to wonder if putting our children first is always wise?

[KatyTheCleaningLady]

I like to start a discussion I in the morning and then go to work so I have something to pop in on during the day.

Ok, the other day I felt guilty because I was physically exhausted and so blew off sports day in order to rest before a busy evening ferrying kids about.

I felt guilty because I felt like it's wrong not to suffer any inconvenience or discomfort for even the most trivial of my children's pleasure. I "should" suck it up and stand around in the cold watching races just so my kids see me there. But, why? How is it really good for an exhausted mother with aching feet to do this? Isn't it better for mum to be rested and happy at tea time?

Obviously, some things are so important that you carry on, regardless. I didn't cancel a client in order to rest: the money is important to the family. And, if the event had been something truly important, then it would be a different matter. I would stand cold and aching if it was truly important to the child's well being.

I see a lot of threads on here from exhausted, miserable mums who are burnt out and resentful about their lives. Is some of that due to prioritising the family over their own well being?

Oh Katy, bit close to the bone but there may be some thruth in there.

When I was a SAHM I once missed an Open Day where the kids were showing their work, the thought it was a shame I wasn't there but it was not a big deal. I did not go because I forgot.

This year I went to sports day, but really, I did not feel it was important as such. I am there watching so many of their matches and events ( judo, cricket and rugby) that think it is fair enough to not turn up every now and then.

OP was tired. Well done for looking after yourself.

I DO think many women put their family first ALL the time, whereas men are better able to look after their own interests when needed.

MrsMiniver
I have to say the way you describes how tired you were, that you needed sunglasses on etc... made me think you wanted to emphasize the fact you made a huge effort to be there for your dcs sports day.

It can be taken either as the fact you are ready to do a lot for your dcs and put aside your own needs.
Or that you are happy being 'a martyr' for what you think is your dcs well-being.

I think the point of the whole discussion is
1- whether being there at sports day is really essential to a child's well-being (I personally think it depends on what other parents are doing. If very few come, it's less likely to be an issue for the child if you aren't coming too. And also whether your child sees it as something important, eg he might want to show you his skills in running)
2- how far is it healthy to go in putting your needs (emotional and physical) over the needs of your dcs.

There is also the issue of when you need to be at two different events for 2 different dcs at two different places but... all at the same time.

What do you do then? Will you think that you seriously harming one of the dcs by attending the other one's vent?

Surely if you get to the point of utter exhaustion so that you cant attend sports day then you aren't taking care of yourself anyway

YABU

Precisely because sports day only happens once a year (if your kids are at the same school) and most schools give plenty of warning for your calendar so you can arrange time off work.

Your kids may say they don't mind but it's interesting how when a lot of people reflect on their childhoods and their parents' interest in them, sports day is oft quoted as "oh they never came.." Or "they never missed it"

I get that you're tired. That is part and parcel of being a parent though, as is sports day.

But why is being tired part and parcel of being a parent?

Sure, staying update all night with sick kid is part of the deal, and you will then be tired.

But why is tired the generally expected state of things?

In my case, I had worked extra weekend days, so it was an unusual occurrence. (And a learning experience. I got another call from someone needing an emergency Saturday clean, and named an outrageous price that clearly stunned them. As expected /hoped, they went elsewhere ).

Anyway, I don't think it's really important to do sports day, while others might. If someone had said George Clooney would be there, I bet I would have discovered reserves of energy

But, I think the crux is that people think that the virtue lies in the sacrifice, itself. I don't agree.

I do get frustrated by people who act like the whole world revolves around their DCs.

My SIL is dreadful and is always changing plans around her DD, so much so her XH is dictated to as to what he has to do with her on his weekends with his DD.

Another friend of mine is always asking me to pick up her DS in case her 3 YO DD falls asleep in the car which would be inconvenient to her.

These are just 2 of many examples I see.

HOWEVER I think not going to sports day as you are tired is not really on, not booking in hundreds of after school activities because you want some time where you are not ferrying kids around would be fine as I don't think parents whole worlds should revolve around kids and sometimes they cannot go to every party and activity etc.

