Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a sham even though I can't afford it?

501 replies

Picoo · 21/06/2013 20:11

I would really like to stay at home with my DS I don't really enjoy my job and I would like to be a full time mummy. The thing is we could only just about afford it. We would have to pay interest only on our mortgage, give up insurance such as health and maybe house insuranc my husband would have to work longer hours, etc. We would be pretty poor, and we have zero savings, but at least I would be with DS.

Is it crazy to live a poor existence but be there for DS, or should I go back to work and be more financially secure?

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 23/06/2013 18:32

its only elephant in room if one think in such narrow terms.im happy to outsource
nursery is safe,adequate and reassuringly expensive.obviously it not same as parent
I wouldn't chose to eke out a living,no insurance or buffer.thats foolhardy

WidowWadman · 23/06/2013 18:32

stepawayfromthescreen your opinion, not a fact. My children love their childcare setting and feel happy, loved and secure there.

flowery · 23/06/2013 18:34

I reckon in many ways our nanny is better at looking after our two than me. She's more patient with them, does more stuff like cooking with them and messy play that I don't really. She focuses completely on them because that's her job. She takes, or took, them to more playgroups etc than I ever did.

Maybe I'm just a rubbish mum. Grin Regardless, I know I'm a much much more patient, fun mum because I'm not doing it all the time and have a working life as well.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 23/06/2013 18:40

Do those that are militant on either end of the spectrum not think that most parents (yes parents not just mums) tread a middle ground path in an attempt to meet as many of the needs of every member of the family's needs as possible. When my dc's were small I did shift work so that the dc's were primarily care for by me or dh (for cost reasons). Now that they are all in full time school I have changed roles and work 4 days a week, dh and I share drop offs and pick ups. In all of this the dc's have been well looked after and DH and I have been able to provide for our family whilst ensuring that we are both satisfied by our chosen jobs.
yes there have been compromises for us all, me particularly but I am glad that I have always worked and I am glad that I have been lucky enough to be around quite a bit while my dc's were little. It has worked well for our family. We all juggle and muddle through, there is no "right" way or "wrong" way, just what works at any given point in time for each individual family.

Jinsei · 23/06/2013 18:51

I reckon in many ways our nanny is better at looking after our two than me. She's more patient with them, does more stuff like cooking with them and messy play that I don't really. She focuses completely on them because that's her job. She takes, or took, them to more playgroups etc than I ever did.

flowery, I think the thing I noticed was that my nanny was better at certain aspects of parenting than I was, whereas I was better at others. She was great at art, craft and anything messy, and she was also much better than me at going out into the garden and doing physical stuff. I was constantly afraid of dd hurting herself, whereas our nanny knew how to keep her safe while also alliwing her to experinent and explore. She was also immensely patient! On the other hand, I was probably better at reading to dd and imaginary play, and DH had his own strengths as well. We each bring something different to parenting, and I feel that it's good for children to benefit from different approaches, different interests and different perspectives on life!

Amazinggg · 23/06/2013 18:52

Stepaway you are so right. It is so blindingly obvious that parental care is the ideal for a toddler, yet there are so many posters on here twisting themselves in knots to justify how it's actively beneficial to their children to send them to nursery.

Good for you to work, lovely, earn money, contribute financially, spend time with other adults, get away from your kids (I love the line 'it makes me a better mother in the time I have with them') - if you hate being responsible for your own toddler 24/7 and would rather be away from them some of the time, then be honest and say that! Because the line 'what's best for my family' is a bit tired. If you choose to work when you have under 3s and don't have to, and use group childcare, then yes I judge you negatively. This includes loads of people I know, and I am just Shock that I am so in the minority both on MN and in rl. Hey ho.

flowery · 23/06/2013 18:53

You're so right Jinsei. The fact that my two have benefited from 3 different people with different strengths and approaches looking after them is definitely a plus for all of us.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 23/06/2013 18:54

oh gawd......

flowery · 23/06/2013 18:54

and the fact that our nanny cooks wonderful meals from scratch for them means its not the end of the world if I feed them pizza and chips

ICantRememberWhatSheSaid · 23/06/2013 18:55

hobnobsaremyfave.

