Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

to not want to lend anymore money?

85 replies

muddyprints · 19/06/2013 13:44

family members recently borrowed £200 off us and are paying back £20 per week, they have paid each week and will be paid up in 3 weeks.

They are now talking about booking a holiday, but I know they cant have money and im convinced they will ask us to borrow more money as soon as the current debt is paid up.

I don't want to lend anymore, but dp feels its his duty to help out and says at least they are paying it back.

We have 2 small kids, live on one wage, have a mortgage and bills to pay, we need some jobs doing on the house, they have borrowed that money, I want to use the money when returned to sort the house, not reloan it, we aren't a bank.

pre kids when we both worked, they borrowed off us all the time, £10 most weeks never returned, sometimes hundreds and half paid back. but we cant afford it anymore.

OP posts:

QuintessentialOldDear · 19/06/2013 19:17

I feel for you. I have no advice. We send my dhs mum £200 every month. After tax, so really, it is nearly £2500 of our gross annual salary going to mum. I think it is hard to budget and plan when you are skint, but as you are only human, you still need your little treats and luxuries. Which in her case is very little, as her situation is dire. Does not sound like your inlaws situation is that dire?

doormat · 20/06/2013 07:48

If they cant afford to ensure the car...give it up and sell it.
They are entitked to free bus pass at that age ...

Whether dh parents or not think it is cheeky them hinting at a holiday when you cant afford repairs etc for your own home

As for the hovis bread etc ...think that is very rude..and ungrateful of them

other posters are right your dh is the problem...he needs to start concentrating on his own dc and you..

He could help by making them an appt with cab to see if they are claiming all entitled benefits and where there income is going..

schoolgovernor · 20/06/2013 07:59

You could show DP this thread?

raisah · 20/06/2013 09:11

Say thanks for repaying money and tell them that you have earmarked it for school uniforms, decorating etc.Your dh should realise that he has a duty towards his own family first. Helping family/friends out is a good thing if you can afford to do so but equally those recieving help should prioritse the cash for essentials rather than luxuries like holiday.

Your dh might not want to do this but he should print off details of the money management course run by the CAB. They are living beyond their means if they are relying on handouts all the time. They need to improve their cashflow by taking on a second part time job(Tescos wkend) & reducing their outgoings at the same time.

raisah · 20/06/2013 09:18

Ive just realised your in laws are pensioners so the p/t job advice not appropriate, sorry.

Can they bot downsize to a property which is cheaper to run? Might be worth speaking to the CAB to see if they are receiving everything they are entitled to.

amazingmumof6 · 20/06/2013 09:24

say no

Original poster

muddyprints · 20/06/2013 14:01

reading all replies thanks.
I have made a point each time they repay £20 of saying, that's great, x amount left and then we stand a chance of getting new fence as our is in hole. dps mom asked me if I could change a note the other week and I said no I have no money at all. she asked why I dont have benefits paid to me and I told her I receive no benefits except child benefit which is all spent on kids clothes/shoes/uniform and she was shocked so I think she presumed we got some form of benefits as im not working.

they have always been the same, even before retirement and even when dp was a child, they would run out of money literally.

they dont forget bills, they pay things as they come up but dont budget ahead for anything.

we have cards but wouldn't put anything on them that we cant pay off.

I believe they have enough incomings to pay outgoings, but if weekly bills are £100 and monthly bills are £250 and incomings are £150per week, they pay the £100 bill and spend the left over rather than saving up for the next monthly or 3 monthly bill. they have meals out, drive all over the place, buy plants, have a tea and cake while out etc, they live like they have no money worries, knowing one of the family will be guilt tripped into lending them money.

OP posts:

OTTMummA · 20/06/2013 14:43

Cheeky bitch! asking why you haven't got benefits paid to you!

Wasn't she embarrassed to be asking for help thinking you were in the position of needing benefits!?

I would be just going on and on about how tight things are for you at the moment, if they dared ask for a hand out after hearing that then I wouldn't hesitate to give a few choice words tbh.

They get a free bus pass, let them sell the car if they can't afford to insure it, that will pay for a holiday.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 20/06/2013 14:52

I would be saying that any spare money you are saving for the kids future (eg university fees etc).

Are they getting all the benefits/pension credits they are entitled to? Maybe you could help them with this. Could you/dp offer to draw up a budget with them?

At the end of the day if they can't afford a holiday, they will have to go without. Dittto a car. As others say, they have the free bus pass, the winter fuel allowance.....

RenterNomad · 20/06/2013 15:01

we have cards but wouldn't put anything on them that we cant pay off.

But you would be able to pay it off as you sound like careful budgeters (apart from your OH's reckless sp lending.... chip off the old blocks?). The point, though, would be to really tie up the money so it can't possibly be lent.

