to be a sham even though I can't afford it?

[Picoo]

I would really like to stay at home with my DS I don't really enjoy my job and I would like to be a full time mummy. The thing is we could only just about afford it. We would have to pay interest only on our mortgage, give up insurance such as health and maybe house insuranc my husband would have to work longer hours, etc. We would be pretty poor, and we have zero savings, but at least I would be with DS.

Is it crazy to live a poor existence but be there for DS, or should I go back to work and be more financially secure?

oh lol,check in when all biddulpph tambourine fans are banging on about research
and anecdotes of knowing someone who knew someone who worked in a nursery
apparently staff are feral.the weans are glassy eyed denied stimulation

Can you work from home or get a part time job OP? I can understand how you feel about leaving your baby all day. I couldn't do it. I have two girls, a two year old and a 5 month old and work from home as a tutor for a few hours a week, the rest of the time I am a SAHM. It is tough financially but with two very young children it is actually not worth my while going back to full time work at the moment as the childcare would be more than my salary!!

I much prefer my son being in a good nursery than with a sole childminder. I think it's altogether safer and nicer. Just my choice though.

I find it very offensive to hear people say that my son is only seeing an edited highlight of me because I work. What absolute Bollox that is.

Amazing, I think you're misunderstanding what people mean by being "better parents" because they have time away from their kids. It's not about "quality time" - I'm sure we all have off days with our kids, whether we WOH or not. We're all impatient sometimes, all have times when we can't be bothered, or would prefer to be on MN or whatever.

It's about being happy and fulfilled. For some people, that happiness and fulfilment comes from being at home full time, and from not being torn in too many different directions, but others need to feel that they have a role outside the home as well. There isn't any right or wrong way, but a parent who is happy and fulfilled is likely to be a better parent than one who is not, whether they WOH or SAH.

I know this only too well, as I grew up with a SAHM who most definitely wasn't fulfilled by being at home, and I think we'd all have been happier had she gone out to work instead. That's not to say that everyone should go out to work, just that it is the right thing for some people. And if it's right for them, it is probably better for their children.

Well said jinsei

I'm just shocked at the fact that virtually all the mums I met on mat leave went back to work 3/4 days and put their kids ito nurseries, even though they didn't need the money.

There's more to life than money. And there's more to life than motherhood.

There's a personal balance to be had love, and you are failing to comprehend that.

Maybe Jinsei.

But I can't get beyond the arguments made in favour of WOH because they are all about the parents and what they want. Look at your second paragraph. All about being a fulfilled parent. Not what's best for the child.

It's 2 or 3 years of dedicating yourself to your kids - isn't that worth a bit of 'god I'd kill for some adult stimulation right about now'?

But you make calm and sensible points which give me food for thought. I just have to put the DC at the centre of it and when I read posts that are all about the parents and their wellbeing being prioritised over the child I find it hard. I've had ten years of a great career, focusing on myself and what I want - to focus on what a little amazing human I made and do what's best for him seems obvious for a while. And not just 6 months mat leave but a few years before he's eased off to school.

Stunt girl - but can't that balance be more linear time wise? As in, career and self, then time focused solely on DC, then back to self? Careers last 50 years, toddlerhood lasts about 3 years. Do people really feel they've lost balance by dedicating themselves to one thing for a short time?

so essentially,you're suiting yourself,your priorities.that post is all 1st person you
and conversely I chose work,We chose nursery as that suits us
and all families fit in around what suits them

Sounds like your only having one amazinggg most people have more kids than that

How can it only be two or three years of dedicating yourself to your kids if you don't believe in childcare for under threes? If you have more than one kid, then you're looking at 5-6 years minimum really. That's a long time to be out of work.

And surely you wouldn't go straight from no childcare to full time childcare? So if you're at home till they go to school, it's creeping up to 7/8 years.

But it's not '2-3 years' for most people. If you have two children and stay at home until the youngest is 3 it could well be 5 years+. Why should someone to stay at home for 5 years if they don't want to?

No pete we want at least one more. I just don't see it as very feminist to devalue childcare as much as it is on this thread. It's possible, or should be possible, to combine success in career with takin actual time to look after your own children. But it seems from this thread that most women don't want to do it. Am quite shocked.

There are very few careers where someone can take 5 years out and get back to same level they left at.

Ok (lots of cross posts) a question back!

If you could have taken time out with your children and been guaranteed not to have lost pace career wise on return say 5/6 years later, would you have done it? Or would you still have worked and used childcare when they were toddlers because you wanted to work right at that point int time iyswim, not just as time invented into future career prospects?

Gah waffly.

Invested not invented

I've never devalued childcare staff.thats usually the precious moments crew do that
as I said We've benefitted from nursery and hold staff in high regard
but I'm not prepared to give up years to be housewife.nor do I need to.fortunately I'm solvent

I hate to break it to you but lots of people don't particularly enjoy childcare. They're not judging you for wanting to do it. You're judging them for finding it unfulfilling. No one appears to be judging fathers for not sending in their notice as soon as the mother's paid maternity leave ends.

Amazingg I dont devalue childcare I have always worked and 24/7 cared for both my children. Still understand not everyone can do that, and a lot want a break or to pursue careers.

Jumping in here but the thing is Amazinggg you have inadvertendtly (I hope) belittled every other option no matter what the circumstances. My child will be worse off than yours, and there is nothing I can do about it. You are looking down on me whether you realise it or not, because your ever-present parenting is the 'only' way to do it.

At 3 months pregnant, a newbie to parenting and MN, and having spent a very stressful 2 hours earlier trying to work out childcare options, your earlier posts especially are so judgemental they completely freaked me out. But I have no choice, we cannot afford a SAHP. How is it helpful judging other mothers, apart from maybe making yourself feel better?

Apologies if I am being over-sensitive - I do accept this is AIBU so slap on the wrist for reading all 17 pages whilst already stressing out about doing the right thing. FWIW I agree about nurseries for young children. And OP, it sounds like you can afford it about as much as I can, I would follow the advice on here to discuss with DP/consider pt work.

Amazinggg my children were both in full time child care from 6 months, in fact whilst on maternity leave with the youngest my eldest continued at nursery for 3 hours a day because he enjoyed it.

Are my children "damaged" at all? Are they fuck. They are now 8 & 11 and love their mother very much. You have really pissed me off on this thread - most posts were giving advice to the OP (who never came back??) and were respectful of others choices / lifestyles but you are downright offensive.

Nobody gives a shit what YOU think is best for OUR children, so piss off and preach elsewhere.

(caveat: I am wholly supportive of choice, SAHP or otherwise - each family does what they think is best for them and that's just fine IMO).

When I lived on the edge of london lots and lots of mums went back to work (mainly part time, but a mix).

Where I live now (mixed area but less m/c) I don't know any couples where both work full time. Most have a SAHM, and those that work p/t often have "mum" around to help.

I keep thinking about returning to teaching and I've actually been told its unfair on my children to do 7.30-5.30 with a cm, and very unfair for the little one starting school to do cm/school/cm so young. I think that would be the normal view around here.

I think nationally its a low percentage of families that have have an under 3 year old and both work f/t isn't it? (That unpopular book by Oliver James quotes statistics but I cant recall).

I would love to be in Jensis position - 4 hours with a nanny in own home would be a great way to enable me to work! Or a local grandparent. Again in london, lots of people away from home. IN this area quite a few youngish mums with youngish parents willing to help.