to wonder if putting our children first is always wise?

[KatyTheCleaningLady]

I like to start a discussion I in the morning and then go to work so I have something to pop in on during the day.

Ok, the other day I felt guilty because I was physically exhausted and so blew off sports day in order to rest before a busy evening ferrying kids about.

I felt guilty because I felt like it's wrong not to suffer any inconvenience or discomfort for even the most trivial of my children's pleasure. I "should" suck it up and stand around in the cold watching races just so my kids see me there. But, why? How is it really good for an exhausted mother with aching feet to do this? Isn't it better for mum to be rested and happy at tea time?

Obviously, some things are so important that you carry on, regardless. I didn't cancel a client in order to rest: the money is important to the family. And, if the event had been something truly important, then it would be a different matter. I would stand cold and aching if it was truly important to the child's well being.

I see a lot of threads on here from exhausted, miserable mums who are burnt out and resentful about their lives. Is some of that due to prioritising the family over their own well being?

I know EXACTLY the sort of mum some of you are referring to. There was one time my son had thought that I was doing the 'stay and play' session at school at 3pm. Obviously I didn't turn up (there was never even a chat about it - I had no idea)... he got picked up by another boy's mum and off they went to their house to play. All ok. That mum didn't even say anything to me because it was NOT A BIG DEAL. My son did mention it that evening, I apologised but said I didn't know we were doing 'stay and play' and said that I was at work etc. He understood.. crisis over... OR SO I THOUGHT.

The next day, the nosy annoying mum came up to me (she hardly speaks to me) and said 'oh takeaway, it was such a pity to see your DS's sad face yesterday when he realised that you were not coming....you should have come'. I said to her 'I didn't know there was stay and play, and we didn't even talk about it'. 'oh but his face was so sad. He looked so broken...'. FFS!

Personally I think you could let her go to her friend's drama group as well as dancing cass - it might be good for her confidence ?! Two groups a week plus the weekend swim ?
Mind you I agree the DCs can't do everything (so much on offer),

• and I've asked mine to choose between activities sometimes as well.

Children need to be bored, then they have to think of something to do to entertain themselves.

juggling if cass doesn't want to do two activities a week, why should she?

Maybe it cuts into her telly watching time? Or just generally is more than she wants to do. So what if it could be good for the daughter's confidence. I'm sure dance is, too.

Not everyone wants to be "juggling".

cereal I agree.
being bored every now and then is ok - bit of head space etc.

also if mine pester me coz they are bored I tell them to dust the book shelf.
interestingly they can immediately think of something better to do

Juggling - Trust me my dd is not lacking in confidence - far from it. She was in a dance show at the local civic theatre last weekend and is the narrator in the KS2 performance of the wizard of oz at the end of term. She has a grade 2 ballet exam in 2 weeks and has extra lessons this weekend and next week for that. She is training for the bronze medal in swimming. The point is that for me having time at home is just as important. We have just got home from school and both dc's are happily playing in the garden, my friends kids never go in the garden because they are never at home. My friend is constantly frazzled and her life chaotic to the point that she is at breaking point - yet she still wants to do more with the kids. Why. If I allow dd to do the drama group then I have to allow ds the opportunity to do something else as well. At the moment dd does dancing on a monday, ds football on a wednesday and they both swim on saturday morning. The drama group in on a tuesday so theoretically we can fit it in but if ds wants to do something else on say a thursday or friday then that leaves just 1 night a week to do homework. Both dc's get homework on monday to be handed in on friday. To my mind that is too much running around especially as I don't drive and for the sake of fareness and sanity I limit activities to 1 each during the week.

Interestingly, neither myself or the kids are ever ill. Both kids have had 100% attendance at school for the last 2 years and the year before that were only off for 5 days each due to chicken pox. Perhaps there is something to be said for having more time at home.

LaQueen - can you be our class rep?!?!

Some dc thrive through activity others through academia, they are all different.
My dd is the former and until recently didn't have a night off at all. Now she has activities on sat, tues, thurs and hopefully wed as well from september.
I don't think there is any magic number of the right or wrong amount of activities or classes your dc decide to do. its really more about how parents wish to manage the family time and how much they intend to pay.

[Bursts with slacker pride as I hear dcs rampaging round sitting room pretending to be walruses whilst I MN. Although they are 14 and 9 ]

cassgate is absolutely correct. We are mollycoddling children nowadays it is ridiculous. Life is about balance. Keeping up with the Joneses is another one.

Driving ourselves into the ground is insanity. Quality is what is important. If you don't look after yourself how can you look after your children.

