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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be worried DS is destined for social pariah-hood because he's a boy?

79 replies

stubbornstains · 27/06/2013 11:07

DS is 3.5. In our village and the next one, at the childminder's, at playgroup and now at pre school, he has been and still is the only boy. I honestly thought this would never be a problem- I'm an ardent feminist, and had lovely visions of him enjoying creative ungendered play with lots of active little dungareed girls, which would set him up for life as a sensitive, aware male .

6 months ago he had a joint birthday party with one of his (female) little friends. Among the invitees was our closest neighbour with kids and her little girl. I welcomed the little girl's older brothers along too, because...well, it's a nice thing to do- the mum is a LP (like me), and it would be less hassle for her.

Fast forward 6 months, and once a week the little girl in question comes over to ours early in the morning, plays with DS and we take her to preschool (mum has something to do that morning). Occasionally DS is taken home and plays with them when I've got something on.

It's the little girl's birthday this weekend. They're having a "fairy party". DS is not invited. Apparently it's "girls only". Ironically, DS's favourite dressing up outfit at the moment is a fairy dress!

Is this what he (and I) have to look forward to all through pre school and primary school? Being constantly excluded from playdates and parties, and by extension a lot of social occasions, because he's not a girl?

I just feel like moving this morning, I really do. I also feel like telling this mum I'm no longer willing to take her daughter to pre school every week.

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 27/06/2013 11:10

I came on to tell you not to be so silly but actually that is awful (the party). I don't think YABU to have the hump with that mum.

StealthPolarBear · 27/06/2013 11:11

At school, all boys or all girls is sometimes the only fair (ish) way to keep the numbers down, but at a younger age it doesn't apply, and as far as youyr DS can see he's the only one who hasn't been invited.

StealthPolarBear · 27/06/2013 11:12

and you can't even tell him "they'll be dressing up as fairies and you wouldn't enjoy it" because he WOULD
Can you tell I am quite angry on your DS's behalf

Minty82 · 27/06/2013 11:12

They didn't invite the child their daughter plays with every week?! That's bizarre. Also bizarre that you've fallen into such a demographic anomaly - he's the only boy at pre-school?! It can't last, don't worry, there'll be some more Y chromosomes along soon. Sorry his friend's parents are being so daft though.

Nanny0gg · 27/06/2013 11:14

Does the mum know the upset she's causing? (I'm assuming your DS knows he's not invited)
And at his age, to exclude him is ridiculous.

I'd feel the same as you.

PeterParkerSays · 27/06/2013 11:17

what an awful mother, to deliberately pick a theme like this and deliberately not invite your son. Even if she didn't want him dressed up as a fairy (??) you can do a boy fairy costume.

What a spiteful thing for her to do.

Not being funny, but can you move to a place with more reasonable parents (of both girls and boys)? And where they don't try and foist single sex parties on pre-school children to whom it is meaningless?

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee · 27/06/2013 11:19

Big Hugs for you both!

It is hard to believe he's the only boy isn't it - is there something in the water there??

I would have a word with her actually - you need to put a stop to this before it starts and as she is the one you (seem to anyway) have the most contact with and she owes you one!! then she would seem a good place to start.

I'd be really blunt about it tbh and say pretty much what you have said in your OP.

I wouldn't 'let it go' because if you do, this will continue - if you don't then hopefully he wont be excluded from the others either.

Good luck.

Original poster

stubbornstains · 27/06/2013 11:20

I asked her about it this morning, NannyOgg, when she came to drop her daughter off. She seemed absolutely unconcerned about telling me that it was for "girls only" . I did say "It's going to be hard for him then, isn't it, as it looks like he's going to be in a school class with mostly girls?", but it just didn't seem to register.

Luckily, he's just that little bit too young to realise there's a party on he's not going to. He'd have absolutely loved it, it's in the woods, he loves fairy magical stuff

OP posts:

Thisisaeuphemism · 27/06/2013 11:23

Yes, I think you should say something, just casually, express how upset your DS was to be excluded by his friend.

Followed by can't take girl to school because it's boys only.

JoinTheDots · 27/06/2013 11:23

That is really sad.

Can you mention to the mum that although you appreciate it will be a girly party, since he is the only boy in the village, he is also the only child being excluded and you and he are feeling rather hurt by it. She might not have thought it through at all (clutching at straws to give her the benefit of the doubt here).

Otherwise I might be tempted to move (drastic!) so that his friendships were more balanced.

DIYapprentice · 27/06/2013 11:24

Surely you'd just adapt the theme, like an elf and fairy party, and invite the one boy that is in the group?

Sounds very mean.

What will happen at school? Unless you get a few more boys there I would send your DS to a different school, even if it is much further away. In DS1's year there is a gender imbalance and more girls than boys, and like it or not the boys and girls do play separately a lot of the time, so it has affected him because his friendship choices have been limited.

pinkballetflats · 27/06/2013 11:25

Given that you have a history of helping germ out and given that shes aware he is the only boy Id say YANBU and this woman is pretty thoughtless.

Sorry the demographics in your village have turned out so X chromosome heavy.

Perhaps start making friends with other mums?

LilacPeony · 27/06/2013 11:25

She should have made space for him.

Curleyhazel · 27/06/2013 11:25

Your neighbour is being ignorant and (hopefully unwittingly) mean.

