to wonder if putting our children first is always wise?

[KatyTheCleaningLady]

I like to start a discussion I in the morning and then go to work so I have something to pop in on during the day.

Ok, the other day I felt guilty because I was physically exhausted and so blew off sports day in order to rest before a busy evening ferrying kids about.

I felt guilty because I felt like it's wrong not to suffer any inconvenience or discomfort for even the most trivial of my children's pleasure. I "should" suck it up and stand around in the cold watching races just so my kids see me there. But, why? How is it really good for an exhausted mother with aching feet to do this? Isn't it better for mum to be rested and happy at tea time?

Obviously, some things are so important that you carry on, regardless. I didn't cancel a client in order to rest: the money is important to the family. And, if the event had been something truly important, then it would be a different matter. I would stand cold and aching if it was truly important to the child's well being.

I see a lot of threads on here from exhausted, miserable mums who are burnt out and resentful about their lives. Is some of that due to prioritising the family over their own well being?

I would agree that it is not always wise to put dcs first.
However I would love to have had the opportunity to attend my ds's first sports day, but had to tend to other people's kids instead. On that basis I think your reason for not going was not the greatest, no.

When I was at school parents hardly went to anything, and certainly not to sports day -- there is so much more of an expectation now that parents will (and will want to) go to everything. I'm not sure I see what the big deal sports day is, and I haven't been to my children's since DS1 was in reception, when, to be honest, my presence disturbed him.

One of the things I have really noticed in the playground is parents who can't let their children go -- sometimes teachers have to take the parents' hands off their children to lead them into class. I support my children, and I go to things, when I can, that they ask me to, or where they are doing something special. But I can't go to everything and I don't want to, and what's more, I don't think they actually need me to. And that includes, for me, sports day.

..agree aching is not good at all

I agree kids come first, but in a balanced way and they have to learn sometimes they aren't your one and only priority.

My kids learnt this fairly on as their father disappeared and I had to go back to work full time. I could never go to the younger twos sports day/mothers day tea parties etc.
They never complained, but I remember as a child I was gutted that my mum couldn't be at these things (I never blamed her though). I guess it made me more resilient and learn from an early age life wasn't just about me or the same for everyone. It didn't 'damage' me or my children, but if I had a choice I would have been at my DC's sports days.

Depends how old your DC is tbh and only you know how much it means to them, whether you were there or not. For example, a DC aged 12 who hates sport and doesn't see sports day as anything more than a day to sit about with friends, is different from a 5 year old experiencing their first sports day and who had been told mum will come to watch.
It is all relative and I agree needs come before wishes. I don't know whether your tiredness was a greater need than your child seeing you there or not..So not going to judge ! :)

I think this is a vary valid question and maybe your average middle class British mum is a little bit too kiddie focused, to the detriment of other areas of life. I also want to add something else, which I know might be construed as a little over the top. My mum died suddenly when she was 54. In the years since then I've had the leisure to mull over her life. What I love to think about most are the things she did for herself, her hobbies, her passions. The trip she took by herself to the far east. The friendship she rekindled with a university friend. The mediation training she was doing (she'd have been excellent). It benefits no one to have an overly self sacrificing mother. Whn our kids eventually leave home, it'll be for the best if we've spent some time being kind to ourselves and cultivating our own gardens.

I have 2 to attend this year preschool and primary.

primary very last day of term which I thourght was good thing.

but another parent says we screwed if weather bad dident happen last year.

Dd1 was at different school last year and they posphoned until september and it was chaos and stressful she won 2races but had to manage 2younger toddlers running across feild thankfully hubby was there.

But during reception-they had mini beast oplay baby started crying and I had to leave early felt terrible, dd was upset and another mum kept saying how amazing it was and shame I missed it.

Xmas nativity was ok as they had common sense to do it evening.

but had to leave school carol concert early due to crying toddlers.

I do my best to try get to greet the blooming teacher afternoons, take them all social events , help on pta but as sahm mum im shattered and life does revolve around them as hubbys always working.

Recently we missed few parties and brownies as they like to do trips miles away cant do it all.

My mother used to make a big deal of going to certain school events, and always, without fail told me before hand "I am going to re-arrange my day at great inconvenience to myself (OK she didn't phrase it exactly like that) in order to attend your parents evening/ sports day/ school play/ presentation assembly so that your teachers will see I'm a good mother - she actually made a point of pointing out directly, to me, both that it was inconvenient for her and that she was doing it to show my teachers she was a good mother (i.e. it had nothing to do with supporting me) for as long as I can remember, every single time she had to attend something. Then she always bustled in very late (usually after whatever bit I had been involved in), carrying too many bags, making a big fuss and flurry so everyone would see that she was there, and that she was rushing due to being so busy, busy, busy...

Not going is sometimes better.

However tired is a pants excuse. For the 2 years that my youngest woke up 5 or more times a night I wouldn't have even thought of not going to my older children's events because I was tired - its not their fault, and its rubbish for children to be the only ones unsupported or to feel they are not important to their parents or their parents don't want to support them and would rather sit at home "resting" (unless of course the parent is ill and actually genuinely needs to rest).

The "Happy Mummy Happy Baby/ children" line is trite and self indulgent and trotted out by those types who want to have everything their way - they want to look as if they put everyone else first, so they try to convince themselves and others that they are not going on a spa day/ away on holiday without the children/ out on the piss/ spending the grocery money on wine because they want to, no - they are doing it for the children!

That said everyone needs to put themselves first sometimes and there is nothing wrong with being a bit selfish if it does no actual harm to anyone else - I do wish people would just admit that is what they are doing though, and not try to argue that they are putting themselves first for their children's sake! :o

That said everyone needs to put themselves first sometimes and there is nothing wrong with being a bit selfish if it does no actual harm to anyone else - I do wish people would just admit that is what they are doing though, and not try to argue that they are putting themselves first for their children's sake!

