to wonder if putting our children first is always wise?

[KatyTheCleaningLady]

I like to start a discussion I in the morning and then go to work so I have something to pop in on during the day.

Ok, the other day I felt guilty because I was physically exhausted and so blew off sports day in order to rest before a busy evening ferrying kids about.

I felt guilty because I felt like it's wrong not to suffer any inconvenience or discomfort for even the most trivial of my children's pleasure. I "should" suck it up and stand around in the cold watching races just so my kids see me there. But, why? How is it really good for an exhausted mother with aching feet to do this? Isn't it better for mum to be rested and happy at tea time?

Obviously, some things are so important that you carry on, regardless. I didn't cancel a client in order to rest: the money is important to the family. And, if the event had been something truly important, then it would be a different matter. I would stand cold and aching if it was truly important to the child's well being.

I see a lot of threads on here from exhausted, miserable mums who are burnt out and resentful about their lives. Is some of that due to prioritising the family over their own well being?

I didn't go to sports day this year as I was away working. I don't think my dd really cared as she isn't sporty and it is a non-competitive one without any winners/ losers. I have though in the last month been to 2 graduation ceremonies for my ds, 3 parents evenings for them and picked them up from school/ nursery today on the last day of term. I work fulltime and travel a lot so I will prioritise the events which I think are more important. Sports day (the way it is run at her school) is a complete waste of time.

motherinferior As I said, it's about mindset

There are so many school events aren't there. I'm on maternity leave this year and have dragged myself along to them all but once I go back to work I won't bother, there is no point taking even half a days holiday for a half hour assembly. I'd rather save my holidays for the school holidays so we get a full day together. I know that parent's evenings go on late enough so I can go after work but sports days? No chance! And my DM was a SAHM and I know she didn't bother going to them all and it didn't bother me.

I don't think we're disagreeing, MrsDeVere. OP said she thought her older son would have a shot at Oxbridge, meaning he is showing potential. I'm assuming he's shown interest too (maybe incorrect assumption).

Let's be clear, there is nothing better about being a lawyer or doctor or physicist than about being a plasterer. But, if you are going to be a plasterer, isn't the ideal to be as well educated a plasterer as you possibly can be?

It's an interesting point, I value education very highly, mainly because I didn't take advantage of it myself and there are certainley times I think my life would have been a lot easier had I stayed on at school , went to uni etc.
so I want my DCs to realise that a good education and qualifications can open a lot of doors that would otherwise be difficult.
But all the DCs are different. Dd wants to be a lawyer. She is 15 now and working amazingly hard, studying hard, planning her future.
Ds1 is bloody clever but is of the mindset that because he is clever, he doesn't have to put any effort in to school
And ds2 is at the moment, amongst the middle of the class.
Not super bright, not behind.
He is very creative, dramatic.

But I just want them to have a happy life. So whatever career they choose, whatever path they take I want them to be happy.
I do think education is important but I also think that pushing a child into something that they really don't want to do, trying to make them something they are not, in order to satisfy my ambitions for them is somehow wrong.

In hte last few years, due to a shortage of tilers and electricians, they were offering traineeships, ending in minimum 40k. Sounds o.k. to me.

Nobody hated sports day more than I did. But it's once a year so be there if they want you there. You just have to get some sort of balance between being totally self-sacrificing and being totally selfish. Assuming there is a balance!

I'm not sure my son would make it into Oxbridge, but I think kids with no more brains than him go on to it because their families prioritise it.

I believed in being well read an interested in the world, so I take him to museums and encourage him to read.

I have the American equivalent of that sort of education because I went to Berkeley. I like to share my interests and values with my kids. But I don't have the drive to coach them through the channels that lead to Oxbridge. I'm not willing to drive the one child to the other side of town to attend the posh school, or pay the tuition. I don't even know what that would mean in regards to the other two. Would it be fair? Because I can't afford to pay for the three of them.

I battle physical exhaustion most days in order to get them fed and in bed with their teeth brushed. Even reading to them every day is more than I can handle. I hope to do better when my husband is here. I am making an effort to get them out of the house for activities and I'm working on sitting with them for homework on the weekends. Thankfully, they only have homework once a week.

