To not want a career? (Serious)

[MustWakeUp]

Hi all,

I know it's not a very pc thing to say these days and my parents who are oxbridge educated high achievers are baffled by my 'low ambitions' (anything that isn't law/med/finance = low ambitions and future of mediocrity to them). I understand that this isn't the opinion of most women, but this is just how I feel.

I've never had this burning ambition to be a career woman - I finished my A levels last summer and got 4 A*'s in maths, further maths, physics & art so it's not that I'm not academic. I loved school and I love learning but I just don't want a career. When we had careers advisors come into our school from about yr 9-yr 13 they would tell me about all the different things I could work as for e.g. accountant, actuary, physicist, economist and so on, but the problem was they all just sounded dead boring. I have shadowed plenty of my parents friends in all sorts of science-y and numerate jobs and I honestly don't know how they do it. It is just not suited to me at all.

My parents are only concerned with £££ and prestige. I'm a good painter & I write poetry and I've sold a few of my paintings and had some of my poems published and now my parents (mum especially) are pushing me to do more & more & more, they are turning something I enjoy and find relaxing into a money generating passionless thing.

What I would love to do with my life more than anything is travel the world doing odd jobs the way I'm doing now and then settle down at 25ish & have my own family & be a SAHM but still continue with my painting and poetry.

Since finishing my A-levels I've been doing that (sort of) - I temp for a 2-3 months and sell a few paintings, then I travel for as long as my money will last, when I run out of cash I come back for another 2-3 months and temp and paint again...I have seen the most beautiful sights and met the most fascinating and oddest people during this last year and I love my life the way it is now....I am free to go where I please and do what I want, I have no one to answer to at all! I wake up everyday feeling so happy and chill. But the trouble is my parents see me as squandering my 'potential' and have now recruited my aunts, uncles, ex-form tutors even my preacher!!!! to talk some 'sense' into me and to tell me that I need to apply for university and stop living 'like a dirty hippie' and I'm beginning to have doubts myself.....(not about uni, would love to be in higher education someday - but university will always be there!)

so tell me MN, is it BU for some people to just not be interested in the rat race and the corporate world and careers in general? I mean surely, some people just want different things?

[RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief]

Mine's a Bacardi and coke OP I forgive you though cos it's been entertaining.

[Viviennemary]

YANBU not to want a career. YABU to expect other people to financially maintain you as a right. As an adult you should at least have the means to support yourself even though you may come to an arrangement with a future partner that one of you works and one stays at home.

[MustWakeUp]

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief

[Lj8893]

I was in a lovely relationship at 19, I lived with him and although I did work he was the main earner.

The relationship didn't turn out to be so lovely though and we broke up after 3 years together.

I would have been very naive to not have any form of financial support for myself because we were going to be together forever and he would support me.

I also would have been completely fucked when we did finally break up!!!!

[skaen]

This has reminded me if a friend if my mum's. she married her childhood sweetheart who earned pots of money. She painted and looked after their four children. It all looked idyllic.

It did become slightly less idyllic when she told mum that her husband beat the crap out of her every night and she was worried he'd kill her but she'd stay because she couldn't support herself.

Not having any ability to earn enough money for you plus DCs to live on is making yourself incredibly vulnerable.

[rubyanddiamond]

If you are planning to go to uni at some point, but not make use of the degree after, then I'd suggest that the benefits of going now are much greater than putting it off! You'll get the whole shared experience of going through uni at the same time as a bunch of your peers, and all the social benefits that brings. If you're smart enough to get into a top university (I assume you are from the grades) then don't underestimate the people you will meet there who will be fantastic contacts for a future writer/painter. Because even creative types need contacts if they are going to do well :) If you put it off for 5 years, you'll be in a completely different place from your fellow students, and the main benefit will be the degree itself because you won't have the same social experience.

[velvetspoon]

My parents raised me to be independent and to ensure I was always able to earn my own money. I never considered relying on a man to support me, not even as a teenager. I knew I would always work, and ensure I had a decent career so I was self supporting. And I always have been. At 40, I now have a large house and 2 children. I was in a relationship, however we split 5 years ago, he pays me nothing (as he has a declared income of under £5k a year) but as I earn enough to support myself and my children it doesn't matter, and also avoids me having to feel in any way beholden or obliged to him.

Frankly I would feel I had failed as a parent if my child's ambition in life was never to work and be entirely financially reliant on their spouse.

[StealthPolarBear]

it's the WAG mentality and seems to be getting more prevalent. Girls are worth so much more than this and could do so much better.

