To not want a career? (Serious)

[MustWakeUp]

Hi all,

I know it's not a very pc thing to say these days and my parents who are oxbridge educated high achievers are baffled by my 'low ambitions' (anything that isn't law/med/finance = low ambitions and future of mediocrity to them). I understand that this isn't the opinion of most women, but this is just how I feel.

I've never had this burning ambition to be a career woman - I finished my A levels last summer and got 4 A*'s in maths, further maths, physics & art so it's not that I'm not academic. I loved school and I love learning but I just don't want a career. When we had careers advisors come into our school from about yr 9-yr 13 they would tell me about all the different things I could work as for e.g. accountant, actuary, physicist, economist and so on, but the problem was they all just sounded dead boring. I have shadowed plenty of my parents friends in all sorts of science-y and numerate jobs and I honestly don't know how they do it. It is just not suited to me at all.

My parents are only concerned with £££ and prestige. I'm a good painter & I write poetry and I've sold a few of my paintings and had some of my poems published and now my parents (mum especially) are pushing me to do more & more & more, they are turning something I enjoy and find relaxing into a money generating passionless thing.

What I would love to do with my life more than anything is travel the world doing odd jobs the way I'm doing now and then settle down at 25ish & have my own family & be a SAHM but still continue with my painting and poetry.

Since finishing my A-levels I've been doing that (sort of) - I temp for a 2-3 months and sell a few paintings, then I travel for as long as my money will last, when I run out of cash I come back for another 2-3 months and temp and paint again...I have seen the most beautiful sights and met the most fascinating and oddest people during this last year and I love my life the way it is now....I am free to go where I please and do what I want, I have no one to answer to at all! I wake up everyday feeling so happy and chill. But the trouble is my parents see me as squandering my 'potential' and have now recruited my aunts, uncles, ex-form tutors even my preacher!!!! to talk some 'sense' into me and to tell me that I need to apply for university and stop living 'like a dirty hippie' and I'm beginning to have doubts myself.....(not about uni, would love to be in higher education someday - but university will always be there!)

so tell me MN, is it BU for some people to just not be interested in the rat race and the corporate world and careers in general? I mean surely, some people just want different things?

notaroundtheeyes yes, I share your fume and ire. It's what gets me dragged into threads that I know are iffy.

NotAround

The thing is, OP, you need to get your story straight. You came on here with the romantic notion that you would make a living from selling paintings and poetry. Then you said you actual sold paintings and poems, which made me think you were either lying or insane, as nobody would spend much on a painting from someone who is 18/19 with A levels and even poetry competitions offer very low prizes.

Now you're saying you told your teacher you just wanted to marry a rich man. Of course she thought you were a twat. If you'd said you wanted to be a writer or an artist, she would have encouraged you. But no, you just want to live off another person.

Lolol @ Richman

It's a bit rough to expect your partner to hang around whilst you go off travelling the world. What is your plan if he leaves ou?

At the end of the day it's your life - do what you want.

But do be realistic about the life that you are choosing. Assuming all is well, you say you want to be a SAHM and do your creative stuff while your DH is out in what sounds like a very hardworking job. You do realise that if he is working such long hours, you will be alone A LOT. You realise that you will have to do almost 100% of the childcare, all the broken nights, all the early morning, every illness, all the running around, the shopping, the cooking, the cleaning? And that's before you even think about children who may have needs beyond the usual.

I have no issue with you not wanting a career right now. I'm 30 and am only now realising what it is I want to do - as a SAHM with (soon to be) 3 kids. But you do sound quite naive to me. You are very happy right now because you can do as you please. BELIEVE ME when I tell you that as the parent of children whose husband is often absent at work, YOU are going to be bottom of the pile. That's not to suggest your DH would be a bad husband, but with the best will in the world he can't do much for you if he's not around.

And none of this is even addressing what happens if your plans don't happen as you wish.

You only get one life and the you should do what makes you happy. But for goodness sake be realistic.

I think the difference for the OP is the big, comfy cushion of mummy & daddy's money.

It is there in the response to the suggestion of training as a hairdresser & what her mother would think if he came into the salon where she was employed - not, 'oh there is my daughter earning her living doing a respectable job' but rather 'shock, horror, my daughter is working, not servicing a rich husband' - it is all a bit stomach turning, really.

No, Imperial I told her that I planned to marry my boyfriend and that I wanted to be a SAHM. (she already knows him)

I've sold my paintings yes, that is not unusual in the least, I know plenty of people who were my age and much younger when they sold sculptures/glasswork etc. Not nearly enough to make a living obviously which is why I worked 2 other jobs (bar work + office work)

Listen to your mother! If being a SAHM and marrying well was such a grand idea, she wouldn't push you into going to uni and getting a career.

Did the OP say she's never going to Uni? I thought she said not yet. My DD has gone to uni in her 20s and I think she's a better student for it. Had she gone at 18, fresh out of college I don't think she'd have studied half as hard as she is now. She has her head down and is working damned hard at her studies and she is trying to support herself working as a carer to children with complex disabilities. She dropped out after her first year at college and found herself a job, it taught her a lot. She too, has a wonderful boyfriend who is earning more than she is (though nowhere near 6 figures) but the big difference between you and her OP is that she will not depend on him for money while they are both still child-free. He would love to support her but she will not have a bar of it and frankly I think she is very wise in that decision.

