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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be worried DS is destined for social pariah-hood because he's a boy?

79 replies

stubbornstains · 27/06/2013 11:07

DS is 3.5. In our village and the next one, at the childminder's, at playgroup and now at pre school, he has been and still is the only boy. I honestly thought this would never be a problem- I'm an ardent feminist, and had lovely visions of him enjoying creative ungendered play with lots of active little dungareed girls, which would set him up for life as a sensitive, aware male .

6 months ago he had a joint birthday party with one of his (female) little friends. Among the invitees was our closest neighbour with kids and her little girl. I welcomed the little girl's older brothers along too, because...well, it's a nice thing to do- the mum is a LP (like me), and it would be less hassle for her.

Fast forward 6 months, and once a week the little girl in question comes over to ours early in the morning, plays with DS and we take her to preschool (mum has something to do that morning). Occasionally DS is taken home and plays with them when I've got something on.

It's the little girl's birthday this weekend. They're having a "fairy party". DS is not invited. Apparently it's "girls only". Ironically, DS's favourite dressing up outfit at the moment is a fairy dress!

Is this what he (and I) have to look forward to all through pre school and primary school? Being constantly excluded from playdates and parties, and by extension a lot of social occasions, because he's not a girl?

I just feel like moving this morning, I really do. I also feel like telling this mum I'm no longer willing to take her daughter to pre school every week.

OP posts:

WafflyVersatile · 27/06/2013 15:26

It's possible she's asked her daughter who she wants to invite and he hasn't made the cut for some reason and him being a boy gives a handy excuse. Maybe of course because her DD thinks fairies are for girls only...

I'm not sure it's fair to put pressure on them about this party as it's entirely their choice who to invite and you can't be sure what the 'actual' reason is.

I think the fairy picnic sounds like a fab idea.

gendered attitudes start long before this age. When they have done experiments where they've observed people playing with babies, how they have played with them has differed depending on whether the baby was wearing pink or blue, regardless of the actual sex of the baby which was kept from the adults. There are lots and lots of ways that children get the message that boys do this and girls do this.

yamsareyammy · 27/06/2013 15:38

In my limited experience, the problem may go on for a few years.
Even if another boy turns up, they may not get on much for whatever reason.
Also, some wont even begin for the reason you are speaking of.
Also, a boy, or even two may start, and not stay long.

It may work out all right eventually ?
I just wouldnt hold your breath.

Original poster

stubbornstains · 27/06/2013 16:27

OK, well I've just messaged her and told her we won't be able to take her DD to preschool anymore. I didn't give a reason- least said, soonest mended I think. We'll still have to be civil to each other for the next however many years. It's just all a bit sad really .

The bigger issue, the question of school and the gender balance, is going to take a lot more thinking and research.

OP posts:

Original poster

stubbornstains · 27/06/2013 16:29

ChippingIn I have a horrible suspicion she just wouldn't get it. This is someone, after all, who still goes and cleans her ex's house because he "wouldn't manage otherwise"

OP posts:

jollygoose · 27/06/2013 16:34

very sad for him but I think you should tell her - perhaps she thinks he wouldnt wan t to come to a fairy party being a boy. If she then dosent say of course he must come you know exactly what to do I hope.

livinginwonderland · 27/06/2013 17:01

Our school had six boys in our year compared to about sixteen girls (tiny school) up until we left age 11. The year above us had six people in the entire year!

It was all fine, the year group was so small that everyone got invited to everything and a lot of people had combined year parties.

Original poster

stubbornstains · 27/06/2013 17:06

There is another school quite close to us that is very like that wonderland- I was deciding against it, but given recent events I might have to have a rethink. OPen days are September-ish, aren't they?

OP posts:

MummytoKatie · 27/06/2013 17:08

stubborn Dd went to a "fairies and woodland creatures" party. I didn't give her a choice as to which she was. She was a fairy (wearing her baby ballet dress and carrying the wand she already owns). At a princess and pirates party she would be a princess (wearing her BB dress.)

Trying to think of a dress up example where I wouldn't stick her in her BB dress....

Maybe I'm just lazy!

Curleyhazel · 27/06/2013 17:08

DIY apprentice, that is such a shame isn't it? Dd loves running around and exploring the outdoors, fixing and building things, playing pirates etc. AS WELL AS wanting to "be a princess when I grow up".

I would find it so sad if she just sat indoors 'because she is girl' i mean wtf? It's so depressing when people apply these flipping boring gender stereotypes to preschool children aargh! The other day I overheard a mum saying to her little boy "oh 'x' I'm sure you can fix this Lego castle because YOU ARE ARE A BOY". My dd stood right next to them and I couldn't believe that in 2013 girls still have to be exposed to such nonsense.

It reminded me of my old math teacher who openly declared that girls were not suited to do maths. Well I sadly absolutely didn't get the hang of advanced maths but the pupil who was best in math class was actually a girl .

stickortwist · 27/06/2013 17:12

You need to move to our village. There are 8 ish girls in the school ( very small school but still!). The good thing is that the girls get stuck in with the boys, our football and cricket teams have girls on, and actually ds2 bestfriend is a girl.
Next yr it looks like the intake is mainly female so maybe it will swing back the other way.

