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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

my sister's new boyfriend touches women inappropriately.

100 replies

xzyabc · 17/06/2013 09:33

Just wondering what people think about this. My sister has a new boyfriend, following a painful divorce. She is very pleased to have met someone and desperate to make it work. This guy is OK, however, he persistently touches women in a completely inappropriate manner. The kind of thing I means is he'll put his hand on your back and then let it drop down 'brushing' your bum. He will 'brush' your boob as he kisses you hello/good bye. Etc. I am not the only person to have noticed this!

I have mentioned this to my sister, and she tells me she has had a word with her boyfriend, pointed out that he makes people uncomfortable. She says that he doesn't know he's doing it - and he doesn't think he is doing anything wrong. Can it really be an accident??

Anyway, my main concern is that my sister has young daughters and it looks like this guy is going to be their stepfather. How can we be sure that he won't do it to them? Am I worrying about nothing? Do we just shrug it off? That seems to be the feeling within my family, don't rock the boat ... but I just don't feel OK about it. Am I being unreasonable? What would you do?

OP posts:

RobotElephant · 17/06/2013 10:02

God, he sounds awful :(

Grab his wrist and say "do not touch my arse"

Justfornowitwilldo · 17/06/2013 10:03

'When my sister has brought it up with him before, apparently he has suggested that her family all hate him so they would say that wouldn't they kind of thing. God, the more I write though, the worse this sounds.'

If your sister is buying this shit she needs a serious reality check.

diddl · 17/06/2013 10:03

Well I'd stop the "kiss" greeting tbh & not get close anymore.

RobotElephant · 17/06/2013 10:03

Do NOT say please. That implies you're asking him. You're not.

Sparklysilversequins · 17/06/2013 10:06

He sounds AWFUL!

Poor nieces .

TheBirdsFellDownToDingADong · 17/06/2013 10:07

Yuck. What a slime.

Don't feel bad about offending him, or your sister. If he is a new boyfriend then maybe it's time she had her eyes opened.

He sounds utterly repulsive.

I'd go for the slapping his hand and loudly saying "get your hands the fuck away from me you twat" but then I'm diplomatic and subtle. You might want to try something harsher.

TheBirdsFellDownToDingADong · 17/06/2013 10:07

I'd show her this thread as well.

AMumInScotland · 17/06/2013 10:10

I think you're right he does it publicly so that - 1. you won't make a scene, and 2. he can claim it was accidental, because 'of course' he wouldn't be groping you in public, would he?

So you have to get over your embarassment and call him on it. Loudly. Every time.

And switch to shaking hands hello/goodbye, saying "I prefer not being groped, thanks" if he comments or leans in.

At the moment he is making it your problem, which you are worrying about privately. Make it public, make it his problem.

Your nieces may or may not be at specific risk from him. But they are definitely at risk of growing up thinking that putting up with being groped is just what women have to live with, if they see you and others accepting this behaviour.

ParadiseChick · 17/06/2013 10:11

What a vile man. I agree, grab what and a firm no. Was your sister in a bad way when she met him? I know you say recently divorced but this doesn't always equal vulnerable.

Buzzardbird · 17/06/2013 10:14

Is he really likely to become their stepdad though if he is her "new boyfriend"?
Just call him out on it every time, you have nothing to lose. I'm sure your sister will get fed up of it in the end...but not if no-one says anything.
I used to have a friend that none of us mix with anymore because her new boyfriend did this and none of us said anything as we felt so uncomfortable. I wish I had.

PeterParkerSays · 17/06/2013 10:22

I would start being more militant about this - grab "wandering" hand as it heads to your boob and say in a loud voice"is this your's? Well keep it away from me please, I don't like you invading my space" whilst digging your nails into said hand.

If that doesn't work, I'd aim for shaking hands with him and stepping back from being kissed.

badbride · 17/06/2013 10:37

I find that having my bum groped triggers an involuntary muscle reflex that swings my fist forwards into the groper's groin. Fortunately, I don't hit hard. Fortunately, a soft blow is all that would be required, to get the groper to back the hell off, if my actions were intentional. Which they're not.

It was an accident. Frighfully sorry.

specialsubject · 17/06/2013 10:46

sounds like he has picked up on your sister's desperation and lack of clear thinking.

we don't KNOW that he will be a child abuser, but he is certainly a sexual offender with adults. Make a fuss next time.