I am also planning to take each of the two oldest away for special weekend trips, like Love Bombing. Eldest perhaps to London for museums and galleries, middle for Chester and the zoo, maybe. Youngest is only four, so a night camping nearby should b enough for him.

do you think loads of Fathers sit around discussing this shit, because I don't. I don't think they give it a second thought

As for sports day, it happens. If you miss it it isn't the end of the world. I have 3 at 3 different schools, sometimes stuff like this clashes anyway. Sometimes only one of us can go to one thing or another because of lack of (child)care. it's life. It doesn't make us bad people.

Crap parents are too pissed/high to pick their kids up from school. they beat and abuse them, forget to feed them, don't wash their clothes and don't care about them. Someone having a nap because they are wore out and have family stuff to do later on with their children doesn't need any criticism imo

But i am a bit intolerant of dictators today so please feel free to ignore me

We all muddle along and do our best, it's the most anyone can do without the aid of a magic wand

So far with my 3 children I have been to about 14 Sport's Days. I have 3 children and not always have they had them at the same time - maybe 2 or 3 years they were.

I go to everything that I am invited too but tbh Sport's Day is such a lovely afternoon at our school (not so much at our previous school) that I wouldn't miss it for the world.

I hear you though as I have been musing about starting a thread about how you stop yourself being a bit of a martyr when you do so much as a mother. Mostly I don't mind, sometimes it gets me really down.

Just to add DH had sports day in his diary all year he wouldn't miss it for the world ditto parents evening and the summer/Xmas fayre. He works 4 days a week btw.

Also my male boss took last Friday off for sports day. In my world the dads do care about these things.

wish it's all well and good having the date in your diary for weeks however if something important that you have to deal with comes up at work, you can't really say oh no I can't do xyz because its my DCs sports day. You can't ask clients to reschedule or change important meetings based on a primary school sports day.

exactly tantrums
I have a severely disabled child so organising days off to attend appointments becomes a higher priority than sports day, for both of us

It's got nothing to do with caring or not caring

Agreed Tantrums, but I was merely pointing out that some men do care about school events.

Ah well, the DTSs sports day next week has just been cancelled due to problems with the astro turf which means that the whole of the school field is out of bounds for all children until at least October . It was only put in at great expense and fanfare 4 years ago!

DH booked a day off work as well as it's their last one at primary. They don't do them at secondary or at least DD's secondary did'nt. I feel rather sad about it .

At least we have DS3's to look forward to for the next 7 years!

I see it the way owllady does. Although I do think some fathers definitely care.

I just think most fathers show they care by working hard at their careers, which is often more "fun" and also rewarded in ways being "a mum" is not.

Katy - 3DCs, on your own, battling physical exhaustion every day, only ever realistically being able to do it for one DC anyway ... It sounds like you might fall into the category of "can't be done". Please understand that at no point was I having a pop at you, and certainly not wanting to make you feel bad. I understood the term "welly" to mean "a bit more effort", instead of superhuman effort.

I have been banging on about education, but I think I am educated enough myself to know that there's no point in education for education's sake. As MrsDeVere says, not going to university isn't depressing. Not being able to read a newspaper in a critical fashion, for example, is. The ideal is for everyone to be educated along MrsDeVeres terms. For those who want to and can do more...well, it would make me very happy to know that I had done the necessary to open my - or indeed anyone's - child's mind beyond what they thought were their limits.

camaleon Wed 26-Jun-13 14:33:24
So if you are a teacher, for instance, do you take a day off to go to your child sport's day?

Nope - it's a very rare head indeed who would let a teacher take time off for their own DCs sports day. It costs a school hard cash to get supply in to cover when you should be teaching.

I teach and will be with my class for their sports day but cannot attend that of my own DCs. Nor can I attend their concerts or special assemblies.

DH does what he can to book leave to attend those that I can't get to.

I hate sports day and never ever go. I go to everything else. My kids have never been bothered in the slightest. They are not competitive and just want to hang out with their friends. I am often on days off on sports day and not tired at all. I just hate it. However if my kids had really wanted me to go i probably would have gone.
Btw kids are age 15 and 20 now and have not suffered in any way by my lack of sports day attendance.