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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be worried DS is destined for social pariah-hood because he's a boy?

79 replies

stubbornstains · 27/06/2013 11:07

DS is 3.5. In our village and the next one, at the childminder's, at playgroup and now at pre school, he has been and still is the only boy. I honestly thought this would never be a problem- I'm an ardent feminist, and had lovely visions of him enjoying creative ungendered play with lots of active little dungareed girls, which would set him up for life as a sensitive, aware male .

6 months ago he had a joint birthday party with one of his (female) little friends. Among the invitees was our closest neighbour with kids and her little girl. I welcomed the little girl's older brothers along too, because...well, it's a nice thing to do- the mum is a LP (like me), and it would be less hassle for her.

Fast forward 6 months, and once a week the little girl in question comes over to ours early in the morning, plays with DS and we take her to preschool (mum has something to do that morning). Occasionally DS is taken home and plays with them when I've got something on.

It's the little girl's birthday this weekend. They're having a "fairy party". DS is not invited. Apparently it's "girls only". Ironically, DS's favourite dressing up outfit at the moment is a fairy dress!

Is this what he (and I) have to look forward to all through pre school and primary school? Being constantly excluded from playdates and parties, and by extension a lot of social occasions, because he's not a girl?

I just feel like moving this morning, I really do. I also feel like telling this mum I'm no longer willing to take her daughter to pre school every week.

OP posts:

Thisisaeuphemism · 27/06/2013 11:53

That's a good idea to hold a tea party in the summer with no gender discrimination. That'll learn her!

Dd insisted on a princess party- bleurgh - I wrote on invites princesses, princes and all fancy dress especially welcome (yeah a bit wordy) but so all her mates came happily.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 27/06/2013 11:54

I think the girl/boy divide depends very much on the type of parents you have and it can go either way.

DS1 is in reception, he plays with boys and girls and the vast majority of the parties he has been to have been a mixed group.

I am friendly with a Mum whose DC goes to the other primary in our catchment. She said that none of the girls and boys play together. Parties are all single sex and that the 'mums of girls' don't talk to the 'mums of boys' in the playground. It sounds horrendous and I am sooo glad that we didn't choose that school.

I think the problem is that if you have parents who see the gender divide rather than ignoring it then you are always going to have it there. OP in your situation I would think very, very carefully before sending him to your village school if he would be one of only a very few boys in his class.
Not just because of the social side, but boys and girls play and behave very differently at reception/year 1 age - as a general rule. There is a strong likelihood that the girls behaviour will be perceived as the norm, and the boys being somewhat more boisterous will be perceived as naughty/badly behaved.

CheeseStrawWars · 27/06/2013 11:54

Move, seriously. I mean it.

I was the only girl of my age growing up in a village. It was so lonely. At secondary school, there were other girls but they lived in other villages, and they all knew each other from primary school and had loads of shared history. Of course I made friends, but I was always on the edge/feeling left out as they had their social life at their local park or whatever, which I was excluded from due to proximity.

I would move now, if you possibly can, while your boy is small.

Original poster

stubbornstains · 27/06/2013 12:00

I think the girl/boy divide depends very much on the type of parents you have and it can go either way.

I have strong suspicions that this is the case, based on observation.

When we organised DS and his friend's birthday party, his female friend's DF actually suggested the theme of pirates. Great, I thought. Why not? Then, mysteriously, the theme became "Pirates and princesses". Oh well, why not? On the day, ALL the little girls came dressed as princesses, except for the girl whose mum hates gender stereotyping and always dresses her in T shirts and trousers....she came as a pirate .

Now, when you're talking about a bunch of 3 year olds, who exactly is it who decides whether they're a pirate or a princess??

OP posts:

fuzzywuzzy · 27/06/2013 12:03

FGS, I've always adapted parties to include my nephew (he's the only boy amongst girls) early on he enojoyed everything the girls did, now he wants to sit and play on his iPad all day as do the girls incidentally.

Don't be so accomodating for this mother and schools runs from now. Just say I think DS needs some boy time, too girly to include her DD in your school run for the next week or so....

She's being really mean.

BarbarianMum · 27/06/2013 12:09

What a cow! Ds2 is in reception and has been the only boy at 3 parties this year - he doesn't care and nor do his hosts. They've invited him because he's friends with the birthday child.

As for themes the Hello Kitty plus Spiderman party was slightly odd, esp. as spiderman chose to have his face painted as a cat too.

OP there will be other boys when he goes to school, yeah? Cause each gender does need company of its own kind, or at least the option of it, as they get older.

Original poster

stubbornstains · 27/06/2013 12:10

I don't even think a party would necessarily need adapting fuzzy. The last party we went to (all girls), the mum actually apologised for handing DS a "girly" party bag- it had a pink pen, heart stickers, a butterfly notebook...

He loved them.

OP posts:

fuzzywuzzy · 27/06/2013 12:12

I just caleld the dressing up parties, dressing up parties, and not princess/fairies/whatevah. My nephew used to love the fairy/butterfly dress up wings when he was little.

I can't get over how mean this mother is, she takes advantage of OP's kindness on a daily basis, her child plays with and likes OP's son and yet he is not invited to her party!

Original poster

stubbornstains · 27/06/2013 12:12

On the strength of this thread, I'm planning a bit of espionage to find out if there actually will be any other boys at school in his year. We "get about" a bit though, and I certainly haven't met any...

OP posts:

InMySpareTime · 27/06/2013 12:22

We did a "Bob the Builder Fairy" party, everyone wore hard hats and fairy wings. DD chose the theme so all her friends could be included, whether they were boys or girls. YANBU, I agree with the fairy picnic in the summer suggestion, it'd be fun and get the message across gently.

