The daughter I knew is dead - what a thing say!

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Can't help but think that the mother's words and attitude to her daughter, and apparently they don't speak, could be as damaging as Jeremy Forrest's behaviour towards her.
Am I unreasonable in thinking this??

Yes, Onesleep. I agree wholeheartedly with that.

I don't think a mother should give up on the daughter whether she is angry or not at her. In the statement the mother actually sounds angry at the daughter. Maybe the mother needs to get some support herself to help her re-engage with her daughter - to see it as her responsibility to do so and to understand that the daughters anger is a symptom of the abuse and to not to take it personally.

The mother's statement makes it clear why this girl was groomed.

Although, maybe the mother is just really inarticulate and meant to say that she longed for the old uncomplicated relationship they once had. But, hmm, I suspect that as animation says, she is angry at her daughter. You are right, she needs help understanding that her daughter's anger towards her is part of the grooming.

"It is illegal for anyone to have sex with a child under the age of 16. If caught, your husband would have been placed on the sex offenders register and labelled a paedophile."

A person who has sex with a child under the age of 16 may not necessarily be a paedophile if the child has gone through puberty. The word paedophile is actually misused quite a lot.

My story is all too similar to this poor girl's, except it was someone from church and we didn't run away. Everyone pretty much except my family knew, and did nothing. He's just got out of prison. My ideas of 'consent' and knowing my own mind have changed so much since I was 14. It has changed even in the last few years- what I believed was acceptable at 18 when I went to the police I now know was rape.

Grooming is so powerful; unless you've been there you cannot understand. Its like someone slowly takes over all of your thoughts and values and twists them, until you hate yourself and everyone else and believe that this person is the only one who will understand you/save you from what's going on in your life.

I feel really sorry for the Mum, knowing the anguish my parents went through. I never heard my parent's victim impact statements, as it was too painful. I'm even sorrier for the girl because I have an idea of what's going to lie ahead for her psychologically, and how people are going to think judge her and make her out to be a slut and blame her for everything.

The only person completely undeserving of any understanding or sympathy is him, because he's a paedophile who has ruined many lives.

I don't think the mother has given up on her daughter at all. But in place of the kid who used to go shopping with her and still ask for a cuddle when she wasn't well, there is now an angry teenager who believes her mother has done all she can to ruin her happiness; an older, unhappy girl who refuses to be in the same room as her mother and hence insisted on living elsewhere.

In that sense, yes, I absolutely understand what that poor woman means: her relationship with her daughter has been shattered, probably beyond repair. The young woman will feel the effects of it down the line, but right now is probably buoyed up by her sense of righteous anger, and the romance of passing secret notes to her older lover in prison, because she believes that they are soulmates. All the mother has is a feeling of being hated- she is heartbroken.

I'm not sure why some people are interpreting her words as hostile, tbh. Maybe they are confusing it with the phrase "dead to me"? I think this is completely the wrong end of the stick.

People- I was typing mine when you wrote your post: I'm so sorry you went through that.

People you have my heartfelt sympathy - as does anyone who has been through this; and quite a few posters have described similar things happening to them.

BOF I agree, very good post. People are taking issue with the wording used by her Mum. Unless you've been there (God forbid), I really don't think you can criticise.

Jesus wept, some of the opinions on here completely blow my mind. She was groomed for a long period of time by someone in a position of power and trust above her. She's the definition of a victim, even if she doesn't realise it yet. Poor girl, my heart breaks for her.

Thanks BOF and flippinada. People's victim blaming attitudes just make my heart sink. Worse is the fact some people don't understand the difference between 2 teenagers having sex and the abuse of trust and power that takes place when a much older adult has sex with a child under 16.

Its not so much about sex. Its more about control, and he's still obviously controlling that girl. That's what makes me so angry about these people, and that manipulation is probably what has influenced what the Mum has said in her statement

What Bof said. And People, many (((hugs to you))). When I was 13, 14 I was obsessed by many pop stars. If (unlikely) they had promised to love me and wanted sex who bloody knows but I may well have gone along with it. They on the other hand were adults who should know better. There seems to be a lot in the news recently where people who should have known better abused trusting, vulnerable young people. I was quite shocked reading John Taylor's autobiography recently - what a self absorbed twat he turned out to be - that when on tour in US, Duran Duran were issued with a list of the age of consent In each state. How fucking sad is that?

This is the Mother's statement taken from that article, for anyone who doesn't want to click the link.

