To not want a career? (Serious)

[MustWakeUp]

Hi all,

I know it's not a very pc thing to say these days and my parents who are oxbridge educated high achievers are baffled by my 'low ambitions' (anything that isn't law/med/finance = low ambitions and future of mediocrity to them). I understand that this isn't the opinion of most women, but this is just how I feel.

I've never had this burning ambition to be a career woman - I finished my A levels last summer and got 4 A*'s in maths, further maths, physics & art so it's not that I'm not academic. I loved school and I love learning but I just don't want a career. When we had careers advisors come into our school from about yr 9-yr 13 they would tell me about all the different things I could work as for e.g. accountant, actuary, physicist, economist and so on, but the problem was they all just sounded dead boring. I have shadowed plenty of my parents friends in all sorts of science-y and numerate jobs and I honestly don't know how they do it. It is just not suited to me at all.

My parents are only concerned with £££ and prestige. I'm a good painter & I write poetry and I've sold a few of my paintings and had some of my poems published and now my parents (mum especially) are pushing me to do more & more & more, they are turning something I enjoy and find relaxing into a money generating passionless thing.

What I would love to do with my life more than anything is travel the world doing odd jobs the way I'm doing now and then settle down at 25ish & have my own family & be a SAHM but still continue with my painting and poetry.

Since finishing my A-levels I've been doing that (sort of) - I temp for a 2-3 months and sell a few paintings, then I travel for as long as my money will last, when I run out of cash I come back for another 2-3 months and temp and paint again...I have seen the most beautiful sights and met the most fascinating and oddest people during this last year and I love my life the way it is now....I am free to go where I please and do what I want, I have no one to answer to at all! I wake up everyday feeling so happy and chill. But the trouble is my parents see me as squandering my 'potential' and have now recruited my aunts, uncles, ex-form tutors even my preacher!!!! to talk some 'sense' into me and to tell me that I need to apply for university and stop living 'like a dirty hippie' and I'm beginning to have doubts myself.....(not about uni, would love to be in higher education someday - but university will always be there!)

so tell me MN, is it BU for some people to just not be interested in the rat race and the corporate world and careers in general? I mean surely, some people just want different things?

noddy yes agree. It would great if we could all have that. But the reality is that it's just a dream for most people. A dream.

It took me some time to realize that we all have and will be facing crap times in our life. That the first few years in a relationship are something different than what you get when you have been married 10 years and have 2 young dcs around. And no financial independence.
That not closing all the doors and keeping some avenues open 'just in case' is about looking after yourself.
If my DH had an accident tomorrow, would |I be able to feed my family? Would I have experience/a job/something that woiuold allow me to do that?
If my DH suddenly changed, if we grew apart, would I be able to leave as I wish or would I feel 'obliged' to stay to ensure a decent life to my dcs (a choice a friend of mine ended up doing as she had hardly worked in her life).
And what will life be in 10 years time, what about in 20 years? Will I be the same, want the same things, will my DH be the same?

There is no way to predict the future but ensuring you have a way to keep you afloat whatever life throws at you is a big step towards a 'good enough' life. That is financially but also emotionally etc...)

I assumed she is living rent free as she said she moved in with her BF:

When I'm in the UK I live with my lovely boyfriend of 2 years (I moved in with him after school ended)

It will be limiting to only be able to have dcs with someone who is willing and able to be the sole wage-earner.

OP you sound quite naive. It's great you have confidence, but if you continue down the path of kept woman you may regret not being independent one day.

What will you do if dh leaves you when you're ten years older, knee deep in nappies and exhausted from childcare? Or he loses his job? Selling paintings and writing poetry is a hobby, it won't pay the bills.

I don't think anyone is criticising the OP for having the lifestyle she does as a 19 year old. They are concerned with her ongoing plans to marry, be a sahm and never really work.

What I would love to do with my life more than anything is travel the world doing odd jobs the way I'm doing now and then settle down at 25ish & have my own family & be a SAHM but still continue with my painting and poetry.

so what does your DP do while you travel?

It sounds pretty boring and dull OP. To decide that at 19 and to stick to it all your life.

I wanted to ride horses for fun and not work when I was 19, but lacking the funds, trained for a career which enabled me to pay for it. I did actually meet a man who was quite happy to finance it and who became my DH but guess what? I still work, part time, because all those years building up experience mean I can earn a lot for only a few hours. And doing nothing was boring and unfulfilling as feck.

And even if I'd gone into horses, I'd have had to do that full time to make anything of it too. I'm guessing its the same with poetry or painting. just how does a 19 year old poet sell much?

I don't think many men think What would I do if things with my wife changed though. Because most men wouldnt dream of handing all the cards to their partner children or no. Too many women once they have children think that way. Men just don't ime.

And now I've read the thread I agree with the others, you need to do something. I aspire to be a SAHM, but am still doing qualifications and things that could earn me money later on just in case things don't go to plan. You need a back up plan (and art may be it).

And who knows what might happen, your DP may not turn out to be so amazing in two or three years time and you'll be left with nothing. Or maybe he will still be about but he'll lose his fortunes, what would you both do then? You may be unable to rely on one salary and feed the kids.

You can always go back to education later too. DP worked until two years ago and then went to uni as he'd had a few years to try other avenues and paths which didn't work out and his degree now is something he never would have done when he was 18!

LessMis: "It sounds pretty boring and dull OP. To decide that at 19 and to stick to it all your life" That's what people with a career do quite often, so she's essentially doing that, just in a different manner. Though I couldn't imagine going head first into being a SAHM without a buffer if things went tits up :/

Well not really Confused Pixie. Experience and qualifications give you all sorts of options throughout life that never doing regular paid work just doesn't give you.

