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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to lend anymore money?

85 replies

muddyprints · 19/06/2013 13:44

family members recently borrowed £200 off us and are paying back £20 per week, they have paid each week and will be paid up in 3 weeks.

They are now talking about booking a holiday, but I know they cant have money and im convinced they will ask us to borrow more money as soon as the current debt is paid up.

I don't want to lend anymore, but dp feels its his duty to help out and says at least they are paying it back.

We have 2 small kids, live on one wage, have a mortgage and bills to pay, we need some jobs doing on the house, they have borrowed that money, I want to use the money when returned to sort the house, not reloan it, we aren't a bank.

pre kids when we both worked, they borrowed off us all the time, £10 most weeks never returned, sometimes hundreds and half paid back. but we cant afford it anymore.

OP posts:
50shadesofmeh · 19/06/2013 13:46

Just say no then

cozietoesie · 19/06/2013 13:49

Say No - but if you feel awkward, give them a reason why not. You don't have to give them a reason but telling them upfront that you need to spend money on the house might make it easier for you and DP.

claudedebussy · 19/06/2013 13:50

no. you can't afford it. really.

it's not on to borrow money off a young family for a holiday. just not on.

what about your holidays? house? bills?

cozietoesie · 19/06/2013 13:51

PS - and just ignore any 'hints' about holidays. They may be expecting you to offer to help now that they're close to having paid back but don't.

Dackyduddles · 19/06/2013 13:52

Say no. Say why just as you told us, got to pay for xy renovations.

Don't get why dp feels obligated above your family iykwim?

doormat · 19/06/2013 13:54

Say it as it isv ...is my motto..just tell them no...that you need money for bills doing house etc...
And then kindly give them the number for the provvy or other loan company....you are not a bank as you say...
Think they have a cheek imho

LIZS · 19/06/2013 13:54

If that is at the expense of your own family having similar - be it repairs, holiday etc - then no. They sound like leeches tbh and need to learn to budget and live within their own means. Bet the £20 they pay you back is borrowed off someone else who gets a similar sob story Hmm.

throckenholt · 19/06/2013 13:56

Lending them money to sort out an emergency may be one thing, but why feel obligated to lend them money for a holiday. Sounds like they habitually live ahead of their income.

Just tell them you don't have any spare cash.

Jestrin · 19/06/2013 14:01

A big fat juicy NO. You've been too soft a touch for too long. It has to stop now or it'll never stop. Holidays are not cheap, how do they expect to pay for it if they are continually asking you for the odd £10 here or there, even £200?

scarletforya · 19/06/2013 14:06

but dp feels its his duty to help out

This is your problem! You need to talk to your dh and find out why he thinks he has a 'duty' to lend these freeloaders money!

If it's a misguided sense of guilt then he needs to get over it. It's family money and as you said you're not a bank. He is doing his own family a disservice by funding these people. His first duty is to his own family.

flowery · 19/06/2013 14:08

"dp feels its his duty to help out"

I can go along with that if their boiler blows up, or their car breaksdown, or their washing machine gives up the ghost.

But no one is entitled to, or genuinely needs a holiday to get by, so no one should feel a duty to help out anyone else with that.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 19/06/2013 14:15

You need your DP on board. He is the problem as much as they are.

Can you talk to him? Will he understand, or just do it anyway discreetly?

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 19/06/2013 14:18

Your problem then is your husband.

Will they ask you or him?

Will he lend it no matter how you feel?

AdoraBell · 19/06/2013 14:24

DP's duty is to put his family, as in DP and DCs first. Then after everything you need and want as a family is taken care of you can lend part of any spare, left over money you may have. If you want to.

It's not like they need 20 quid to feed the DCs because they suddenly and unexpectedly find themselves skint.

doormat · 19/06/2013 14:25

I would suggest to dp that your family need a holiday...if he says no ...not a good idea..,cant afford it etc

The scroungers sorry family members wont have a leg to stand on...
It will be a clash of concious lol x

Original poster
muddyprints · 19/06/2013 15:00

we are having a cheap holiday in school hols which is accounted for. we need to sort the garden, money was saved but spent on tyres and bunkbeds for kids so we have already waited to get it done.
last year they had saved some money and asked us to book them a last minute haven for £150 which we did as they gave us the money straight away. they are now asking us to book one again and they will give us a deposit. I told them to get it so cheap you book last minute and pay all at once. if you book in advance and just pay deposit it will cost double but they just expect.
every big bill comes as a shock to them, we have told them to put money aside each week ready for bills but they spend as they go and then come borrowing.

OP posts:
Jestrin · 19/06/2013 15:03

Are they incapable of booking their own holiday?

Original poster
muddyprints · 19/06/2013 15:04

I agree holiday isn't essential, but I know how they work, they used to ask for money for luxury and we said no, so they spend on luxury and then ask for essentials like food,gas etc. crafty but dp then feels he cant leave them hungry,cold.
he knows they take the p and always been the same.
they borrow off all family in turn so maybe it will be some other suckers turn this time.
most annoying is when in debt and they forget themselves and mention the meal out they had last night or the plants they treated themselves to, instead of paying back debts. and they buy dds presents all the time, basically with our money and come out looking generous.

OP posts:
Original poster
muddyprints · 19/06/2013 15:04

jestrin, no internet, no landline, no credit/debit cards etc.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 19/06/2013 15:05

muddyprints

No one is forcing them to go on holiday. Sure it's nice - but it's a luxury. If they can't pay for it themselves don't you go doing it.

Original poster
muddyprints · 19/06/2013 15:08

they cannot plan ahead, that's the problem. last year dp said why didn't they give him money each week and he'd save it for them but no. they expect us to save money for them to use and pay back at silly amounts per week.

OP posts:
Original poster
muddyprints · 19/06/2013 15:09

I think dp is swayed by the fact they are regularly paying back this loan no missed weeks and he feels he should for family.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 19/06/2013 15:11

Tell DP that he's actually encouraging stupid behaviour on their part. He may feel that he has to help out family but he's not really helping them at all. How old are they, by the way. roughly?

Jestrin · 19/06/2013 15:13

It sounds like the whole family is enabling them to carry on like this.

EldritchCleavage · 19/06/2013 15:14

Honestly, I had this with a friend. It never stops. What happens is that they start factoring in what you will lend them as income, and living according to what they can borrow rather than what they actually have.

It is very hard, but I find people who habitually do this think only of what they want. They will not even consider what you might have to go without, let alone feel bad about it. My friend used to think that if I had savings, why shouldn't he borrow them? As if it was selfish for me to have money put away while he 'struggled'.

I'd be guilt-tripped with 'Why shouldn't I have nice things? It's alright for you, you can treat yourself, you don't know what it's like' etc etc. Except I couldn't treat myself because he had my disposable income.

They will NEVER cut their coats according to their cloth while you keep lending. Ultimately, it is not a kindness to let them continue in their bad habits.

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