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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my sister's new boyfriend touches women inappropriately.

100 replies

xzyabc · 17/06/2013 09:33

Just wondering what people think about this. My sister has a new boyfriend, following a painful divorce. She is very pleased to have met someone and desperate to make it work. This guy is OK, however, he persistently touches women in a completely inappropriate manner. The kind of thing I means is he'll put his hand on your back and then let it drop down 'brushing' your bum. He will 'brush' your boob as he kisses you hello/good bye. Etc. I am not the only person to have noticed this!

I have mentioned this to my sister, and she tells me she has had a word with her boyfriend, pointed out that he makes people uncomfortable. She says that he doesn't know he's doing it - and he doesn't think he is doing anything wrong. Can it really be an accident??

Anyway, my main concern is that my sister has young daughters and it looks like this guy is going to be their stepfather. How can we be sure that he won't do it to them? Am I worrying about nothing? Do we just shrug it off? That seems to be the feeling within my family, don't rock the boat ... but I just don't feel OK about it. Am I being unreasonable? What would you do?

OP posts:
Gingersstuff · 17/06/2013 11:37

Red flags everywhere OP. New boyfriend who is likely to become the kids' stepfather?? Your sister is "desperate to make it work" ?? Bit of a groper?? Your sister (and your family) need a reality check. This guy is a first-class creep.

TheOrchardKeeper · 17/06/2013 11:39

It may be worth changing tactic and pointing out to your sister that he's not stopped doing it and is trying to possible drive a wedge between her and those who have pointed it out already.

She'll probably be defensive but then at least if he continues saying things like it's because you all hate him it might make her think or see bloody sense !!

Halfling · 17/06/2013 11:44

Just say, very loudly, HANDS OFF PLEASE!

It is not particularly rude, can be said in front of the nieces and will get the message across.

My Grand Father's friend used to grope me a lot, esp. at parties - birthdays, weddings, family gatherings etc. Sometimes he would just tickle me inappropriately.

When I was about 10 yo, I started saying Hands Off Me very loudly. He stopped soon enough but continued to grope my cousins.

I sometimes wonder if the grown ups in my family were blind or plain stupid...

zipzap · 17/06/2013 11:49

Knee jerk reaction every time he touches you inappropriately - literally - just knee him in the bollocks each time. And explain why.

iamadoozermum · 17/06/2013 11:50

Perhaps doing it in public is part of the thrill - I'm thinking frotterism here medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/Frotterism and a bit of a power trip? He knows that most women won't do/say anything and if they do, then he can make them seem over-sensitive or unreasonable.

Definitely call him out on it though, if he's happy to do this to his partner's close family, what would make him stop doing it to her daughters when they get old enough?

WorraLiberty · 17/06/2013 11:57

Your Sister's got a new boyfriend and it looks like he's going to be their Stepfather?

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 17/06/2013 12:01

I'd fix with a steely glare, smile in a chummy way and then say 'Do you mind not stroking my boob/arse? Only it makes me uncomfortable and forces me to assume that you're some kind of creepy pervert. Which I'm sure you don't want.' Keep eye contact until he has to look away. If he then does it again, I favour a violent shoving reaction and quite a bit of swearing. He's relying on everyone keeping quiet. So make some noise.

FreudiansSlipper · 17/06/2013 12:06

yuk

he knows what he is doing. a very loud hands off no doubt he will reply (as this will have been said to him many times) oh what did i do or feign innocence in some way Hmm let it be known it is not the first time

your nieces do sadly need you to show them what is not acceptable

i had an uncle like that too Hafling though he was always watched he would always try and get a sneaky grope

FreudiansSlipper · 17/06/2013 12:08

i think you need to speak again with your sister and other family members about your concerns not just about him but your sister too and how she is already making excuses for him

Fillyjonk75 · 17/06/2013 12:13

I'd make sure I was wearing heels and step back onto his toe, scraping down his leg first. And also speak to my sister about it.

TheOrchardKeeper · 17/06/2013 12:44

some creep on the tube once pressed his hard-on into my back...I was only bloody 17!

And despite being young and naturally passive/quiet the shock made me very loudly say "DO YOU MIND..."!?

It did work.

Anything along those lines is a good idea, as well as obviously trying to talk to the family/your sister again.

TheOrchardKeeper · 17/06/2013 12:45

(that was a pretty dumb move considering it was the tube and only a few people were on board at the time but it was one of those instant reaction scenarios.

