to wonder if putting our children first is always wise?

[KatyTheCleaningLady]

I like to start a discussion I in the morning and then go to work so I have something to pop in on during the day.

Ok, the other day I felt guilty because I was physically exhausted and so blew off sports day in order to rest before a busy evening ferrying kids about.

I felt guilty because I felt like it's wrong not to suffer any inconvenience or discomfort for even the most trivial of my children's pleasure. I "should" suck it up and stand around in the cold watching races just so my kids see me there. But, why? How is it really good for an exhausted mother with aching feet to do this? Isn't it better for mum to be rested and happy at tea time?

Obviously, some things are so important that you carry on, regardless. I didn't cancel a client in order to rest: the money is important to the family. And, if the event had been something truly important, then it would be a different matter. I would stand cold and aching if it was truly important to the child's well being.

I see a lot of threads on here from exhausted, miserable mums who are burnt out and resentful about their lives. Is some of that due to prioritising the family over their own well being?

I think it all depends on whether you are usually put them first, if so, then the occasional no-show for various reasons other than work is fine. My mum had a "healthy" no-nonsense disregard for sports days and school fairs and the like, dismissing most of them as unimportant fripperies of life and an irritating inconvenience, and to me as a child it was that attitude that hurt more than the fact she wasn't there. It did not occur to her to look or feel too sorry that she wasn't coming to sports day or whatever, or we weren't going to the school summer fair (I would usually get taken by a schoolfriend's family instead, feeling like a cuckoo in the nest). Granted, sometimes it was because she was working and genuinely couldn't make it, but she didn't even try to look bothered or sorry that she couldn't come. I always felt disconnected from the event if my parents weren't there, like I was a 2nd class student or a poor relation. I guess I just didn't feel very special or worth the effort of attending, especially if she had been off-hand about the event itself.

In conclusion I would say that if you can't make an event, at least try to be genuinely sorry about it (without grovelling of course, which is the other side of the spectrum and just as unhealthy).

I'd like to ask all those who think it is so vital to attend; What do you think teachers should do when we're busy educating your DCs therefore can't attend our own DCs events?

Hear hear readytoorder, I was wondering the same

Someone made a point earlier in the thread that the school invite things to something that they consider important. We've also heard from teachers that they notice when the kids whose parents haven't attended feel a bit down about it. Only the other day there was a thread about 'what is the point of school anyway' or something like it. You can't have it both ways. You can't expect a free education and not be prepared to chip in as parents as well. It's not just for the teachers to educate our kids - it takes parents to do it as well.

It's not about having a personal go at the OP - really it isn't - but if we're all intelligent enough adults to bother posting on a contentious post, surely we have the wherewithal to have kids knowing that IT MAKES YOU VERY F*ING TIRED (yes we need to suck it up as the OP said) and it's our job as the responsible adults to make them the centre of the universe for just a little bit in our own lives. Frankly, to do anything else is just a little bit selfish IMO. But that's me, and not everybody is the same.

If we spend such a large part of procreative lives (as women) trying NOT to get pregnant, doesn't that mean we realised it was going to be hard work and tiring beforehand?

And someone also pointed out that love (at least for our children) means putting them first. I'm not saying that about sports day specifically, but in wanting them to achieve as much as they can - not necessarily in terms of money, but ability, in realising their potential.

Don't you want your kids to be healthier, happier, better educated, better off than you are? I know I do. I know my gran, who raised 6 kids in abject poverty did and I thank G-d every day she did because I might never have got to university and got to live in a developed country (unlike my mum) with all these amazing things like free schooling, education etc.

Sorry. I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings, and it's not about having a go at someone, but this shit is important.

My parents would miss sportsday, and even parents evenings (they had the reports). It honestly never did me any harm. They had their own business, which was very successful, and time consuming. I always knew they loved me, and if something meant a lot to me, then they would make the effort to be there. I never liked them watching me play sport, I always played better when they were not around. Same with speach and drama.

*ReadyToorder.

of course you can't attend if your work doesn't allow you the time off. It doesn't make the event any less important to the dc, just because a parent is working. I don't think anybody has said anything derogatory against the people working. It is saying that those who can attend should attend, especially if their dc want them to.
I know several parents who don't work, or who were at home on the day and didn't turn up for various events. The dc usually know the hours mum and dad work and if they don't turn up they get upset.