You may be supporting yourself now OP, but it's not long since you were living at home, and you fully anticipate being supported by your partner.

Therefore this little bit in between is just an ever so exciting little chapter where you have a lovely time travelling in between swapping one privilege for another.

You're a big baby. And you know it

But hey, enjoy yourself, not everyone has such a cosseted life! It's not your fault you're privileged. I won't discriminate

Another here re: the hairdresser comment...
I'm nearly 30 and been a hairdresser for 11 years. It's always paid my bills at the same time as taking me around the world, it's indulged my creativity and social sides, and been incredibly enlightening as you get to know all kinds of interesting people. (I'm also a writer/illustrator and have done a fair amount in those areas as well in addition to supporting myself with a skill.)
I'm just so sick of hairdressing being looked down on and stereotyped as a last resort for "chavvy" (hate that word) girls seemingly bereft of a brain.

Sorry, rant over...I also agree that career ladder-climbing is not for everyone, and we are overly defined as people by our jobs, but for the love of god listen very carefully to all the wise posters on this thread who are telling you life is full of surprises and you should develop a marketable skill in some way or another before popping out les baybays.

LessMissAbs I don't understand your post. Are you being all ironic and whatnot?

Poppetty I always thought that being a hairdresser was a career. You can be as successful as you want in a job that requires qualifications, skill and experience. Never mind how important it is to get cuts etc right. Wish I had the confidence to do something like that.

Poppetty don't rise to it! You don't have to justify yourself as a professional and creative person (although I can see why you were aggrieved enough to bother!).

The OP is very immature. Fuck knows what profundities her poetry captures.......

As the OP is so bright, the obvious way to get a qualification/entry into a 'good career' is to go to uni. In theory, that would open allow for more choices in later life.

But it costs a small fortune.

Eg, law degree - 3 years then 1 year to get the professional diploma. Then what? An internship for goodness hows long paying nothing?

The really sensible thing would be to get an apprenticeship as a plumber or electrician!!

So she marries her BF and is divorced in ten years with 3 small children? That would obviously be very difficult - but it's not impossible to train when you're a mum - my aunt did a degree and a teaching qualification when she had three little children. I'm sure other people have done the same. It's a risk the OP is willing to take.

It's not like she wants to settle down and have babies straight away. She wants to see the world now while she's young. She's not 'lacking in passion' as another poster said.

Ha Lemon you're totally right. I'm just feeling a touch cunty preggo-sensitive methinks! I too wonder what profound observations into the human condition OP reveals in her prose...

music it's a bloody good career too might I add. thanks for that!

My friends are still doing this (working and travelling) and we're in our 30s now. They seem pretty happy.

LessMiss: True, they may end up doing the same thing but throughout a careeer they probably have chances to do something else.

I never get the pressure to do a degree straight out of school and have a career immediately. I don't think degrees are sensible when you're younger unless you know what you want to do for the forseeable (10+yr) future. I dropped out of my childcare related one in three months as I realised I didn't want to go into the state schooling system, which was what my degree was tailored to (primary education). Many of my peers from school who went to uni have nothing to do with the subject they studied and they've only been out of uni for a couple of years. Given a chance to live a little and realise what you do/don't want to do is very important imo.

I'd be super impressed if you shacked up with my DS and expected him to support you forever whilst you indulged your hobbies...not!

You sound lazy and indulged. I'm sure most of the population would love to not work and fanny about writing poetry, unfortunately, that doesn't put food on the table. What you're saying is you want a husband to sponge off. You sound like quite a catch.

I've enjoyed the discussion and also the out-and-out bashing the OP has taken for opting out of the sordid rat race by having parents and a partner who are right in the rat race working their bits off. Well said all!! The fact that your boyfriend is a family friend is very Austen, you aren't much of a rebel really OP :)

My 2p worth:

There are all sorts of great careers, both interesting and satisfying, that don't involve law or corporate finance, and also get you paid. Marketing-related stuff is particularly interesting and your creative side would really help.

I would not advise dropping out of education and thus the potential to work too early. The education system, which at your age and stage is very keen to keep you a part of it, won't give much of a crap once you drop out - if you try and get back in when you are older you'll just be one of many who are not that years intake. Don't burn your bridges in the lack of anything specific that's better. You can still drift around travelling in university vacations.

Back in the day when I did a degree we used to whine on about how we were the top 5% of the country For your generation, about half will have a degree. Take the opportunity while it's there, you might end up disadvantaging yourself more than you expected.

I personally think the fact half of the population has a degree is a bit misleading. I opted out of it because I could see people who were not very bright getting degrees and I thought it clearly counted for nothing. However, opting out of uni and choosing to rely on a man or your family instead of working is a problem. Anyone who relies on other people for their own livelihood is a fool. You need to be able to fully survive on your own. Rent, food, utilities and own spending (clothes/makeup whatever). If you can do this and are sure you won't feel a pang of anything when your friends are driving expensive cars or holidaying in some ski resort with their 2.4 kids after earning it themselves, then that is fine. I have no qualms with your idealism, but please make sure you see that it what it is.

I do agree that a degree isn't everything.

Part of me thinks if I could live my life over maybe it would have been nice to be brave enough to have opted out of the rat race and gone travelling/working.

The difference been that I'd have supported myself by casual jobs, bar work. I had skills from a young age such as riding instructor and been able to fix cycles so could have tried to find semi skilled work such as that along side fruit picking, etc.