Original poster

stubbornstains · 27/06/2013 17:49

Mmmm stick, that's kind of what I hoped would happen if DS was in a class w/ mostly girls- he'd get stuck in with the girls etc.etc., but recent events have shaken my faith in that happening...

OP posts:

Boomba · 27/06/2013 17:58

In your situation, I would assume that the little girl doesn't like your son and didn't want to invite him to her party; and that 'its a girls party' is just less confrontational for the mum.

It is not my experience at all that they seperate into genders in preschool....that doesn't really happen until approaching key stage 2

plieadianpony · 27/06/2013 18:01

Fuck her poor you. what a horrible thoughtless lady. Yes I would feel just like you and would probably tell her you can't do the school run. possibly two minutes before she is due to drop dd of

stickortwist · 27/06/2013 18:02

Have you spoken to her about it(the mum i mean). She might assume that he wouldnt want to go.
Fwiw i always get a bit sad when my children dont get invited to parties...but try to hide it. Ds1 recently didnt get invited to a party but he didnt mind as he " doesnt really play with him anyway" i apprecate not the same situation as you but sometimes you need to remember not alwaya a bit deal to miss put on an invite

harryhausen · 27/06/2013 18:12

Hmmm 'girls sit indoors and don't tend play around outside'?

Some people have had experience of done very odd girl in my opinion.

I have a boy and a girl. Neither have 'conformed' to gender stereotyping yet ( nearly 9 dd and 6 ds) although ds has just got obsessively into Star Wars....dd is obsessively into Dr Who and Horrible Histories.

To be honest, the worst gender stereotyping I've witnessed is on MN.

OP, I really feel for your boy. Shame on the mum for leaving him out, however as they grow you'll grow a thicker skin to parties. My ds just turned 6. I asked him who he wanted to invite (12 names) and he just reeled off who came into his head. Some friends he likes didnt get an invite. He hasn't gone to many other parties of relatively good friends. To be honest, you get to a point where you're a bit relieved

Minty82 · 27/06/2013 18:31

stubborn - I'd be inclined to agree with you re parental input into fancy dress choices if I didn't have an exact counter-example in the form of my own 7th birthday party! The theme was also pirates and princesses, and everyone dressed predictably according to gender, except for my three-year-old sister who insisted on being a pirate. She was actually extremely girly as a small child; far more pink and sparkly than I was, but she must have been feeling particularly piratical that day!

Original poster

stubbornstains · 27/06/2013 18:36

Aaaaaarrrrrrrr!

OP posts:

cassgate · 27/06/2013 18:56

How sad this is. Slightly off topic but my ds recently had a party. We invited 9 boys and 9 girls.Our school is the type where the girls parents seem to look down on the boys because they are boistrous. Not one of the girls came. The first to decline was queen bee mum and one by one the rest followed. It back fired on them though because we had the most amazing entertainer who was the talk of the school the following day. Some of the girls said to ds that they wished they had come after all once they heard how great it had been.

paddyclampo · 27/06/2013 19:17

Isn't there a chance that all of this is some sort of unfortunate misunderstanding? Like others have said, maybe she actually believes that your DS wouldn't be interested in the fairy party? I'd be tempted to contact this mum and tell her exactly what's upsetting you - she might be completely mortified. It's a shame to fall out with someone over a misunderstanding

Original poster

stubbornstains · 27/06/2013 19:54

stick and paddy No, she made it very clear it was "no boys allowed".

So, I've politely told her we can't take her DD to preschool any more, and she's politely responded, thanking me for the times we have taken her. And there it rests (except that I've just messaged another friend who lives much further away, begging pleeeaaaaase to set up a play date with her little boy).

OP posts:

Boomba · 27/06/2013 20:01

I also think its a bit daft to fall out over this, without having a proper conversation about it

ALSO...

Think you shouldn't take children's party invites so personally. Or you are headed for hard times

attheendoftheday · 27/06/2013 20:08

This thread is worrying me - dd1 will be in a class of 5 when she starts school, with only one other girl. Like the op I'd just assumed they'd have to get along and play with each other.

Boomba · 27/06/2013 20:18

Hmm....seems there is a plus side to over subscribed inner city schools, with 2 heaving classes of 30 for each year

BarbarianMum · 27/06/2013 20:21

Well, attheendoftheday they might - it will depend on the personalities of the children involved. And your dd may become good friends with children in other years (v common in v small schools). But tbh it's good to be at least aware that it could be a problem.

Mumsyblouse · 27/06/2013 20:21

atthe don't assume they won't get on but equally they might not, I really think a choice of one friend isn't very many. But if you want her to go to this school, then try it but be prepared that the friend thing might be an issue- on the other hand they may get on brilliantly and be best friends for years. You can't tell but if there's a small pool of potential friends, it can be difficult to find like minds.

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