The schoolgirl?s mother said in a victim impact statement read to Lewes Crown Court:

"The daughter I know is dead. I'm grieving for her and it upsets me beyond words. I feel completely useless most of the time. I feel I have failed as a parent as I don't understand how someone can do this to my child and I had no idea.

?I feel like the worst mother in the world. Whatever anyone else says, it does not matter, that is how I feel. Someone got to my child and I never saw it coming or realised it was happening.

?I feel like part of (her) childhood has been robbed from me ? her last day at school, dressing her up in a party dress for the school prom ? it's all been taken from us.

?My relationship with my daughter will never be the same again. She is aiming all her anger at me, that she has to give evidence and attend court, somehow that is all my fault. She feels she cannot trust me and she has gone to live elsewhere.?

The woman said her other children had suffered and had been forced to move home which had caused ?further difficulties?. The woman wept in court as her statement was read out.

Giving evidence earlier last week, she disclosed that she had apologised to Forrest after he contacted her to deny the affair last year, blaming the girl for the persistent rumours.

She said he had insinuated her daughter was "a bit of a pain" and kept hanging around him, expressing fears that she could damage his reputation.

"I was mortified that my daughter could put someone in that position," she said. "I was horrified, ashamed and I had a go at her."

Now this man has groomed this girl from the age of 13. Effectively, I believe she was brainwashed by him, so all this "two to tango", "she went willingly", "it was her idea" and "she can't have minded" nonsense is just that. Nonsense. And that's putting it very politely.

Her age, and his prolonged grooming/brainwashing of her to me means that she didn't go willingly and it wasn't her idea. Everything in her head was put there by him, she had no choice and no free will, even if she believes she did. She was groomed and brainwashed. Like a member of a cult or a kidnap victim with Stockholm syndrome.

And he even had the front to lie to her mother and claim her daughter was bothering him, while all the time he was worming his way into her head and manipulating her.

Like some of the others here, my daughter is really dead, and so is my eldest son.

That doesn't mean I think this mother can't grieve for the child Jeremy Forrest has managed to alienate from her. He's left her as the mother of a stranger who hates her. And who knows if that poor girl and her family will ever be able to recover from what he's done?

And if the relationship between this woman and her daughter was already strained before he took her to France, who's to say that strain wasn't because she was being groomed and manipulated by him for over two years, encouraging her to lie to her family and abusing her? That would put a strain on anyone because he will have been doing his best to alienate her from anyone who really did care about her.

So very sad.

Thanks porto. That thing about the list of age of consent in the US for Duran Duran gives me the right creeps... And well said Sarah. Brainwashing is exactly the right word for what has happened to that poor girl. Sorry to hear about your daughter and eldest son

I haven't read the full thread, but I cringed when I read it - I think it was very unfortunately worded. It did make me wonder about their relationship originally, if I'm honest, but they are probably just the words of a desperate mother.

I was the same Cats on first reading too.
I do think that a lot of people don't "get" the concept of grooming. I suppose the adult equivalent would be someone who begins a relationship with someone who turns out to be an abuser. And it's hard enough for adults to get past the mindfuck that is abuse, so for a vulnerable young person....

Sarah what a thoughtful post. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Maybe someone could explain but I don't understand why is the mother deemed to be the victim here?

Well, the original post was in response to her victim impact statement which I think was put before the court on Friday.

I think that the girl's family are quite clearly victims. The girl herself is still in his thrall, and lied under oath for him, as the judge concluded in his summing up.

I imagine that the prime victim, the girl, doesn't want to make a victim statement because she doesn't see herself as such.

In his summing up, the judge spoke about the effect of the crime on the family, in which context the mother is entitled to make her own victim statement. I think it comes across as rather self-absorbed because she can only speak for herself and how she has been affected.

It would obviously have been better if there had been some appeal for reconciliation or reaching out to her daughter, but that may have been considered outside the remit.

What he did is completely and utterly wrong - full stop. No blame on the victim whatsoever - she did not break any laws, he did, end of.

However, I felt very surprised and sad that the mother chose to use those words. Did she think about how her daughter might feel when she heard her mother say she was dead? If she really ever wants to repair her relationship with her daughter that seems a very, very odd thing to do. To be honest, it makes me think that the mother may have been part of the reason why this girl was vulnerable enough to be taken in by a lechy teacher in the first place. It also does sound like anger at the child, rather than directed at the perpetrator.

My friend described it as a bit 'I can't eat that, it's been on the floor'. Taken at face value, it is quite rejecting of her - she is still her daughter, and needs her more than ever.