attitude"?

Viviennemary · 29/06/2013 18:06

Your DS was only doing something that three year olds do if you take your eyes of them for a second. So no blame there at a busy time. The man should really have accepted the apology as he got a fresh croissant and your child was ohly three. So he was a bit mean. But I don't think you should have gone and confronted him again. You should have just left him alone as none of it was his fault.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 29/06/2013 18:11

after what the cashier said I felt maybe he was unnecessarily rude to me?

That's a bit worrying tbh. Why does it matter what the cashier said? It's what you think and what your standards/interpretations are that count.

Unless you know you behaved badly and are trying to excuse yourself by 'blaming' the cashier.

I think you were totally unreasonable to harrass the man at his table. He doesn't have to come over all sweetness and light just because your son apologised. And the man was right - you should control your own children or accept that other people will be pissed off with you/them.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 29/06/2013 18:14

And what he said was not an insult really - more a statement of fact. And way to go for teaching your kids how to respond appropriately in awkward situations.

fuckwittery · 29/06/2013 18:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Eyesunderarock · 29/06/2013 18:24

'unfortunately I can't keep my children on a leash like a dog'

I did, I had reins on mine. I was a non-driver, we walked miles and those reins were fab. DD being 2 at the time when James Bulger was murdered helped me stand firm in the face of the 'Tut tut, I wouldn't leash my child' free-rangers.
DS on the spectrum, he'd have had that croissant past the point of no return before I'd drawn breath otherwise.
But OP has come back, seems to have calmed down a bit. Probably the man has too.
Good luck next week. Grin

RevoltingPeasant · 29/06/2013 18:29

Cannot believe the man now 'insulted' the OP Shock

Since when is saying loudly (not yelling fgs) 'Just control your children' and 'Well, it's not very nice to have your breakfast touched' an insult???!

The OP's determination to continue the fight makes her a look a bit unhinged..... You are lucky the man didn't call security to get your family to stop bothering him.

Sirzy · 29/06/2013 18:29

Whether or not it was something that 3 year olds do or not (which is debatable in itself!) that doesn't change the fact that man was well within his rights to be pissed off that someone had poked his food!

RevoltingPeasant · 29/06/2013 18:30

Eyes, yes, the OP will always be That Woman to the Sainsbo caff staff now.

Elquota · 29/06/2013 18:36

Since when is saying loudly 'Just control your children' an insult???

It's very unfair to the child who'd just apologised but got ignored, and it's rude to keep banging on about something once you've received an apology.

Rulesgirl · 29/06/2013 18:36

Bless, your poor little boy. Being taught to do the right thing and go and apologise and then some ignorant insensitive nasty man (who should know better) ignores the apology. What does that teach the poor child? That it not worth apologising for something you have done wrong? The little boy was just being completely natural and normal. He saw something he wanted and went up and touched it. Hope you explained to him that although what he did was not acceptable that the man was also in the wrong for not acknowledging the little boy and his apology.
Victor Meldrew comes to mind!!!

ImNotBloody14 · 29/06/2013 18:44

Rulesgirl i think the op could use this as a very useful leason for her son. It is a fact of life that not everyone acts as they should or as you think they should. If you are to lead a happy life you are better learning and acceptin g this early on and realising that their actions are no reflection on yours. Continuing to hold onto upset means you are upset but it doesn't make the other person no longer rude. He is a stranger op will most likely never see again so nothing at all can be gained from her teaching her ds that continuing to be angry is the right reaction. Far better that she teaches him to apologise and then move on and not to take on board any of the other persons issues.

cakebar · 29/06/2013 18:56

I HATE people making their toddler apologise to me or my kids. You are in a situation where a kid has done something unpleasant to you or your kids and then are forced to engage with them further whilst parent coaxes apology. No thanks. I just want you to go away. The kid isn't sorry or they wouldn't have done it, the parent is sorry, they should say sorry.

This kind of thing means you end up with brats at school who think they can do what they want but it is ok as long as they say sorry after.

OP, yes you overreacted. You need more tactics for 3 under 3, I have been there and you must be on top of this for safety reasons, what if he had wondered out the door? My tactic was a double pushchair, and other toddler with hand on pushchair. When we were out that hand never came off the pushchair, if my attention was diverted I used my foot/body/hand to check he was still there. When middle became older we used reins. It means your children have less freedom and you need to train them like dogs but it is one of the many costs of 3 under 3. I also wouldn't have done a Sainsbury's cafe on a Saturday. Would have been too difficult for me.

ShaggingZumbaStylee · 29/06/2013 19:01

unreasonable on both sides.

Big breath and move on

HumphreyCobbler · 29/06/2013 19:05

making your 3 year old apologise for doing something they should not do IS 'controlling your kid'.

I wouldn't have followed him to have a go though, he was clearly an irascible man.

TiggyD · 29/06/2013 19:08

Man- Bit unreasonable.
OP- Rather unreasonable. More unreasonable than man.

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