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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to lend anymore money?

85 replies

muddyprints · 19/06/2013 13:44

family members recently borrowed £200 off us and are paying back £20 per week, they have paid each week and will be paid up in 3 weeks.

They are now talking about booking a holiday, but I know they cant have money and im convinced they will ask us to borrow more money as soon as the current debt is paid up.

I don't want to lend anymore, but dp feels its his duty to help out and says at least they are paying it back.

We have 2 small kids, live on one wage, have a mortgage and bills to pay, we need some jobs doing on the house, they have borrowed that money, I want to use the money when returned to sort the house, not reloan it, we aren't a bank.

pre kids when we both worked, they borrowed off us all the time, £10 most weeks never returned, sometimes hundreds and half paid back. but we cant afford it anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
muddyprints · 19/06/2013 15:16

70s, bad health in general, another reason dp is swayed.

if we were rich I would help much more, even gift them a holiday, but we are not rich and are putting off repairs for these loans.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 19/06/2013 15:16

It also scuppers a decent, equal, relationship with the people in question. If it happens on a continuing basis that is.

Fluffycloudland77 · 19/06/2013 15:17

Is is his parents op?

cozietoesie · 19/06/2013 15:19

I can see why he's swayed then, muddyprints - but all that's been said above is true. Even at that age, and in bad health, there's no excuse for not budgeting your spend.

Original poster
muddyprints · 19/06/2013 15:19

they factor overdraft as their money and when car needs insuring/servicing etc they just go round the family bank.

but we do budget shop for 4 for £60 and they happily spend £80 per week for 2 and have a dog.

we have previously bought box of shopping for them when hungry and been informed they only use hovis bread etc. not when im paying you dont

OP posts:
Loa · 19/06/2013 15:19

I think you need to point out to your DH that that he is enabling this behavior and it is never going to change unless he stops responding to it.

They may need to get in a mess with no one bailing them out for them to work out it's their responsibility.

Point out it taking money from his DC which while they may not need right now they will in the future.

If he can't just leave them to it which would be best -maybe have him set up an emergency fund for them which is only used in emergencies and define emergences and don't tell them about it- so you don't face a sudden drain- and insist he gets it paid back when the emergency is dealt with - make sure a record is kept so everyone know what happening as I be small amounts at the minute are being forgotten.

cozietoesie · 19/06/2013 15:21

Would a family conference to check that they're managing their assets appropriately be useful, OP ?

Original poster
muddyprints · 19/06/2013 15:23

yes parents. aibu?

OP posts:
Loa · 19/06/2013 15:25

cozietoesie idea is a good one - I know both my GP and my DH GP had forgotten how much money they had all together - as it was split between different accounts or in different financial things.

They were actually astonished about their wealth - which was odd as they seemed to be mentally there.

cozietoesie · 19/06/2013 15:25

Ouch - but no, you're not being unreasonable. They should still be cutting their coat accordingly.

samandi · 19/06/2013 15:26

Are they children? Adults don't normally continually ask for money and ask other adults to organise their lives for them.

cozietoesie · 19/06/2013 15:28

I think it can be difficult, sometimes, with elders Loa. They are sometimes obsessed with keeping some savings intact/private 'just in case' and it can often be surprising what genuinely disposable assets they do have.

samandi · 19/06/2013 15:30

They're older? Parents?

In that case I can possibly understand why they'd ask you to book holiday etc. And I can see why it is harder to put your foot down. Still, it's not on.

AdoraBell · 19/06/2013 15:30

They cannot plan ahead.?? How old are these people OP?

I think, could be wrong, you DP may be feeling frustrated with the constant request, hence the suggestion of just giving them money weekly, and possibly feels obliged to help family rather than actively wanting to help out because they are your family ifwim.

Have you two talked about how you both feel about this? if not I think you should do so on nuetral ground. Make time to go out of the house and talk about why he feels he should help, why you feel resentment, if that's what you feel, and maybe why they feel no embarrassment in expecting you to organise and finance their lifestyle.

