'You should be grateful and thank me'

[ineedcheesecake]

My oh deposited some money in my account and said exactly that ... I am a SAHM but I was under the impression that 'we' shared things.

wow some people on here are really angry!
OP - i think you should be grateful and thank him (and i imagine you probably are and do), just as he should be grateful and thank you for your role in the family.
i think the point, that most people on here have missed, is not the notion of being grateful and thanking, but the way he spoke to you. the problem here is one of communication and you both need to take responsibility for that. he says "you should be grateful and thank me" and you can respond with "i am grateful and i thank you but i don't appreciate the way you just said that to me. i feel a little like my role is not valued and that upsets me"

Hmmm...
My dh now works in a role which means overseas travel sometimes with little notice.
Also 2 school age dc so school hols to work around.
I like the idea of a wage wiggles!!

Wiggles, doesn't that make him your boss?

WhoNickedMyName I don't really remember a discussion about housework - I did all of it before having dd (I worked full time). Childcare - nope and finances - he said he would put some into my account each month.

No, I'm self employed!

So many women, even pre-kids and when both partners are working FT do all the shit work.

why ?

Maybe a positive way to discuss this is discussing what if scenarios: what if he gets run over by a bus? Are you on the deeds for the house too? Etc.

It gets months to organise probate. It can be a problem even for joint accounts I think so the advice I was given when became a SAHP was to have access to a few month rent/bills in my sole name (if family finances can stretch to this, but it can be build up with £10 or £20 a month etc).

Joint accounts are not compulsory. But access to money is.

If he is worried about budgeting, you can together draw a clear budget with leisure / savings money for both, if earnings are allow this of course.

Good question AnyFucker - probably because it won't get done if we don't.

Then nothing changes, and the due respect for shitwork being part and parcel of a partnership never gets hammered home

hence, scenarios just like your OP (and repeated all over the country, ad infinitum)

wiggles - interesting, in that me and my dp are self employed, and work a number of different contracts - I can envisage myself paying him for the work that he might do re: children and house as an equitable thing, not 'being his boss'. I wonder if that is because it feels like a continuation of the self employed thing?

I would find that MUCH more acceptable than the idea of being given an 'allowance' or 'personal expenses', which seems quite infantilising. Paying for a haircut and tampax out out of my wages is one thing - being given an 'allowance' for personal expenses to do so feels gruesome.

anyfucker - yes, the gross inequity of situations where women and men are in similar positions workwise, but the woman does the vast majority of domestic work and organisation makes me angry. It seems to be very common, and it is a situation you can kind of slide into, if you have a man who does the work poorly, reluctantly, has to be asked all the time and fundamentally does not see it as his responsibility.

If they don't grow up seeing it as their future responsibility, you've got a hell of a challenge on your hands when you get the adult man.

Which is why both my my sons will be raised to be pull their weight and respect anyone who does the same.

We have a joint mortgage, FrequentFlyerRandomDent

www.amazon.com/Wifework-Marriage-Really-Means-Women/dp/1582342768 this book sums it up for me

I don't understand that either AnyFucker I probably do more housework than my husband, but that's mainly because no-one wants to listen to him Hoover at 2am! For example today he started work at 1pm - this morning he hoovered, I went to Tescos, he dropped 1 child at school. I don't mean to sound like a smug cat, but we have always shared stuff in the house.

We've lived together since I was 19, it wouldn't have occurred to me to pick up after him then and it doesn't now.

he said he would put some into my account each month.

That's a pretty big, life changing decision to have made (making yourself financially dependent on another person) based on something so vague.

You wouldn't accept a job on this basis would you? If an employer just said they'd just put some money into your account each month - you'd want to know how much, what date you'd be paid, etc.

There's a huge problem in your relationship with a lack of communication and unspoken expectations.

Time for a proper discussion about fair division of finances and labour.

I have been a sahm, postgraduate student and volunteer all at once too and I have no issue with those choices. In fact they are to be commended because it is bloody hard. My Dh and I even have separate bank accounts, separate savings accounts and a joint account for bills and mortgage which dh pays into. But my dh would never belittle me in the way you have been.

We also have a credit card we use for household spending and he pays it off. What money I earn (a fraction when compared with dh) goes on treats and irregular expenses.

Neither of us feels mistreated, unequal or disrespected. We have a huge mutual affection and really value each other. Being a sahm and doing nothing but be a sahm is also possible without anyone feeling subservient.

I think the main difference is that my dh values my contribution to our family and the future of our family. Yanbu to be pissed off and I would seriously consider invoicing your h to make him see what you do and that it has a value. £10 per hour for cleaning, £12 ph for childcare and £15 ph for PA services and household management.

hey AF, i think you're reading quite a lot into the OP's post. there are a lot of negative assumptions there. people say things all the time that are not a true reflection of their feelings. plus the OP doesn't do all the "shit work" - she gets to have fun with the kids and maybe her OH has a really crap job that he hates.

You haven't read my post properly, fish, and it seems you are trying to put a "SAHM-basher" twist on it

my "shitwork" comment was in direct response to the situation where there are two full time workers with no kids, but the woman still has all the domestic responsibilities (that OP applies to herself)

We have a very fair division of labour in our house too. Although I was dismayed the other day to realise we had run out of bathroom cleaner and a) I hadn't noticed b) I couldn't remember when I last cleaned the bathroom c) somehow responsibility for cleaning the bathroom had become mine!

One chat with dh later and I ask that he gives the sink and loo a clean while bathing eldest dc and I'll do the floor, tiles and bath. He agrees.

ok sorry AF, i see what you are saying. i think if one member of the partnership is unhappy about the division of responsibilities then it should be discussed AT THE TIME. ie in this situation, if the OP was unhappy about doing all the housework before kids and when they both worked full time, then she should have talked to her OH then. she can't complain years later that he's always been a terrible husband. when we work at our relationships, part of that is telling the other person how to make us happy. if we don't do that then we cannot turn around and say "you haven't made me happy and that is your fault" people cannot read minds.

I'm sorry too, fish, it was a bit knee jerk of me to assume you were trying to twist my words. I see now that you were not. x

AF... try explaining to my dh that I work full time. I do three days a week, but they're 13 hour days. I'm out of the house 15 hours + on those three days. He often says I have more spare time than him so I should do more of the housework

Needless to say I'm slowly, inch by inch, re-educating him on that. This weekend he even cleaned out all the cupboards in the kitchen. Another 10 years of marriage and I reckon I can even get him to clean the bathroom

fishandmonkey like you said people cannot read minds

OP - I suggest a talk and budgeting. I guess that he is now paying the whole mortgage but as you mention he saves to another account monthly, money is not so tight that neither of you can have a small leisure budget.

We have separate accounts with husband putting in an amount each month for me to spend on house/kids/me etc and on anything I see fit, but it has never been an issue to use against me.

Ok...could I ask what a reasonable amount would be - he is a high income earner. I pay for all food/household/xmas/birthdays/school bits/clothing. We have a small mortgage (he overpays every month), no loans or credit cards etc