'You should be grateful and thank me'

[ineedcheesecake]

My oh deposited some money in my account and said exactly that ... I am a SAHM but I was under the impression that 'we' shared things.

My FIL told [yelled at me] I should be grateful for being 'kept' by dh.
I was furious and FIL and I dislike each other intensely and will never recover from argument/ his rant.
My dh initially did need strong words from me re finances when I stopped work to look after children. He still needs reminding on occasion that money spend on household stuff is not for my personal delight!
We have separate accounts but sort of by choice. Joint mortgage of course.
I do find it hard having always worked to not have money I have 'earnt'. Your dh needs sharp reminder of equality of your relationship and that he is not somehow superior because he works and you look after the children while he does so. I sympathise...

My FIL has the same attitude FadedSapphire which is probably where my oh gets it from ...

Yes-cheesecake- and you need to knock dh's attitude on the head.
May need regular drumming in.

...and where your own children will get it from

I have boys and they will not get that attitude if I can help it. Oldest was horrified by my fil as witnessed some of his [almost violent] tirade at me.

If you go along with it, they will think it is normal. You can tell them what is right/wrong but it is your actions they will be learning from.

Having a little moan on MN and then going back to an unequal division of labour/respect is not going to make a blind bit of difference. To your life, and to the damaging lessons being imparted to dc's

Absolutely what AF says about your children picking up their cues from you. Vent here all you want but your resolve to be treated as an equal partner needs to go through you like a stick of rock.

I hope your husband is just misguided and a serious discussion about how it needs to be - and will be - from now on, will do the trick.

What AF said.

This is why I will never get myself in this position (relying on a male partner's income).

At heart, some men simply do not value childcare/hands on parenting, or the skill of running a household. Which involves cleaning/laundry/food shopping/cooking but also the 'life admin' of basic organisation - birthdays, school events, timetables etc.

They should value it - but they don't. Sometimes they will SAY that they value it - but their behaviour says otherwise. This is especially true of men that have never done any of that stuff for a significant length of time. Looking after kids on a Saturday is often cherry picking the fun bit of parenting. Doing it for 6 months as the main carer, coping with illness, tiredness, rainy days and having to do other things at the same time is the real slog. A lot of men who never have to do family shopping/budgeting/cooking don't actually know how much things cost, either. So you get the nasty scenario where a mother makes an effort to plan and shop carefully, to be confronted by a man resentful that she is asking him for what HE thinks is a large amount of money, and for which is likely to blame her for.

Other posters are correct that is is your contribution that allows him to work without having to pay for childcare/cleaner etc. 'Billing' him is a nice idea, but unlikely to work, in terms of making him see sense and realise that while he is thinking of you purely as a 'dependent', he is actually depending on you for the continuing operation of his life as it is.

I hope future generations have an easier and more equal time of it. But until men step more into the domestic sphere and experience the reality of it, it's always going to be a difficult area.

(btw, if my male partner was to take more of a step back, and take over more childcare/domestic work than he currently does, I would pay him an agreed monthly salary - not an 'allowance', I loathe that word - for the actual WORK that would involve - but all COSTS of shared living like food etc would be seen as exactly that. SHARED costs, not costs just incurred by him as the main carer)

This is why I will never get myself in this position (relying on a male partner's income).

Well, excuse me for being a SAHM!

Does he thank you for all that you do?

I sincerely hope your reply was "thank you. I am grateful. Now, I will sit back while you thank me for every meal I have ever cooked, for all the hours I spend cleaning, for all the time I am looking after our child, for..."

I hope you didn't stop until blood began to seep from his ears.

Well, it's a risk, isn't it? If a relationship fails, it's nearly always the woman who is left to pick up the pieces if her ex-partner isn't reasonable. I think SAHM should be looked on as a service and actually under 'contract' via a solicitor. Everybody knows where they are then.

I'm devoted to my husband but would not ever say, "It will never happen to me", because it can. Very easily. I think rainrain's advice is very good, uneasy reading as it must be.

You are getting defensive now, OP

it won't serve you well

save your anger for your ridiculous husband

ineedcheesecake - my post wasn't actually an attack on sahms, if you read it.

What I was saying is that, sadly, a lot of men do not understand and do not value the work and skill involved in looking after children and running a household. They have never done it, don't know what it is involved and that is how you end up with situations like the OPs.

No, I will never personally put myself in a position where I am reliant on a male partner's income. You need not read this as a criticism of your own choices. If you read the end of my post, you will see how I can envisage a situation where my partner scales back or even gives up his job for a time to take on more of the childcare and household work (we have discussed this, as I am the main breadwinner as a wahm). And how I can only see this working as a salaried arrangement, with household 'costs' treated as separate from work.

sorry cheesecake - obvs you are the OP!

I still believe I did the right thing for my children by being a SAHM.

I am studying for a postgrad qualification and volunteer too - taking up most of the school day.

It's not really rocket science to hold the view that being a SAHM only works if both partners think both roles are equally valid and valuable

That's great, OP. Really great. But it sounds like your H doesn't value it, so it doesn't matter what we think, and what you think doesn't seem to get much value either.

This is a very interesting thread.
So the general consensus is that if you are a sahm the money should be in a joint account?

Not necessarily, badvoc

The key here is the respect for the SAHM's role

Well cheesecake - good that you feel you made the right decision. You don't need to defend your decision by telling us about your extra study and volunteering, I don't think.

It sounds as if the person you need to be talking to in terms of valuing what you do/have done is your husband. If he is telling you to be 'grateful' for the money he gives you, he either does not value or respect you, or does not think that as a couple, you are in an equal relationship or have an arrangement which is fair.

I don't think anyone is questioning your choice to be a SAHM. If you believe it's the right thing, that is all that matters.
People are just questioning your DHs attitude which to be honest was bad enough with the comment about being grateful but got worse when you said he is "unable" to hear your DC and get up at night and that he just does the "nice" bit of parenting.

What sort of discussion did you have about finances/housework/childcare with your DH before you both agreed that you would give up work to be a SAHM?

I'm a SAHM, my husband works shifts, weekends, can be kept on past finishing time etc. I worked part-time before and after we had 2 children. The third child just threw all our delicately balanced childcare arrangements out on their arse

My husband views what I do at home during the day as a job. It's how we've made it work. We have always seperate bank accounts - actually on my behest. He pays me a wage into my account on the last day of every month. This isn't "housekeeping" money, it's wages. We deal with groceries, bills etc out of his wages after he has paid mine.

Sorry you're getting a bit of a rough ride for your choices OP... totally not on. Everyone makes decisions based on what's right for their personal circumstances, so no one really can judge those choices.

You need to sit down and have a proper grown up conversation with your dh about money. I think it's only fair to have limits for personal expenses that need discussing first (and that applies to both of you, he can't blow £500 on something without consulting you either just because he goes out and earns the money. It's joint income. Dh and I both work FT and have our own incomes but we still agree large purchases together) but if I was a SAHM a joint bank account would be an absolute essential.