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Original poster

To not want a career? (Serious)

440 replies

MustWakeUp · 23/06/2013 11:32

Hi all,

I know it's not a very pc thing to say these days and my parents who are oxbridge educated high achievers are baffled by my 'low ambitions' (anything that isn't law/med/finance = low ambitions and future of mediocrity to them). I understand that this isn't the opinion of most women, but this is just how I feel.

I've never had this burning ambition to be a career woman - I finished my A levels last summer and got 4 A*'s in maths, further maths, physics & art so it's not that I'm not academic. I loved school and I love learning but I just don't want a career. When we had careers advisors come into our school from about yr 9-yr 13 they would tell me about all the different things I could work as for e.g. accountant, actuary, physicist, economist and so on, but the problem was they all just sounded dead boring. I have shadowed plenty of my parents friends in all sorts of science-y and numerate jobs and I honestly don't know how they do it. It is just not suited to me at all.

My parents are only concerned with £££ and prestige. I'm a good painter & I write poetry and I've sold a few of my paintings and had some of my poems published and now my parents (mum especially) are pushing me to do more & more & more, they are turning something I enjoy and find relaxing into a money generating passionless thing.

What I would love to do with my life more than anything is travel the world doing odd jobs the way I'm doing now and then settle down at 25ish & have my own family & be a SAHM but still continue with my painting and poetry.

Since finishing my A-levels I've been doing that (sort of) - I temp for a 2-3 months and sell a few paintings, then I travel for as long as my money will last, when I run out of cash I come back for another 2-3 months and temp and paint again...I have seen the most beautiful sights and met the most fascinating and oddest people during this last year and I love my life the way it is now....I am free to go where I please and do what I want, I have no one to answer to at all! I wake up everyday feeling so happy and chill. But the trouble is my parents see me as squandering my 'potential' and have now recruited my aunts, uncles, ex-form tutors even my preacher!!!! to talk some 'sense' into me and to tell me that I need to apply for university and stop living 'like a dirty hippie' Hmm and I'm beginning to have doubts myself.....(not about uni, would love to be in higher education someday - but university will always be there!)

so tell me MN, is it BU for some people to just not be interested in the rat race and the corporate world and careers in general? I mean surely, some people just want different things?

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 23/06/2013 17:24

Imagine if a man came on here and said he wanted to find a high earning woman to support him in his choice of painting and taking it easy. That would be a different story altogether I would imagine.

fedupofnamechanging · 23/06/2013 17:25

Why does she lack self respect, just because she would prefer to sah with her dc, rather than have a career?

fedupofnamechanging · 23/06/2013 17:31

I think she pointed out her bf wage because people were getting fixated on the fact that as a family they might need her to earn money - I think she was just pointing out that the man she intends to marry is capable of supporting the family financially.

She hasn't said anything about marrying a man purely because he is wealthy - it is a happy coincidence that her bf has a highly paid career. I didn't get the vibe from her that she would only marry him because of this.

She is not lazy and has been working to support the things she wants to do (travel). Lazy would be expecting the bf to bankroll it, even though they are not married/have dc.

There is an implication here that career is the only right way to live and there is something wrong with you if you don't have any burning ambitions in that dept.

IrisScentedCandle · 23/06/2013 17:33

Stuntgirl, that's ridiculous. I used to berate myself continually for not having a career, but at that point I still valued myself by how highly others valued me. Society doesn't value raising children, I get that. But I value my own time, happiness, I listen to my own voice now. I would rather be my own boss on a shoestring (which is the situation) than try and work my way up the greasy pole and get really stressed over office politics and so on. I can't imagine anything worse than working 50 hour weeks, for what, for money so that I have a slightly bigger house in a slightly nicer area and drive a slightly nicer car and wear slightly nicer clothes. It's all so pointless to me. I am glad that I have developed a thicker skin now. You may say not wanting a career is a lack of self respect, I think that shows a lack of awareness that people are different from you. You lack theory of mind. You can't fathom what you don't feel yourself.

noddyholder · 23/06/2013 17:33

It is just what most people work towards tbh Most of us work and live for a time when we could be financially ok and not need to work so hard. Seriously if you could afford to indulge your passion and not do some humdrum job are you saying you wouldn't? Not everyone enjoys the whole career thing.

gordyslovesheep · 23/06/2013 17:39

if everything is so wonderfully perfect OP why does it matter what random interweb strangers think Hmm

do what you like - it's not that important to anyone but you - this smells like a massive stealth boast to me

StuntGirl · 23/06/2013 17:41

The lack of self respect comes from planning to spend the entire of your life bankrolled by someone else. How little self respect one must have not to even consider being self reliant or independent in any way.

ithaka · 23/06/2013 17:42

It does seem pretty feeble to decide at 19 to marry one of mummy & daddy's friends & stay at home with the babies for ever more, rather than going out into the big wide world to discover who and what is out there for you.

StuntGirl · 23/06/2013 17:42

Smells quite...bridgey to me gordy

IrisScentedCandle · 23/06/2013 17:42

I'd prefer the humdrum job. Most of us walk on auto-pilot towards the top of the greasy pole and it's such a struggle for all but the natural leaders and game players.