Your relationship may well stand the test of time but it always good to know that you have contributed towards your life together. I stayed home while the children were small and helped out with the household costs by childminding or doing weekend work and now my children are grown I am working for me for my sanity and for my pride. I can look at things around our home and think "I did that". We go on holiday together and I know I contributed towards making it happen. When I was younger a university course was not an option for me but if I had my time over again and it was? I'd grab it with both hands.

OP - you sound like my mother. Like you she comes from a wealthy family, knew my father from when she was child and married him at 18. She turned down medical school to marry him - however unlike you, she did at least get a degree.

My father did very well and my mum really did live a fab life. Nanny, cleaner, the works. My mum painted (tolerably well), threw good parties, entertained a lot and had three kids. My parents had a great marriage as well. However, at age 47, my father got cancer and died within the space of a year.

We moved back in with my grandfather and had to live off our capital. My mother rued the day she turned down the medical degree and it has taught me that the best laid schemes of mice and men .....

I dont think there is anything wrong with your plan but do at least get a degree for plan B if the need ever arises.

I knew someone who married her childhood sweetheart at 18. She never worked, had no degree. They had kids, he earnt a decent salary.

When they were in their early 30s with 2 fairly small DC he left her for a 20yo.

Ten years on she scrapes by as a cleaner.

Be careful OP. it's never a good idea to rely on someone, they often let you down.

MustwakeUp Try thinking several years down the line, what would you advise your dd to do if she was in your situation?

I think it depends what you view as a career. Law for instance? Art is a career you see if you do it long enough. So is prostitution.

I think you're over thinking it all. Earn enough to keep yourself. The rest will work itself out.

For heaven's sake, girl, get a few skills and qualifications under your belt - proper ones, not just A levels and a couple of pictures you've flogged - and then make any decisions. You need to be able to earn a living even if you find some bloke prepared to do it for you.

Tbh,You sound very boring. Id be disappointed if you were my child,not because you've different ambitions than me,,but because you have no drive to be independent and to make your own way. You're happy to depend on others to work to support you. Sad and stupid.

Really you need to be able to support yourself in life, because you do not know what lies ahead of you. Read and think about the experiences of the posters here. Yes, you might have found someone who can support you financially but he might not always be there to do that. And you would be failing your future children if you don't have a back-up plan for supporting them, never mind yourself in your old age. Even if your partner is loaded, pensions are not what they were, and you may not have much entitlement to provision under his pension plans etc.

My partner lost his father very young to a heart attack. Thankfully his mother had her own very successful career and was able to continue to support him and his brothers and sisters. She was very unusual in her generation and lucky that she had worked to get such a good job; another friend of mine grew up in terrible poverty because his dad died when he was young and his mother had no way of supporting herself financially.

It's fair enough that whilst you've had a few months of living the good life, free of cares etc. you think that's how you'd always like your life to be. Who wouldn't? However you need to be realistic and think ahead to find ways of supporting yourself so that you can live with self-respect.

There are lots of women who are married with children who aren't financially savvy or independent.

I think it is wrong to rush into university if you are not really ready - you won't get the best out of the experience. Much better to wait until you really want to go and to study something that you feel passionately about. I wish I had waited, because I truly wasn't ready at 18 and didn't do as well as I would have, if I'd been a bit older.

I honestly can't see what is wrong with your life plan - not everyone has burning career ambitions. That said, I do think it is actually quite important to be able to support yourself, even if you choose not to. You can never predict how life will pan out, so for yourself and future children's sake, having a back up plan is the responsible thing to do.

I also don't see that you would be taking advantage of the boyfriend if you marry him and he financially supports you - he will be getting a lovely family life, without having to sacrifice the career that is so important to him. You get financial support - it seems like a fair exchange to me.

Take no notice of scottishmummy - she is a professional sahm hater.

OP if you don't want to ever be independent of others, then you can do as you choose.

It's not unreasonable as such, providing others want to support you.

However, please don't expect others to respect you. They won't. Especially, proper artists and writers and poets who will consider it their vocation, and not some little hobby to fit in.

You will find a verty specific peer group who wish to live like you. There are plenty of rich girls who are never financially independent, nor want to be. They sometimes do a little bit of artistic this or that.

I don't think there is much point going to University - if your not interested or going to work.

You can't live your one life to please others - never works.

I went to Uni met DH at 18 and we spent near enough next decade in long distant relationship thanks to getting our education and careers. I still ended up a SAHM with DH working long hours away - and it is hard.

Best friend from Primary met her DH at 18 worked in office jobs for two years and then married him - he came from money her family certainly didn't. They like us are still together but they had all that time together and less stress.

I actually don't regret my choices so far - we are late 30 she doesn't either and it can still go to shit for both us.

I know marriage that have failed under stress of two careers and DC and other that have thrived under same conditions.

Only person who opinion really matters is your future DH - is he happy to wait for DC and/or support your further education and yours - and working out what you really want and not everyone round you.

is he happy to wait for DC - or does he want them soon and are you both working on the same time table ?

Gosh I can't imagine having such little self respect.