my sister's new boyfriend touches women inappropriately.

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Just wondering what people think about this. My sister has a new boyfriend, following a painful divorce. She is very pleased to have met someone and desperate to make it work. This guy is OK, however, he persistently touches women in a completely inappropriate manner. The kind of thing I means is he'll put his hand on your back and then let it drop down 'brushing' your bum. He will 'brush' your boob as he kisses you hello/good bye. Etc. I am not the only person to have noticed this!

I have mentioned this to my sister, and she tells me she has had a word with her boyfriend, pointed out that he makes people uncomfortable. She says that he doesn't know he's doing it - and he doesn't think he is doing anything wrong. Can it really be an accident??

Anyway, my main concern is that my sister has young daughters and it looks like this guy is going to be their stepfather. How can we be sure that he won't do it to them? Am I worrying about nothing? Do we just shrug it off? That seems to be the feeling within my family, don't rock the boat ... but I just don't feel OK about it. Am I being unreasonable? What would you do?

'he doesn't know he's doing it - and he doesn't think he is doing anything wrong. Can it really be an accident'

No.

If it was genuinely accidental he would have been mortified and would be making a real effort to stop. As he doesn't seen to be doing that then I would conclude he us a creepy perv.

Eew. He knows full well. Had a similar issue with my friend's bf a few years back and he knew full well...as he did it a few times when drunk but was less subtle, proving that he was faking his ignorance on the matter (though I'd told my friend months before and had to cut contact and he creeped me the hell out after that).

Accidents are a one off...not a repeat occurrence!

Exactly! As such, my view is how can we allow a creepy perv potential access to young girls? But my family think I am over-reacting - that I am accusing him of being a child abuser with no evidence. I'm not. But I don't think that my nieces should have to grow up in an environment where there's ANY risk that their stepfather could be 'brushing' their boobs 'accidentally'. And that they wouldn't feel able to tell their mother.

Blech - creepy!

Agree with others, if accidental, he would be mortified & would try really hard to not do it.

Keep talking to your sister about it (and maybe other females in the family).

I'd also make a big deal of it if he does it to you, esp in company, to both assess his response on being pulled up on it and to make your sister more aware.

What happens when he 'accidentally' does this? Just wondering how people generally react?

Don't shrug this off, that would be want a real abuser wanted. If he genuinely didn't realise he was doing it, he should be mortified and suddenly become self-conscious of his own gestures.

If your DSis is "desperate to make it work" she may be downplaying his tactile nature (which I, as a complete stranger, would say was inappropriate touching too)

He does sound like a creep. But presumably he does do this to grown women? Do you have any reason to believehhewould be inappropriate towards children?

This is no accident! How horrible. I am not sure what you could do though if your sister does not see it as a deal breaker (which I would!)

I wouldn't focus on your nieces. I'd focus on the fact that he behaves like this with her sister, whoever else has mentioned it to you etc. Does she really think she's not worth someone who doesn't touch up her female friends and family?

A family member of mine got together with someone similar after a divorce and a violent relationship. He always put his hands on you if he was talking to you (though not anywhere overtly dodgy), got into your personal space and asked inappropriate questions and steered the conversation onto sex. He was a sleazy creep. He did this to some younger female family members (very early 20s, less than half his age) so he stopped being invited to family events. She was still invited but would never come without him.

If your sister sticks with him she's going to lose friends over it.

i would stop the kissing hello/goodbye thing , there is no need , as others say he should be mortified , but if he thinks he is doing no wrong after it has been pointed out , it sounds dodgy to me .

I think that people generally react in that very English, don't want to create a scene way. Each time he has done it I say to myself or DH, next time I will tell him he's a perv! However, I have found it very difficult to pull him up on this, as it's always done so publicly that you'd have to say it in front of my sister, and/or other people in a social gathering, and/or in front of her kids. And bizarrely I am always slightly surprised and can't find the right words quickly enough. But it's interesting (and horrible) because that makes me think: is this his strategy? If he did it when we were alone it would actually be easier to say something - but as he does it 'in public' it almost becomes easier to hide. Hope that makes sense. I think that her friends and some of my family just think haha, bit of a groper, but otherwise a nice guy so never mind. I'd go along with that to some extent, if it wasn't for the kids.

What would you do?

Call him on it next time, loudly and ideally in front of your nieces so they know that it's not acceptable and they don't have to put up with it.

As an earlier poster said, if he's a decent sort he will stop doing it, if not your sister will see how it looks to everyone else and will hopefully do something about it!

If my Sisters boyfriend 'accidentally' touched my boobs/arse I'd grab his arm and ask him what the hell he thinks he was doing.

Mind you - similar has actually happened with a friendsBF n- he actually grabbed my boob. I went mad at him and my friend thought I was over reacting!

Yes, think you're right about calling him on it. Like the point about saying something in front of nieces, as that teaches them what is OK and what is not. Will try and think of a good response and keep it there ready!

Can you practise saying "Don't touch my breasts you perv" (or similar) in front of the mirror? Then next time he does it you won't be hunting for words.

Wtf? Why haven't you confronted him about this? Don't be such a coward.

Doesn't know he's doing it? my arse.

I would being saying 'touch me like that again and you really will be losing all feeling in your hands'

Totally agree about calling him on it in front of your nieces. Shows them its totally inappropriate and also that they'll be able to talk to you about it if he starts with them.

How old are your nieces?

Yes - will do that MrsHoarder. Thing is, he is CLEVER - the touch is always fairly light and very brief. So you start questioning yourself. Although I don't know why as the consensus view amongst females is that he is a perv! When my sister has brought it up with him before, apparently he has suggested that her family all hate him so they would say that wouldn't they kind of thing. God, the more I write though, the worse this sounds.

A loud 'Please take your hand off my arse' should suffice.

The right words?

Loudly "Don't touch my arse/breasts please, you know you are doing it, stop it!". If he pleads ignorance, don't get into it, just keep repeating the same statement. Make sure everyone can hear.

He sounds grim!

Point taken MurderofCrows!

And mention it again to my sister? Or deal with it direct with him next time?