To ask you to cheer me up with your favourite laugh-out-loud quotation from a book, play or film?

[SybilRamkin]

I've just partially cheered myself up with the some P. G. Wodehouse:

?She fitted into my biggest arm-chair as if it had been built round her by someone who knew they were wearing arm-chairs tight about the hips that season? ~ Carry On, Jeeves

And also this gem from Oscar Wilde:

"I would strongly advise you, Mr. Worthing, to try and acquire some relations as soon as possible, and to make a definite effort to produce at any rate one parent, of either sex, before the season is quite over" ~ The Importance of Being Earnest

I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries

and

Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of a silly person

From Monty Python

Also

I'm moving up the food chain! I'm gonna chew on something that has a FACE!

and

I, Wee Will William, leave everything to my imagination. [gasps] Imagination is the second sign of Madness! Why didn't I listen to Bill!

From Happy Feet 2

From Great Expectations- 'This was understood to terminate the Course for the evening, and we emerged into the air with shrieks of intellectual victory.'

'Mr Wopsle finished off with a most terrifically snarling passage from Richard the Third, and seemed to think that he had done quite enough to account for it when he added 'as the poet says'.'

Also PG Wodehouse:

?Very good," I said coldly.
"In that case, tinkerty-tonk." And I meant it to sting.

From Captain Corelli's Mandolin.

Rules of Engagement [of the Opera Society]

1. All those called to regular musical fatigues shall be obliged to play a musical instrument (spoons, tin helmet, comb-and-paper, etc.).

2. Anyone failing persistently to reach high notes shall be emasculated, his testicles to be donated to charitable causes.

3. Anyone maintaining that Donizetti is better than Verdi shall be dressed as a woman, mocked openly before the battery and its guns, shall wear a cooking pot upon his head, and, in extreme cases, shall be required to sing 'Funiculi Funicula' and any other songs about railways that Captain Antonio Corelli shall from time to time see fit to determine.

4. All aficionados of Wagner shall be shot peremptorily, without trial, and without leave of appeal.

5. Drunkenness shall be mandatory only at those times when Captain Antonio Corelli is not buying the drinks.

'It's not the cunt, it's the hunt"-in relation to some Lothario in Kathy Lette's Mad Cows.

"Life belongs to the pretty. Get over it!" Some chick lit book by Jane Moore-can't remember the title

From Henry Fielding's Tom Jones

"First, from two lovely blue eyes, whose bright orbs flashed lightning at their discharge, flew forth two pointed ogles; but, happily for our heroe, hit only a vast piece of beef which he was then conveying into his plate, and harmless spent their force. The fair warrior perceived their miscarriage, and immediately from her fair bosom drew forth a deadly sigh."

Thanks vipers, you're ace!

Pinocchio. "School? Ah yes. Then perhaps yoy haven't heard of the easy road to success, the theatre"!

It was the day my grandmother exploded.

Iain Banks, Crow Road.

Sorry, bit long-winded, but:

Marwood: What about what's-his-name?
Withnail: What about him?
Marwood: Why don't you give him a call?
Withnail: What for?
Marwood: Ask him about his house.
Withnail: You want me to call what's-his-name and ask him about his house?
Marwood: Why not?
Withnail: All right. What's his number?
Marwood: I've no idea, I've never met him.
Withnail: Well neither have I, what the fuck are you talking about?

Wodehouse made me long for a pair of 'heliotrope pyjamas with the old gold stripe'.
No idea what they are, but they sound amaze.

'You guys are so unhip it's a wonder your bums don't fall off'
HHGTTG

'You used to get it in your fishnets, now you only get it in your nightdress' -Arctic Monkeys.

"You are the vulgarian you fuck" A fish called Wanda

"It's every guy's dream to have a a threeway ."
"Yeah but not with another dude !"
" Come on you've got to get at least a half chubb on."
Hot tub time machine .

"Barry Shitpeas" from Charlie Brookers TV Wipe Series, talking about Nick Griffin:

He's just the sort of communal garden person who hates blacks, Pakistanis and Indians and Bengalis and Chinese and Jews and benders and lezzers and Labour voters and Tory voters and Lib Dem voters and anyone who’s on a different mobile phone tariff or looks funny or has a name you sort of don’t like the sound of. He’s just the voice of the average cunt.

"We put cream on ?" The Thai woman gestures towards the lamb and merangue .
"No it's for the face ."
Priscilla Queen of the desert .

"Is this the home of the wise woman?"
"Aye! That it be."
"Yes it is not that it be. I'm not a bloody tourist."

Blackadder 2

'What shall we do with Father Mother, fold him like a ticket and poke him in a hole!' Johnny from the Fast Show.

'He has sex and we get hit in our heads!' Chandler, Friends.

There are loads more that stick in my head but my brain fails me after a busy week - I may return

In Marian Keyes "The other side of the story", a very posh lady was coming down the stairs, head to toe in red. Mad Paddy came out of his flat and said "Be Dad, I think I feel a song coming on". Posh bird says "Lady in Red, I get this all the time" and Mad Paddy belts out "Ya better, watch out, you better not cry, you better be quiet I'm tellin ya why etc etc.

Made me snigger anyway.

Also in the start of the book when the main characters fathers new girlfriend comes to the mothers house. I can't remember the exact words but the jist of it was that the daughter goes out, puts her face up to the passenger window, bulges her eyes, curls her lip and calls her a c*nt.

Some of Marian Keyes stuff makes me roar laughing.

Anything at all from Pratchett but these always get me every time:

From Men At Arms, when the Piecemaker (a vastly destructive, over sized crossbow made from a siege weapon) is first introduced, inside a very small room.
Nobby: Those things are a bugger for metal fatigue, especially in the safety catch.
Detritus: What are a safety catch?
Everything went very quiet.

And Vimes subsequently teaching Detritus that "When Mr Safety Catch is not on, Mr Crossbow is not your friend." in Night Watch.

not a movie qoute, but if you want cheering up i read this on facebook and was crying with laughter at the end. apperently a review of hair removial on amazon.

THIS IS AN ACTUAL CUSTOMER REVIEW FROM A MAN ON AMAZON.CO.UK AFTER USING VEET HAIR REMOVAL CREAM FOR MEN. I ACTUALLY HAD TEARS ROLLING DOWN MY FACE WHILE READING IT!!!!!!!!!!!! SOOOO FUNNY!!!....

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit if a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn?t have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, toe the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn?t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering ?ooooohhh that feels good? Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn?t heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn?t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn?t improve my status?so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect ~ Cerys

In Sophie Kinsella's book twenties girl I really like the following bit, which goes a bit like:
"That girls looks like she likes chips, but don't we all".

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' ?
Charlie Brown

"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."
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