Snazzywaitingforsummer · 17/06/2013 10:55

Agree with the advice to say something next time - I would make it assertive without actually calling him names, to make it clear that you are the rational one. 'What are you doing? DO NOT touch me like that, that's out of order' or one of the other versions suggested. And keep repeating it if he denies. I also like the suggestion of shaking hands and saying 'No thanks, I don't like being groped' if he leans in for closer contact.

I also think you should talk to your sister generally about taking a step back. Her being 'desperate to make it work' sounds worrying. Try to get her to see that she doesn't have to jump into any relationship and it's best to be clear that it's a good one and not rush anything - make it about relationships in general as well as him.

AlistairSim · 17/06/2013 10:59

I find that saying "Don't touch me again or you'll be waving goodbye with a stump" works well.
Say it loud. He is the one causing this, not you. He has NO right to touch you at all.

thebody · 17/06/2013 11:05

The most worrying thing though is your sisters vulnerability and his saying you all hate him hoping to maybe distance herself from you all so he has more control over her away from your influence.

I agree with others saying call him out, get your dh to also call him out so he can't just say its you being precious.

froubylou · 17/06/2013 11:13

Echo what the others have said about making a point when he does do it.

A friend of DPs did it a couple of times to me. Grabbed my bum, brushed past my boobs etc. I warned him one with a 'Touch my bum one more time and I will rip your bolloxs from your groin with my bare hands'. He laughed in my face, then did it again a few days later.

I cupped his manhood everyso gently, smiled, then twisted quite hard. He went bright red and limped off to the loo to inspect the damage. Never done it again though.

But him not doing it to you doesn't mean he isn't doing it to others. If he does it to your nieces call him in on. Maybe a discreet word to them about what they think of him could be helpful in establishing what is happening. If you have concerns voice them with your sister until she listens.

If she is so blinded by love that she can not see what he is doing then TBH I don't fancy your chances at coming out of this well. But if there are vulnerable people involved beyond your sister then you have to do something.

The Jimmy Saville mess shows what can happen when nothing is said despite evidence to the contrary.

CSIJanner · 17/06/2013 11:16

The thing is, you've spoken to your sister and she's had a word. If he keeps doing it, you could try a couple of things - like keeping note of how many times and then yelling bingo on the 3rd touch.

You could try the third person author approach

"Did you have a nice fondle there?"
"Keep it going - DH is looking forward to chatting with you later on"

Or the pressure spot approach - grab hand, rip back finger until he cries out, or even grab hold of the hand and press hard just under the hand bones just above the wrist. Hurts like hell.

If its in front of your sister, call him out on it. "It makes me uncomfortable and you clearly know you're doing it. Is this how you are with the rest of the family?"

And talk to your sister - explain that you don't hate him but his behaviour is starting to make you uneasy. Tell her you love her and her children, and will always be there no matter what but his actions are making you and your husband uncomfortable. Quite simply, you don't like being touched up, especially by your sisters other half.

Bleurgh! I couldn't even contemplate being intimate with someone who had groped my sister.

TheFallenNinja · 17/06/2013 11:18

There are fairly well publicised regions on a woman that are invitation only.

This is no accident.

WafflyVersatile · 17/06/2013 11:26

And if he says 'soz, accident!' say 'well you need to be more careful because you seem to have a lot of accidents'.

Not sure about the jump from stealth groper to child abuser is though.

PunkHedgehog · 17/06/2013 11:31

No need to formulate 'the right words'. "OY! Hands!" covers it perfectly well.

EglantinePrice · 17/06/2013 11:34

Next time he does it (he still does it to you after you've mentioned it to your sister?! )

Take his hand and say one of

"please don't touch my breast"
"Did you mean to touch my breast only I've noticed its not the first time you've done it?"

Be ready for him to laugh it off to try and make you feel like the U one. Be prepared to say something like

"Well its not the first time so I don't believe it is an accident"
"Well at least two other people have mentioned you've done it to them so it doesn't seem like an accident to me"
"you've accidentally done it to a lot of people so you really need to be more careful"

He's obviously used to getting away with it so you may have to be quite direct to get him to stop.

MadBusLady · 17/06/2013 11:34

I think that her friends and some of my family just think haha, bit of a groper, but otherwise a nice guy so never mind.

God, how can people think like this? It's like "bit of a mugger" or "bit of a flasher". No-one's going to die, but why would anyone want to be around someone like that?

EglantinePrice · 17/06/2013 11:35

Also perhaps you should do it in front of your nieces so they can see that its not acceptable and know they can speak to you if necessary. And also (God forbid) have some ideas of things that they could say to him should the need ever arise.

miemohrs · 17/06/2013 11:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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