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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that dp should get his dd to school even though she refuses

91 replies

holstenlips · 26/06/2013 20:22

Background : my dp lives alone, his dd 13 lives nearby with her mum. Shes refusing to go to school.
Mum is off sick from work so they are just staying at home.
Dp has had to take unpaid leave to try to sort out whats happening. I think he should exert some authority and get her to school. So far she has counselling at school , other measures to help referral to camhs etc
She is fine at weekends and if she gets what she wants money wise etc. There is no bullying she has friends and is/was doing well at school.
Am I being heartless? I went through a patch like this at the same age and my dad made me go. He took me and I went.
Maybe I should butt out . But its frustrating me that noone hss actually took her in hand. Theyve only phoned school for a chat.
I have a teenager and know they are challenging.
But still. Get her to school ?!

OP posts:
abitlikemollflanders · 26/06/2013 20:23

MYOB

LaurieFairyCake · 26/06/2013 20:24

Yes he should and I would think less of, and not be involved with someone who wouldn't.

Unless she's got issues obviously. If its just 'cant be arsed' then he should

LaurieFairyCake · 26/06/2013 20:25

Posted too soon.

But it's not your business at all - and you don't have to be with someone who's a crap parent if you don't want to be

Purple2012 · 26/06/2013 20:27

Saying myob isn't helpful. I agree with op. She should be made to go to school. School isn't optional.

Original poster
holstenlips · 26/06/2013 20:28

Thank you. Food for thought. I have got too involved because he keeps asking me what should he do? My advice: get her to school. Be authoritative. Maybe then I should butt right out.

OP posts:
Original poster
holstenlips · 26/06/2013 20:28

Perhaps myob is her mum.

OP posts:
Original poster
holstenlips · 26/06/2013 20:30

Im thinking for her own sake school isnt optional as you say purple. She is crying out for boundaries and security and someone strong behind her imo.

OP posts:
Original poster
holstenlips · 26/06/2013 20:31

I was that child who tantrummed and paddied her way with no boundaries ..it was scary!!

OP posts:
abitlikemollflanders · 26/06/2013 20:37

he is your boyfriend;you don't live with him. You are not the child's stepmother. This is a situation for the parents to deal with.

This is a delicate situation and the school, CHAMS and other agencies will be closely monitoring and supporting the situation. It does not need anyone barging in and basically saying sort yourself out and go to school to a troubled girl! How would anyone have reacted to dad,s girlfriend doing that to them as a teen!? Which is why I said MYOB.
It is en timely probable that you are not in full receipt of all the facts.

Your only role in this situation is to support your boyfriend as necessary.

Purple2012 · 26/06/2013 20:38

I have a 16 yr old SD. When I met my husband she was 11. She was not a nice child - even her grandmother didn't want to be around her. She was rude/cheeky, got away with everything. Did exactly as she wanted and her poor performance at school was always someone else's fault. Luckily my DH and his XW were happy for me to be involved in discipline.

She is now a different child. Her school grades have rocketed, she is mostly polite and thoughtful, although we still have a few normal teenage issues. She has thrived on boundaries and discipline and she considers me as her 2nd mum. She knows there are consequences to her behavior and that I follow through with punishment.

The ops DP isn't doing his daughter any favours.

abitlikemollflanders · 26/06/2013 20:41

Sometimes the absolute worst thing to do in a situation like this is to 'just get her to school'. the issues around her non attendance must be explored fully-by the correct people. honestly, the school and EWO will be monitoring the situation heavily.

perhaps if her dad wants to do anything, he should set up a meeting with the EWO rather than wading in being 'authoritative'!!

Sirzy · 26/06/2013 20:41

So far she has counselling at school , other measures to help referral to camhs etc

This bit says to me it is far more complicated than a child not wanting to go to school and as such normal tactics of "just get her there" aren't necessarily going to help anything and could make things worse.

I think as long as the parentS are being proactive in trying to help the daughter with the ultimate aim of getting her back to school that is more important at the moment than forcing her in every day

Tooearlyintheday · 26/06/2013 20:46

Take nothing to do it with it. Honestly. And I'm speaking as a residential SM who has no choice but to deal with discipline etc of all the kids in my house! If you can avoid having to take anything to do with the discipline of your partner's child then do, it will make your life so much easier and your relationship with the child will be much better for it. She won't thank you for interfering especially if it's obvious that her DF is acting on your advice.

However I agree that your DP should be doing all he can to get his child to go to school and the fact that he doesn't seem to know to do that is worrying. Is he normally quite an ineffectual parent?