Hope you manage to find a way to get through to your sister or at least give her some food fore thought).

ENormaSnob · 17/06/2013 12:59

I would be very concerned about your neices tbh.

YouMakeMeWannaLaLa · 17/06/2013 13:00

My friend's H does this. His favourite 'trick' is, when standing next to you, he drapes his arm round your neck, all casual and friendly then lets his hand 'rest' on your boob. Yuck. There is even a photo of this when we're all stood in a group!

I totally understand how it makes you feel, OP. It's so easy to say 'just call him on it', 'bend his fingers back', 'scream fuck off', etc. but when it happens, it's kinda humiliating and makes you feel complicit or something. It puts the onus on you to make a scene and upset your sister even though you know you are in no way to blame Sad

In my situation, I did once say 'stop groping me' and got sneered at by him 'you wish, love' and accused of shitstirring and ruining the night by her Hmm Don't socialise with him now, just her, but I do pity her.

Some people prefer not to see.

I'd just keep him at arm's length (literally).

Original poster
xzyabc · 17/06/2013 13:23

God, this has been quite eye-opening. I am thinking of talking to my sister but know what her reaction will be, namely, that I just don't like him and am trying to make her unhappy as a result. For those asking about the potential stepfather thing, I guess 'new' is relative here. He's been about for a bit. I think my best option is to call him out next time he does it. By the way, I am not saying he is a child abuser or that he will definitely touch the kids, but he helps himself to everybody else, so no guarantee that he won't with my nieces. I would consider him 'accidentally' brushing their boobs as child abuse.

OP posts:
TheOrchardKeeper · 17/06/2013 13:32

I'd worry about him taking advantage when they're 'old teens' if you now what I mean. Look almost like women but don't have that sort of confidence/experience to know if it was right iyswim? He certainly seems to play on the fact it's in public so it's on you if you speak up.

Try and think of a way you could approach your sister that would make her the least defensive (easier said than done and whatever you say she probably will be defensive to some extent but it's worth sitting down and planning what you'll say in such a way that is less 'he this' and 'he that' and more 'I've noticed/others have mentioned' - sounds silly but it can make a big difference when it comes to instant reactions). Hope that doesn't sound too patronizing!

It's frustrating when you want someone to see what's going on and they seem to be too close to the forest to see the trees Hmm

Original poster
xzyabc · 17/06/2013 13:42

Agreed re@ old teens orchardkeeper. Thing is I think she already knows. But is refusing to see it. If she's not with this man, she's stuffed financially. That is, quite literally it seems, the bottom-line.

OP posts:
TWinklyLittleStar · 17/06/2013 13:46

I bet he never "accidentally" touches a man's arse. Creep.

TheOrchardKeeper · 17/06/2013 13:46

Ah, so maybe it's actually selective blindness to some extent? Do you think she may have convinced herself it's harmless?

If that's the case then I'd try to make sure the girls knew they could talk to you/other family members and keep a close eye on the situation.

He's probably just your standard groper & not a pedophile etc but it's that teen stage that's a bit worrying (and the fact your sister seems to be putting up with more than she should due to financial vulnerability).

neunundneunzigluftballons · 17/06/2013 13:55

Do what I did when FIL grabbed my crotch at 8 months pregnant (obviously he is also capable of gropping inappropriately). Roar at him get your fucking hand off my crotch or next time I will break it for you. FIL is still an asshole but he hasn't touched me inappropriately since.

Scrubber · 17/06/2013 14:01

He grabbed your crotch! Bloody hell what an arsehole Neun!

neunundneunzigluftballons · 17/06/2013 14:14

Yes he is an arsehole this is only one of many, many reasons I do not like the man.

candyandyoga · 17/06/2013 14:19

I'm scared for your nieces, I really am.

I'm always so sad to hear when women put a man before their kids. He is trouble and she is doing wrong by her children. I just hope he doesn't do it to them.

Musicaltheatremum · 17/06/2013 14:28

You need to rehearse it in advance so you are ready for him. Easier said than done but maybe some role playing with someone so you can come up with the most cutting remark. I am sure mumsnet can help. Smile

BegoniaBampot · 17/06/2013 14:30

Call him on it but be prepared that you might be seen as the OTT party pooper making a bit of a fuss over nothing and embarrassing everyone. Hopefully everyone will see your point of view and agree with you, you shouldn't have to put up with this crap.