'You should be grateful and thank me'

[ineedcheesecake]

My oh deposited some money in my account and said exactly that ... I am a SAHM but I was under the impression that 'we' shared things.

cheesecake, shouldn't you be working out how much you spend/need to spend on those expenses? No one here will know!

I mean, no one here will know what you spend and therefore what you can ask for. My outgoings will be different to yours, neither of us are currently high earners and will budget differently.

That's just a massive WTAF from me.

I had a long and slightly painful chat with DH recently in which we both came to appreciate more how much effort the other is putting in, and re-divided up household tasks in a more efficient way...

I work and my husband is a SAHD and the idea that my husband, father of my child, would have to thank me for giving him money to run the household actually makes me feel sick inside.

We had a child together, we are a team, we contribute different things but so the fuck what? Each is valued.

If there are ANY SAHD's out there, ANY AT ALL, having to demonstrate gratitude for money to pay for household expenses I will be chuffing amazed.

Women, for the love of Jeff, please wake up and make the men in your life value your contribution fairly!

If you don't have a joint account and you have house keeping then your really don't share everything.

I would tell my dh to fuck off if he spoke to me like that!

Christ Almighty these threads are so fucking depressing. You deserve more than this OP.

Your husband is treating you like you are considerably less important than he is. He is treating you this way because he believes it.

He is behaving like a prick. There is no excusing it.

You have to stand up to him. Demand a joint account. Demand that he recognises the work you do. Say it's a deal-breaker.

The only other option is to continue to be a servant in his life.

How much do you think is reasonable op? It doesn't really matter what we think.

Fwiw in my household dh pays an amount into the joint account that covers all spends including groceries and childcare. Once my maternity pay finishes that will include treat money too. Anything left is used to balance our accounts/credit cards. If we have a shortfall we use savings. If he has an excess we put it in the savings account.

We live pretty frugally compared with our friends to make our income stretch. I manage the household budgeting and we're very open and will say "do you need to move some money to pay off your overdraft/credit card?".

How much is he saving, keeping for himself and spending on himself every month? Are the savings for something joint? If he is spending money on himself, are you getting a similar amount? Do you have the same spare time each (this is tough because you could count studying and volunteering as 'me' time or not)?

The rule has always been (for us) savings are joint, pensions are joint, house is joint, money is shared, 'fun' money is equal, spare time is equal. FWIW DH has mostly earned more than me and I have had a couple of lump sums to contribute so it all comes out in the wash. Even if it didn't, we are a partnership, a team. Not employer and employee or master and servant.

Oh dear...I really feel for you. I was a SHAM and wasn't allowed access to the main account...he got one for me and gave me an allowance out if which I had to pay for food, petrol, DC activitie/clothes/toys etc etc...oh, and he had access to it too and regularly used it....i had to ask for money fir clothes etc.

Sorry you have such an arse for an H

I'm quite happy with my own account which I have control of and can see how much I'm spending.Have had a joint in the past and it wasn't any different. No one needs to 'shudder' or feel sorry.

If he really wants a 1950's style housewife he needs to realise that the SAHM/HW controls the money.
His wages go into a joint account and if he wants anything he needs to ask his wife if there is money left at the end of the month. Thank Grandma Theroux for that bit of wisdom! HTH.

Was the decision to quit work one he was 100% happy about, some men get no say in the decision or are forced into agreeing.

Perhas he is stressed at having to cover every cost. Its a huge responsibility and can cause a lot of stress.

I dont see the need for a joint account as being the be all and end all, thousands of couples prefer their own accounts. There is no right ot wrong way.

Billing for housework or childcare is daft though, all adults do houesework and when you have children its not "childcare" but parenting.

You asked what would be a reasonable amount.

I say 50 per cent of all 'spare' income after bills are paid.

That's what a partnership entails.

The key factor is not the amount of money you have access to, OP - we don't know what your needs are WRT food, DC clothing etc. What is important is whether your husband considers you his partner and equal or whether he thinks that, as the one who is paid a wage, he is therefore your boss/owner and everything revolves around his needs and wishes. If he considers you his servant then you need to consult a lawyer and work on exiting the marriage, because he won't change.

all adults do houesework and when you have children its not "childcare" but parenting.

this bloke doesn't, he thinks it is beneath him

he's quite happy for his wife to do it all though and be thankful for the opportunity

HappyMummyOfOne I think the point being made is that all adults don't do housework

And why shouldn't people get paid. I love my kids but they're hard work, I don't think I would have chosen a career in childcare so really why should I be doing it for nothing. Myself and my husband both parent our children but I do so much more of it, so therefore I get a wage. When I decided that my husbands job and hours were just completely opposed to very young children, we talked about how much my part time job paid and as I said I get slightly less paid into my account from my husbands every month. I treat this money as I did my wages when I worked outside the home. Money I'd earned

OP, how much do you think you need and how much can he afford?

Dh and I have one joint account for mortgage and household expenses and we have our own. I work pt and dh works long hrs.
Because of this, dh pays all the bills and I do most of the daily housework.
This works for us and neither of us are rigid within this setup and neither feels taken for granted.