AIBU to ask why there is such a visceral response to children in boarding schools?

[DaemonPantalaemon]

Is this a UK thing? I live in an African country where the best schools tend to be boarding schools, and so people are happy to send their children there. I was at such a school myself from the age of 12, and I never once thought that my parents had "sent me off" or 'dumped' me. In fact, I would say that 60 to 70% of the kids in my country are in boarding.

Does this mean that all the parents in my country who make this choice are bad parents? Or is this just a UK thing?

More importantly, I have heard really great things about the pastoral care at UK boarding schools, and would actually consider sending my own DC to a UK school when DC is about 12.

I am trying to get my head around why this would be such a bad choice, as it seems to be from the Mumsnet posts I have read. I can understand why some parents would not want to send their own DCs to such schools, but why is there such an immediate and visceral reaction about the choices that other parents make for THEIR children?

Surely parents who choose this option do it for the best reasons, and they would be careful about the schools they choose?

So why so much hate about choices other parents make for their own children?

Why would you think that ds didn't have a birthday cake at home too?

Mind you we couldn't match the volume of the rendition of happy birthday he had at dinner.

Boarding schools are selling you a very expensive product.

Of course they're going to tell you that they're doing a WONDERFUL job of being surrogate parents to your child.

And children generally say what they think their parents want to hear, because they know their parents love them and want the best for them. I know I did when I was at boarding school. Actually I was emotionally damaged by the experience but I wasn't able to voice my feelings to myself at the time. I had very high levels of fear and anxiety throughout my time at boarding school, because you know what? I missed my mum and needed her. Most children do you know.

As for African boarding schools being wonderful nurturing places, I have heard hideous stories from children who have been through these places about regimes involving severe corporal punishment.

here

"I'm amazed no-one has written a book on this subject (though I have read some negative things in biographies)."

There's this one: here

One thing I don't understand is why people who are probably now in their 30s/40s think that boarding schools must be exactly the same as the ones they attended. Why do they think time has stood still in boarding schools but not in the rest of the educational world?

I was educated in the state system and the schooling I received in the 1970s bears no relation to that delivered today.

Honestly bico, I respect you fighting your corner, but I think you'll have to accept that what you're describing is totally alien to 99% of people.

I would no more allow my child to board at choir school (yes even if they begged) than I would allow them to board at a stage school/ballet school/tour the world with a rock band or whatever. Just because these choirs require little boys' voices doesn't mean it justifies boarding weekly or not. I can't see how a choir (even one with 100s of years of history) could outweigh family life?

My eldest has special needs. I think there probably are better places that could meet his needs than his present school. We considered moving to be near one, but we decided that that didn't work best for us as a family and he needs to be with us. However, I have seen it work for children who have a higher level of need than my ds, but it broke the parents' hearts to send him away.

I was educated in the 70's/80's in state schools and imo it's not that different to how school is now for ds who is 11. In fact I often say to Dh 'ffs do they STILL do xyz?'

So forgive me for doubting BS had changed that much either.

We shall have to agree to disagree. I choose to live a life of opportunities and I encourage ds to do the same. I would hate to live a life of just sticking with what I know.

I've always let ds do a range if different experiences and some friends criticise this by saying there will be nothing left for him to try/experience when he's older. I've never really understood that viewpoint and I suppose I won't ever understand those that put their own feelings above those of their dcs.

Bico

Thanks so much for sharing your experiences. You are doing a wonderful thing in enabling your son to do something he loves, something he is passionate about, and developing the very best of his talent. I have also noticed that MN is not the ideal place to talk about gifted children ... you are going to get the pushy parent label any minute from now:) I can imagine that it is hard not to see your son every day, but it must be lovely to see him so happily settled, fulfilled and singing his dreams

LaQueen

Of course you love your kids! I don't understand though why it is so hard for you to accept that parents who send their kids to BS love their kids too. That is an extraordinary statement to make. How can you possibly know about the circumstances of EVERY family in the world where the children board?

Minifingers says As for African boarding schools being wonderful nurturing places, I have heard hideous stories from children who have been through these places about regimes involving severe corporal punishment

I did not say the schools in my country were "wonderful nurturing places", in fact I said up the thread that UK schools were vastly superior in their pastoral care, and that is why I would consider sending my child to the UK.

Also, unlike you, I do not know everything there is to know about all "African boarding schools". Africa is a continent of 50 odd countries, it is not a single country, and I would never have the presumption to talk about a whole continent as blithely as you do. I have talked only about the experience in my one African country. I hope it's okay that I do not name where I am from as I would prefer not to "Out" myself.

Mercibucket says: the history of boarding schools in Africa is pretty grim too - cheaper to convert than to kill the 'natives

The history of everything brought by colonialism is pretty grim in my country, and in others. Maybe we should all just curl up, give up and die? Or perhaps, like other parts of the world with a grim history, we take ownership of our grim history, we confront it, address it, and vow to make lives better for the coming generations?

My 15yo DD is at a state boarding school, in fact she has just finished her GCSEs and comes home for good tomorrow. She joined on her 11th birthday thanks to being a 31 August birthday. While it would not be true to say that she has loved every minute, she could have come home three weeks ago and couldn't tear herself away! She has done extremely well there and I'm pleased with the standard of pastoral care she has received. It's not for everyone, her 13yo sister attends a local high school and didn't want to board. It was DD1's choice and she doesn't regret it.