Original poster

muddyprints · 24/06/2013 14:46

dp is also a careful budgeter, he always ensures bills are paid, food in house, car sorted, kids have everything they need plus treats, me and dp have what we need.
problem arises when he has saved up for something for house/garden and then he lends it to them,
have sorted disability grants for them in the past, no longer entitled to them though, they are beyond help, will borrow for anything

OP posts:

RenterNomad · 24/06/2013 18:23

Okay, that's brilliant that he saves, and also tgat you know what and when the money is for, particularly when, as you can get higher interest on savibgs if you tie them up. Get a 30-day notice account, or whatever period is suitable, then tie it up!

Original poster

muddyprints · 26/06/2013 14:03

I have researched costs for house repairs and as soon as money returns im pushing to spend it quick but shouldn't have to rush money through house and spend quick just so people cant borrow it.

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 26/06/2013 14:08

No you shouldn't but just look on this as something to learn from for the future. Once you've broken the pattern of lending, things might get easier.

SarahBumBarer · 26/06/2013 14:59

Could you perhaps persuade them to save with you - ie to carry on paying you £20 per week after this debt is paid off so that they have a fund for emergencies/holidays etc?

YANBU

RenterNomad · 26/06/2013 15:55

Good point, cozietoesie. They should be mortified that you are even considering this.

Also, what about inviting them for dinner/lunch explicitly so they can't eat out? If enough family members do this, their spending opportunities might be decreased!

Lweji · 26/06/2013 15:59

"Sorry, but we are saving money for xxxxxxx"

Repeat any time necessary.

ClartyCarol · 26/06/2013 16:40

Bloody hell I think I'd be opening up another account in your name only which your DH can't access, and transfer in the money you need for your house repairs, garden etc.

It doesn't sound like your DH will stand up to them so I think you're going to have to take a deep breath and spell it out for them plain and simple - you cannot afford to lend them any more money as you need it for your own family, house, garden, car etc etc.

And you need to get your DH on board. It is not his duty to bail them out.

Original poster

muddyprints · 27/06/2013 14:55

they should be embarrassed to ask, but they aren't.
no repayment this week, they cant afford it , they gave dd1 a magazine and dd2 some sweets, so that's probably a fiver spent on kids but they cant give us £20 of our own money back.
laid it on thick about cant wait to do repairs and then buy a bed and sort house out, but got to save first.

we have offered to save money for them before, they gave use money each week, one day while we were out 5 miles from home they rung mobile to say where were we cos they need their money now to buy something. dp said we are out and wont be back for an hour. they demanded to know where we were as they were coming to find us and get money. dp hadn't got money on him. they told dp to drive home instantly get the money and drive to meet them as they wanted their money. dp said no. they fell out with us. they had to wait till following day to come over and get money off us. they thought we should carry it round and jump when they wanted it. wont do that again.

OP posts:

RenterNomad · 27/06/2013 18:42

It sounds pathological! Spending your money (on your children) that they're not entitled to?! They want some sort of high from spending, that's quite clear.

Original poster

muddyprints · 23/07/2013 14:41

just an update; money paid back and spent on bed and fencing

ils visited bringing dd1 2 colouring sets, pig pencil, scented ball and dd2 2 books, frog pencil, scented ball so still spending.

mil asked me to go online and look for a holiday for them and she would pay me back £20 a week. I told her its school hols, it would be very expensive now and I don't have any money so NO. she said but I will pay you back and I don't mind the money. I said NO I have no money. she said I might find a cheap holiday and I just kept repeating NO I have no money and cant book anything.

She then went and asked dp if he would book her a holiday. he asked her if she had any money and she said no. he said he couldn't book anything as he had just bought a bed, mattress, fence, paint and had to pay for our own holiday yet, told her to save up first. she just kept saying we could book it (think she was thinking we could use credit card) and she would pay it back. we both told her no, she needs to save up first, we have no money and need to pay our own holiday and spending money. she just kept on and on saying she would pay us back.

she is so selfish and rude and thoughtless and dp was getting really angry as she kept asking.

so glad he said no.

afterwards I said to dp she literally wants us to have no spending money on our hol to fund her hol and I think he realises how selfish she is.

OP posts:

hermioneweasley · 23/07/2013 14:52

Glad your DP is starting to see her behaviour for what it is. It will be harder for him having been raised to see it as normal.

EldritchCleavage · 23/07/2013 15:05

Blimey. I think the fact that your MIL kept on asking both you and your DH shows how deep-seated the problem is. She really needs the instant gratification, doesn't she? Is the spendy behaviour being used as a distraction from something (pain, depression, marriage problems) do you think?

RenterNomad · 23/07/2013 15:12

Bloody hell, what a frustrating update, although good to hear that you're square with them now and also that you got that fence done! Also brilliant to hear how you and DH stood up for yourselves!

YouTheCat · 23/07/2013 15:14

Well done to you and your dp for sticking to your guns and saying no.

Flip

1 2 3 4