Dd1 is totally into fairies and princesses and one of her best male friends loves to dress up too and they are having great fun playing together. Never would it occur to me to exclude him from a fairy party because he is a boy.

Your little boy would always be welcome anytime if we had a fairy themed party! .

Thisisaeuphemism · 27/06/2013 11:25

Shes not very nice, is she...

Original poster

stubbornstains · 27/06/2013 11:26

I genuinely thought she had some kind of issue with me, and it was meant as a deliberate slight- but no, she was as natural and friendly with me as she always is. She just genuinely seems to think that girls have girls' parties, and boys have boys' parties (even though the little girl's brothers are going to be there too, obviously). WTAF ?

OP posts:

LilacPeony · 27/06/2013 11:28

How many are in the preschool out of interest? I'm guessing it must be quite small if your son is the only boy. Could you just tell her that your son is sad not to be invited to the fairy party as he loves fairies.

Original poster

stubbornstains · 27/06/2013 11:33

Oh no, is that really true DIY? I had all these fantasies about gender not really mattering, and it being irrelevant that he was destined for a class full of girls.... I was leaning heavily towards him going to the village school- no driving needed, he'd be able to form lots of friendships within walking distance, we'd be firmly rooted in the community... again.

Thisisaeuphemism I am VERY tempted to say that I can't take her DD to school because I can't bear having to see her forced to play with a horrid, smelly boy (in reality, they get along famously).

I think I would be wiser to think of a nice, bland, PA excuse for why we can't take her- can anybody help me think of one?

OP posts:

MummytoKatie · 27/06/2013 11:34

She's a bit thick! If someone was looking after my child once a week for free I'd be inviting their child to parties unless he was a fully convicted arsonist and the party was in a wooden hut! Actually I'd still invite him to the hut and just put a friend on stand-by with the fire extinguisher!

I think just make other friends - most people want their kids to have mixed sex friendships at this age (if they even think about it) so will be keen to invite your boy along.

DIYapprentice · 27/06/2013 11:39

Sorry stubborn - but get ready for the inevitable 'X [activity] is just for boys, girls are not allowed/able to do it'. (Met with a reaction from me.)

In Reception I noticed that the majority of the boys spent far more time outside playing and the majority of the girls spent far more time inside playing.

If your DS is surrounded by girls only, you will never find out what he would naturally do on his own, because he his activities will be curtailed by the fact that he is surrounded by girls.

Took DS2 in for his settling in session, and saw a lot of the boys (including DS1) running around in a terrifyingly dangerous manner, and none of the girls joining in.

I tried not to look worried.....

Turniptwirl · 27/06/2013 11:41

I hope it's just thoughtlessness but I feel bad for you and DS. I could understand girls only if the little girl never played with boys (but she comes to your house and plays with your ds) or if there were a large number if kids and reducing it by a half made it easier. But to exclude one child is just mean!

At this age their gender matters about as much as hair colour and you wouldn't dream of excluding the only blonde child because it was a "brunettes only" party!

I would definitely mention that your son wouldve loved the theme and remind the mum that as your son is the only boy she's effectively inviting all the children except him

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 27/06/2013 11:46

How bloody awful OP. I relate because my 5 year old dd has always had lots of boy friends and her best friend is a boy....they love one another dearly and this year, her other make friend had a "Monsters and Superheros" party to which only boys were invited. As if only boys can be frigging heroes.

I plan to get my own back next year with a party of our own which will be boys and girls and will have a theme of "Gender Bending Heroes" or some such nonsense. "Come as David Bowie!" I'll breezily suggest to the confused parents...

KirjavaTheCat · 27/06/2013 11:48

Surely you'd just adapt the theme, like an elf and fairy party, and invite the one boy that is in the group?

That's exactly what I'd do. How bloody mean can you get.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 27/06/2013 11:48

Can I suggest that you arrange a Fairy Folk Picnic or similar? For your boy and some of his friends? In a couple of weeks when the party is over...it will do something towards letting other parents know that your DS can be included....you could have a fairy treasure hunt...fairy games...the real fairies could have hidden prizes!

Original poster

stubbornstains · 27/06/2013 11:53

Lilac- not all of the kids from preschool are invited, but for example the little girl we had the joint party with is, even though they don't play together out of school.

DIY I have noticed differences in how the sexes play, definitely. DS definitely loves running around in a terrifyingly dangerous manner! There are no boys of his age at preschool, but there are some older ones, and he often seems to be charging around with them. I first noticed the difference at playgroup, where you would get a group of 2 or 3 girls huddled in a corner, intent on some small, focussed make believe activity, while DS would be pedalling round and round them on a trike, really looking as if he wanted to be included. It's one of the reasons I felt he's outgrown playgroup.

But I still feel that the things that unite small children of either gender are far greater than the things that divide them, IYSWIM. For example, we have been to parties before where DS is the only boy, and he has had a grand time doing what the girls are doing- in other words, running around, playing games and eating cake .

I also feel that encouraging the sexes to play together is pretty healthy- I fondly like to imagine that this would minimise the annoying gender differences (which I would say in the case of little boys are a tendency to bang bash wallop destroy, and in the case of little girls a tendency to cliquiness and politics- "You're my friend/ You're not my friend" etc.).

OP posts:

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