to wonder if putting our children first is always wise?

[KatyTheCleaningLady]

I like to start a discussion I in the morning and then go to work so I have something to pop in on during the day.

Ok, the other day I felt guilty because I was physically exhausted and so blew off sports day in order to rest before a busy evening ferrying kids about.

I felt guilty because I felt like it's wrong not to suffer any inconvenience or discomfort for even the most trivial of my children's pleasure. I "should" suck it up and stand around in the cold watching races just so my kids see me there. But, why? How is it really good for an exhausted mother with aching feet to do this? Isn't it better for mum to be rested and happy at tea time?

Obviously, some things are so important that you carry on, regardless. I didn't cancel a client in order to rest: the money is important to the family. And, if the event had been something truly important, then it would be a different matter. I would stand cold and aching if it was truly important to the child's well being.

I see a lot of threads on here from exhausted, miserable mums who are burnt out and resentful about their lives. Is some of that due to prioritising the family over their own well being?

Sorry can't say I've read all the posts on here because some are just making me
I'm a pt time sahm, with three kids -primary/nursery age.

I choose whether or not I attend sports days/assemblies blargh blargh blargh on the balance of whatever else is going on at home & work.

Event attendance does not = putting kids first.

Clearly some people turn up for the sake of being seen to be there - by other parents - because it's an important part to play in the Parent Of The Year contest.

Event attendance is also not necessarily an important way to show your kids love. However, increasingly around here where we live there's a notion that attending/being involved with school events is perhaps only one down from making sure your kids are fed and clothed.

Katy I adore my parents - me and my siblings all do - and they are now wonderful grandparents to my sisters kids, and soon to be to my first little one. I have absolutely no idea if they came to sports day or not as a child. BUT I do remember the little things - like my mum, in the summer, even though when were short of money, bringing us little drinks when it was hot at the end of school - in case we were thirsty. It is the little things that show this every day that counts I think. We were quite resilient kids - has stood us all well in life. Also I have friends from Oxbridge - TBH a lot of them have found it really hard to get work after. It sounds glam, but a decent useful degree going into a secure prof can be more useful IMO. It CAN be awesome too - but it certainly wont scar them not going, conversely over pushy parenting can do - you sound like a wonderful mother BTW. xx

My parents never went to anything at all. I was always the kid without anyone there as foster carers didn't bother. Maybe that is why I go to everything .

I think kids need to learn that parents can be at their beck and call all the time. My parents went to the important things - concerts I was performing in, and big school plays (my dad would go one night and my mum the next, for example, so I always had someone there), but both my parents worked full-time and couldn't take mornings off to come to tea/coffee mornings or open days or shows of my work in school.

Honestly, I preferred it. It meant they saved their holidays for when I wasn't in school and I got quality time with them for a week or two at a time each summer. That's more important to me, imo.

MissStrawberry, I think it's normal to overcompensate for things we lacked as a child. Not that you are OVER compensating.

My parents were very, very thrifty and my mum never bought any junk food or sweets. And while they sent me to art camps and funded music lessons, they never spent money on trivial treats and all of my clothes came from charity shops because my mum thought fashion for children was silly.

So, guess who now gives her kids lots of "treats" ranging from sweets to comic books to whatever catches the kid's eye?

Showmethemummy, speak for yourself- I don't go to sports day to compete in some imagined 'Parent competition', I am going as my DS YR 1 is very excited that he has beaten one of the fastest boys in a running race in the practice sports day and he wants me to witness it if it happens again. I am a SAHM mostly although have recently taken some work on and it's not going to be a problem for me to go with my 2 year old DD, who will probably want to join in everything but so what- I'll cope. They have a toddler race at the end of the event and DS is desperate for DD to take part. My DP often works late and is turning up to watch Sports day as time off in lieu. He is doing this to watch his son on Sports day, to make him happy, believe me he has absolutely no interest in what the other parents think of him as a father. I equally do not care what people think about my attendance.

Goldenbear, someone else very early in the thread said that they do worry about what other mums think. Don't take it personally.

I don't care about the other mums, and will even go so far as to say that I avoid interaction with them at the school gate. But, I think I have ishoos .

It was hard not to feel judged and found wanting last year with people texting me what a shame it was that I couldnt go and how the were cheering for my ds.

I think the parents who go to everything know who is there or not.

I avoid interaction at the school gates to and am very anti-social as I never have a clue what to say to people and exude awkwardness. Despite this I have parents approach me as my DS is very sociable and he is friends with their children. This is why I take umbrage at people saying that parents' sole reason for attending these events is to look devoted- it isn't!

Katy and Folk girl, I am no good at bed rest. If it wasn't sports day and I had not taken annual leave I would have worked from home. I took a deck chair which another mum kindly carried around the events for me. The other mums got me drinks. I had more help and sympathy and advice about heavy periods at sports day than i would have done stuck at home on my own.

I think it all depends on how important it would be for your children to be there.
As a child I never really liked sports day. It was ok, but not the highlight of my life.

I did like it that my mum was there. But if she wasn't... I didn't care about that either. I was ok with both options.

