to wonder if putting our children first is always wise?

[KatyTheCleaningLady]

I like to start a discussion I in the morning and then go to work so I have something to pop in on during the day.

Ok, the other day I felt guilty because I was physically exhausted and so blew off sports day in order to rest before a busy evening ferrying kids about.

I felt guilty because I felt like it's wrong not to suffer any inconvenience or discomfort for even the most trivial of my children's pleasure. I "should" suck it up and stand around in the cold watching races just so my kids see me there. But, why? How is it really good for an exhausted mother with aching feet to do this? Isn't it better for mum to be rested and happy at tea time?

Obviously, some things are so important that you carry on, regardless. I didn't cancel a client in order to rest: the money is important to the family. And, if the event had been something truly important, then it would be a different matter. I would stand cold and aching if it was truly important to the child's well being.

I see a lot of threads on here from exhausted, miserable mums who are burnt out and resentful about their lives. Is some of that due to prioritising the family over their own well being?

Oh i realised i lied - i don't go to everything else. I didn't go to speech day or the art show or the Christmas service this year either. Bad mum. .

Sports day is one of the things DH is more interested in going to - he's quite sporty and it brings back memories of his own sporting highlights I guess. He tends to leave parents evenings to me, which is fine, as I find a two way convo (or three way if DC there too) is enough to handle.

Also, I think your perspective is very wise MrsDeV. Would be lovely to see one of your DCs as a doctor one day But happy is always the first thing.

I guess we just all do things our own way , I would have dragged myself to sportsday then ordered takeaway for tea.

Like littlewhitebag, my four are now older.. but in the many many years of school I have attended many evening concerts, plays shows, art evenings... but never a sports' day, because I teach elsewhere and can't have time off. Dh is forces and could not have time off.

Our children have made it to young adulthood unscarred by the lack of a cheering parent .

Having survived our own school sports' day yesterday I am just glad the bloody thing is over for another year....

"But, if you are going to be a plasterer, isn't the ideal to be as well educated a plasterer as you possibly can be?"

See, I'm not sure it is. I come from a working class family (in the US) so lots of tradesmen as relatives. A lot of them are what I'd call self-educated, they read the paper, they have hobbies, travel. But I don't think any of them would have benefitted from an Oxbridge education. Or even a typical four-year degree anywhere. They are really practical people, happy working with their hands, happy to learn stuff they're interested in and sod the rest.

I spent a lot of time waitressing when I did postgrad degrees. That level of education did not make me a better waitress than the girl who stopped school at 17 -- or even a happier one.

Education is a big priority for me, but I know lots of people living very creative and alternative lifestyles without going to uni or anything, and it's much more important to me that my son is happy.

(Luckily he's only 3, right now bubbles make him happy so kinda easy!)

I went to uni for the fun of it. I enjoyed the challenge of the exams and papers and I was interested in the subject (art history). It hasn't made me a better cleaner!

Actually was remising with df today having been to dcs sports day on Monday. It brought back such happy memories for me. I should add that we are a sporty lot, Df took me running before school and they always came to cheer me on as did my coach.

dreamingbohemian , katy - an academic education may not make you a better plasterer or cleaner, but it may make you a "better" person. By 'better' I mean all the things that I've indicated an education can provide: mental fulfillment and satisfaction, for example. It can affect the relationships with people in your life for the better. It can provide you with an appreciation of the natural world, people around you, society etc that perhaps only a lifetime of experience might otherwise provide. And so on.

I'm talking about the inherent value of education in life, not (just) about what it can do in terms of earning a living.

It's all relative really. My kids are not sporty but over the years we have taken them to countless films/shows/ballets/museums/art galleries as this is what they really love. I think i am a pretty encouraging parent, but i still loathe sports day.

I'm surprised how much sports day is valued. I will be going this year but didn't go to the nativity play as my kids dislike it (get bored of rehearsals and having to repeatedly watch other classes bits). I always try really hard for class assemblies as they are really important to them though.

