To not want a career? (Serious)

[MustWakeUp]

Hi all,

I know it's not a very pc thing to say these days and my parents who are oxbridge educated high achievers are baffled by my 'low ambitions' (anything that isn't law/med/finance = low ambitions and future of mediocrity to them). I understand that this isn't the opinion of most women, but this is just how I feel.

I've never had this burning ambition to be a career woman - I finished my A levels last summer and got 4 A*'s in maths, further maths, physics & art so it's not that I'm not academic. I loved school and I love learning but I just don't want a career. When we had careers advisors come into our school from about yr 9-yr 13 they would tell me about all the different things I could work as for e.g. accountant, actuary, physicist, economist and so on, but the problem was they all just sounded dead boring. I have shadowed plenty of my parents friends in all sorts of science-y and numerate jobs and I honestly don't know how they do it. It is just not suited to me at all.

My parents are only concerned with £££ and prestige. I'm a good painter & I write poetry and I've sold a few of my paintings and had some of my poems published and now my parents (mum especially) are pushing me to do more & more & more, they are turning something I enjoy and find relaxing into a money generating passionless thing.

What I would love to do with my life more than anything is travel the world doing odd jobs the way I'm doing now and then settle down at 25ish & have my own family & be a SAHM but still continue with my painting and poetry.

Since finishing my A-levels I've been doing that (sort of) - I temp for a 2-3 months and sell a few paintings, then I travel for as long as my money will last, when I run out of cash I come back for another 2-3 months and temp and paint again...I have seen the most beautiful sights and met the most fascinating and oddest people during this last year and I love my life the way it is now....I am free to go where I please and do what I want, I have no one to answer to at all! I wake up everyday feeling so happy and chill. But the trouble is my parents see me as squandering my 'potential' and have now recruited my aunts, uncles, ex-form tutors even my preacher!!!! to talk some 'sense' into me and to tell me that I need to apply for university and stop living 'like a dirty hippie' and I'm beginning to have doubts myself.....(not about uni, would love to be in higher education someday - but university will always be there!)

so tell me MN, is it BU for some people to just not be interested in the rat race and the corporate world and careers in general? I mean surely, some people just want different things?

Btw along the way (1 am 47) I have a degree but more importantly have had 2 transplants ,cancer and in the last 10 yrs diagnosed with congenital heart disease. And I am still going and yes i do think work is over rated but life isn't.

and you excuses could write the dont diss the pwincess,or I'll call you a meanie book
for all those who dare share their opinion openly,on a discursive forum
cause you don't want to hear anything other than what you want to hear?

I never wanted a career, but went to university.
then I came to England, met someone, fell in love and got married, had 6 kids (so far) and I'm a SAHM..

my degree is useless over here. but luckily it doesn't matter.
I'm happy with my life and my choices.
when the kids grow up I will either put more effort into selling my handmade/ homemade things or get a part time job.

I don't have a career and don't need one. I'll be happy with a job if it happens.

You make no sense. You need to sort that.

As i have said its choices what works for you. You chose one way it wouldn't work for everyone. I am not a princess far from it!And really your little snide asides in italics sound a bit playground. But you are bitter and sound sad about anyone who is happy with their lot but has chosen a different path. I think its best you ignore me SM as you seem riled by people who are happy

Also excuses? Excusing what? I am not making any but am happy to be corrected.

I don't think I've actually given my opinion on this thread, so I don't know how you come to that conclusion.

Fwiw I have 2 DDs and I've always advised them to aim to be financially independent. I don't however think my way is the only way.

Noddy I think Sm was aiming her words of wisdom at me.

she sounds unhinged. Playing at feminism and getting it wrong. I agree we are all different. Financial independence is key. Then you have choice. I don't think the OP is asking for us to say yes or no to her choices more airing her feelings about not wanting a traditional career. Happiness and health trump everything ime.

noddy - that's the difference: the op does not have financial independence.

she is going from her parents. to her DP.