Postmanpatscat

Thanks for sharing. I hope your post busts the myth that children in BS are not loved by their parents!!!! But following the logic of some posters on this thread, you will be told very soon that you love your DD2 more than you love DD1 :)

Daemon thank you for your kind words. I hope this thread hasn't put you off UK boarding schools.

I think a lot of people struggle to consider a concept for them that is very much in the abstract. Until you are in the position of having to decide whether you would choose boarding for your dcs I'm not sure it is that easy to form a realistic view. It is the same way here as the divide between private and state schools. Some people with no experience of private schools have strong ideas about them even though they've never actually set foot inside one.

Good luck with your decision. We are at the end of ds's first boarding (albeit flex boarding) year and he is really looking forward to September when he'll be boarding 5 nights a week instead of 3. If that means a bunch of strangers on the internet think I love him less then that's for them. Both ds and I know how much we mean to each other

The schools themselves may have changed but the time apart is the issue for me not the type of education etc. All schools have moved on but I still wouldn't have left my ds there for weeks on end.

noddy, I speak to/text/email my DD every day and I see her every weekend. She is 22 miles away. That's hardly being left 'for weeks on end'.

Fair enough but it is similar to those parents who accompany their dcs on school trips and stay in the same hotels all because they can't bear the thought of their children actually enjoying time away from them (I have friends and relatives who have done this and think it is normal).

postmanpat but you can't physically cuddle her every day can you which clearly makes you a parenting delinquent

I don't think it's in any way similar to that at all bico

There's a world of difference between not wanting to let your child out of your sight, and not caring whether you get physical contact with them for weeks at a time.

bico , she is taller than me so the cuddles are more from her to me than me to her! She just loves to loom over me :)

postmanpat ds is getting similar and he's only 9 (and I'm quite tall too!).

Worral good to know that sending your dcs to boarding school equals not caring about seeing them. Even so-called full boarding schools let their pupils see their parents every week.

I'll make sure that ds knows I'll love him less when he's full boarding

And children generally say what they think their parents want to hear, because they know their parents love them and want the best for them. I know I did when I was at boarding school. Actually I was emotionally damaged by the experience but I wasn't able to voice my feelings to myself at the time. I had very high levels of fear and anxiety throughout my time at boarding school, because you know what? I missed my mum and needed her. Most children do you know.

That's an interesting post...and I don't doubt that there are children who board who have had similar issues.

My own experience was very different. I have never had any trouble articulating my feelings to either of my parents, nor have I hidden them. My father didn't want me to be forced into boarding school, but he worked away a lot so didn't feel that he could impose his views on my mother. My mother wanted me gone, she had her beloved twins and I was surplus to requirements. My relationship with my mother took 10 years to reach 'civil' (and is still not good), my relationship with my father is rock solid (as it was pre boarding school). I don't have a relationship as such with the twins, they are spoilt brats who (as adults) are still dependent on their mummy - my mother's actions have turned them into thoroughly unlikeable people with no redeeming qualities at all.

All that aside, I loved the school I went to. I loved the independence and the environment, I only wish it has been discussed with me instead of forced on me. As an adult I have had issues with letting others in, however that is very much a function of my screwed up relationship with my mother...boarding school was the mechanism not the cause.

bico you sound very defensive for some reason?

I said there's a world of difference between not allowing your child on school trips without you...and not caring whether you have physical contact for weeks at a time.

Or even just seeing them once every week, come to think of it..

As for the "I'll make sure that ds knows I'll love him less when he's full boarding"...again that sort of silly word twisting just makes you sound really defensive.

If you're genuinely happy with your choice, you should be able to debate the subject without adding emotive word twisting.

My mum grew up in an African country and went to BS both there and in the UK. She was utterly miserable and hence my brother and I both went to (private) day schools.

I do get a bit judgey pants about friends local to me who send their children to private day and boarding schools as we have an excellent local comprehensive. I see sending your child boarding as "outsourcing" your parenting. I understand that some people believe that other people are better placed to educate their children and give them a broad range of experiences, and some boarding schools do have amazing facilities and extra curricular activities but, personally, I want to do all the fun stuff with them. In the UK there is hardly anywhere in the country where you can't access great sport and cultural facilities, so you can give your children whatever opportunities you want to with a bit of effort outside school hours. And you get to be there with them while they do it all.

My late Mil went to a church boarding school at 4 in the 1930'sand was a most wise,sensible independent educated person .
I went to a dance/ballet boarding school at 5 in the 1950s and had a great career .
It was not easy,but life is not easy and you need the tools that a good education provides.You don't miss what you don't know

You don't miss what you don't know

Sadly that is not usually true.

Worral not defensive at all, more tongue in cheek. I'm secure in my parenting but it does get a bit tedious when people accuse you of loving your child less because you don't see them every day.

Ds had to move schools to take up his scholarship. We discovered very recently that the pupils in his year at his old school told incoming pupils that he had been expelled. It wasn't just one child saying this, it was several.

The children spreading this story saw their parents every day.

Just makes me wonder what they overheard their parents discussing at home and also made me realise that, at least in ds's case, a lot of the comments were fuelled by