Now he's dead they'll be minted!

[MintyFreshNow]

This is the text that SIL sent to my DH by accident instead of her own DH when my DF died. I do not know if she knows that I know about it. AIBU to think this is not a 'normal' thing to say about anyone when their DF has just died?

Sadly I think it might be normal thing to say-just not to the bereaved, obviously.

How did you see the text?

If husband showed it, I'd be pretty cross with him also.

I would have expected him to give his own sister a boot up the arse without involving OP.

Sorry about your Dad, OP.

I think thoughts of inheritance DO spring to mind on anyone's death. It's hard to imagine when you are the directly bereaved one, but I think it's common.

Assuming your SIL is wildy embarrassed and apologetic, as she should be, let it go.

It's a crass, shallow and disrespectful thing but it was not intended to hurt you or belittle your grieving.

So sorry about your DF.

Hmmmm, maybe it was one text in the context of a larger conversation along the lines of 'Poor Minty, it's so sad for her'...............

To be honest I'm cringing for the SIL, she must have got the chills when she realised her mistake.

Awful thing for you to read but it is the kind of thing people say to each other in private. If she's already a cow then by all means pull her up on it, but if you generally have a good relationship I'd let it go.

This too: I would have expected him to give his own sister a boot up the arse without involving OP.

Really sorry for your loss, having recently lost two very important family members, I would rather have them back than the money they left me.

I cannot understand the venom in some people. I wouldn't confront her but maybe in the future I would hint that messages sometimes go astray!

Firstly Minty I'm so sorry or your loss.

Very insensitive comment by your SIL, but one you were obviously not meant to see. I am sure she is mortified and I am sure she is feeling for your loss (even though a senseless moment like that doesn't show it!)

I would try to get past it if I were you (in the spirit of forgiveness, and enjoying those we love while we are living) we all say stupid things sometimes (but to text it is truly stupid!)

Try to surround yourself with support and kindness and fill yourself up with positive thoughts to get you through this difficult time. And don't get dragged down by bitterness (even though you would be fully entitled to be bitter about this comment!)

I hope you and you SIL's relationship remains intact!

I am also wondering how you saw the text message? You may have seen it yourself, but if my dh had actually shown me the message in your situation, I would be pretty pissed off with his shit stirring at an already difficult time.

Did your sil actually know your dad?
The reason I ask is that I was just thinking about this within mine and DH's families. Iyswim
I have never met my sil's DHs parents so whilst if they died I would be sad for sil and her DH it probably wouldn't impact on me iyswim.
I could imagine my DP and myself having the same conversation as your sil texted by accident.

Hopefully I've got your family dynamics right and your sil is your DH's sister.

Sorry about your Dad, Minty

That text was not very nice

But people do think stuff like that, and not necessarily, because they are bad avaricious people.

If you like your SIL let her apologise, or think no more of it.

Or if you are looking for an excuse to cut her off, now you have the perfect one.

(I think some people - not necessarily you OP - on MN are Very High Maintenance, expect perfection from all others at all times, and also like more drama in their lives than I do.)

It's perhaps not what she said, or even the mistake of sending it to the wrong person, but the timing of it that has caused such upset to the OP.

It can be very hard to forgive someone who hurts you in the early days of bereavement.

It's unfortunate that the text was sent to the wrong person, but not really an unusual thing to think or say privately really, hardly makes her vile like the 'angels' on here are suggesting. Besides, is she right, are you minted now?

It's a pity that DH told you about the message, but he probably did it before he had time to think. Even the best of us can be guilty of thoughtless behaviour at times

I would just reply with the was this meant for me? She will probably be mortified, maybe its the type of comment people might make between themselves but its still insensitive, this is why I triple check address on email and txt before I send.

Antisecco I agree with you. I wouldn't really be that torn up about my brother's wife's father dying, and I wouldn't pretend otherwise in a casual conversation with my husband.

That's really not relevant or necessary is it Isabelle?

The OP has just posted to say she was upset at her SIL saying/wondering this, so why would you ask her the same thing?

Well said merylstrop

Yes, I agree it's nasty.

But

It's a "inner thought"- one of those nasty thoughts we all have but generally keep to ourselves (as opposed to an outer thought we share). Mums net is privvy to many "inner thoughts" I think that's why I like it so much, because I'm secretly nosy other exceptions for shared inner thoughts are partners or close friends (sometimes). Can you view it as an escaped inner thought and try to forget it- especially as your DH has shared his own inner thoughts regarding it- otherwise you'd never even know, about the text.

Or, she's made some massive subconscious Freudian slip by text to get something out in the open??

Sorry for your loss.

This is not normal behaviour but I have an example from my SIL. She was overheard by my mother planning what furniture would go where in her house when my DM died. She rejected some of it and was talking about selling other bits. This was 4 Yeats ago and DM is still alive but never told her she heard it. She told me and changed her locks so she couldn't get in if something happened.

And I am very sorry about your loss, I read your op incorrectly and thought it was your FIL you were talking about, not that it should make a difference, but it's a very horrible thing to say and for you to find out.

I think it is more something that someone may say before someone dies, some close friends of ours have very rich parents (they are not at all rich themselves) so people have often commented that they will be absolutely loaded one day, not out of spite or jealousy, really just a passing comment.

To say it very soon after someone has died seems a bit odd, especially to specifically text it, however she was talking to her own DH and I am sure everyone has said things to their partners they would never dream of saying to anyone else at all so I don't think its horrific. It is also one text out of context.

I am sorry for your loss.
your SIL sounds very callous.

my SIL was annoyed that DF was dying when she wanted her wedding and came out with the gems and I quote: (1) 'but what if he is not dead next year?' to my DM (2) 'sitting around waiting for him to die'. no SIL, you were waiting for him to die.

So sorry for the loss of your father Minty, I hope things are not too bad for you.

Your SiL was wrong to do this, but sadly people do.

When my MiL died, I told my father and his first response was " Is there property involved?".

Incredible. He never asked about my poor DH at all.

Sorry for your loss ,but I also think that it is a fairly 'normal ' thing that someone might say to their husband ,I certainly don't think it's in any way 'nasty' . I also agree that your own husband should have dealt with it and not mentioned it to you , is he trying to stir / cause trouble ? Obviously if you're the one dealing with grief it's sometimes easy to get things out of perspective ,but if you've always got on with her prior to this I think I'd just ignore and move on .