Yes I know but she is 19 and will learn. All the advice here tells her to be independent. I think she comes from a different background to most of us and may have thought a parenting forum could advise her and it has. She has had some good advice but also has been insulted unnecessarily. There is room for everyone and maybe the advice will sink in and she will feel she has more choice.

I agree Noddy, things happen in life which put these things into perspective.

Faster, the OP is very young and says she may go into further education in the future. I don't think there's any harm in her having a few years working/travelling/ working on her art etc. sounds a lovely life to me.

Sorry OP but you sound immature, naive, lazy and just as judgemental as you feel your parents are. I notice that you are not averse to people in 'the rat race', in careers that you describe as 'dead boring', supporting you as you travel and potter around for an undetermined period of time. The optimism of youth is a great thing but you do need to at least consider that your parents, your teachers, friends, etc, who have know you all your life might have a point.
Of course there is nothing wrong with not wanting a career in law, finance, etc but you do need to have a job and some means of supporting yourself. I can totally sympathise with your parents, who have probably put in a lot of effort raising you and educated you at great expense. They can see that you have some academic and artistic talent and have been trying to encourage you to put it to good use. You seem to interpret that as them giving you a hard time and trying to turn something that you do to relax, (you seem to do a lot of that), into a 'money generating passionless thing'. I would interpret it as them encouraging you to gain some experience and qualifications and to hone your potential talent. Most things that are worth doing require hard work and dedication.
You also seem to have a very rose tinted view of being a SAHM. Being a SAHM to a couple of pre schoolers is hard work. Rewarding, yes but tiring and requiring self sacrifice.

YANBU to want to step out of the rat race and lead a simpler life.

YABU to think that being a SAHM is compatible with your gap-year view on life, if you were actually a SAHM you'd more likely spend your extremely tiny pieces of spare time drinking wine and trying to catch up on EastEnders than painting.

YABU to think any clever man won't see you coming a mile away. Husband hunters give off their own special aroma.

Nothing at all wrong with that aspiration....to be a mum,continue with your art. Just bear in mind it might not turn out like that and being able to support yourself in whatever way might be very important to you later in your life. It may all go exactly as you planned but it might not and having a bit of a plan b is no bad thing.

I agree with Scraggey.

I don't think (many) of us would say young people should be in a great hurry to get a degree, or forge a career. 19 is so young. I think what most of us balk at is that she seems to be only planning babies and dependence. If she were living on an estate and planning no work or education, just babies, it might look and taste different.

I'm 32. I have 4 A Levels and a first from Oxbridge. However, I have chosen to work in very "easy" jobs (University administration) because it means I can work 830-430 and have a life. I am not too tired to pursue my own hobbies in the evenings and weekends, I have enough money to live on with some to spare and I leave work behind at the office and never take it home.

Yes, I could probably have had some high flying career with my academic background but I just don't want one. I exercise my intellectual side through reading books, learning languages in my spare time and doing evening classes.

I look at my more senios colleagues tearing their hair out with stress, spending their evenings working and their weekends recovering from the week. Despite their large salaries, I would never choose that for myself.

Ah, I see now the OP has a husband lined up and he's happy with this plan.

I think, OP, circumstances between you and your beau will change a million times before they are settled i.e. a marriage contract has been agreed upon. You are very young.

It's a mistake on the grand scale to go through life not having stretched yourself. I had such fun working in my 20's. It became harder after I had kids; I had to adapt.

You simply haven't found anything you like. Keep looking.

I too am laughing at the posters who say "it's really hard to keep a successful man happy! How dare you assume you can do this easily, I work so hard at it!" This board is overrun with such women.

croweler It's a mistake on the grand scale to go through life not having stretched yourself.

I was just thinking the same thing. to me when posters talk about wanting to avoid the 'rat race', i want to stretch myself.... see what i am capable of.

the alternative would feel to me, like running away from going outside my comfort zone.

I agree Kim, but no one can know that that's what they want with any degree of certainty until they've actually stretched themselves.

