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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that dp should get his dd to school even though she refuses

91 replies

holstenlips · 26/06/2013 20:22

Background : my dp lives alone, his dd 13 lives nearby with her mum. Shes refusing to go to school.
Mum is off sick from work so they are just staying at home.
Dp has had to take unpaid leave to try to sort out whats happening. I think he should exert some authority and get her to school. So far she has counselling at school , other measures to help referral to camhs etc
She is fine at weekends and if she gets what she wants money wise etc. There is no bullying she has friends and is/was doing well at school.
Am I being heartless? I went through a patch like this at the same age and my dad made me go. He took me and I went.
Maybe I should butt out . But its frustrating me that noone hss actually took her in hand. Theyve only phoned school for a chat.
I have a teenager and know they are challenging.
But still. Get her to school ?!

OP posts:
JustinBsMum · 27/06/2013 07:55

I would try best to get her to school. Once you have a day off school you are out of the gossip, clique, gang, your work is poor as you are missing lumps of it, your pals will have moved on and found someone else to hang out with. You won't know who's going out with who, who fancies who?
Then when you are out of the loop with classmates you might be lonely, more likely to be picked on, the stuff you've missed will most likely never be covered again so you have a disadvantage at exam time.
Especially towards the end of the school year everyone gets a bit tetchy so more likely to be fall outs. But if you end the year not being part of the gang, discussing and making arrangements for the holidays you are probably less happy about going back in the autumn. Vicious circle imo.

VigourMortis · 27/06/2013 07:58

Holsten i don't know where you're based but there are some very good resources for parents of teenagers where you could direct your DP. Sometimes men people need to get advice from an external source. WHen I was in this situation, the adult involved (in this case his grandmother, but really his mother as she had him almost from birth) was overwhelmed and only too glad to get help.

It may be that by this point the reason she didn't want to go to school is irrelevant - the longer they stay off the harder it is to go back.

loveliesbleeding1 · 27/06/2013 08:13

Julia thank you , in the process of finding a smaller school at the moment, most of them seem to be for behavioural problems which my dd doesn't have, she was such a confident girl and this came from nowhere, it can hapoen to anyone , I am so pleased you have a solution that, gives me hope thank you x

loveliesbleeding1 · 27/06/2013 08:18

Op there is hope, it is hard if you haven't dealt with it befor, our other two dc never had any problems with school all you can do is support your dp he will be suffering too believe me, its horrible for him hope you understand a bit more about it now, best of luckx

MammaTJ · 27/06/2013 09:09

Unless she's got issues obviously

She does have issues, she has a referal to CAMHS.

Poor girl needs understanding and support, not dragging in to school. Your DP needs understanding and support so he can give her that.

YABU!

SDeuchars · 27/06/2013 09:35

Parents dealing with school refusal may want to consider home education (and there are lots of helpful people on the Home ed board). Many people have found that removing school from the equation (at least for a while) enables the DC to calm down and deal with any other issues.

xylem8 · 27/06/2013 09:45

so whar are you suggesting.Your dp manhandles her and physically drags he kicking and screaming into school? Hmm

loveliesbleeding1 · 27/06/2013 10:21

There are some lovely understanding people on here xxx

Original poster
holstenlips · 27/06/2013 11:41

Camhs referral was made but she was seen by someone who said she is not an urgent case? As she is not mentally unwell. DP not talking to me now anyway

OP posts:
shewhowines · 27/06/2013 12:15

If it is not a psychiatric issue then YANBU.

If there are other mental health issues then you could be doing more harm than help, by forcing them to go.

I agree with you regards boundaries. She needs rules and consequences if she doesn't gp.

loveliesbleeding1 · 27/06/2013 12:42

My dd wasn't an urgent case either, in my letter from ewo an urgent case means the child has to have been violent, done something illegal, be from the travelling community or be in danger at home, if none of these apply then you are on your own (the ewo didnt say the last bit, thats just how I feel).I hope you and your dp can sort this out, hubby and I been together 21 yrs and it has put tremendous strain on us xx

Ghostsgowoooh · 27/06/2013 13:06

Hmmm I have a school refuser at times but he has autism and gets anxious at times and plays up.

I have deliberately kept him off the last two days as his friend was threatened with a knife that was brought into school by a charming year 9 boy and the whole school has had searches and routine disruption and that would upset ds.

DEliberate bunking off is a no no. He did go through a stage in his old school where he was hanging around with an older lad and were caught. He lost his xbox over that and wad grounded for two weeks.