No, I don't particularly want my kids to be better educated than I am, actually. I too am educated up the wazoo.

It's sports day ffs. Not a proposal to leave them unfed tethered in a concrete yard all weekend. I shall go and applaud DD1's 'performance' in a play on Sunday afternoon because it means a lot to her. I won't however go and hear DD2 in a concert tomorrow because I have a rehearsal of my own. DP has a meeting, related to work and earning money so he won't go either. Oh, and they won't be coming to hear me sing a solo in 10 days' time and I'll cope then too..

I can't remember who said this, think it was the psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott (whose work has contributed to ideas about parenting and child development that we nowadays take for granted), that the job of a parent is to disappoint their child -- not all at once, but gradually and in stages.

We need to allow children to learn that they can do without us (and that we can do without them), and they need to be disappointed in us in order to wrench themselves away from us and achieve independence. If your parents always meet your every wish how is it that you can begin to learn to satisfy your needs and desires yourself (and how can you learn to tolerate not getting your wishes met)?

Disappointing your children in little things (like not coming to sports day) is not only inevitable you'd have to be completely self-abnegating to a dangerous degree never to disappoint them but it may even be an essential part of their development.

Of course you need to put your children first in everything when they are utterly dependent on you. But one's job a a parent is to help them to achieve independence. I wonder sometimes how much the 'putting the child first' is really a way of putting the parent's own need to be needed by their child before the child's actual needs.

op if you cant be arsed dont go but dont dress it up with the I'm so exhausted crap, just admit you cant be arsed

we're all exhausted join the club

My parents never came to sports day. My children's schools never invited parents to sports days. And I think I am the only person I know whose children's primary school didn't do Nativity. We are all OK.

I would like my son to have a happier and easier life than me, yes. I've had a rough ride actually, and I hope he never sees anything like it.

I don't think that means he has to be better educated or make more money. I find that an extremely narrow viewpoint.

I won't know until he's older whether missing sports day will scar him for life. I suspect the OP knows her children, and knows that not going may have been a bit disappointing but not devastating.

I think there are two separate issues here. First, children have to learn that they don't always come first. Totally agree with this and I try and get my two Ds's to know sometimes we have to do what I want to, watch what I want to etc.

The second issue for me is, is not turning up to sports day teaching them this principle. I am sorry but i don't think they will get the idea that they don't always come first by you not showing up. I don't know your children but i know my own, and if I didn't turn up they would just be disappointed and sad that I wasn't there to watch them.

I am by no means a mummy martyr but to me school events are a must, both for me to see and for my children to see me and know I am there.

Oh, come off it with the martyred exhaustion again. Not all parents are exhausted.

I hate Sports day. Wish I had the guts to skip it

Being constantly exhausted and sleep deprived is risking your health I a way that is in fact quite irresponsible in a parent. Loads of stuff out there about the links between inadequate sleep and a higher risk of heart disease, for starters. Don't give me this 'exhaustion is part and parcel of parenthood' line.

It would break my kids heart if I missed sports day. I couldn't stand to think of her there with no one to cheer her on, no one to say 'well tried' when she didn't win and scream like a mad woman with glee when she did. I love it as much as she does though. I still remember my sports days when I was little and how proud I was in front of my parents. It's an emotionally charged day for most kids, and an opportunity for them to shine in a different way to academically.
I think you are mad to miss it, but I also think its entirely your right/choice to do so if that's how you feel about it!

I didn't go to sports day. I had a class at college that I didn't want to miss and had paid for, so I wanted to attend that instead. 2 of my friends in the same class missed it to go to sports day.

As my DCs are a few years apart, one of them was in the morning and the other in the afternoon, so I would have had to spend all day there, watching hundreds of other kids, just to be able to glimpse my DCs from 100m away chucking a bean bag in a hoop.

I love them, I spend half my life putting their needs before mine, but this is not a need. Yes lots of parents were there, probably many of them had taken time off work for the privilege of watching sports day. Hats off to them. Sorry if it makes me a bad mum, but maybe as a SAHM we get blasé about the opportunities to participate in our DC's lives and don't appreciate it all the time.

FWIW I would always go to a play, concert or assembly unless it was totally unavoidable (other DCs being ill etc). Maybe I just don't value the 'sport' they do on sports day as an audience-worthy attraction as much as music etc.

