to think that dp should get his dd to school even though she refuses

[holstenlips]

Background : my dp lives alone, his dd 13 lives nearby with her mum. Shes refusing to go to school.
Mum is off sick from work so they are just staying at home.
Dp has had to take unpaid leave to try to sort out whats happening. I think he should exert some authority and get her to school. So far she has counselling at school , other measures to help referral to camhs etc
She is fine at weekends and if she gets what she wants money wise etc. There is no bullying she has friends and is/was doing well at school.
Am I being heartless? I went through a patch like this at the same age and my dad made me go. He took me and I went.
Maybe I should butt out . But its frustrating me that noone hss actually took her in hand. Theyve only phoned school for a chat.
I have a teenager and know they are challenging.
But still. Get her to school ?!

that should read kids*

That's really good news holstenlips. I think that although it is necessary to be sensitive to what is going on in your child's head and investigate the problem to its root, to help and support them - there are some children who will push their boundaries and wrap their parents around their little finger. This in itself is a syndrome that requires help. SHe probably desperately longs to feel someone is in charge.

In our case, the school-refusing stopped when the child came to live with us, not because we forced him to go to school (we quickly realised this was a non-started) but because we took over his whole life, organised him from top to toe, talked up his potential and abilities and generally did everything we could to make him feel more confident and, more importantly, that he didn't have to worry about his life, it was all under control. That was just us though, I can't speak for what is going on in this young girl's life.

Vigour I think the same or similar applies to dd..shes very capable has lots of friends is not shy. She has gone to school today .

I would question why she hates school so much,and think about home educating.School isnt the only option and i dont think many people know that.

A lot of people talk about teens in such a horrible way but dont you remember what it was lie at that age?Maybe if school was more of an appealing choice then so many kids wouldnt bunk off or just refuse to go.

Holsten, regardless of what your boyfriend's daughter does or doesn't do, I think that this has brought an important issue to the fore: Do you think that you can handle being in a relationship with a man who has a DD with MH (non-urgent is not the same as non-existent) problems?

Good point Dione

Although whats bothering me more is not dd its dp and his very laid back parenting I have mh issues in my past so im well aware of those.
His dd needs imo strong supportive parenting which shes not getting. Imo .

holstenlips

to say that she is not anxious is silly you do not know this, and she may well be hiding it (teenagers do this very well).

I know of a child that would appear at school for a couple of days and then disappear for a couple of days. because they would become so anxious that they couldn't cope.

I would question why she hates school so much

Does she definitely hate school that much? School involves work and authority and discipline and many other things that may be classified as unwanted in the life of a typical, mardy teenager, especially one who doesn't have that much discipline at home (I'm only guessing here).

It is wise to investigate whether she is anxious, but it would also be wise to accept the possibility that she is not particularly, specifically anxious.

She may well be anxious re her mum . She went to school friday and was absolutely fine. She is on fb twitter instagram etc etc putting up pictures of herself and her new purchases from her days off.
I have decided I would not be a great stepmother for her though. And dp and I spent most of the day arguing about it.

Oh for God's sake. I appeared to be a rude lippy teenager. Completely confident with loads of friends. No one realised how seriously depressed I had been since I was eleven and no one realised I had been cutting my arms with razors until accidentally at 17. She needs a lot of love and patience as well as boundaries and whatever else.

I agree that education is important. If she is struggling with school in some form she could look at home ed or flexi schooling.

She is getting a lot of love and patience Bake. From her family friends the school etc. .
I havent seen her for 2 weeks so im not involved at all. Just observing and when dp needs me to im trying to support him. Anyway shes back at school well she was Friday. Her mum says she's happy. Dp says she was cheerful and rude (normal to him)

And...shes refused school today. Have spoken to dp about it and we are thinking what to do. Any pointers would be welcome. Her mum let her stay off as she had a sore wrist.

try Youngminds.org.uk
they were very helpful when my dd school-refused

Thanks will look now at website.