[NotAroundTheEyes]

You sound like either a) a lazy parisite or b) some kind of retrograde simpering quarter-wit draught out of one of the shit Austen novels

I cannot begin to imagine having so little self respect that I'd cheerily spend my days leaching off whoever is most prepared to pat my head and tell me my watercolours show promise

Bleurgh. Go listen to Beyonce's Independent Women and grow whatever the female equivalent is of 'a pair'.

And FYI I speak as a writer who paints and sings and sews and has been financially supported by another human being for precisely three months of my entire adult life

[NotAroundTheEyes]

AND I AM SO CROSS I MADE MY FIRST SPELLING MISTAKE IN ABOUT FIVE YEARS

[WilsonFrickett]

Gosh, is this fiftiesnet I've stumbled on to?

Thing is, op will always have her family money to fall back on, so even if her DP burns out, drops out or simply fancies a bit of more intellectual stimulation 10 years down the line, she's never going to be on the breadline, is she?

So if one doesn't have to work for money at any point, what's the incentive to work? The self-esteem and satisfaction most people get out of their work doesn't seem to be soemthing op lacks. So maybe she's better off not taking a university place or a job away from someone who really needs it?

Is she wasting her talent and potential? Well, yes, from where I'm sitting clearly she is. I'm a writer and it's bloody hard work to build a career. But essentially it's her choice to make. It does make me sad, I disagree, the loss of potential makes me weep, but it's her choice.

Money cushions you.

[Cherriesarelovely]

I do understand if your parents are very rigid in their idea of which careers are "respectable". I have a friend whose parents were very concerned with appearances and told him he was only allowed to study law or medicine. He chose law which he hated, he then ended up with a massive mortgage and a family to support and is utterly miserable in his work some 20 years on.

The principle of being able to pay your way though and of having some training that makes you employable is a very important one.

[MoominMammasHandbag]

My daughter would love exactly the life you describe. I myself work part time from home and have a lot of time for my creative thing. And fortunately we are very financially comfortable, so I suppose sees me and my very pleasant life as something to emulate.
Happily, my daughter is passionate enough about her art to want to be the very best she can be, so she will be going to the best art school she can get into and working like a dog, both at her skills and her contacts. I think you are running the risk of remaining a bit of an amateur dabbler OP, is that really all you want?

[ImperialBlether]

It's like the 70s never happened!

[gobbin]

You sound like you're in a position where your plans may well work out, in which case go for it.

Keep the future beyond 25 in mind though and be realistic about your relationship (which is what will be funding your lifestyle). I only know 2 couples who got together in late teens/early twenties who are still together besides me and DH.

It's ALWAYS good to have a Plan B.

[Bluecarrot]

OP, have a read of Tim ferriss 4 hour work week. It's interesting though not for me in its entirety.

Would allow you to travel indefinitely. If successful enough, you could continue to travel with a family in tow too.

[NotAroundTheEyes]

I can't believe people are saying 'go for it' to a life plan which essentially boils down to finding a wealthy man (good luck with that) to marry you at 25 (good luck with that), successfully conceive (after all we all know THAT is a given) and remain married frevernever (good luck with that)

Chuffing fucksticks since when was the deployment of a vagina a sensible career plan?!

[rainrainandmorerain]

Do many 19 year olds begin sentences with "I know it's not a very PC thing to say these days...."?

[NotAroundTheEyes]

Haha rain, a good point - and I did note the tremendous ease with which all MNisms are being used

I'm still fuming though

[amothersplaceisinthewrong]

Sounds like you might be burnt out having got those 4 A*s and put up with the pressure from your parents.

I think you need to have a gap year travelling and stay right away from the infulences of yoru parents a and extended family and work out what you really want.

Seems a bit unrealistic to never want to work past 25 thought in the modern world.

And Being an SAHM can be EXTREMELY BORING, just like those jobs you have observed.

[kelda]

I understand how you feel.

But I don't recommend it. I think all people should have the ability to be financially self reliant as far as possible. This usually means having qualifications to fall back on if you don't find anyone to support you; or if that person who is supposed to support you and your children, does a runner.

And when you see those lovely, calm marriages, you may not be seeing reality. A lot is hidden within a marriage that is not evident to outsiders. There is nothing fun about being totally financially dependant.

[MustWakeUp]

Because IME it's not, when I mentioned this to my teacher last year she almost went postal on me. Lecturing about the suffragettes and woman's lib and how far the feminist movement had brought women and that we don't have to make marrying a rich man the goal of our lives etc. etc.

[kelda]

oh and those dysfunctional relationships that you read about on the relationships board, where probably exactly like yours when they started out.

[amothersplaceisinthewrong]

Hmmm, I am of the opinion that what the suffragettes etc brought (or should have brought) was choice for women, not being forced into any particular lifestyle.

[NotAroundTheEyes]

Aaaah the famous teenage slang 'went postal'

You've been very entertaining. Not a bad effort all round.