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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a sham even though I can't afford it?

501 replies

Picoo · 21/06/2013 20:11

I would really like to stay at home with my DS I don't really enjoy my job and I would like to be a full time mummy. The thing is we could only just about afford it. We would have to pay interest only on our mortgage, give up insurance such as health and maybe house insuranc my husband would have to work longer hours, etc. We would be pretty poor, and we have zero savings, but at least I would be with DS.

Is it crazy to live a poor existence but be there for DS, or should I go back to work and be more financially secure?

OP posts:
stepawayfromthescreen · 23/06/2013 19:10

I do work, Scottish. Too much. Am working towards sham, almost there.

scottishmummy · 23/06/2013 19:15

if you're skint and can work,you should op.no romance in poverty

Curiositykilledthecrap · 23/06/2013 19:17

Am I the only person that works and still does precious moments?

Assemblies/sports days.... Just book Annual leave no?

AnnieLobeseder · 23/06/2013 19:17

I have quite a lot of intellect, stepaway. And I'm not so arrogant as to believe that I have any magical power of parenting that is superior to that of the other loving people who are helping me to raise my children.

Some people genuinely hate staying at home with their children. That doesn't mean they love their children less than anyone else. But we recognise that our resentment at being at home makes us pretty rubbish parents when we do so. I truly am a better parent when I work. I fell no shame in that; it's just my personal reality.

Equally, people who would rather be at home make rubbish employees because of their own resentment at having to go out to work. These people and their children are probably better off (finances aside) if they stay at home.

Anyone caught in a position where they would rather not be would feel the same. There's no shame either way. We're all different. Wonderful if you can be in the place you want to be, crap if you can't. Sadly lots of women and men are trapped on the side they'd rather not be.

But what I really don't understand is why you are unable to see that not everyone is the same as you; we don't all share your reality. How can it be better for a child to be home with a depressed resentful parent? There is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to parenting.

peteypiranha · 23/06/2013 19:18

I know a lot of families on benefits where one or both parents are at home. Its far from being a bed of roses, and being at home with the children doesnt often make either the parents or the children any happier. Its not about being at home,but being at home and being skint is awful and souldestroying.

janey68 · 23/06/2013 19:21

Lets just cut to the chase here. Perhaps amazingg and stepaway would like to quantify exactly how my teenage dd and ds have had a less good childhood than they would have done if I'd been a full time SAHM.
Go on- do it. You've both said being a WOHM is not best- so I challenge you to explain how my children are in any way less secure/ confident/ happy than they would have been if I hadn't worked.
Waiting.....

Amazinggg · 23/06/2013 19:22

A quickie to clarify that my strongly held views relate to toddlers and not to teenagers. Hth

stepawayfromthescreen · 23/06/2013 19:24

Depressed, bored, resentful parents.
Ffs, it's almost a cliche not to be bored with, resentful of, depressed about or fed up with our kids.
I must be Mary Fucking Poppins.
Fact is, most wohm are in it for the money, not to get the fuck away from the boring offspring they can't help resenting.

WidowWadman · 23/06/2013 19:27

When I had to reduce my older daughters nursery hours to only one day a week during mat leave #2 she was looking forward to her nursery day very much. If I had been able to afford it, I would have let her have more.Now both are back full time and loving it.

Doesn't make me a shit parent, I don't think. Doesn't mean my way is the only way. Know plenty of happy WOHMs with happy children, and plenty of happy SAHMs with happy children.

Why is it so important for some that their way is not just as good as someone else's is beyond me

janey68 · 23/06/2013 19:28

Nope, I choose to work because I have a fulfilling career. The money is nice too, but not the primary motivator. And my children are wonderful and I don't feel remotely bored with them. Never have.
Still waiting for an answer to my earlier post...

AnnieLobeseder · 23/06/2013 19:29

Well there's the thing, Amazinggg, they're your views, no matter how strongly you hold them. And to suggest that others are of lower intellect than you because they don't happen to share them is somewhat insulting and arrogant.

Personally, I like to hope that every family works out what works best for their own individual circumstances, to do the best that they personally can do for their children and themselves, not to do whatever the hell they please despite their children.

But sadly, you do get parents who fall into the latter category. Some work. Some don't. I have found that being in or out of employment has little correlation to parenting ability.

stepawayfromthescreen · 23/06/2013 19:29

you can't quantify or calculate it, Janey.
You just know it. It is a pretty clear no brainer. Unless the child has a shit home life or parents who'd resent it, they're better off with a sahp. Always. The end.
(And I'm a part time wohm and have been full time wohm)

flowery · 23/06/2013 19:32

What an interesting debating technique. "You just know it....Always. The end."

