Now he's dead they'll be minted!

[MintyFreshNow]

This is the text that SIL sent to my DH by accident instead of her own DH when my DF died. I do not know if she knows that I know about it. AIBU to think this is not a 'normal' thing to say about anyone when their DF has just died?

I am glad I am not the only one to think it is not normal. Just to answer a few questions, I have name changed for this as I have posted on here before about how my DF died so did not want to 'out' myself on the offchance that SIL is on here too. DF died over a year ago and the text was sent to DH within a week of that happening. DH only told me recently in passing when we were talking about something else and thought he had told me before. I was shocked but not surprised, SIL has made comments about money in the past. DH at the time told me he had texted her back and said, 'I think you sent this to me by accident' and she never replied to him. I am sure that people speculate about what others may inherit but to me, even sending this message to her own DH seems really weird. I would never send a message to my DH like that if his BILs Dad had passed away. I have no intention of letting SIL know that I know and would certainly not let it cause any type of family upset but as this is my DF (and therefore i am emotionally connected) I just needed to know that I wasn't being unreasonable and that others would agree with me.

Ah, so it was quite a long time ago, and the exact wording might have been forgotten, the exclamation mark added etc.

If you've had a happy relationship with SIL before and since without knowing of her mistake then you really are doing the right thing to carry on as normal.

I think it is a 'normal' topic to discuss.

I said something just the other day to my DH when discussing a friend who owed him money for a job he had done for her. I happen to know that when her parents die she will be a very wealthy woman. I mentioned this at the end of the conversation as this is where the conversation led to.
I wasn't being vile or jealous, just stating a fact.

Minty I'm sorry for your loss. I don't think you are being unreasonable as this is not a normal thing to say. I can't imagine even thinking this upon hearing about someones parent who had just died.

However as it happened a year ago I'd let it be but I would not forget.

I don't think it's normal, how dare your SIL and her DH speculate about what your father may have left you in his will, none of their business. As for people here being smug about how much wealthier they will be when their relatives die, well don't count your chickens, if you were my relatives I'd be leaving it all to Battersea Dogs Home.

There are people like that, who do think a lot about money. It may be jealousy but it could also just be idle gossip. I don't think it shows any hatred towards another person.

With due respect, if it was the mother of my BIL that had died, I don't think my DH would have any qualms about sending a text like that to me. Nor do I think my SIL, although very nice and personable to me when we meet, would worry about a private message in such a vein to her DH. BridgetBidet sums up exactly how I feel.

I'm sorry that your father has died .

With or without punctuation it is still a bloody awful thing to say!

As gently as I possibly can...a year is NO time to have lost a father (my own father died over 25 years ago and it still seems very recent) but it is WAY too long to be brooding over someone else's mistaken text. Even if she were spiteful and vicious and not 'normal' (which I doubt, this is her problem and not yours. For your own sake, you have to let it go.

As I said before, I think it is "normal" to discuss.

But as a non texter-is that discussion?

I mean I can't imaging texting my husband to say that.

It would be a face to face thing as part of an actual conversation iyswim.

The OP just found out about the text recently. So she hasn't been 'brooding' over it for a year.

Antisecco, I think OP's DH only mentioned it to her recently, thinking he had told her before.

Oops, so I think that timescale is fair enough, I meant to add.

Sorry, my mistake. But I stand by what I said about the fact that even if she is being weird etc etc , it is her problem and not Minty's

Anti, I think the OP only found out about it recently.

OP. Texting is just chatting, so try to think of how bad you think it would be for someone to say this in passing to their dh. That's the way to judge it as it was only meant for her dh's ears.

That's nice your DH didn't tell you at the time. Good for him.

Has your SIL lost a parent or another person very close to her? I think until someone has a loss that close they don't comprehend how bloody painful it is and can say/text really insensitive things. Not in the same league, but my SIL on Xmas Eve asked me if I was spending Christmas day with my Dad (he had died the year before) - we had previously talked about it and she had sent a sympathy card. I think if one of her parents had died I would have remembered!

Of course people think it, you shouldn't really say it and certainly not text it to anyone let alone the wrong person.

Sorry for your loss OP, hope you are OK.

Bit thoughtless of your DH to show it to you as well.

Even if I thought it, I wouldn't have the gall to say or text it. If for some reason I suddenly found it appropriate I'd fully expect it to be met with faces.

It's not a normal thing to say, if you like the person you're talking about imo.

Sorry for your loss

FWIW, it was very insensitive and maybe she'll learn a lesson and will be extra careful about what she includes in her future texts and who she's sending them to, but I also agree that she probably feels wretched (or will do when she realises).

Don't give yourself something else to be upset over. You are going through such a tough time already.

So: it seems it would be normal for some people to talk/text about this sort of thing and less so for others, but it doesn't really mean that one cohort is right and the other wrong.

If however there was some malice behind what SiL said, (and this is really not clear) then that's definitely not nice. But in answer to your question Minty well yes, clearly some people do agree with you but equally others don't. Totally reasonable that you should seek validation in this way, but ulitmately it's your own feelings that count.

Take care

No, SIL has never lost a close relative (and neither has her DH) so you are right, she probably has no comprehension of what it is like. Also, DH only told me very recently (and as I said, he said it thinking he had told me before). He didn't tell me at the time as we had a lot to deal with. I can let this go, I am not stewing over it or harbouring bad feelings toward SIL, I just needed some clarification from 'strangers' that being somewhat annoyed/aghast/p*ed off/insert feeling here was normal.

It's a bit rubbish that she didn't respond to your DP's follow up text but maybe she was just so embarrassed and not confident and/ or mature enough to respond.

Its a useful little insight into her mind set but I would take it heart since she has not lost anyone close to her yet...she will learn sadly and then you can treat her with empathy this showing what a lovely person you are.

You're allowed to be pissed off Minty of course you are, it was insensitive but I'm pleased you haven't let it ruin your relationship with your Dsis-IL