I didn't go last year as I'm usually working and my DD came home with loads of gold 1st place stickers. I felt shocked coz I didn't know she was any good! This year both dc are at the same school so I went. The sun was shining, P T A did great tea cakes and coffee and kids got lots of stickers and cheers ( especially when my DS finished the 150 m and carried on running, joining in with the 600 m! ) lol but lots of cheers from other parents is soo supportive. It might be the last time we can both go and watch them together but it was a great day to remember.

Also do agree with keeping a couple of school nights activity free to keep on top of homework situation cass, and if you don't drive then of course it's sensible to take that into account too.
Thinking about it my DC do several activities together which means you kill two birds with one stone as it were.

That's the thing though I don't think it's 'these days', I think it's just about becoming a parent and coming to terms with the limitations and efforts involved in being one. My DS didn't sleep through the night until he was 4.5, at the time I remember my Mum being able to show great understanding as did my Dad, come to think of it because my brother had been very similar. Equally, I along with my brother and many of our peers were ferryed around to regional Cello and Piano competitions, music lessons, dancing classes, football practice and matches on Sunday mornings, tennis club. So IME I don't believe prioritising your child is anything new.

takeaway there were a couple of Mums like that in my DC's primary school; always seeing sadness and damage in perfectly lovely well loved and cared for DC.

One would link any problem to the fact that the Mother worked. She didn't know I worked from home so would tell me these stories expecting a kindred spirit. She once even asked me if I'dnoticed that all the DC with dyslexia had working mothers ...

Ahhh yes like the mum who told me dc cried at sport day,inconsolably sobbing where's mummy
Clearly mixing it,and being provocative.such a shame I work,missing precious moment
Not knowing they'd spent day with another mother and shed filmed whole event

Not directing this at you by any means at all OP but my DH (a builder) is working on a school atm in a very very 'naice' area (state school but one very sought after where mums rush from the maternity ward to put their childs name down )

One day he was talking to a lady there and asked her if she was a teacher and she said no she was a counsellor for pupils having problems.

My DH expressed surprise at the need for this in 'Naiceareaville' and said surely the children here are all really well cared for, housed, plenty of activities funded etc etc.

The lady assured him she was very much needed and utilised as many of the parents are money rich, time poor and just throw the latest phone or game at their kids instead of spending time with them or whatever when really all they need is a hug ,or some affection.

I repeatI am not suggesting this is you OP ! just making a point.

word incredible isn't it? This same woman made a huge fuss when it was non-uniform day and she'd forgotten (so kid was in uniform). Coincidentally so was my son (I'd forgotten too). I just said 'oh well it's ok. It's school. They should wear uniform' and left it. My son was cool. He did bring in his gift for the tombola though (yes I remembered the prize but forgot the so called incentive of not wearing uniform!!!).

Her dd on the other hand was bereft at wearing her uniform and it was mostly because she kept going on about the damn uniform and that mummy was sorry and how bad it was etc. ffs woman! Get a grip!

Sounds about right. I don't have time for her though. Or more specifically I don't have time for her antics. I really don't. I barely have time to have toilet time (hence why I'm constipated!!).

I missed DS's sports day last year. It coincided with a conference call that I couldn't get out of ( or perhaps with hindsight I could have just said I wasn't dialling in). DH went, so no problem thought I, assuming it would be like the nursery one where they all did group things and if any child managed to cross the line it was a blinkin miracle.

Well DH texted me that DS won his first race, then another for his second, then his third and fourth. Clean sweep in all his races and I wasn't there to see it. Yes I had it recorded by DH and I'm sure DS was happy because DH was there.

But I wasn't there and I had to put myself on mute from the conference and go to the loos and have a few moments to myself - which probably makes me sound really wet, but what do I care. It has become my line in the sand, where I will be there no matter what. This year both DH and I were there (DH attends all parents evenings and we both try to go to other events or split them 50/50). DS did well, but wasn't quite as successful as last year.

Maybe for the OPs kids sports day isn't that important, maybe they aren't bothered if she is there. But I know that this stuff matters to DS, he always wants me to help on Beaver outings or be present where I can and I want to as well.

I don't think it's right to be a martyr - I changed my hours, but deliberately kept DS in afterschool two days a week, although strictly speaking he only needs to be in for one, but I use that other couple of hours after work to go to the gym/do household shopping or just have a wee bit of time to myself. Means that Dh gets to exercise in the evenings and I'm not trying to squeeze in my sessions as well.

She once even asked me if I'd noticed that all the DC with dyslexia had working mothers

Word Am I allowed to quote that as fact from now on, please?

how ridiculous....