to wonder if putting our children first is always wise?

[KatyTheCleaningLady]

I like to start a discussion I in the morning and then go to work so I have something to pop in on during the day.

Ok, the other day I felt guilty because I was physically exhausted and so blew off sports day in order to rest before a busy evening ferrying kids about.

I felt guilty because I felt like it's wrong not to suffer any inconvenience or discomfort for even the most trivial of my children's pleasure. I "should" suck it up and stand around in the cold watching races just so my kids see me there. But, why? How is it really good for an exhausted mother with aching feet to do this? Isn't it better for mum to be rested and happy at tea time?

Obviously, some things are so important that you carry on, regardless. I didn't cancel a client in order to rest: the money is important to the family. And, if the event had been something truly important, then it would be a different matter. I would stand cold and aching if it was truly important to the child's well being.

I see a lot of threads on here from exhausted, miserable mums who are burnt out and resentful about their lives. Is some of that due to prioritising the family over their own well being?

my mum was one that didn't come to bugger all of mine, we don't have that great a relationship now, I know my ds is my world and sports day is something I'm really looking forward to, I want him to feel supported and feel he can rely on me, unlike my mother who, even now, I can't rely on her and have never felt supported by her

So if you are a teacher, for instance, do you take a day off to go to your child sport's day?
I work full-time. My job is quite flexible but my kids know that sometimes I cannot make it. I am convinced they are fine with it. When it is really important they insist and either my husband or I normally manage. We don't have family around, we work full-time and no matter how important the many events in the year for 2 kids are according to you. It is just not possible to make it.
Taking a day off for school event means another day I cannot take off to be with them during holidays.

In all honesty I think it is a bit 'lazy' not going to sports day because you are too tired. Equally, I would say taking them for some fast food isn't putting your children first as it is the easy option. I know on Friday that's how I was thinking when I took my DC for a pizza. I didn't join them but I was still thinking of me as I couldn't be bothered to cook for them.

I've had installed in me a very strong work ethic. It's nothing to do with being a martyr, I'm just wired that way and I would go to great lengths to avoid 'giving up' on something. I worked in politics prior to DC and you needed to be able to work relentlessly on some things, hrs at a time, tiredness didn't come in to it. However, this would be followed by a period of calm and very little work. I enjoy applying myself to whatever I do in that way, it's how I work best and that's how approach being a SAHM. This is why I would never miss 'events' due to tiredness. It has nothing to do with being a Martyr though. I don't have a clue how to do things differently.

I cooked food before the Beavers meeting. McDonald's was for ice cream and the play area for the two who didn't go to Beavers.

After my Mum left us my Dad decided not to bother to go sports day or
Parents evening about me, having done this for my older sister and as a teacher he was sick of seeing the insides of a school (he sometimes taught at our school but mostly others in the area) and it still hurts that he couldn't be bothered doing it for me.

Knowing that my Dad wouldn't be at sports day I stopped bothering to take part, I later (illegally) gave up PE in favour of Spanish and I suspect that this led to poor fitness and low self esteem that lasted years.

If I am not working I will be at my children's sports days. I will always attend parents evenings.

I think you're even more YANBU given that Granny was there and you're parenting on your own

I also think Emmeline has nailed it, for me -- if mums endlessly sacrifice for their children and the cycle keeps repeating, who gets to enjoy life? except I would add: probably men, because at the risk of huge generalization, I don't think you see as many men sacrificing their health and wellbeing as women do.

Went to DS's sports day this morning and was good to see him win the sack race and the three-legged ! What's not to like ?!
Also a nice thing to go to with DH - and free as well !

But more generally my children have a high priority in our family but doesn't mean the adults don't get a look in !
Different though I think to my DMum (and her generation ?) who has always put DDad first.

Reactions to the 'I was too tired' are making me smile (but a sad smile).

I remember a thread where a mum was saying she was keeping her dd off school because of a cold. Cue for loads of posters to say that her dd should be at school. Until the poster described cold as having some fever, coughing, being achy all over etc... Basically what most of us would describe as having a bad case of flu...

The same goes with 'being tired'. Being so tired that your joints aches and you struggle to say on your 2 feet is not 'just a bit tired' that will go away after a normal night of sleep. It's fatigue and exhaustion.
Some people are clear better at coping with tiredness than others too so comparing what you do to what someone else does and the says 'Oh I do the same and I am OK so you shouldn't be that tired' isn't cutting it either.

I really have an issue with people who associate saying 'I am tired so I can't do X' and being lazy and 'just can't be bothered'.
Some people ARE tired, exhausted, fatigued. They DO need more rest than others, even if they don't have a 'recognized medical condition'. I am not sure making someone feeling guilty of feeling unwell and taking care of their own health is the right thing to do.

Oh for heaven's sake, sports day is totally different from parents' evening.

I don't want to spend my life totally devoted to my children. I am completely aware that by many MNers' standards that makes me a Very Bad Mother. I really don't care.

We have 5 equally important people in our household. 2 adults. 3 dc. We try and balance all our needs and wishes. But noone gets to be more important than anyone else. Not adults (as happened in my childhood, it all revolved around my father's wishes), nor children.

Paid work trumps sports day as work is not some selfish personality quirk but it benefits the whole family if we have financial stability, maternal sanity etc.

It's not "just one day" either, not at this time of year. This coming week I have for just dd3 sports day, school fete, coastal cafe and music concert (both irritatingly placed at 2pm). And that's just one of the 3 dc.

Loads of Dads miss sports day
that is my observation

It's very unlikely my kids will go to Oxbridge. I have just accepted that.

Totally agree with pretty much everything you've said, OP, and your general stance on this issue, except for the above.

Whether or not you have accepted that your DC won't go to Oxbridge (or Wimbledon) is largely irrelevant. The point is that you have made them accept it.