Then make a plan to help the two of you tell them no.

AdoraBell · 19/06/2013 15:37

Sorry, missed where you gave their age. So how did they manage while raising their DCs?

Fluffycloudland77 · 19/06/2013 15:41

I thought it would be parents, some people retreat into the past where everything is cheaper by comparison to modern day.

What's affordable with a full time income and what's affordable on a state pensions is vastly different.

But, I don't see why their lifestyle should be funded to the detriment of their own grandchildren.

You have my sympathies op, we sorted out fil insurance earlier, he was arguing it was ok to pay £200 over the odds like its a fecking charity donation or something.

Fluffycloudland77 · 19/06/2013 15:41

YANBU btw.

Loa · 19/06/2013 15:43

cozietoesie yes - it wasn't easy conversations to have with GP in question and came from their very involved and loving DC but did results in relief to everyone.

It will involve your DP having to talk quiet frankly with them muddyprints but it could be a relief all round depends on the people involved.

If its an age and ill health forgetting thing that crept up on them - perhaps setting up direct debits for car insurance - so paid over 12 months or putting money each month into a saving account for things like getting car serviced are things your DP could suggest to them.

Basically looking for ways that big bills aren't forgotten about - though if they have always been this way with money it may be that they won't ever change.

cozietoesie · 19/06/2013 15:44

They sometimes get embarrassed by shopping around, Fluffy - still believe that loyalty (to a firm) is an important part of life. As if most firms give two hoots these days.

TweedWasSoLastYear · 19/06/2013 16:46

Pre emptive strike by asking them for a cash loan for a holiday?

Surely they wont have the nerve to ask your family for a loan , if you have asked them for one first?

Some people are rubbish with money and do not understand where it goes . they need to write down their fixed costs and then outgoings so they can see whats required and when ( but they wont )

Inertia · 19/06/2013 17:10

I was going to suggest the same as Tweed- pre-emptively borrow a nominal amount of money from them and put it away. Might stop them asking you.

Agree that your DH is the problem- his children are going without because he's enabling his parents to splurge on luxuries that they can't afford.

margaery · 19/06/2013 17:24

I think you need to point out to your DH that that he is enabling this behavior and it is never going to change unless he stops responding to it.

yep i agree with this. I had probs with DH giving money to FIL (who hasn't bothered to work since he was 30 something cos it was too much like hard work). So DH has got used to rescuing him since he was a kid. He even bought him a car a few years ago pre-kids cos FIL 'doesn't so public transport'. I was working, but it meant i was having to subsidise as DH didn't have enough money to go halves with me despite earning more than me ! Was not happy. Anyway, after a big struggle he told FIL that he's not going to be able to help him out with money as he has kids now, and now i'm a SAHM, we def haven't go enough to even do house maintenance.

lateSeptember1964 · 19/06/2013 18:12

I agree your husband is an enabler. Although I recognise it's difficult when it's parents. If you have heard of Dave Ramsey the American finance guy he would equate your husbands behaviour to "giving a drunk a drink"? It is your husband who needs to put boundaries in place.

RenterNomad · 19/06/2013 18:38

Can you get a credit card for the family (your small family, not your PIL).? That means you can get your needs in, and then have to pay it off, meaning no spare money to "lend".

If you get a card with a low limit, it could be manageable, even on your income. And if the APR is high (because of the risk of lending to you on a low income), all the more reason you can't lend anything.

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/06/2013 19:08

" dp feels its his duty to help out "
But he's not helping out, is he? Every time he loans them money, he encourages them to stay in this cycle of borrow/forget to repay. Big picture, he is hindering, not helping them.

If they can drop hints about holidays, then you can drop hints about being skint. Lay it on with a trowel. And threaten your DP with a major strop if he loans them money that is NEEDED at home. It doesn't matter that it's his parents, they'll slope off and guilt-trip someone else. He should be putting you and your DC first.