'You should be grateful and thank me'

[ineedcheesecake]

My oh deposited some money in my account and said exactly that ... I am a SAHM but I was under the impression that 'we' shared things.

Then you were under a mistaken impression. Why do you have "my" account and "he" deposits money in it ?

Why not have a joint account that his salary is paid into ?

not good.

Invoice him for childcare.

The correct answer is "And you should f**k off."

I'm a SAHM and have never had to ask for money in 6yrs, let alone grovel for it. Does he also monitor what you are using it for?

You need a joint bank account where all money goes, so he no longer thinks of it as his to share or not, as he sees fit, but as joint, family money.

You also need to kick him in the nuts (either physically or metaphorically) for saying such a crass, wankerish thing to his partner and mother of his children!

If this is a one off then a frank discussion might resolve things. If it isn't then you need to start looking for a job and making him change his life so he can do his 50% child care and housework.

Doesn't sound good but what was the money for? Was it the housekeeping money that he pays in regularly (eg when his salary is paid to him)? In which case why should you be 'grateful' for money that is going to be spent on food for the family and paying the bills?

It might be different if (for instance) it was extra money paid in for you to treat yourself/extra money because you had overspent. How are things between you generally?

Tell him he should be grateful and thank you for looking after his DC all day enabling him to go to work.

Does he pay you for child care? Otherwise he should be grateful that you are saving £sss by staying at home and looking after the children. If not invoice him for hours spent cooking, cleaning and childcare.

I had complained about me having to pay for all the birthday/Xmas cards and presents, clothes out of the 'housekeeping' (what year is this??!!) while he was able to save money in a separate account - which I didn't know had any money in. Joint account - somehow I cannot see him agreeing to that ...

Why not ?

Does he not see you as a "joint" ie. equal partner in this family set-up ?

You are complaining about him not being in the 21st century, but why did you agree to this demeaning practice in the first place ?

I don't see anything wrong in being grateful for what each other does. In his case he goes out to work and earns money that keeps the household going ... does he feel taken for granted?

I'd also expect him to be grateful for you looking after the DC/cooking meals/keeping the house clean [delete as appropriate]

Nor do I, redskyatnight but it is the way he says it!!!!

Joint account - it would be a deal breaker for me if DH hadn't wanted one as well.

Invoice him for everything you do then tell him to be grateful

Are you married?

You will be up shit creek if you are not and he decides one day to leave you. As things stand, he has all the advantages of family life, but is making none of the sacrifices or committing to you in any meaningful way.

You should never have agreed to this and if he won't share what he earns then you need to be looking to extricate yourself from such an unfair and oppressive relationship.

If he won't allow you to have a joint account, that's a really big indicator of his attitude towards you.

What is he like in other aspects of your life? Looking after the kids, etc.

AnyFucker I had always worked - decent career then gave it up to be a Mum. Always had my own money and never thought about a joint account ... although we do have a joint savings one.

Fine if neither of you WANTS a joint account - but if you "can't see him agreeing to one" that tells you all you need to know about your marriage.

karmabeliever We are married.
Squitten He does look after dd and is good with her. He is unable to hear her at night of course, so never gets up. He tends to do the 'nice' things.

If someone isn't committed enough to me to have joint accounts then I wouldn't be committed enough to him to want to share a house and raise kids with him.
Joint finances are essential in my opinion, especially if there is a disparity in your incomes.

Thank him for going to work in the morning and earning money for the family and thank him again when he comes home.

Prepare an invoice for child care and household duties including counseling, taxi driving, personal shopper, the obvious cook, cleaner, nanny, but add in child development professional, specialist lego building consultant, professional artist, special fees for facilitated play / baking sessions, tutor sessions etc. Have a separate section for out of pocket additional expenses so it is clear that these are not covered by your fees!!

Hopefully he will see the funny side and see how ridiculous his comment was.

If someone isn't committed enough to me to have joint accounts then I wouldn't be committed enough to him to want to share a house and raise kids with him.

right ...

I hope you have maintained the possibility of returning to your career, should you need to

SAHM is a fabulous idea. If you are not married to a sexist, selfish, resentful man, of course. Or should I say the kind of man that expects you to be "grateful" and would have a dicky fit at the idea of a joint account.

I wouldn't have a joint account with anybody no matter how much I trusted them,I just wouldn't do it.

But I would also never expect anybody to take over the home side aspect of my life without providing them with a decent wage for doing so nor would I expect them to thank me for being reasonable.