to think that dp should get his dd to school even though she refuses

[holstenlips]

Background : my dp lives alone, his dd 13 lives nearby with her mum. Shes refusing to go to school.
Mum is off sick from work so they are just staying at home.
Dp has had to take unpaid leave to try to sort out whats happening. I think he should exert some authority and get her to school. So far she has counselling at school , other measures to help referral to camhs etc
She is fine at weekends and if she gets what she wants money wise etc. There is no bullying she has friends and is/was doing well at school.
Am I being heartless? I went through a patch like this at the same age and my dad made me go. He took me and I went.
Maybe I should butt out . But its frustrating me that noone hss actually took her in hand. Theyve only phoned school for a chat.
I have a teenager and know they are challenging.
But still. Get her to school ?!

Thanks for all opinions. I had a sleepless night over this so its wearing on my mind...but yes I need to step back.

She saw a psychologist recently and they said its not a psychiatric issue

Eh? A psychologist would surely say if it were a psychological issue, or not.

Yes sorry london..my dad was 'brought in' to deal with me. It worked! I still hated school but achieved good results eventually.

The school counselling was agreed with dd but she never turns up to it. I think too that the school have limited power..its up to the parents of the child surely?

What they said was ..shes not depressed etc

So, what do you think is going on? She's just stroppy?

Some kids have a real fear of school, like some people have a fear of flying. Just trying to force them into school/a plane isn't the way forward. If she has friends, was doing well academically, why doesn't she want to go?

I have no idea except for to say that shes insecure with her parents but particularly her mum . Her mums at home and I think she wants to stay with her mum.

YANBU, and it's better that you talk about it on here, because something like this does have the potential to put a huge amount of tension in your relationship.

Of course she should go to school and be shown some boundaries, but you just aren't the person that can make that happen. It's her parents job.

This is one of the things that makes it so hard to be a step parent, you have to step back and keep your mouth shut when it comes to making the decisions, but when it all goes wrong you are expected to be completely supportive.

Clouds..dp and I are not going to get anywhere with this :-( I fear .

One of the reasons kids school refuse is because they are worried something might happen to their parents while they are at school. Does her mum have some issues that this girl might be concerned about (the usual ones suggested are depression or alcoholism), and mean she feels she needs to be there for her mum?

I appreciate you taking an interest london thank you and yes her mum has various issues. Her last partner was an alcoholic who caused a lot of problems. She def worries about her mum.

Which is partly why I think she needs someone to be strong and to really step up for her

This book has some good advice, but IME blokes are rubbish at reading books like this.

My kids would never have given the option of school refusal. Kids I know who have school refused have very passive parents.
The day of shouting and screaming mine would have had if they'd tried to bunk off would have made school look like a very easy option.
If its bulluing then we sort it out, you don't just hide from crap at home.

My kids would never have given the option of school refusal.

So your kids have never school refuesed, I take it?

Try weeks of screaming at and dragging a child in, kicking and screaming (it takes at least two adults when they are really going for it), and back in to school when they shoot out, just when you think you've got them through the door (most schools actually aren't that secure).

Genuine school refusers aren't bunking off because they fancy staying at home and watching day time TV. These kids have real issues, that need to be addressed. Parents of these kids are often left with very little support from anyone.

It's a stressful problem which can seriously affect the rest of the family. We are not talking about a child saying "I don't want to go to school today." These kids display some very, very challenging behaviour.

It's very easy to say "I wouldn't let my DC..." Too easy.

holstenlips - it's as if the adults in this girls life are walking on egg shells around her. I suspect she is prone to tantrums, which may well be due to anxiety, if she is a school refuser. I don't think it's so much a case of no one taking her in hand, but more a case of no one getting to the root of her problems.

Thanks 2rebecca. Dp is now not talking to me except to say I make him feel useless. I will have to keep right outof it now. Doesnt sit comfortably with us having a relationship thats going anywhere though fir example living together at some stage.
His dd is up and posting on fb so I wonder if she will get up for school tomorrow. Goodnight all and thanks.

Yes I would say she suffers with anxiety london.

School refusal is not the same as 'bunking off'
It is usually anxiety based and needs careful handling.

Thankyou london, going through extreme anxiety with my 11 yr old dd at the mo, its incredibly hard, and from the outside if you haven't been through it you dont have a clue! There is no option about it

But how moxie?

I can see as a step parent this must be very frustrating.

For parents who have been together for years, and have a very solid relationship school refusal can be very stressful. I hate to think what it might do to a newer/more fragile relationship.

I think the best thing you can do is encourage access to psychologists/ CAHMS. Suggesting your DP isn't being the best parent isn't going to help your relationship. And sometimes the slow and gentle approach can be the most effective.

Thank you london.

No idea holsten, I have one teen in a psych unit and one who will go to school but will not go into class.
Camhs and ed psych are involved, but there's no magic cure. They both have asd though, which is linked to anxiety.

Sorry to hear that moxie that must be so hard for you. I think I may have underestimated the school refusal thing.

The question is, is this school refusal due to anxiety etc or is it refusing to go to school because she can? If the child isn't receiving proper parenting from either parent then she is very likely to do whatever she can get away with. OP I think you are on a hiding to nothing if your DP doesn't want to take any advice on board. It sounds like he could do with some parenting support. If he asks you again then maybe you could look up Triple P parenting courses in your area (you could go as a couple or he could go alone) but otherwise I think you need to withdraw your advice if he isn't listening and he's saying you make him feel useless.

London & Lovelies - yes, school refusal is a genuine issue of anxiety etc. Our dd suffered from this at two schools who took the heavy persuasion/manipulation approach - disastrous. Ended up home ed, then got a place on child psych friend's advice at another brilliant 'failing' school with crap average sats results - crap because of high SEN intake - great results with SEN kids reaching their potential. Dd was cured at that school which had the complete opposite approach - never force a child into a position causing them anxiety, always give a safe escape route.