Original poster
holstenlips · 27/06/2013 13:53

Shes not gone to school again and dp has not gone to work .

OP posts:
Original poster
holstenlips · 27/06/2013 14:11

Dps parents called me to ask whats happening. They are worried too. So ive handed it over to them. Thanks everyone for your contributions x

OP posts:
loveliesbleeding1 · 27/06/2013 14:47

I will just say hubby has never taken time off , best of luck , dont blame you handing over x

claraschu · 27/06/2013 14:54

You can't drag a child to school, if she absolutely refuses. At this age that would be horribly damaging. Sorting this out could be very complicated.

JuliaScurr · 27/06/2013 15:16

www.youngminds.org.uk/
have I already posted this?
they were v helpful

Original poster
holstenlips · 27/06/2013 16:04

Thanks julia and Clara. At the very least I think dp should go to the school. He hasnt and dds mum hasnt anyway the gps have been and sorted out an appt at school tomorrow

OP posts:
LondonBus · 27/06/2013 18:23

JuliaScurr We have a similar story. I agree with everything you've said, especially never force a child into a position causing them anxiety, always give a safe escape route.

For us home ed wasn't an option. Even though I wasn't working when DS was school refusing, I knew I didn't have the ability long term to educate him to an appropriate level (one disadvantage of having a child who is more intelligent than you!). I knew he had to go to school if he was to eventually function successfully in society. We changed school, found a smaller, very caring school, and told him he had to go, come rain or shine every day. It hasn't been plain sailing since, and there have been odd days where he's needed a day off, but generally the "you will go whether you like it or not" worked, once we knew he was in an understanding environment where they would work around his needs.

We have apologised for not listening to him when he school refused. The biggest regret in my life is not listening to him, and forcing him back into an environment which was damaging.

cory · 27/06/2013 20:51

2rebecca Wed 26-Jun-13 22:41:50
"My kids would never have given the option of school refusal. Kids I know who have school refused have very passive parents. "

I thought my dd didn't have the option either. Until she took the option that was always open to her...

If her jump had landed her a few inches to the right or if the first pills she laid hands on had been (as she thought) the most dangerous ones, then my splendid parental firmness wouldn't matter because I wouldn't have a daughter to exercise it on Sad

If someone suffers from genuine anxiety, then you can't punish them out of it: someone who would rather face death than their fears is hardly going to be deterred by a parent shouting at them. The situation can only be dealt with by helping them to make the fear manageable.

Poppyhat · 27/06/2013 21:50

I suffered from school phobia/school refusal ,I don't know if they are both the same thing or not,I think the symptoms are the same.
Londonbus * what I knew at the time,and what I could never have told anyone, was that I was very very afraid and anxious about my mum. Who suffered from depression.
I was terrified of something happening to her ,it was as if nothing would happen to her as long as I was with her.
I would get in to such a state in the morning waiting for the school bus,nobody could get me to go on it.
The minute the bus left(without me) i was a different girl,the relief that for that day I did not have to leave home.
People on the outside looking in would see a happy relaxed child and wonder why school was such a big issue.
But I dont think it was going to school that was the problem ,more that I couldn't leave my mum.
only nobody made that connection.and I was not going to admit that to anyone .

HollyBerryBush · 27/06/2013 22:15

Interesting thread, coming at this from a professional angle, having sat in on meetings with the EWO, HOY , Parent and child concerned.

Parent agrees child should go to school. EWO comes out with the stunning phrase "drag her in". Parent looks at HOY and says "And you will call SS if I lay a hand on my child wont you?", HOY agrees, parent asks EWO "have you got a better solution?"

cory · 27/06/2013 22:54

Love it, Holly!

How do you drag in a child who is bigger than you, anyway even if you could bribe SS to look the other way?

Original poster
holstenlips · 27/06/2013 23:40

Update: . Dd has agreed to go back to school. Shes put on fb that she will meet her friends before school. Shes cheerful and has been rude to her dad and has had him running around after her.
Shes not anxious at all. I suspect she will do all this again next week just as she has the past 3 weeks.

OP posts:
LongTimeLurking · 28/06/2013 06:25

I hated school for a variety of reasons and "school refused". I think this article sums it up quite well really: www.takingchildrenseriously.com/who_wouldnt_be_school_phobic

I find it quite disturbing the number of parents who genuinely believe forcing their kids to do something they hate and find traumatic is the right thing to do.

Also, some posters here clearly have no experience of having kinds that 'school refuse'. If your kids really do refuse to go then you are going to have to quit work if you intend to physically force them there every day.