to wonder if putting our children first is always wise?

[KatyTheCleaningLady]

I like to start a discussion I in the morning and then go to work so I have something to pop in on during the day.

Ok, the other day I felt guilty because I was physically exhausted and so blew off sports day in order to rest before a busy evening ferrying kids about.

I felt guilty because I felt like it's wrong not to suffer any inconvenience or discomfort for even the most trivial of my children's pleasure. I "should" suck it up and stand around in the cold watching races just so my kids see me there. But, why? How is it really good for an exhausted mother with aching feet to do this? Isn't it better for mum to be rested and happy at tea time?

Obviously, some things are so important that you carry on, regardless. I didn't cancel a client in order to rest: the money is important to the family. And, if the event had been something truly important, then it would be a different matter. I would stand cold and aching if it was truly important to the child's well being.

I see a lot of threads on here from exhausted, miserable mums who are burnt out and resentful about their lives. Is some of that due to prioritising the family over their own well being?

The prob is that most parents do sports day. So if you don't turn up your DCs might be if it seems everyone else's can make it.
Not much mention on here of DFs doing sports day but it might be a good opportunity for them to step in.
What DCs want most is a happy DM, not really an exhausted or tired, or martyred one, and would, I think be happy to see DM doing something she loves instead of doing something for them. But staying home exhausted isn't that, however, they are around for roughly 18 years so one sports day is nothing really.
I was a bit of a martyred mum but now wish I had been more of an 'actively doing stuff for me' mum and not always prioritising them, it would have given them a healthier balanced view of life imo.

I missed sport's day this year. I am going through my annual leave at a shocking rate and couldn't risk taking the day off only for it to be rained off like last year. It is a shame 'cos it was DS's last primary sports day and I was quite gutted, but they actually didn't seem to mind. In fact I've only been to one sport's day due to work and they didn't seem to care that I was there on that occasion either.
I do feel slightly guilty about my lack of parental involvement in school but as a single parent I think ensuring we have an income is pretty important too!

All parents are not "exhausted"
That's simply not true.
I'm not exhausted. I am tired sometimes but not in a permanent state of exhaustion.

For everyone that goes to every event at school because they want to and are able to-obviously that's your choice.

I don't go to everything. I missed sports day but I took a half day yesterday to go to ds2 district sports.
I go to what I can.

I think it's lovely that the schools encourage parents to come to these things. I don't think it's quite so lovely for me when an event is at 11:30am because I can't go in to work and have a half day, or go in my lunch break, or do anything at all because I can't take a day off for a 15 minute event.

But I think we might need to remember these events are not compulsory for parents. I view it as an invitation. If I can go, good. If not, that's life isn't it?

My children know this, they know I will make every effort to get to important things but sometimes I can't.

I don't see the sense of dragging yourself to an event if you are tired, not feeling well and your DCs are not that bothered.

It doesn't help that at every school there are parents, like those on this thread who will make sure they are in every event, whether they are busy, or ill, or tired and make a point of bringing it up and making a drama out of it to the parents who didnt attend.

I do not always put my children first. It is about priorities. What is the most important to your child. What do you need to most do or be? When they were little they sometimes did not want me to go out for an evening out or they would moan when I went to work. Putting them first does not mean doing what they ask for.

Not always putting the children first does not mean you are keeping them tethered in a cupboard. You are not a bad Mother or father. It doesn't mean they are neglected or hard done by.

I am now nearing 40. When I was at primary school, almost all of our mums were SAHMs. And many of us were not well-off families by any means. Relatively rural, not loads of jobs going spare, but mums seemed to stay at home until we were off at secondary school and then they got part-time jobs. My mum came to sports days but never my dad. His work was such that it wasn't feasible. Did I mind? No.

When I went to secondary school, neither parent came to sports day. School was 15 miles away, not on bus route (except schools bus) and dad needed the car for work. Did I mind? No.

Because I fucking hated sports! I was very lucky and had a great childhood with a lot of social stuff. Did my parents come to everything? No. Did I mind? No. They would tell me why they couldn't. And I excepted it. Even being an only child, I didn't mind if I didn't have a parent there. I just wanted to enjoy myself!

*accepted not excepted. Oops.

Not all parents are exhausted.
and
Being constantly exhausted and sleep deprived is risking your health I a way that is in fact quite irresponsible in a parent. Loads of stuff out there about the links between inadequate sleep and a higher risk of heart disease, for starters. Don't give me this 'exhaustion is part and parcel of parenthood' line.

Can't agree more BUT it doesn't mean that some parents aren't actually exhausted what they OP describes IS exhaustion.
Usually the sort of thing that is creeping up after years and years of doing too much and not taking care of yourself. Sometimes because the person doesn't see it, sometimes because they don't have the choice.

But the reality is that when you finally do realize what's going on or you do suffer from these symptoms of exhaustion, then the only 'right thing' to do is to take care of yourself and to sleep/rest when you need it to.

I confess that so far I have only read the first two pages of this thread, but my opinion FWIW:

I had 'detached' parents. Disinterested. I have no recollection of them attending any sports days, school performances. They're the same now, they don't go to any of my children's things.
I do resent that. I resent that they weren't interested in me. And when I hear other people say 'Oh, he was a great dad, he was always there for me', I think how nice that must have been.