VigourMortis · 26/06/2013 20:48

Purple Well done on your SD. I too took in a 12 year old child, who was actually my DP's nephew but an orphan. Rude, rebellious and out of school for 3 months - he buckled to our rules happily and is now getting A* for his mocks.

I absolutely recognise what holstenlips says, a childhood without boundaries is very frightening.

DN's school refusing started when he had a slight upset with a couple of friends and didn't want to go in. His granny, who he lived with then, gave him the day off.Then the next day. He was allowed to play his computer games and stay up late, so he was never awake when it was time to go to school. I intervened, and I was just his uncle's girlfriend. I went into the school and when it was clear granny would never make it happen, we brought him to live with us.

Do everything you can. She needs someone in her life who is clear-sighted.

VigourMortis · 26/06/2013 20:52

When DN didn't manage to get back to school, the failure to confront what was happening in his life caused huge damage to his self-esteem and confidence that we are really only recovering from now.

The fact that CAHMS are involved means little, surely that would just be triggered by the absence.

hellsbellsmelons · 26/06/2013 20:55

My DD hates school as well.
I've told her in no uncertain terms, if she bunks off, I'll take her myself and hold her hand and skip into school in front of everyone and take her straight to head teacher if necessary.
I still have to wait and see what happens.

Tooearlyintheday · 26/06/2013 20:55

Vigour I have huge respect for what you've done for your DN but in the OPs scenario the child has two parents already and I can't imagine that anyone would appreciate Dad's partner wading in.

Original poster
holstenlips · 26/06/2013 20:55

I promise ive not said a word to his dd or her mum. Only given dp my opinion which is basically step up, be there, go to school with or without her. She is rude and everyone treads very carefully around her..this to me is so wrong..she must be scared having this much influence over the whole family..gps etc.
She talks down to her dad all the time. Only likes him when he has money for her . I will butt out but its so frustrating. Dp has spent 2 days now this week ( and the weeks prior) off work unpaid just waiting in his house ...for what I dont know.
I told her once no need to be rude and a tumblweed rolled across the room...noone breathed.
So yes imo he is ineffectual really. She drops a cup he picks it up. She leaves her knickers on the table. He picks them up. She refuses school she stays at home. . Its not good for her is it??

OP posts:
Original poster
holstenlips · 26/06/2013 20:58

I dont know much about her mums coping strategies but she does scream and throw herself on the floor.
Tbh im not sure I can restrain myself from intervening but if I do I will be the baddie.

OP posts:
abitlikemollflanders · 26/06/2013 20:58

The fact that CAHMS are involved mean that a multi agency approach will be going on with a view to getting the child back to school as quickly as possible by dealing with the issues that are causing the non attendance so that a few weeks down the line full scale regression doesn't occur. t

Non attendance is an issue that is taken seriously nowadays and she won't be just left at home with mum until she feels like returning which is what the op seems to think will happen without her on hand to help. !

Tooearlyintheday · 26/06/2013 21:01

It's definitely not good for her but as frustrating as it is it may not be your "problem" to solve. Not an ideal choice of words but I'm years into the step-parenting journey and honestly if I could have found a way to enjoy my DSC without having to actively parent them I think my life would've been much nicer. It wasn't possible for me as they always lived with my DH and we have other DC so we've had to settle down into "traditional" family roles and it's great now but it was hard for a number of years.

abitlikemollflanders · 26/06/2013 21:02

Cross post . there is nothing wrong with giving your opinion to your DP-obviously! I was under the impression you were thinking about dealing with the issue yourself. I would definitely restrain yourself from intervening.

Out of interest, have her mum and dad been split for long?

Original poster
holstenlips · 26/06/2013 21:06

Theyve been split since she was a baby. It was messy. I understand that dd has issues and anger etc as well as low self esteem. I think more should be done by her parents. They both seem to sit back and let her run the world.

OP posts:
Original poster
holstenlips · 26/06/2013 21:08

She saw a psychologist recently and they said its not a psychiatric issue

OP posts:
LondonBus · 26/06/2013 21:09

OP, first you say; "I went through a patch like this at the same age and my dad made me go. He took me and I went."

You then say; "I was that child who tantrummed and paddied her way with no boundaries ..it was scary!!"

So far she has counselling at school , other measures to help referral to camhs etc There is more to this than school refusal.

OP, do you think your DP should pick up this 13yo, carry her into school, and run after her when she runs out?

Until you have dealt with a school refuser it is very easy to think it's a simple thing to deal with. Maybe you should step in and sort this out...it takes a village and all that....

And while school absence is taken seriously, what schools actually do to ensure DC attend is usually limited, and left to the parents.