To ask you to cheer me up with your favourite laugh-out-loud quotation from a book, play or film?

[SybilRamkin]

I've just partially cheered myself up with the some P. G. Wodehouse:

?She fitted into my biggest arm-chair as if it had been built round her by someone who knew they were wearing arm-chairs tight about the hips that season? ~ Carry On, Jeeves

And also this gem from Oscar Wilde:

"I would strongly advise you, Mr. Worthing, to try and acquire some relations as soon as possible, and to make a definite effort to produce at any rate one parent, of either sex, before the season is quite over" ~ The Importance of Being Earnest

Also:
She turned her attention back to Feeney, a man now confronted by a cannon loaded with a thousand years of upper class self assurance... Lady Sybil took a step forwards and Feeney took a step backwards to escape the wrath of the impending bosom.

Lady Sybil's bosom, which she was allowed to have, grew as she took a deep breath; it seemed to lift her slightly off the ground. "Sir Reynold," she said, with a side order of ice, "in the Year of the Lice my great-grandmother once cooked, personally, a full dinner for eighteen in a military redoubt that was entirely surrounded by bloodthirsty Klatchians, and she felt able to include sorbet and nuts!"

Lady Sybil took a deep breath which caused several elderly gentlemen near the front of the audience to very nearly burst into tears*
*It had been said by someone years before that to see Sybil Rankin's upholstered bosom rise and fall was to understand the history of empires

Simpsons Movie

Bart 'this is the worst day of my life'

Homer 'this is the worst day of your life so far '

'She said there's ants in the carpet
dirty little monsters'

Blur, End on the Century

Not strictly a book or film...but always makes me chuckle

The path of my life is strewn with cow pats from the DEVILS OWN SATANIC HERD! (The last bit yelled)

I don't know it word for word and its not a book, play or film, but it's a favourite in our house amongst all us siblings:

"No I meant we need something that starts with A-B"

"Honey. That starts with a bee".

"He's right you know Blackadder, honey does start with a bee...and a flower too".

Oh and also:

Hear the words I sing
War's a horrid thing
But still I sing sing sing....
Ding a ling a ling.

"You look as scared as a very small nun at a penguin shoot"
Gene Hunt

'It is fanny that I think of all day and dream of all night' Mansfield park Jane Austen, immature but it makes me laugh every time :)

The wonderful Withnail and I...

On being asked to fork out 'two quid' for Danny's 'embalmer' pill, Withnail informs him that he can '...stuff it up your arse for nothing and fuck off while you're doing it!'

Book - My Family and Other Animals. They are really whole conversations involving Larry that have me fairly well convulsed, but probably my favourite is the Dodo the dog episode. I will include the introductory paragraph, which comes after Larry has questioned her dubious physiology:

I pointed out that dachshunds were much the same shape, and they had been bred specially to enable them to get down holes after badgers. Probably the Dandy Dinmont had been bred for a similar reason.

"She looks as though she was bred to go down holes after sewage", said Larry.

There are 524 reviews of a canvas print of Paul Ross on amazon.
If you ever need a distraction. They are fantastic. www.amazon.co.uk/Box-Canvas-Print-Paul-Ross/dp/B001N6W8U0/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1371235532&sr=8-2&keywords=paul+ross+canvas+print

You can't give a Dementor the old one-two

And

I do not generally permit people to talk when I am talking.

Both Harry Potter.

Forgive me - I am organising a rather elaborate HP birthday Party ATM and becoming a bit HP obsessed.

Mcmurphy on Nurse Rachett.

..."she's somewhat of a cunt, ain,t she doc?"

One flew over the cuckoos nest.

Mcmurphy MN is your spiritual home.

Marge: "Why don't you read a book?"

Homer: "[sigh] because I'm trying to reduce my boredom."

"She's sent the crows out to blind the guests coming for dinner!"
"What?"
"She's BLINDING THE GUESTS COMING FOR DINNER!"
"Well, that's one way to avoid having to dust, I suppose"

From Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West

Lolling so much at the paul ross canvas reviews!!

Bertie: It's about time some publicly-spirited person told you where to get off. The trouble with you, Spode, is that just because you've succeeded in convincing a handful of half-wits to disfigure the London scene by going about in black shorts, you think you're someone. You hear them shouting "Hail, Spode!" and you imagine it's the voice of the people. That is where you make your bloomer. What the voice of the people is actually saying is, "Look at that frightful ass Spode swanking about in footer bags! Did you ever in your life see such a perfect perisher?"

Wodehouse on fascism

Those Paul Ross Canvas Amazon reviews are the funniest things I have read in a long, long time. I wasn't feeling particularly in need of cheering up but my evening - nay, weekend! - has been made. Bravo, decaffwithcream !

I read the book 'Matriarch, Queen Mary and the House of Windsor' which has a passage from a newspaper of the time about some suffragettes who smashed 'several windows with hammers they had hidden in their muffs'. It's childish but gets me every time!

Anchorman is my go-to funny film.
(after jumping into a zoo bear pit)
I immediately regret this decision!
(in a fight with another newsreader)
I will smash your face into a car windshield, then I will take your mother Dorothy Mantooth out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again!
(Ron to his dog)
You ate a whole wheel of cheese? I'm not even mad, that's amazing.

There are so many more...

Anything from the films of Monty Python but especially:

Brian: Excuse me. Are you the Judean People's Front?
Reg: Fuck off! We're the People's Front of Judea!

"Your finger, you fool" your friend and my DH, Terry Pratchett.

Linky

Homer Simpson: we don't want our food brought to us by waiterrrrs
We want tables and chairs nailed to the floor!

Oh Wondering Soul, that's fantastic. I love it. Tears rolling down my face. Bless him!

Exit, pursued by bear. From 'The Winter's Tale' by Shakespeare

Have tears streaming reading Paul Ross canvas reviews.