My sons' school has an assembly every Friday. Ds2 has asked me to go, but I am always working.

I feel bad about it, but it can't be helped.

I am a tiny bit annoyed with the school for holding it and sending text reminders every Friday. It's like they just dream up ways to bug parents.

Sports day is not something they are going to hate you for... I know it may sound harsh but they are going to forget. If you really want to see it get a friend to film it for you.

I've never been to a sport day I'm working and that just way it is

thesun I'm sorry but I really disagree with your generalisation there.

I'm finishing up a phd, so basically, educated up the wazoo, as we say so vulgarly in America

I don't consider myself a better person than the many, many people I know who never went to university or beyond. Not in any way. Honestly, not at all. On the flip side, I certainly know a lot of highly educated people who are atrocious human beings.

I'm not talking about the material benefits of education either. I'm saying that I think there aren't really any automatic causal connections between education and either happiness or virtue.

Education might make you happier or more fulfilled, but so might many other things. I'm just going to see how my DS turns out and support him best I can.

I agree that putting children first is the right thing to do.
After all if parents don't, who else is going to.
That is not to say they should be spoilt or rule the nest, these are totally different.
I always supported stuff at school they wanted me to. Ds 1 didn't want me to attend sports day so I didn't, ds2 and dd did, so I went, simple as.

To go back to original OP.
Dc need to understand they are not centre of universe. When I was pg with dc2 I had a really bad cold/ flu. I didn't go to the doctors until dc1 caught it. The doctor said " he's fine, what about you? It turned out I had a chest infection and needed antibiotics!!

IMO, they come first, because they are not yet capable of putting themselves first and to really thrive, someone has to, and that's usually the parent.

That said, I'd happily skip sports day because DC aren't sporty, but would be gutted if I missed a school play or concert, even if (as is so often the case ) they are only banging a spoon against a rainmaker or playing thirteenth sheep in the back row of the nativity. Because drama and music are important to them, it's crucial for them that I'm there, but they have pretty low desire for me to stand around watching them embarrass themselves in the sprint, so I usually just turn up late.

Define come first?is it unilateral attendance at events?is it emotional,physiological?
Pragmatically as parent I weigh up pro/on how achievable the ask is?
No I don't attend every sports day/play.doesn't diminish how I feel about kids,it's just how it is

It doesn't matter if you miss a sports day.

Although if I was tired, I'd find sports day mind-numbingly relaxing

YANBU Katy - you are a person too and what's good for you is good for your dcs.

My mum always came to my sports day and I loved her being there cheering me on and giving me her support ( and snacks !!!) I have v happy childhood memories and photos and it meant a lot to me

Sports day is up there along with the reception nativity in my opinion !!!

Imagine if your child won and you are not there to congratulate along with the crowd or if your child is sad to lose and you are not there to comfort ???

It is A massive mile stone in building your child self esteem

The school invite you for a reason !!! It is IMPORTANT

This is very judgemental I know but i think you should have been there. I have 4 very young children and work and would never miss it and I am soooo tired too... I have literally had about a handful of unbroken nights in 7 years .... So it bugs me to hear ' i was tired so did not go'.

Go next time !!!!
Everyone needs to catch up on rest and not become ill with the hard slog of life or resentful with demands of life parenting etc but choose a better moment to catch up on sleep than sports day for goodness sake !!!!

Yes and sometimes parents have to attend to other important priorities
Schools can have an unrealistic expectation of parental availability
Friends film it,tell me how it goes.

I think if the child wants you there and expects it you should be there. If they ask you to go you should move heaven and earth to attend.
I didn't miss one thing at dds school and now she is H.ed i don't miss a performance, concert or show.
I think it is important and your role as a parent, especially if they want you there. The amount of times I saw friends of dd upset because their mum or dad wasn't there, they cried in reception.