Grin

Perhaps David Cameron ought to try that method.

AnnieLobeseder · 23/06/2013 19:32

Oh dear, you head really is firmly wedged up your own arse, isn't it Amazinggg? Pretty much every other poster on here can see both sides and does their best for their children. No-one has criticised your choice, while you keep twisting our words and slagging off the rest of us. You're just so damned determined to be RIGHT. There's no point in talking to you.

stepawayfromthescreen · 23/06/2013 19:35

some things do fall into the category of 'no brainer' flowery!
They really do!
This is one of them. Big fat elephant, nay wooly mammoth, in the room.

janey68 · 23/06/2013 19:36

'You just know' - ROFL, gosh, the intellectual heights reached by some people Grin

Amazinggg · 23/06/2013 19:36

Annie I didn't suggest people who disagreed were 'of a lower intellect' to me, that's totally not what I said! I think people do mental gymnastics to justify their choice to leave their kids when they're still tiny, because it can be boring, menial, repetitive, exhausting, mind-numbing and yes unpaid - you can't say that, you have to say things like 'best for our family' 'best for our individual circumstances' and 'the right decision for us' because you can't take the 2yo's view into account - they'd want their parents looking after them every time. It's people pretending its for the kids' benefit who are deluding themselves. Fair enough, put your toddler into nursery because they need you, it's so full on and you hate it - but don't pretend it's better than parental care.

Jinsei · 23/06/2013 19:37

you can't quantify or calculate it, Janey. You just know it. It is a pretty clear no brainer. Unless the child has a shit home life or parents who'd resent it, they're better off with a sahp. Always. The end.

Sorry, but you're wrong. It might be so for your children, but it isn't the case for mine. And you are incredibly arrogant to assume that you are in a position to judge.

I see no SAHM bashing on this thread. Quite the opposite, actually. Hmm

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 23/06/2013 19:38

oh dear lovey you really are coming across as goady fucker hard of thinking now.

HazleNutt · 23/06/2013 19:38

I had a lovely home life, no resentments. My mum loved us and also loved her career, and she would have been a horrible SAHM, as she would have been bored and unfulfilled. How on earth would it have been better for us if she was miserable?
Or do you mean that I would have been better having someone else for a mother, someone who actually enjoyed being a SAHM? That women who are not happy to be SAHMs should not have children in the first place? Or what exactly?

AnnieLobeseder · 23/06/2013 19:40

stepawayfromthescreen Sun 23-Jun-13 19:07:20
it's jaw droppingly ridiculous that in 2013 some people are earnestly arguing that daycare providers are equal to parents. Equivalent to them. Perhaps even better.
It's beyond a joke that anyone with a scrap of intellect would believe that.

If that's not saying that those of us who believe our children were better off spending some time in childcare instead of with us 24/7 are lacking in some kind of intellectual capacity, what is it saying, exactly?

Amazinggg · 23/06/2013 19:41

Annie thanks but being called a 'goady fucker' and that my head is up my arse - not the best debate I've seen on here tbh. I feel really strongly about it and understand that it's not a popular view - I wouldn't dream of being so open about it in rl. But leave out the shitty language - you don't know me either, and believe it or not I'm a massive liberal, a shit cook, an ace horse rider, a shit gardener, a great listener, a shit joke-teller and many other aspects to me which you might like or dislike if we actually met. So leave out the personal insults and keep on topic plz...

stepawayfromthescreen · 23/06/2013 19:42

some things do fall into the category of 'no brainer' flowery!
They really do!
This is one of them. Big fat elephant, nay wooly mammoth, in the room.

BlingBubbles · 23/06/2013 19:42

I work full time and my DD who is 2 goes to the most amazing childminder. I love my job, I love my colleagues, I love going to work so that I can be me and not mummy, I love the fact that on Sunday night dd gets excited because she is going to the cm on Monday and gets equally excited when I come and pick her up! She is my child and I love her and I am her mother and she loves me....

We are leaving the country in a few weeks, my Dh has got a great job where he will be earning enough for me to stay at home, will I though, no, I have already got a part time job interview. My Dh and his family (all the woman stay at home) can't understand why I would want to work. I won't go into all the reasons as they have been mentioned on this thread already, but I will hopefully get the job and be able to work part time and enjoy the best of staying at home and working.

BlackholesAndRevelations · 23/06/2013 19:42

Fwiw I'm working part time and think it's pretty perfect for all concerned!