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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder if putting our children first is always wise?

459 replies

KatyTheCleaningLady · 26/06/2013 09:37

I like to start a discussion I in the morning and then go to work so I have something to pop in on during the day. Grin

Ok, the other day I felt guilty because I was physically exhausted and so blew off sports day in order to rest before a busy evening ferrying kids about.

I felt guilty because I felt like it's wrong not to suffer any inconvenience or discomfort for even the most trivial of my children's pleasure. I "should" suck it up and stand around in the cold watching races just so my kids see me there. But, why? How is it really good for an exhausted mother with aching feet to do this? Isn't it better for mum to be rested and happy at tea time?

Obviously, some things are so important that you carry on, regardless. I didn't cancel a client in order to rest: the money is important to the family. And, if the event had been something truly important, then it would be a different matter. I would stand cold and aching if it was truly important to the child's well being.

I see a lot of threads on here from exhausted, miserable mums who are burnt out and resentful about their lives. Is some of that due to prioritising the family over their own well being?

OP posts:
redskyatnight · 26/06/2013 10:04

I think it depends.

This year DH and I agreed that he would go to DS's sports day and I would go to DD's. We both cleared our work diaries.
DS's sports day was rained off.
DH had v. important work meeting clash with revised time. I shuffled my work meetings so I could go. Second date also rained off.

DH is away for reserve reserve date, and I can't shuffle my work diary that day at such short notice, so no one will now be going to DS's sports day. Talking to other parents, basically all but the SAHPs have similar issues. I think DS is appreciative that we tried to get to his sports day, I'm not sure he woudl appreciate "I was a bit tired" (unless real health reason) as an excuse. Particularly as if you are a SAHP/work part time presumably the reason for this is that you CAN get to children's school events?

motherinferior · 26/06/2013 10:06

I refuse to go to sports day. Absolutely point blank. I will go to any number of bloody concerts etc - although not if they clash with my own, which they've been known to do - school plays, yadda yadda yadda, but not sports day. It makes me feel quite ill.

Xmasbaby11 · 26/06/2013 10:07

It depends how important it is to your child. I personally never enjoyed sports day and can't remember if my parents were there. I agree you shouldn't sacrifice your health for your children. I'm sure you know your children best and therefore made the right decision. YANBU.

mrsminiverscharlady · 26/06/2013 10:09

But sports day isn't exactly taxing, it's just about turning up and supporting them by being there.

We had sports day a couple of weeks ago. It started 30 minutes after I got home from my third consecutive night shift from hell, so I put my dark glasses on and stood there like a zombie for an hour and a half while ds did his races. Dashed home and crawled into bed for an hour then went back for the KS2 session. God knows I miss enough school events because of work, without not going because I was tired!

Crowler · 26/06/2013 10:10

I think you should go to sports day if you can.

Your kids understand if you CAN'T go, but they also understand you making a DECISION to not go.

LadyInDisguise · 26/06/2013 10:14

I know my dcs want me there, not because they want me but because all their friends have some family there so they feel they are missing out if one of us isn't there Hmm

And most parents are coming because they feel they ought to, it's sooo important for their dcs etc... creating a never ending circle of expectations.

But there is something there about teaching children about what is important. Is sports day really that important? is a question to discuss with your dcs.
And about the importance of other people in the family, not just the children. ie sometimes, your needs will take precedence to theirs.

OP, if you were really really tired and needed some sleep then go for the sleep. Children do need to learn that their parents health is important too.
If you booked your afternoon, told the dcs you were coming and then decided not to, then I would be more Confused
If the issue is that you actually couldn't be bothered (something I could understand), then I think it needs to be tackled in a different way. Such as talking with your dc 1-to see whether it is actually important for him/her, 2- to discuss the importance of your own needs too and 3- to evaluate if actually there isn't a middle ground (eg Daddy can go to sports day instead!, no sports day but will be there for all the swimming competitions etc...). Ie you can't have it all!

Lionessy · 26/06/2013 10:14

Well I missed my Yr6 DSs school christmas production last year (they had very small parts) which has been the 1st ever time in my 16 years of parenting I have missed any school stuff like parents evenings, sports day, plays, assemblies etc. They noticed and they still bring it up now. They said I was the only parent who did not go (although DH did Hmm).

I missed it as I had been suffering from severe panic attacks which make me feel like I am either going to pass out (embarrassment) or lose control of myself (major embarrassment) in front of everybody. I had bad one during a school assembly a few months before and in the end, had to flee the hall pretending I felt sick. It was horrendous and I just could not face going to the Christmas production as I was worried the same thing would happen. I am getting better now thank god!

YABU - kids need someone there to cheer them on, clap them whatever. They need to know their parents, grandparents etc are there for THEM. These events are not held every week. They are just several times a year. It's part and parcel of having DC and feeling tired just does not cut it. DC should always come first. I attended a full day sports day a few years back when 8 months pregnant with SPD in 30c heat on my own as DH could not get time off. I could not have not gone. I could not have had no one cheering on my DC.

Sorry! I can't remember my mother attending any of my school events btw and it sucked.

Original poster
KatyTheCleaningLady · 26/06/2013 10:16

Yes, children understand if mum makes a decision not to go.
But, what do you think they will assume from it? That mummy doesn't love them? I think that's absurd. If mummy loves them they know it. Not prioritising them over yourself all the time doesn't mean that you don't love them
Loving them is seeing to it that they have what they need to grow up into good unadulterated. And, loving them is loving them. They can feel it in your hugs and kisses.