I take a fold up chair.
Sorry op I do think that one parent should be there.
It's once a year, not every week.

Just to clarify my DCs are of course my priority and I do lots with them but I can't stand hearing marytr-like comments.

One of my kids could be the next Andy Murray, but we'll never know because I am not willing to make the sacrifices necessary to bring up a champion. Similarly, while I like earning money so my kids have some nice things, I won't work myself to death so they can go to private school.

My children's chances at Oxbridge and Wimbledon are curtailed by my personal choices.

Other parents do make those sacrifices.

Badvoc, sports day is once a year, but there are several events a year. I go to most of them, not all. But, it's more than one day a year.

So I have to ask, if you're already curtailing your childrens' potential, why did you have them OP?

ladyrabbit that is not true. I had 3 weeks notice for ds2 sports day last year but I could not take he day off because I had meetings booked

That's right Katy, why did you have children at all if they're not going to go to Oxbridge or Wimbledon?

I mean... really?

Well...you asked for opinions op.
And now you have some.
It's 2 hours out of my life.
And - for me - that is not to onerous.

"why is tired being art and parcel of being a parent"
At various stages it just is .

I am questioning if you are so good at work/life balance why you are too tired to go to sportsday ?

Those of you saying 'It's once a year' -- in the past two weeks, DD has had four events in school time to which parents were invited. Sports day is two days next week.

And I have children at two other schools as well. For one of those, I've had time off for their orthodontist, music exam, end of term concert; for the other, an open day visit and a morning drop off for a school trip. Summer terms get ridiculously busy.

I don't think I'll be going to sports day. I'm sure DD can continue the family record of Coming Last in Everything without me.

I do know someone who believes that. Her parents put her and her siblings through private schools, paying all the way up through their PhDs and she believes that this is simply good parenting. She says she wouldn't have children if she couldn't do the same. When asked how lower income people should feel about that, she just shrugs and smiles and repeats "I just think being a parent means being able to do what is necessary."

Honestly it's just b*cks to say it's once a year, there is stuff on all the time

I am probably not great at work life balance if I get physically run down on a regular basis. But I earned an extra £250 last week, which will benefit the whole family.

I think you do need to put your own needs first sometimes, otherwise you are no good to anyone. Sports day is just not that important to some.

As for curtailing your children's potential or whatever nonsense it was, what a load of cock!

I was pondering this the other day. I am very much a "turn up to everything" type mum, but I looked after 2 of dd1's friends last week who made me think about it.

Both of these children (aged 8) come from families where the parents, for various reasons, never attend school events. Their parents (different families) are likely to not realise about non-uniform days/school trips etc so the two girls are often the ones in the wrong clothes, or without a packed lunch when they need one... My own dd would be mortified if that happened, however these 2 are both much more emotionally resilient than mine, they seem very happy and confident and are both delightful children to be around. Whether this is down to not being centre of attention all the time, or not, I don't know!

I love going to sports day and so does dh, I booked a day off work and dh rearranged his hours! However I understand some people don't feel the same and that's fine. But I don't think going to sports day and the like can be equated with pandering to everything - some people think its a big deal, and judging by one little boys tears today because his mother had to rush off for work it's a big deal to some kids, too.

I don't think she was wrong rushing off the work by the way - she did come for some, and some people just can't get time off and that's life.. But I think not going because you are tired is a bit U, sorry.

Luis, is it really a load of cock? I mean, I don't think anybody gets to the Olympics without their parents making a huge investment in the activities from a young age. And, unless the kid is a super genius, getting from the council estate to Oxbridge will often require a lot of hard work and sacrifice by the parents.

It's very unlikely my kids will go to Oxbridge. I have just accepted that. Even though one of them is very bright and would, in a different family, be on that path. Other parents move heaven and earth to help their children achieve. I just settle for happy and healthy because it's all I'm willing to work for.