to wonder if putting our children first is always wise?

[KatyTheCleaningLady]

I like to start a discussion I in the morning and then go to work so I have something to pop in on during the day.

Ok, the other day I felt guilty because I was physically exhausted and so blew off sports day in order to rest before a busy evening ferrying kids about.

I felt guilty because I felt like it's wrong not to suffer any inconvenience or discomfort for even the most trivial of my children's pleasure. I "should" suck it up and stand around in the cold watching races just so my kids see me there. But, why? How is it really good for an exhausted mother with aching feet to do this? Isn't it better for mum to be rested and happy at tea time?

Obviously, some things are so important that you carry on, regardless. I didn't cancel a client in order to rest: the money is important to the family. And, if the event had been something truly important, then it would be a different matter. I would stand cold and aching if it was truly important to the child's well being.

I see a lot of threads on here from exhausted, miserable mums who are burnt out and resentful about their lives. Is some of that due to prioritising the family over their own well being?

Everyone's priorities are different.
I work f/t running my own business but have missed few school events or matches, simply because I WANT to be there. I love seeing what they have achieved and celebrating with them. Craft day was my favourite when they were little I regularly lose a nights sleep to catch up on what I missed during the day while the kids are sleeping - I won't work when they are with me. They'll be grown up soon and I don't want to miss a thing, so I won't have Nannies etc.... I insist on doing it myself, and what I sacrifice is 'me' time. But I don't feel I need it. I am probably like this because my Mum was like you. She found any excuse not to come to anything that didn't interest her. I made out I didn't care, but inside my heart was breaking

If you're regularly losing a night's sleep you're putting your health at serious risk. That's your choice, but it's not one I'm willing to make. I would in any case be unable to focus on sports day for exhaustion. Let alone work (which I consider rather more important than sports day...)

amazingmum you may indeed co-op this story. The more the merrier.

Hilariously, said Mum didn't even bat an eyelid when I told her that I am dyslexic ...

And somehting takeway said earlier rang true to me. The word bereft. Dyslexia Mum and her DC were always bereft. Never a bit peed off. Or a bit grumpy. Always bereft. And she would tell me this, with a look on her face that made it quite clear I was meant to undertsnad the enormity of the situation.

I wonder how on earth folk like this react to real life, like, you know, actual problems...

I wouldn't voluntarily skip sleep for anything. However I do think it's important to be there. One of the mums is the hr director at a huge company her dh works ft as well. Yet she was there for sports day and I see her dropping them off and picking up from after school.
Bottom line is if you can't be there because of work then fair enough, but if you aren't there because you're a bit tired or your feet hurt then personally I think that's a bit disappointing for the child.

It's not always disappointing for the child though is it?

If they are not that fussed if you are there or not?
Ds1 has district sports today. He is 14
I asked if he wanted me to come. He said no.

I was quietly relieved.

MrsDeVere - you are absolutely right and that is the beauty of being the boss. That said, I positively encourage my employees to attend their children's events, both Mums and Dads if they are in work hours.

Of course we have kids at school whose parents just cannot make it and in those cases we all rally around, make a fuss and take pictures to email to Mum. But not turning up because you are tired? Just don't get it.

And as for lack of sleep - 3 kids in 5 years with a DH who works away - I had to learn to function on no sleep, I am sure I'm not the only one...!

word - was this mum a SAHM then? doesn't matter actually. what matters is that she was being a dick

what bugs me is that even if she was right about the dyslexia thing - how is that helpful?
Isn't it bad enough to have to deal with a dyslexic child's emotional and practical needs - because it is extra energy, time, money etc - why make a parent feel guilty?

we all try to do the best for our children. whether SAHM or WOHM, bf ot ff, purees or BLW and so on - I think it would be much better if people could feel that whatever they are doing their choices are respected.

yes, there are some odd cookies, but even they think they are doing what's best, so why make each other feel worse or guilty?
Agree to disagree is such a good thing - and so is trying to understand the other person.

I hate self-righteousness, such a horrid attitude.

If the outcome of something really doesn't matter either way, I much prefer to be kind instead of being right.

but yes, thanks for permission, that quote is going in my Fake Facts collection.
like my friend's drunken rant about how Stonehenge is just the leftover bits of giants playing Jenga!!!

You have just made me realise something MrsDeV

I have been to who knows how many school events, concerts, sports days, assemblies over the last 11 years with 3 DCs.

I have never, in that whole time looked at a child and thought, oh little x looks so sad because his parents aren't here. Never.

Which makes me think that actually, all the children are fine. They know if the parents aren't coming, and actually they are ok with that.
I have never seen sobbing, emotionally damaged children.
But listening to some people you would think there would have been loads of them.