But I've had very bad experiences with employers. I've been coerced into resigning which I still regret 20 years later, I've been relocated, made redundant... and this was when I had a career. So, I'm not like the OP, I have decades of bad experience under my belt but I do know that having a career didn't make me happy.

I think you can risk giving your heart and soul to employers and they trash it. You're a commodity, a resource to be plundered. I have been out of the workplace so long now though that what my time is worth to an employer is about 9 euro. Obviously, my time is worth more to me than that. I can't give up an hour of my time (being the mother of two still fairly young children) for 9 euro an hour. Well, I might if I really enjoyed the job and it was part-time in the mornings, but still. I never again want to give myself to an employer, lock stock and barrel. I was crying in psychotherapy about things that happened during my "career". Such bollix the lot of it. Should have stayed working in the jewellers I loved when I was 22 but I was pressured to leave it. I regret that now.

NotGoodNotBad · 23/06/2013 17:43

OP, if this is for real... you're very young. Too young to be planning not to support yourself for the rest of your life. OK, so you think this guy is the one, and maybe it will work out - but maybe it won't and what then?

Personally, I think you're scared of taking responsibility for yourself.

nenevomito · 23/06/2013 17:52

Nice touch with the preacher. Is it his Son you're going to marry? It's just that I've heard that the only one who could every reach thee, was a son of a preacher man. the only one who could ever teach thee was a son of a preacher man, yes it was, it waaaahhhahaaahaaaaas

trackies · 23/06/2013 18:01

Not read whole thread, but please don't waste your potential. By that I don't mean doing something that completely bores you, but find something whereby you can support your family if you need to. at least consider that your Future hubby may not always be abe to support you. Illness, premature death, divorce happen. You may live to regret it. I have friends and family including self who wasted potential and now regret this and have kids and family to support, and are now retraining into these boring professions as they want security for family. Much harder to get job now though as alot older and educating self and looking after kids is v hard work. If you want to be a sahm it's fine but always have a backup plan.

StuntGirl · 23/06/2013 18:02

baby Grin

enormouse · 23/06/2013 18:19

OP I do sympathise with you to some extent. I went to uni at 18, wasn't ready for it, my heart wasn't in it and I dropped out. I worked, had a child and am now back studying for a degree part time (aged 24) and planning on going full time next September. It is extremely hard doing it with a toddler in tow. I also work work part time as my DP is a freelance writer and his income is less reliable. You are putting yourself in an unstable position by relying on your DP to support you. You sound quite immature imo for someone so intelligent.

Also - what if you don't like being a sahm? It wasn't for me.

scottishmummy · 23/06/2013 18:21

woman's lib.oh pah nowi know you're talkin out bahookie
no one except indignant of tunbridge wells says women lib
how dare pesky dungarees wearing feminists tell what to do pwincess

marriedinwhiteagain · 23/06/2013 18:36

As an uber privileged, middle class woman married to a fab man for 23 years I find your naivety totally fucking mindblowing. Have you any idea how hard even womenn married to successful men have to work to keep up intellectually and socially. Poetry and prose will not sustain you if it all falls apart; neither will it sustain you as your partner and his friends/colleagues become increasingly successful. Being successful and competent in your own right will.

marriedinwhiteagain · 23/06/2013 18:42

BTW - I dropped out of uni at 20, went to finishing school and only wanted to be a mummy from about the age of three.

I didn't meet DH until I was 28 having had a disastrous engagement to an investment banker. Thank goodness I was on six figues in my mid 20s and eventually after five pgs and a lot of heart ache produced two DC.

Always wise to have something to fall back on OP.

Xmasbaby11 · 23/06/2013 18:46

I don't think this is about wanting a career but rather wanting to be independent. You should always be able to support yourself, IMO, as you never know what life will throw at you. Also for your self respect.

thebody · 23/06/2013 18:50

As long as you support yourself and don't sponge of mummy and daddy then do what you like.

You do sound funny though love.

EleanorHandbasket · 23/06/2013 18:53

Yeah, when I was nineteen I didn't wnat a career either, so I lived in squats and worked in rough pubs and did lots of incredibly unsavoury things because having a a career was like, so fucking tiresome, man, and I had better things to do.

I grew out of it, not unscathed though.

Knock yerself out.

kim147 · 23/06/2013 18:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ilovesooty · 23/06/2013 18:59

Imagine if a man came on here and said he wanted to find a high earning woman to support him in his choice of painting and taking it easy. That would be a different story altogether I would imagine

The word "cocklodger" comes to minI think marriedinwhite makes a sound point too. If you fail to do anything about your own self development I can see him trading you in for a more suitable wife who has nurtured her intellect and whom he hasn't left way behind.

dogrosie · 23/06/2013 19:03

notaroundtheeyes YABVVVVVU. There are no 'shit Austen novels'. She is a class novelist. It was a long way up thread but I can't let that go. Have no opinion about what OP does, but don't diss Austen. That is all.

GoshAnneGorilla · 23/06/2013 19:10

"Have you any idea how hard women married to successful men have to work to keep up intellectually and socially"

I am dying laughing at the pomposity of this.

See, OP if you're not careful, you'll end up like one of the DH worshippers who lurk round these parts, always taking about their DH,s achievements and money, never their own.

I'd rather be a hairdresser, then one of those sorts any day.

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