The bottom line is that although your kids may not register NOW that you're always there for them, if you're NOT, they'll remember it later. I want my children to always know that I was involved, interested, attached.

That doesn't mean I prioritise their every tiny want over my own plans, work, needs. But it does mean that I try to recognise the important stuff, and make sure I'm there for that.

I agree with Flouncy. Dh still talks about the time his parents didn't come to see him in the main part in a school concert because it was his mother's dinner dance. And this wasn't a one off. Mil always put herself first.

If your kids are blah about sports day, then it's fine to give it a miss. I always do. My dcs hate sports day with a passion only matched by my hatred of my own many years ago, so they are absolutely indifferent to my attendance.

Otoh, ds was very upset when I missed an assembly once that he had a speaking part in.

So, basically, read the mood of the child. Yes, there are some parents who go to everything because they like hanging round the school like a bad smell, but if you can't manage to reach their dizzy heights of involvement, just make sure you step up to the plate when your child really wants you to.

Don't give me this exhaustion is part and parcel of parenthood. Exhaustion is part and parcel of life IMO. My general health is much better since becoming a parent, I drink less, I sleep more and I take more exercise. Better to get up after a night shift and go to sports day then get 10 straight hours that night, than sleep all day and hit the pub at 5:30pm as I did pre-dcs.

I went to sports day, even though I had had a gynae op the day before and bed rest advised. Sports day is only 7 times, I only have one child. I always take annual leave to attend sports day, and school music performances and plays. I love seeing my child. I do put my child above my own emotional and health needs. I TTC for 4 years, so i feel so lucky to have a child.

I think detached parents are simply detached, and not attending school events is just one symptom of that. A loving an engaged parent who can't make it, or misses the occasional thing is not going to make the child feel unloved.

I would even say that a loving parent who shows their interest in other ways can simply say "I am never going to sports day because I hate it" and the kid will be fine.

But I would think it odd if the parents felt that way about all school events.

Someone on this thread does lots of recitals and concerts, but never sports day. I seriously doubt her kids are hurt by this.

Lasvegas, what you describe in your post is not laudable in the least. I can sympathise with your feelings, but I don't think it's healthy and, therefore, possibly not really good parenting.

I don't think it's healthy either!

I feel lucky to have both of my children but I wouldn't risk making myself seriously ill.

Always putting your child above your own emotional and health needs is a bit of a red flag tbh. If you neglect your own needs, your child is the one who will ultimately suffer - especially if you're either incredibly unhappy or end up being admitted to hospital.

Lasvegas what you describe isn't admirable, it's irresponsible.

I don't want to be too hard on Lasvegas. I mean, she is clearly a good mum. I just think that what she described is a poor choice, and short sighted.

I don't want to be hard on her either, but I still think it's irresponsible.

Thank you for answering me ReadytoorderSir. I am pretty amazed about the importance some parents(mothers) put onto sports day and the pressumption that you should go to incredible lenghts to attend. In my book, asking for a day off at work is quite a big thing, mainly when you have kids who get ill or have many holidays that you have to cover up for too.

If you only have one child and a very flexible work, or you work at home, this may be a reasonable expectation.

Otherwise I am pretty much on line with Midnitescribber here about the real important things. If you are scared for life because your parents did not attend sports day, my guess is that there are other problems on how you were brought up, and the expectations you put on yourselves and other parents.

And it also means that some professionals, such as teachers, mainly if they are single or have a partner with problems to take time off from work, are all damaging their own kids being unable to attend other schools' performances.

She needs to make sure she's looking after herself too. That's the best way of being the best parent we can be.

That's why I'm reticent to return to teaching! I really don't want my child to be the only one with noone there for sports day etc. I do think around here at least where everyone has someone, that a child would be upset.

There seems to be a bigger emphasis on home school partnership and parents coming in at the moment too. I'd like to return to work as a teacher but I guess yes, I do think its important to have someone there.

You would seriously give up your career over sports days?

I find it hard to believe that every child at the schedule has a sahp who can attend everything.

At worst, your child will be disappointed that you can't make it, but if you love and support her, she will understand.

Giving up on a career just to avoid disappointment of even the most trivial sort is as irresponsible and short sighted as ignoring doctor's orders to attend the event.

It is bad parenting, not good.

Also, what about your partner? Maybe he should give up his career?

School, not schedule.

I'm a SAHM with 2 dc and I go to everything, but this will be my first sports day and I'm petrified they are going to make me do some sort of race, is this the general norm at sports days? I absolutely couldn't face it, and may not go if it's the case :(

Borrow a pair of crutches and claim a twisted ankle?

I like your thinking Katy, but my ds is honest to a fault, he'd grass me up for sure :)

Or tell your kids you hate sports day. You did your share when you were a child and are happy enough for once to be able to miss it.
If you go to everything else, is it bad to teach your kids that sometimes you don't do something just because it is really hard for you to do it?

We want our kids to be able to stand up for themselves. To be confident and to be able to say 'no' when they feel very uncomfortable doing something. It is your child sport's day. Not yours.