OP posts:
LadyInDisguise · 26/06/2013 10:18

mrsminiverscharlady, Can I ask what was the point of you going?
What my dcs really appreciate is the fact I can talk to them about what has happened, I can make comments and they can see me watching them with interest. They want to share what they are proud of as well as their struggles.

If you were coming back home from a night shift, did you really watch them? Were able to appreciate what was going on? Did you enjoy it?

because I know I would have enjoyed it, and I would also not have really being there, watching with interest. I would only have been there in body which imho defeats the point of coming iyswim?

Lovelygoldboots · 26/06/2013 10:19

Yanbu, you clearly weren't feeling 100%. Why be a martyr? You rested, so you were ready for the next onslaught of stuff to do. I would have done the same.

motherinferior · 26/06/2013 10:20

Ah, and we're back to the martyred school of parenting again....

Original poster
KatyTheCleaningLady · 26/06/2013 10:20

In my kids cases, sports day isn't a big deal. If it were truly important to them, then I think that would have made a difference.

It's not really about sports day. Just the idea that the kid's pleasure comes before all else. Frankly, even if the kids are disappointed about sports day, if they are loved and cared for, it won't hurt them to be disappointed. It may even be better for them than a mum who always feels she must "suck it up."

OP posts:
Crowler · 26/06/2013 10:24

Sports day comes around only once a year. It doesn't take a martyr to make a reasonable effort to get to them.

motherinferior · 26/06/2013 10:27

It does if you're totally wiped.

Original poster
KatyTheCleaningLady · 26/06/2013 10:27

crowler it's not just sports day. That's just one little possible example.

A mum who feels obligated to limp I in and stand on aching feet over something that is probably pretty insignificant to the kids in the big picture is possibly a mum who martyrs herself on a regular basis.

OP posts:
LadyInDisguise · 26/06/2013 10:28

It may even be better for them than a mum who always feels she must "suck it up."

YY to that.
but you also need to add the fact you need to TELL your dcs when you are unwell. You need to be able to tell them about your own struggles and the fact you have to make choices.

So I have been extremely tired for a long time. I started by not saying anything to the dcs, carried on like usual. For them hearing me saying 'I am tired' didn't have any meaning. It also meant that when I was saying 'Oh no I don't really want to do X ' I was just a killjoy.
Then I realized that I had to be more up front and I explained to them what it meant for me to be tired (eg climbing said hill would mean me finding very very hard to do anything else for the next 2 days). They learnt and learnt to appreciate others (and my) struggles. They've become more compassionate and I certainly do not have any more 'guilt trip' about me not being able to do said trip.
And tbh, that guilt was probably more mine than theirs anyway....

TroublesomeEx · 26/06/2013 10:28

I don't put my children first above all else.

I used to, but I realised that actually it's important for them to recognise that I have my own life and my own needs too.

I still prioritise them, but that doesn't mean they always come first (although they do the majority of the time).

I'm talking my daughter might miss a birthday party if I can't get someone to take her and I'm performing in a concert rather than I didn't take her because I wanted a lie in or to watch the Coronation Street omnibus though!

TroublesomeEx · 26/06/2013 10:29

Then I realized that I had to be more up front and I explained to them what it meant for me to be tired (eg climbing said hill would mean me finding very very hard to do anything else for the next 2 days). They learnt and learnt to appreciate others (and my) struggles. They've become more compassionate and I certainly do not have any more 'guilt trip' about me not being able to do said trip.

I completely agree with this. Especially the being appreciative and compassionate bit.

Lionessy · 26/06/2013 10:31

I don't think it's anything to do with being a martyr or to do with putting DCs pleasure before your own. It's to do with your DC not being the only one without a parent there showing they care about what they are doing at school. It's not particularly hard is it. There is normally a bit of notice given.

I personally hate going to stuff like this but my DC look out for me and I will not 'disappoint' them. It is not necessary. They may well experience disappointments in life but that does not have to be one of them. If that makes me a martyr then fine. It's only for a few short years that you have to attend these things unless you have 4 DC like me.

IamMrsElf · 26/06/2013 10:33

YANBU. Parents feel guilty all the time about so much and we should all be able to have some time - whenever we need it - to make sure we can keep going.

A life completely devoted to your children will feel pretty empty when they leave the nest.

Crowler · 26/06/2013 10:34

I understand katy/motherinferior but I am distinguishing between obsessively putting your children first in every circumstance vs making the important highlight events.

I think it's very good to tell your kids you simply can't do something because it's no good for you, and on a regular basis.

frumpet · 26/06/2013 10:34

My parents never came to any of my sports days and i can honestly say i didnt care . I wasnt a natural athlete and tbh , at primary school , sports day is just a bunch of children having a laugh , unless i missed the 500m egg and spoon race in the Olympics ?

I have been to all the ones i could attend with my own children , they are a truly hideous experience and i am fairly sure my being there didnt suddenly cause my daughters head mutate into a shape more suitable for the bean bag on the head race !

Chunderella · 26/06/2013 10:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
KatyTheCleaningLady · 26/06/2013 10:35

Folkgirl, just for the sake of debate....

Why is catching up on a week's Coronation Street less important than a classmates birthday party?

Ok, maybe not a great example.... The telly can be watched on demand later. But, is it always necessary to ferry kids about to parties on the weekend?

OP posts:
MrsDeVere · 26/06/2013 10:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.