If you've never done anything uncomfortable or scary, that is a life half-lived.

I think, meant as kindly as possible, OP, you need to find a balance. You are still so young. And you know what? You come across as confident and optimistic, but I bet you are as exhausted by all your academic success and as unsure as many young people who are just not sure how the next 50 or so years are going to turn out for them. Looking for safety and a life that means you can do something which fulfils you and is financially secure are all perfectly natural.

I'm 27, nearly finished a PhD, exhausted, not sure what to do next and if I won the lottery my first thought would be "brilliant, now I don't have to worry about work." But I know it's not that simple. I know me and DH could get by on his salary. He works in finance and has the potential to earn much more, but I would not want to be financially dependent on him for any long period. I want to be able to go and buy myself something daft if I feel like it, go for a massage or a haircut and I don't feel it would be right to ask him for money for such things, so I need to have my own money. Art materials, as I know and you know, are not cheap and you want to have the best available. You want to be able to fund trips to sell your work.

I think that having a Plan B is important. In any case, I'd recommend you look at art school, if you're financially able. I went to art school for my undergrad degree and it gave me many, many opportunities to travel and see different places. I met incredible people, good friends for life, and there were many moments of excitement and enlightenment that I might never have had elsewhere. It taught me a lot about the art world and industry, how to sell your work and network. But it also taught me that art wasn't for me, because that kind of lifestyle can be incredibly precarious and hand-to-mouth, and I'm not brave or passionate enough to make those sacrifices. That said, I know a few people who do incredibly well from the work they make, but they're in the minority.

Most others continue their practice, but supplement their income with part time work, and it's not easy to find the time to dedicate to your art. A friend's mum makes brilliant work and sells a lot of it, but she has always supplemented her income by being a childminder. Her DH is a recently retired teacher and they're by no means wealthy, but they do alright and are happy with the paths they've chosen.

If you went to art school and remained passionate about your painting, at the very least you'd have a degree which you could follow up with a teaching qualification if you needed more security. Feminism, of course, is about choice and I do often resent the culture in this country especially of your worth being determined by how late you stay at the office and how little you see your partner / children. But I need to strike a balance between having a life that makes me happy and having the funds to pay for it. Good luck, OP, I wish you the best.

Hi OP, you sound like a very interesting and creative person. Here are my thoughts:

Don't go to university until you know you want to, and what you want to study, as you will be paying for it for ever.

However, don't paint yourself into a corner as far as your earning potential goes. If you have children in your early 20s there is a chance you will never earn enough to work again. Being a sahm is not right for everyone. Read the "has being a parent affected your mental health" thread in Parenting. And don't think "that won't happen to me." You don't know that yet. You sound like a person who appreciates freedom, introspection, a meditative and creative way of life. Being a sahm is the opposite. It can be like working in a factory: dirty, noisy, no time to think or breathe, uncreative, your personal rhythms constantly disrupted and subjugated to the endless conveyor belt of physical tasks.

If you have two pre-school children your childcare bill is going to be around £16k net or £20k of your gross salary. Other costs of working include transport, clothing, etc. If you do not command a salary to make this possible you could hate your life and have no way of changing it.

Your children will not be pre-school for ever but if you did not have a "professional niche" before, it can be hard to get into decent work later.

Every day I thank my lucky stars, or rather my previous self of my late 20s and early 30s, that I put the work in that I can command a salary that gets me out of the house.

If your creative life and your personal freedom are important to you - and they are - this is, counter intuitively, why you absolutely have to make sure that you can protect them with your earning potential. Otherwise, you will die. You will cease to exist as the person you think you are. Honestly.

The OP hopes to have DC at the age of 25 - ie in 6 years. She probably feels that six years is a long stretch of time in which she'll have had lots of adventures and fantastic experiences after which she'll feel ready to have children.

She might change her mind along the way.

But there's a world of difference between having children at 25 and having them straight from school/before you've had a chance to get some experience of life outside school.