^ this exactly^

I'm not into the "children first always" idea. Apart from anything else, I look at my daughters and what I do not want is for me to put them first totally just so they can grow up and put their DCs first totally, it seems pointless - who is going to enjoy life? Just the childless?

There needs to be balance in family life. It's supposed to be life for everyone and I don't think it does children any good to see their wants and needs prioritised to the exclusion of everyone else's (nor vice versa).

I think it's a shame to let your DCs (or anyone) down though. If I'd said I'd go to sports day, or if they were really enthusiastic about sport, I probably would have gone. But I'd arrange some downtime for another point, which would probably mean them not getting something else.

I don't stop going to kids things because I am exhausted. Being exhausted is part of my life as a mum. I do not complain about being exhausted and I do not make a thing of going to all the events I have been to over the years. Now I am working again after 15 years as a sahm I can't go to everything, but on my days off I do.
I personally think you should have gone to sports day.

btw I am no martyr, I make sure I have time to myself and do some of the things I want to do. Of course the kids must come first but I come a pretty close second.

Wouldn't it be great if schools stopped opening sports day to parents and then children would get on with it without wishing their parents were there, parents would stop feeling they have to be there (or torturing themselves about not being there) and, really, everyone would be better off.

just a thought...

I have 5 DC, a grandchild and a giant number of nieces, nephews and godchildren all of whom have these sorts of event and invite me along. All of my DC attend different schools, except the eldest who works.

I hate it, I hate going to the school/activities and dealing with the teachers. I go to things that matter from an information perspective, so parents evening, meetings about their GCSE options, meetings for the school trip. I try to send grandparents to the nativity/play. I don't go to sports day because my kids are good at sport and have a great day, me being there does nothing for them.

Generally I think a bit of wilful neglect goes a long way, I'm one of 8, we couldn't always have the attention and generally things revolved around the family as a whole rather than individuals, I think it taught independence and flexibility. I try to recreate this for my DC.

In theory, I agree with making the child aware that the mother has needs too. however, as a teacher, I see what a difference it makes to the child. THose that don't have their parents there, often (now I realise I am generalising, but you get my point) don't both performing properly. Also, I think there is judgemental game going on, where certain parents will look down on others who are not there....
Having said all that, I thnk it is important for a parent to make an appearance, not necessarily to be there all the time. They can pop their head in, give a wave, and disappear....

This thread is making me want to book a holiday away without my children, just to see what all of you say.

and anyone with school age kids knows that christmas and end of summer term is really, really busy. You know it's coming, just get on with it

motherinferior I say go for it (as long as you have somebody trusted and loving to leave them with) just admit you are doing it because you feel like it, and don't try to convince yourself and everyone else you are doing it for your children in some round about way!

I could probably be accused of being a martyr to my DC. But I was a Sahm so it was not difficult to attend all my DC's school events and I wanted to. I have heard so many stories from my friends about being 'the one' whose parents were always late or never came or wouldn't take them to parties/brownies/events that I figured these were important issues. I also thought that being actually in their face at school was a no no, so past primary was only in school for these events, not PTA etc. Once they got older and embarrassable they got to choose if I went or not eg one DC wanted me at the post graduation dinner, one didn't.

I think I got it right, but appreciate others think differently.

Oh, and I had holidays away from my DC; several :)

I always go to sports day etc but I don't indulge my childrens every whim. Mil was shocked the other day because I wouldn't switch the TV over to cbeebies when I was trying to watch the news. She often says that she always put her children first and raises an eyebrow at me. It's give and take in our house.

I don't put myself first for my children's sake, but I think it's better for my children that I do it. If that makes any sense.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all - you said that Granny went, plus you told them that you probably wouldnt make it - I certainly don't think that they are going to grow up scarred for life by your missing sports day!

The replies to this thread are interesting though - and I can see mums on all parts of the 'spectrum' of 'over-fussing' type mums (who insist on going to EVERYTHING, and helping in class at every available opportunity) through to 'totally absent, let the au pair attend' type mums!

I personally think that we fuss Waaaaaay too much over our kids nowadays - one mum at my sons school wasn't going to let her reception year child go on his school trip because the teachers said that she wasnt needed as a helper...."what if he needs me" was her retort! Its pathetic (although I didnt tell her that) that she doesnt trust the school / the teachers / her son to go on a school trip without her.

Ok, it would've been nice (for your children) if you'd been at sports day, but you were knackered, your mum (or MIL) went, its fine! Kids shouldn't come first in every situation, otherwise they will never learn that life is about give and take, compromise, you can't always have what you want etc etc.

Oh and I think tired I'd a perfectly acceptable excuse, as is just not wanting to.

My DC are under no illusions, they know I do lots of things for them I don't want to do but sometimes its just too much, and I can't face going to watch their class to some poem recital or another showing of work. They don't care because I spend time in other ways.

Well, actually I do think maternal unhappiness rebounds on children. My mother spent years at home with us, and/or in work that didn't fulfil her, and it made her deeply miserable and therefore us quite miserable and it made me scared shitless of having kids in case they wrecked my life too.

Now she is an eminent translator and editor and is spending her late 70s showered with awards and frankly I wish she'd got it together earlier, not martyred herself.

I do think my kids get other benefits from me that not all kids get. I take them away for days of museums and shopper and movies for one on one time. So, while I'm sometimes too exhausted to do too much in the evening, at least the money I earn will pay for these outings.

I wouldn't be able to keep this up indefinitely. My husband will come home from Scotland, someday, and then we will be able to balance things between us.