They may turn out to be fine with the decision you have made for them. Or they may not. I think that when it comes to education (which for me has unimaginable intrinsic value as well as being of practical benefit), a parent has a DUTY to do the best they can. Education is largely about the opportunity to do better, to expand the mind, to appreciate life more fully, to be mentally fulfilled, as well as to increase your child's financial (and therefore, often, emotional and familial) stability and happiness etc etc. Deliberately deciding at a young age to curtail your children's opportunities is regrettable, I think. Ask anyone living in a country where their children have no access to education at all.

Having said that, if it can't be done, it can't be done. If your children are capable enough they will make it anyway. As for Wimbledon (or the Royal Ballet or becoming a rock star or whatever), I think the odds are so, so slim that very often the cost:benefit ratio doesn't work.

But a good university...well, this is a public forum so I think I can say that it is a crying shame not to do what you can to make this happen.

It's not that I don't care about education. I do. But I don't think I am willing to do what is required to send them to the best local schools. I think I could scrape together the tuition fees for one of them. But I would rather have the money to spend on all of us.

I may also have a distorted idea of what is required. I assume it means the very best grammar school, tutoring, lots of time spent on extra curricular activities, etc.

I am willing to do some things, but not what I assume is required for ds to be on track for Oxbridge.

Omg the number of events I have dragged myself to after a night shift over the years!. My Dm taught me that when you love people then you put your needs behind theirs (she still does this for me btw). I sincerely hope when I am old my dcs put my needs above theirs. How are they going to learn to do this other than by example. In a family everyone has to make sacrifices and compromise.

Katy, what you have posted strikes a chord with my own experiences. My mum was always there for sports day, which did not bother me - I would rather not have done sports day, and always felt even more crap for being physically inept in front of an audience.

Mum also worked odd hours, and developed this awful habit of having an afternoon nap that coincided with the time I got home from school. I would have preferred to have a less tired mother who could be bothered to talk to me after school, when I was at my most chatty, than one who showed up to the opening of an envelope at school. I understand where you are coming from.

When DD was at primary, I worked in two part-time roles, one school hours, so that we would have "normal" time together. I wasn't usually able to come to sports day, as my working arrangements left me with little remaining flexibility or holiday.

It's a question of balance. And how important it is to your child.
Some children couldn't care less. Some, it's critical.
I go to some things. Others I miss.
Any child, is only ONE member of a family. They are no more important than any other member. And that means the mum, and the dad, too.

Katy I am aware of what is required to get into Oxbridge (or equivalent) against the odds.

It is, in my opinion, some of what you have said but actually mostly a lot of parental input. I believe a very good (doesn't need to be the very best) local school or grammar school plus extra tuition where necessary is all the (paid for) outside influence you need. The rest comes from the child's home environment. And by that I mean a lot - LOT - of parental input in terms of things like imposing mental and physical discipline, foregoing family outings if they clash with study time, ensuring a home life conducive to enjoying learning, developing your child's intellect and personality yourself etc etc. In many cases, this is normal home life for children - hence why it often seems that the offspring of achievers just seem to slip effortlessly into the best universities. Sometimes it has to be actively brought about.

If you'll allow me to say so, you have always come across in your threads as analytical, educated, and has having good written skills (and a very important healthy sense of humour). In my opinion, you seem to have a lot of what it takes from a parent to do the necessary. And this is without a DH around full time to also contribute.

It is a mistake to think that getting into Oxbridge is all about exam results. These are a given (mostly), and it's true to say you're not going to get in with B, C, and D as A Level results. But, without meaning to sound offensive, there are tonnes of kids out there with great A Level results, and if your kid isn't in line to get them you can pay money to help them achieve those results. But Oxbridge is about mindset, and that is something that no amount of money can buy. It's what you do for your child at home.

Sorry about that - lecture over!

I didn't go to any sports days events this year and didn't feel bad at all

My kids didn't care, if it was a big deal to them I would have gone and with five of them there is always something going on and sometimes something has to give.

I also missed a library visit because I was tired and had already been twice that week with the others so I told DC that I was going to skip that one but promised to be at the next school event.

I have lots of children and two with SN's there are days when I want to just relax and have a good few hours on my own and I don't feel bad about that at all. I go to all their appointments, parenting evenings, IEP/ Statement reviews etc but I will skip the odd school event unless it is really important to them.

I too totally agree with the Oxbridge comment and disagree with TheSunAlwaysShines.Not every child is Oxford material, the next usain bolt, next darcey bussell, etc. Realistically, only one in amillion of the MN children will be.
Accepting that your child is what they are. How can that be bad. If they are law firm partner, or brickie, or whatever.

Oblomov - totally agree. But OP has said that her elder son would have a shot at Oxbridge if she gave it some welly. If she does that and he misses, wherever he does end up will quite possily be just as good (if not better for him, as an individual).

Ultimately, you want to do your best to foster your child's happiness and personal fulfilment (to the extent that is within your gift), wherever that may lie.

There are hardly ever things parents have to go to at our school. I went to something recently and all the reception kids were straining to look for parents and probably only 3 had turned up. The look on their faces was such disappointment. Yes kids have to learn that life can be shit but I plan to teach mine that even when it is their mum and dad will be there for them. So I'll keep going to mindnumbingly boring school events or send grandma to make sure someone is there when they are scanning the audience.

But, MrsDeVere, do you not want them to be as happy as you can make them, and with as good a job (which does not mean as high earning, just what is best for them) as you can?

Goes to Katy's original question: where do you draw the line between your and your children's best interests?

As I said, education for me has such immense intrinsic value to the individual and society that I would sacrifice a lot for it. Other things, less so.

I went to Oxford. From a comprehensive.

I still don't go to bloody sports day