LilacPeony · 27/06/2013 12:22

How many girls are there of his age at preschool? Just interested to know how girl heavy it is as my dd probably had about 20 of her age at preschool, but i'm guessing yours is smaller?

StealthPolarBear · 27/06/2013 12:28

DD will be having a pirate party for her 4th birthday. That said all her little friends of her age are girls (just how it seems to have worked out). So I'm guilty of one but not the other!

BarbarianMum · 27/06/2013 12:29

That's not espionage, that's a really serious concern. I have known quite a few families change school cause their child is in a year with very few of their own gender. Being the only boy (or girl) would be really grim. If there is one other boy then they'll always be lumped together and be expected to be friends, if 2 more then it could work, equally one could always be excluded.

Honestly, if there aren't at least going to be half a dozen boys in total I'd send him elsewhere.

It's fine for the sexes to play together of course, but it should be through choice not necessity.

Mumsyblouse · 27/06/2013 12:36

I think the problem with having only a few children of one sex (or even just the one) is that it works fine when they are little, and love nothing more than running around playing chase but from about 8 upwards, often the games and the type of friendships have changed. My dd2 is in a class with lots of boys (but still a few girls) and while she still loves playing with the boys best, some of the boys are starting to want to play all boy games, she gets invited to less boy's parties (even though we always do mixed ones) and invited over fewer times for tea etc. It's been better than I thought it might be, but there's at least one mum who, even though the children are really good friends, wouldn't dream of inviting my dd over, she likes other boys to come round and her boy to do very boyish things. This is not an uncommon attitude.

I would not put my dd in a school with her as the only girl in her year group for this reason, and wouldn't put a boy in for the same reason, although you could start there and see how it goes with the proviso of if it starts to become a problem, you move him.

Mumsyblouse · 27/06/2013 12:38

In fact, I agree with the poster who said less than about 6 children of the same gender is an issue- for me at least, my dd has about 7 other girls in her class and it's just not been enough to find another girl to gel with especially as the girls are in quite a tight clique due to parents being friends out of school. So, she has to have boy friends, which she loves herself, but the other parents don't love it quite as much!

DIYapprentice · 27/06/2013 12:42

Totally agree that anything less than 6 of any gender is an issue.

I would move my DS in a heartbeat if that happened. If you get a few children who just don't mix with other children for various reasons it makes it incredibly hard.

combinearvester · 27/06/2013 12:43

I wouldn't put mine in a school class with only a few boys. It has worked out quite badly for a boy I know and now Mum is moving him to another school. Basically their (inexperienced) reception teacher started off my stereotyping them e.g. doing spiderman based topics with them to try and get them involved when the boys didn't give a shit about spiderman.

Then they ended up being scapegoated, i.e. she expected their behaviour to be worse than the girls and so they seemed worse, louder / more active - naughtier. One of the boys then moved so their were only two and as they grew older they didn't have much in common.

FWIW my (male) children don't run around loads in a dangerous manner and never have. They don't do any of the stereotypical stuff. One of them doesn't like writing but neither do several of the girls.

I wish people would see small children as small children rather than pink/blue princess/pirate good/bad quiet/loud.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 27/06/2013 12:44

I moved my DD from a school full of boys....she was one of only two little girls and the other was a major tomboy unlike my DD who is a bit airy fairy. I wanted her to be with both boys and girls....I am glad she's making more girl friends now.

greencatseyes · 27/06/2013 12:48

What is Tree Fu Tom if not a fairy then anyways? ( my boys are happy to be in fairy costumes on occasion)

Original poster

stubbornstains · 27/06/2013 12:49

Thank you all for your input. You have reassured me that I'm not being oversensitive re: this woman, and have given me lots of food for thought about school choices.....

Now, must go and do some work.....Must turn computer off....

OP posts:

bleedingheart · 27/06/2013 12:52

It's so pathetic not to invite him to this party. I feel so sad for him.

My DS has always been closer to girls than boys. He has been invited to girls' parties (often the only boy) but he has also been informally excluded from princess and fairy parties. The parents, I assume, think he wouldn't be interested but he would go with it. We are left with the situation where he isn't invited to the party of one of his closest friends but a girl she doesn't even play with is, because of gender!

DS doesn't play with many boys either so doesn't get invited to their parties. My heart breaks for him.

harryhausen · 27/06/2013 12:53

My dd would hated a fairy party or a princess party come to think of it. She never has been into anything remotely 'girlie'. At that age she would have much rather had a pirate party, or a knights and dragons party. Def no gender discrimination.

She has a very mixed group in our school (large primary school). She plays really well with girls and boys and she's nearly 9 now.

My DS is in a class of 31 where there are 22 boys. It's chaos! Cudos to the little girls in the class. They're great girls and no shrinking violets.

I'm astonished he is the only boy. I would seriously consider another school too. I even considered it because there were so many boys in my ds's class. Y1 has been tricky.

StealthPolarBear · 27/06/2013 12:54

Oh no, ds has only 4 other boys in his year (combined classes till y6 though). Starting to worry reading this.

Sianilaa · 27/06/2013 13:04

YADNBU. My almost-4 year old DS would LOVE a party like that and would be devastated if he knew he was the only one not going. He's the first one to don a pink princess dress or fairy wings and he can be very stereotypically "boyish". It drives me mad when people do only boys or only girls parties (which sadly seem to be quite common). I've always invited an equal mix, it's not nice of her to have excluded your son purely because of his gender.

I'd be sorely tempted to say boys only on the school run from now on...

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee · 27/06/2013 15:09

I know you have spoken to her briefly about it - but I think you need to have a proper discussion with her. At least then she can make a fully informed decision about this (taking on board the long term impact on DS) and YOU can then make a decision about being used for childcare your friendship.

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