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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Now he's dead they'll be minted!

109 replies

MintyFreshNow · 27/06/2013 12:39

This is the text that SIL sent to my DH by accident instead of her own DH when my DF died. I do not know if she knows that I know about it. AIBU to think this is not a 'normal' thing to say about anyone when their DF has just died?

OP posts:

LilacPeony · 27/06/2013 13:28

YANBU. What did your dh reply?

encyclogirl · 27/06/2013 13:30

I think she'll be mortified when she realises what she's done. I agree that it's a very common reaction. I'm guilty of similar thoughts in the past. I've never said it, but I have thought it.

CookieLady · 27/06/2013 13:32

I hope your dh replied! What a crass, insensitive and materialistic thing to say.

WhoNickedMyName · 27/06/2013 13:32

I think between a husband and wife this is just a normal musing...

Your SIL has fucked up by sending the text to your DH instead of hers, and your DH is a bit of an insensitive prick to have shown the text to you.

Fakebook · 27/06/2013 13:36

I think between a husband and wife this is just a normal musing...

No, I don't think it is. You have to be pretty spiteful and have a lot of hatred for someone to say something like this.

tedmundo · 27/06/2013 13:39

I don't see her as vile, nasty etc. but certainly very thoughtless. I imagine she is shrivelled up in a ball of guilt right now!

That was a text meant for her DH and while it was a really, really hurtful thing to write about, it was meant to be a conversation between them.

Honestly? If my and DHs conversations were broadcast we may upset a few people too!

I am so sorry for the loss of your father.

squoosh · 27/06/2013 13:39

'You have to be pretty spiteful and have a lot of hatred for someone to say something like this.'

Ummmm, no. Not if it's in the context of a conversation.

BridgetBidet · 27/06/2013 13:41

Why did your DH tell you? I think it was a mistake and she'll be mortified. It doesn't mean that she doesn't feel sorry for your loss. To be honest I do think that it's a normal thing to be said between husband and wife.

My parents are wealthy and I know that my SILs are aware I'm going to inherit a substantial amount and I would be surprised if that didn't occur to them and they didn't mention that to their husband's should the worst happen.

It's very crass and insensitive and it's no wonder you're upset. But if your relationship is good otherwise it would be waste to end it over this.

Antisecco · 27/06/2013 13:42

You have to be pretty spiteful and have a lot of hatred for someone to say something like this.

That is one point of view but please don't state it as fact...I lean much more to the view that it is a fairly 'normal musing'

WhoNickedMyName · 27/06/2013 13:45

You have to be pretty spiteful and have a lot of hatred for someone to say something like this.

Not at all. My DH and I have discussed this. DH and my SIL will be extremely wealthy when my FIL passes away.

SIL's in-laws are also extremely wealthy, so she'll be even more 'loaded' when they pass.

It's a fact. We have talked about it. I don't feel spite or hatred for my SIL.

ShatnersBassoon · 27/06/2013 13:45

You're wrong, Fakebook.

I have perfectly neutral feelings about my BIL's parents. I suspect BIL will be remarkably wealthier if he receives an inheritance from his parents (never thought about it before this thread though). I don't hate or even dislike any of the people involved. I'm very fond of BIL.

MildDrPepperAddiction · 27/06/2013 13:45

So sorry for your loss. I would confront her. She sounds vile.

Fakebook · 27/06/2013 13:45

Well you have your thought and I'll have mine. I don't find it normal to muse about the death of a family member's parent.

Fakebook · 27/06/2013 13:46

No shatnersbottom, I'm not wrong. We just disagree.

adeucalione · 27/06/2013 13:49

I also think that it's a fairly normal thing to say privately to DH, as part of a wider conversation about the death of someone you barely know.

Surely we have all said something unkind or thoughtless at some point in our lives, something we would hate the subject to hear about?

I wouldn't embarrass her by mentioning it.

HoppinMad · 27/06/2013 13:50

I'm with fakebook, I really wouldnt say something like that, even to my DH. If I did, he would probably tell me to not be so insensitive and materialistic.

Antisecco · 27/06/2013 13:53

No shatnersbottom, I'm not wrong. We just disagree.

Well that's true but what you actually said was: you have to be pretty spiteful and full of hatred....

Doesn't really allow for difference of opinion does it. Whereas Shatner knows that hse is not spiteful (I assume) or full of hatred and yet does muse in that way.

NatashaBee · 27/06/2013 13:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nagoo · 27/06/2013 14:00

I agree with antisecco I don't think you have to be a bad person to think something like this.

I am sorry for your loss, and it was inappropriate for you to hear something like that, but if your SIL is not emotionally involved with your father then it is a normal thing for her to say privately to her husband. It's just very unfortunate that you heard it.

I'm not evil, I just tend to think about 'practical' things. If she had been talking to you or your DH then she would have been respectful and caring in her comments, but she was speaking privately to her DH, or so she thought.

Forgive her.

Pigsmummy · 27/06/2013 14:04

Sorry for your loss, don't let this accidental text cause you further pain. If you want something said then tell your DH to talk to to her but I wouldn't confront her yourself.

I don wonder why your DH told you though? If it had of been me I would have kept it to myself tbh.

IsabelleRinging · 27/06/2013 14:05

What a strangely surreal world some people live in.

SuckAtRelationships · 27/06/2013 14:06

well, it was not meant to be heard by any one but her spouse, and she has no emotional attachment so... do you never talk to your DH in ways that obv you wouldn't around others? and say things that you wouldn't want to be heard by certain people?

I'm sure it hurts but I think YAB a little U

FasterStronger · 27/06/2013 14:07

the op's father has 'just died'....this was one of the first things the SIL thought. not how is everyone coping? when will the funeral be? etc etc

fabergeegg · 27/06/2013 14:13

I'm sorry for your trouble, OP.

Life is so difficult these days that money, and the love of money, means much more than it should do, or would do, in a fairer society. Maybe your SIL is struggling to get by. It's not necessarily hurtful or wrong to think something along those lines. It would flicker through anyone's mind. The problem is how it was put and that, I think you should address, otherwise you might end up drawing away for no good reason.

Without knowing your SIL and how she thinks and talks, I don't think anyone can tell if she was being callously speculative, or just speculative. It was disrespectful and it's disappointing to think that people might say things like this behind closed doors, of course. But she wasn't speaking to someone who was vulnerable or grieving. She could just be very blunt in a heart-on-your-sleeve kind of way. I can think of people like this. Or she could be horrid.

Maybe you could consider just going to her , or writing a card, and saying, 'I know the text wasn't meant for me, or meant in a horrible way, but I've ended up knowing about it and as I'm feeling fragile, it ended up being upsetting. I know you wouldn't have meant it that way but I needed to tell you because I don't want to run the risk of it driving a wedge between us.'

ilovexmastime · 27/06/2013 14:15

I think it's a fairly normal thing to have said to a spouse, and if you like her otherwise then I would forget about it.
Does your DH like her? It was a bit stirry to show you the text knowing it would upset you.

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