Blimey everyone has sports day early ours is 24th july last day term so guess i rains cancelled as halls not big enough.

Dd1 school has celebration assembly every friday afternoon 3pm.
we get text night before saying your childs names in it.

then we sit at back and kids look to back see if parents there then they know they getting an award but thats like once a term

Parents evening twice a year usualy 1 of us go as no childcare.

but all the other events.

I have 3

1 primary
1 in nursery
2 in preschool.

=3summer fetes.
1end term disco
1 end term party
2sports days
family bbq/party
end of term mass.

im sure theres something I forgot.

even with 2 its hard with younger siblings.

I have gone to sports days in previous years. If it had been today, I would have gone. But on Monday I was really exhausted. My feet, elbow, and back were aching. Sports day sucks no matter what, but I would go ordinarily.

Why is it bad to say "today, I just want to do the grocery shopping, picked up the youngest from nursery, and then rest a few hours before the busy night ahead?

motherinferior I wish I could like every one of your posts on this thread. Hope you get that child-free holiday real soon

I do try to resist the 'all parents must be exhausted' line of thought. Having DS wrecked my health a bit and if I don't take care of myself, I fall apart pretty easily. Marathon, not a sprint, etc and so on.

My sister is frequently exhausted as she has ME. She is so tired she can barely stay up for a few hours before she has to go to bed or she will get very ill. There is tired and there is so tired you really have to go to bed. It sounds to me as if on this occasion the OP veered more toward the later.

I have never been to one of my children's sports days. In the UK because I thought that the school didn't encourage parents to attend and in any case I don't know that it would have been a huge priority. I can't remember any of my own sports days from primary. My mother might or might not have been there. She was at my secondary ones because she taught at my school, but by that time I had very little interest in either the sports or parental support.

We left the UK a few years back, and they don't have sports days where I live now (they have far more PE/sports, but parental attendance is not a part of the picture). I asked them if they had minded me/their dad not being there when they were younger and they both looked blank and asked me what sports days were. I suspect that it's one of those things that might matter at the time, but in the long run is fairly irrelevant.

Plus in my experience schools are terrible at actually letting you know about important events with any sort of notice.

Attitudes on this thread make me scared to return to teaching. I really don't want my daughter to be the only one with noone to cheer her on, or come to the school play etc. Sigh.

The school invite you for a reason !!! It is IMPORTANT

It's completely, utterly and thoroughly UNIMPORTANT!

We need parents to attend parent teacher conferences (or make another time to meet with us), we need them to attend the parents briefing at the start of the year. We need them to make sure they discuss any issues and concerns with us, we need them to send their children in correct uniform, we need them to get their children to school on time, we need them to provide an adequate lunch and snacks.

We do not need parents at sports days, carnivals or any other event unless they are coming to help out. We really don't care about the parents sitting on the hill under their umbrellas sipping chai while the rest of us run around in the sun, wrangling children, making sure everyone has hats and suncream on, stewarding races and trying to work out how we're going to make up the whole day of teaching we're missing out on.

No child is going to be scarred for life because their parent didn't attend sports day. But a parent who found that the pressure of being there waving on the sidelines means that they lose their job and can't afford healthy food and a safe roof over their child's head is going to suffer a lot more.

midnite. I am not scarred for life. But I remember and resent the fact that other kids had their parents at events and I never did.
Some kids don't care one jot, some really, really do.

Think it depends really. If you can't make it you can't and most kids realise that, if you can I think most children (whatever they say) would prefer you to be there. Exhaustion had certainly been part of my life with kids (severely autistic eldest child who often doesn't sleep) & I think I do have to suck it up - not through being a martyr but because I don't want the rest of the family's life defined by autism.

Anyway that aside this year I have a clash. Ds1's mini marathon clashing with ds2 & ds3's sports day. Dilemma - ds3 in particular would always want me at sports day - i couldn't give a stuff but i know it is important to him - and ds2 although he's much more aware of other pressures - but I have done the mini marathon with ds1 for the last 8 years & can't imagine his reaction if I wasn't there. Mainly he wants me to drive him home afterwards & he would feel very cross if he missed that. I tried to suggest I didn't go and er no - that was clearly going to be problematic. Luckily my lovely mum has a day off so she is being sent to sports day (I can explain to ds2 & ds 3) leaving me to head to mini marathon & thus prevent meltdown.