I agree. It's the middle ground for me too. I have always been a SAHM (we were expats so I couldn't work). I am glad and my kids have grown up happy and healthy however how can I know if they wouldn't have grown up just as happy and healthy if I had worked.

There are too many variables.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 23/06/2013 18:55

judge away amazingg....I sent DD 1 day a week to nursery and.....I wasn't even working at the time.
I am an evil shit mother clearly.
Oh and do look up "goady fucker " in the dictionary..........

janey68 · 23/06/2013 18:57

I think it's absolutely true that different people can bring different strengths to the tasks of caring for children. But it's equally true that the parents have an entirely different role which goes far beyond the tasks of messy play or going to toddler groups...and children love and bond with their parents in a profound way whether their parents are working or not. Of course, they can also bond with, and love, other people in their lives, such as grandparents, cm, nanny etc. But the parent bond is different and that applies equally to WOHP and SAHP

scottishmummy · 23/06/2013 18:57

I have never had to work,I chose work.because I want to.it suits me
yes I know the precious moments crew judge,but given i care not for their housewife no biggie
it's deliciously funny to see how predictably aghast they are at baby in nursery ft

stepawayfromthescreen · 23/06/2013 18:57

sham bashing bingo card now full.
And the op still hasn't returned.
lol, so easily sucked in, so defensive.
You don't have to defend something ad infinitum on mumsnet if you truly believe that which you preach.
If you play sham bashing bingo on a regular or semi regular basis, then that's because you've clearly got issues and arn't happy doing what you're doing. Whatever else you might say.

stepawayfromthescreen · 23/06/2013 18:58

and you do care, Scottish. Very much. That's why you do sham clubbing as an Olympic sport!!

janey68 · 23/06/2013 18:59

Well said hobnob.
< and I'm not sure having a judgemental goady fucker for a parent is great for kids!!>

flowery · 23/06/2013 18:59

Amazingg

"I love the line 'it makes me a better mother in the time I have with them'"

I don't understand. Do you think I am being inaccurate saying that? Please bear in mind that I have been both a SAHM and worked part time when you answer, and also that you have never met me, as far as I am aware, so probably don't know me as well as I do....

Xmasbaby11 · 23/06/2013 19:00

You talk about cutting costs, but these are all necessities, not luxuries, so TBH I don't think you can afford it.

Do try to find another job first with fewer hours. Best of luck.

janey68 · 23/06/2013 19:00

Sham clubbing. Sounds interesting. Can we come too scottishmummy ? Grin

scottishmummy · 23/06/2013 19:01

and kerching at psychobabble waffle.straight from Frasier box set
because of course,no woman could enjoy working,or truly enthuse about it
it as to be a denial,as only a husk of a woman could leave a baby to pursue career?

scottishmummy · 23/06/2013 19:02

sham clubbing!lol,no idea what it is,but Will gie it a go

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 23/06/2013 19:06

oh and nowhere else do I ever see this never to be breached line between SAHM and WOHM, generally in life people move between both at various ages and stages on their dc's lives. Most parents juggle with full time/part time/shift work/school hours etc etc in lots of different ways as their children grow, I know very few people that are either a SAHM or WOHM exclusively.

stepawayfromthescreen · 23/06/2013 19:07

it's jaw droppingly ridiculous that in 2013 some people are earnestly arguing that daycare providers are equal to parents. Equivalent to them. Perhaps even better.
It's beyond a joke that anyone with a scrap of intellect would believe that.

scottishmummy · 23/06/2013 19:09

I love when all the chin strikers do the doth protest too much speech
hmm.applying that logic they really want to work.what with all the protesting they do
seems it ok for them to vociferously opine,but anyone with contrary opinion does it= denial

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 23/06/2013 19:09

oh the goady fuckers are out in force tonight....I'm off to my Wimbledon /drool over Rafa thread if anyone cares to join me
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/1786835-is-there-a-Wimbledon-thread-yet