If you're really tired and you really need a rest and the kids don't mind. Then take your rest.
If it'd really hurt the children if you aren't there to watch them. Then try to make it as easy for you as possible. And go and watch them.

Oh, I love the school gate. I have many very lovely friends I have acquired there. I am madly sociable, and linger at school drop-off/pickup for a chat. I just don't like sports day.

golden - i do speak for myself, and am happy to stand by my opinion and my post, in which I clearly say that some turn up for the sake of other parents.

@katythecleaninglady

You're so right about that what we lacked as a child we often overcompensate as parents.

I didn't had a lot of toys as a child. My parents didn't thought that was important for a child to have enough to play with.
Of the things that I had a lot of it was either broken, no working batteries, puzzles with missing pieces etc.

Now it drives me up the wall when I see that a piece of a puzzle is missing. When a toy is broken, battery need to be replaced etc.

It all needs to be fixed asap.
Then when they are done with playing the toys needs to go back in the toy box. Ready to play for next time.

I've got family games and I just love playing them with the kids. (they love that too)
Same thing, my parents barely did that with me.

show I agree with you.
I know these parents. They like to make it in to a 3 ring circus that they are at every single event

They also make a point of feeling sorry for the DCs who's parents have to work.

ok here's the options I might go for, depending on situation, whether other kids etc

a, go and enjoy
b, stay home, no guilt
c, show up, say hello & show support then go, must tell kid I'm only popping in. no guilt

any of these are fine.

what I wouldn't do is go & grumble nor would I stay home and feel guilty.

YABU for feeling guilty.
staying home to avoid getting ill or run down is fine. you'll go next time. cheer up

.

read a bit of the thread

my eldest is almost 12.
it has never occurred to me to go to show up for other parents.

How very odd would that be.

Well my eldest is only in YR1 so maybe im unaware of these parents because I've only been to one sports day. I have noticed annoying parents but I would imagine they were annoying prior to DC and continue to be so as parents. I cannot read minds so I don't know what motivates people to attend events at school.

In this particular situation, I'd say YANBU. Sports Day isn't the be all and end all for lots of kids. Generally, I definitely think it shouldn't be. But especially for kids who don't care one way or the other.

Clothes, food, a roof over their heads and someone who
Loves them; these are what children need. If a parent does all of these things, then he or she is putting children first.

But a burnt out parent, going through the motions,
draining his or her energy just because "it must be done" does not a healthy parent or child make.

tantrums about the texting -I would've felt judged and wishing I had gone.

but I assume they cared.
such a double edged sword, isn't it?

yes some people do the spreadsheeting. best ignore them

I agree partly with your OP about women feeling rentful and taking too much on. I am one of those women who have struggled with parenthood, I am tired, resentful and bored out of my mind. However, I think it's very sad the number of women on here who think that going to an event means you're putting your child first. For me it's never about 'he'll be upset if I don't make myself go', but more I WANT to go and see his achievements. I love standing in the cold watching him run, seeing his face as he tries to throw bean bags through a hoop. I wouldn't miss it for the world. I ENJOY watching DS1's spots day and would never ever miss it because I was tired. In fact I'd stand in the pissing rain if I got to see him happy and enjoying something... if you don't enjoy seeing it then I don't think that makes you a bad parent or means you're not putting your children first. Perhaps you just enjoy a different part of parenting. No guilt necessary.

resentful not rentful!

My husband doesn't attend sports day 9 times out of 10. If he had a day off or wasn't working away then he might go along, but he might not. No-one asks him why or expects him to be there. I don't think he feels guilty or wonders whether to reschedule his life to achieve this, or doesn't take up a job (incredible!) as he won't be around for them on these few days a year. Nor would anyone judge him as a father on this attendance.

I went to the first hour of my son's first sports day. I had a train to London to catch for work reasons. My husband went to the other hour (but there was an hour in between when DS was 'all alone').... It was totally fine. Friends of ours took pictures and videos for us. DS isn't scarred I don't think. I think it's important that he knows that he is still loved unconditionally whether we attend sports day or not.

Frankly, I think there's such a big deal made of all these events (baking cakes for the cake sale, volunteering for the summer fete) it's almost a full time job being a school mum!

Haven't read all the thread but I don't think this is just about missing school events. I really think that childrens lives are becoming increasingly micro managed to such an extent that its this that causes parents to burn out. I am a sahm and I do attend all school events but I refuse to allow my kids to do every club and activity going. If I did I would be ferrying them about every single day after school and at weekends. Instead, they get to pick 1 after school activity each and they do swimming lessons at the weekends. This week dd has said she wants to go to the same drama group as one of her friends from september. Fine I said but that means you will have to give up dancing as you can't do both even if its on different days. She has decided she would rather carry on with the dancing as she is good at it and prefers it to acting and singing. I refuse to be run ragged by the dc's, unlike a friend of mine. She seems to be on the verge of a nervous breakdown because on top of working 3 days a week she has 3dc's to ferry to various activities on the remaining 2 days after school and the whole of her weekends are taken up doing activities with them as well. Her life is chaotic and not one I would choose for myself. Interesting, she still feels she should be doing more for them so she is increasing her working hours to get more money so she can do more with them.