Maybe people should just do whatever is right for their families and that's it? Rather than over analyzing every single thing?

And look forward to the time when your 14 year old says "no mother. I don't want you to come to my district sports. I want to sit with my friends"

It's great, I gave him money for lunch, breathed a sigh of relief and went to work.

Why is Sports Day considered such a chore ? DS had his yesterday, it lasted less than two hours and was fun apart from the sceechy kids on the bouncy castle. I dont know if its because DS's school is small (just over 90) but they manage to keep it fun and not too sporty

what is fun to some one isnt fun to everyone though is it?

I went to ds2 district sports on wednesday and I enjoyed it. But sports day at our school is bizarre. They go round in groups to different events so you either have to follow them around and get in the way or stay in one spot and just catch a glimpse.

Oh and with DS2 yesterday.....when we arrived his teacher had a quite word that he had been upset that we wern't there as we had said. He hadn't realised they were to go out on the field before parents arrived. Though I'm sure if he had known we couldn't be there (as his Dad hasn't attended assemblies) he would be ok.

I didnt attend a few of DS1's events due to work, I'm sure he would of preferred me to be there but knows that was not always possible

Late to this but I have to say that while in principle I agree with you, I think it very much depends on how important sports day was to your child. If he didn't care that much then of course, take a day off, put your feet up. If it was a big deal, he really really wanted you to see him balance an egg on a spoon or fall over in a sack, they you need to suck it up. Having been working ever since my kids were tiny we have really struggled to make it to all our kids school events that mattered but always found a good compromise - take a day off work, work through lunch and leave early, get my parents to go instead. Now DS1 has finished school and he has been recruited to help with the 'at least one bum on a seat' campaign for DS2 now that the end of summer term school madness has started.

But having children is a great deal about sacrifice. Don't want to come over all burning martyr, but it's true. It won't last forever, I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and am beginnnig to miss it beleive it or not....

Not all sports days are 2 hours though - ours was 5 - FIVE - hours - of watching kids run round a field over and under hurdles, balancing a bean bag on their head - watching them have an ice-pop during a half hour break, do it for another hour - breaking for a picnic lunch on the field etc... oh- except for the kids who had school dinners - they had to eat alone in the hall ...

HELL for parents who do turn up - let alone those who get the guilts for not turning up - thank God youngest is Y6 now -their secondary doesn't have parents present at inter-house sports day! I turned up for 30 min when I knew DD would be doing her favourite event - chucking a ball in a netball net - for 10 min in that time slot... she was happy...

I work in school. I've only once seen a child upset because their parent didn't turn up and that was because she had promised. She was a serial offender (and not working) and would promise to turn up to plays/sports days etc and then just not come, which is a shitty thing to do.

I don't see the big deal with sports day. Go if you want. Don't go if you don't. But don't make a child a promise and then not be there unless you've got a good reason.

youthecat that is precisely why I never promise anything. nothing, ever.

Instead I tell my children that the only thing I promise is that I will always love them - everything else is just a plan!

What a great line that is amazingmum - really like your promise/plan thing !

The assumption is that Sports Day is a source of pride and joy to all children.

To me- dyspraxic, clumsy, lazy and terminally bored by sports- they were at best the most boring day of the year, at worst a source of ritual humiliation. Having my nearest and dearest turning up to watch me being either bored or humiliated would hardly have improved the occasion.

They got plenty of opportunities to see me actually do something I felt good about. Sports Day was not it.

Well exactly Laqueen.

Some parents are indeed rather rubbish and I hate all this "happy mummy, happy child" guff. Sometimes I make choices that make me happy and DS less so - this is the case when he goes to afterschool so I can slot in exercise after work, but I don't try to make out that it's some kind of fundamental human right, or me being some kind of marvellous by putting myself first. I'm prioritising my own needs over DS's and I'm sure he would be happier if I just picked him up.

I'm not saying that the OP is rubbish as it does depend very much on how much it matters to the DCs that she is there and how much they are loved generally.

When I was at DS's Sports day the other week I could see that all the children that I knew had parents there, oh and btw there was a slight preference towards Dads just to dispel the myth that this stuff is not important to men.

If a parent can't be there because of work that they can't get out of, then that again is fine, no judging on my part. I just hope they impart that information in the right way to their DC though as in "I wanted to be there, you are important to me, but I cannot take the day off work. X's parent will be there to cheer you on and will let me know how you get on in each race. Let's go out for pizza tonight and you can tell me all about it," rather than " I'm at work," or "I didn't bother because I don't like sports days."

( I should point out that he is only in afterschool two days a week and one of those are necessary for work.)

"X's parent will be there to cheer you on and will let me know how you get on in each race. Let's go out for pizza tonight and you can tell me all about it," "

Eternally grateful my parents didn't go in for that one.